The Prodigal Son

1. A certain man named Charles had two sons. The elder son was serious and wise, although a little bald, and everyone said that he would be a king one day.

2. However, the younger son, Harry, was wild and lived life of riotous living. He would remove his clothes in order to play the game of pool, and he would dress himself in the uniform of the Nazites.

3. Then one day the younger son was wed unto a lady called Meg-han from a distant land, although she had already been wed before.

And they all lived happily ever after.

4. Some say that he wed Meg-han twice: once in a garden, and once in a church.

5. And Meg-han did not know how to behave in the courts of the family of Harry. For nobody had told her that his grandmother was a powerful queen who could open buildings simply by cutting a cord.

6. Nor did Meg-han know how to treat the servants of the Queen, for she hissed and shouted when her tiaras were improperly placed.

7. But it is true that Meg-han, who was black but comely as the curtains of Solomon, was once deeply distressed. For there came one to her who asked what nature of child she would bear - ginger and irresponsible, or black and bad-tempered.

8. So eventually the younger son said, "Father, give me my share of the estate. I wish to become independent.

9. For my wife Meg-han hath had enough of opening abattoirs in Goole and recycling centres in Basingstoke.

10. She wisheth to return to the holy wood of her forefathers, wherein she may be a celebrity without any duties, save to speak voice-overs for him that is called Disney."

The father is grieved on hearing of his son's wish to depart.

11. And thus Harry and Meg-han left the family that is known as royal, and began to squander their wealth in wild living.

12. Indeed, Harry forsook the title of "Your Prodigal Highness" and changed his name to "Mr Sussex".

13. They went into the market-place and tried to make their fortune by selling useful items, under the name of "Sussex Prodigal".

14. But, alas, nobody wanted to buy a carbon-neutral biodegradable gluten-free halal antiracist gay clockwork hedgehog that played "Shine, Jesus, Shine!" even if it did bear the label "Sussex Prodigal".

15. So, when they had spent all their substance, they sought another way to pay their way.

16. And Meg-han said, "Once I was a celebrity, and acted in a play called Suits. Although you may not believe it, I played a selfish good-for-nothing who was seeking a wealthy husband. Perchance I can act again."

17. But the people of the Holy Wood did not require an actress who could play an aggressive bad-tempered, selfish, good-for-nothing. Although they did say that, if they were to remake the humorous play known as Psycho with a female star, then they would call on her.

18. Then, in desperation, Harry and Meg-han went into the fields to feed the creature known as Oprah. And they wished that they might fill their stomachs with the pods that the Oprah ate, but their fee was far less than hers and they could not afford them.

Feeding the Oprah.

19. So Harry said, "I will arise and go to my father, and will say to him, 'Father, you have sinned against Heaven and before me. You are no longer worthy to be called my father.'"

Evangelist's note. This doesn't seem to be going quite as expected. Perhaps we'll try for a happy ending later.

(Warning: parts of this are recycled from an earlier parable.)

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 12

Continued from Part 11.

1. Six months had passed since May-sis sent her team of wise negotiators (Bo-sis, King David Davis, and some others whose names are justly forgotten) to dine with the Pharaoh Juncker.

2. Yet, after endless eating and drinking at the well-appointed table of Juncker, no agreement had been reached.

King David Davis pretends to know what is going on.

3. For, although the date was set on which the children of Bri-tain were to leave the land of EU-gypt, and many were waiting to cross the Red Sea, there were still questions to answer.

4. Should the children of Bri-tain remain in the Single Market, and thus return to EU-gypt every Saturday to buy and sell their produce?

5. For they could sell their rare foods such as tripe and onions, and buy frogs' legs and sauerkraut.

6. Or should they partake in the Customs Union, meaning that their traditional customs such as Morris Dancing and cricket might be combined with the customs of EU-gypt, such as the Can-can and bullfighting?

"Right, lads, the EU-gypt directive says we should do the Can-can next."

7. Then there was talk of hard borders and backstop plans, which nobody really understood, so that the people of Bri-tain said, "We never knew that it was so hard to flee the land of EU-gypt."

8. And many noble lords, who had been appointed to power by the ancient warlord Blair, voted to remain where they were, feasting on milk and honey.

9. Indeed, they said that the people should vote again, and keep on voting until they got the right answer.

10. Now even the High Priest Wel-by, custodian of the ancient religion of Eng-land, guardian of a box containing 39 wondrous articles, spake out, saying that EU-gypt was the best thing since sliced manna.

11. Finally, even King David Davis was so vexed that he threatened to resign his throne, although he could not give a precise date for leaving it.

12. And the people murmured saying, "This May-sis could not organize a wedding in a Cana brewery without running out of wine. Let us have Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

"May-sis hath not provided enough wine. Can you do something?"

13. "Or let us call an election and see if the Corbynites can do any better. The Abbot of Diane can organize our finances, and John, also known as Mc-Don-El, can form a lasting alliance with the Hamasites and Hezbollites."

14. Which at least showed that the people had not lost their sense of humour.

Continued in Chapter 13.

Pope Francis goes into orbit

It has long been realised that Pope Francis is a little bored with Planet Earth, and does most of his good work (e.g. developing new Catholic doctrine, weddings, funerals, mass-ordination of journalists to the priesthood, etc.) while flying in the PopeJet. The fact that he is 35,000 feet above most of his flock gives him a "buzz" as well as an air of authority.

The time has now come for him to leave terra firma entirely. The first plan was for him to fly round the world for ever in the PopeJet, but this would require regular in-flight refuelling. So the only reasonable answer is for Pope Francis to be the first Pope in Space!

"I now pronounce you Man and Wife - whoever you are!"

There has been much talk about making space travel available to all - well, to all who can afford it - mainly from Richard Branson, who hasn't even managed to make train travel available to all. The Catholic Church is anxious to cash in on the Virgin brand, for obvious reasons, and the Pope has agreed to perform "the sacrament of your choice" for anyone who turns up at the PopeStation.

The papal flight to Chile was very productive, for, in addition to marrying/blessing the marriage of/regularizing the marriage of* Chief Trolley Commander Carlos Ciuffardi Elorriaga and Deputy Lifejacket Demonstrator Paola Podest Ruiz, who had spent 8 years vainly looking for a church, the Pope also conducted the funeral of a passenger who had died, or at least wasn't at all well, before shooting his body out over the Andes.

*Depending on which account you read.

Incidentally, it is said that the reason the Pope signalled out C.T.C. Elorriaga for a wedding was that this was the first heterosexual male flight attendant that the Holy Father had ever encountered.

An army of deacons stands by to assist Pope Francis.

Meanwhile, old-fashioned earthbound priests are now encouraged to close their churches and invest in private aeroplanes, especially since there is now a huge demand from Catholics for "stunt" weddings. For a small fee, your priest will even agree to make a parachute jump with you, while performing the marriage service.

Anyway, this whole saga has re-established Pope Francis as "the man at the top", and nobody has mentioned Lilianne Ploumen for at least two days. Which was probably the whole point of the exercise.

"Remember, in Space nobody can hear you scream. Which is a good thing..."

Jesuits say the funniest things

Don't you love Jesuits? They can be really cute in the way that grown-ups simply aren't. Listening to them talking, trying to make sense of the adult world, is a pleasure and a delight.

I visited a Jesuit playground and met two of the little darlings having fun together; one was called Jim ("I'm Jezzie James") and the other Tony ("Spideroman").

Tony playing with his friends Big Frank and Arthur (the gang leaders).

Me: Hello, Jesuits, are you having fun?

Jim: I'm building a bridge. Poo, it's fallen down again!

Tony: I'm doing sums. 1 and 1 is 3. 2 and 2 is 5. Tee hee hee!

Me: Oh, right. Did you go to Church today, Jesuits?

Possibly the stupidest thing ever said by a Jesuit.

Jim: Yes, it was all about a wedding. Jesus wasn't allowed to go to it.

Tony: Naughty Jesus was a biggot! Won't go to Heaven!

Jim: He should have listened to the Canny... Cannonite woman!

Tony: I gotta new Bible.

Jim: He's gotta new Bible. It's the Messy Bible.

Tony: Message Bible. A special one for Jesuits.

A special Jesuit Bible with all the sense removed.

Jim: What does the angel say when he sees Mary?

Tony: Nice to see you, to see you nice! Tee hee hee!

Jim: And Jesus talks to Mary Magdulum. Says "Hello, Mary, how would you like to be the Pope?"

"Unlike Jesus, I'm properly dressed for a wedding!"

Tony: Hey, here comes Arthur. He's the leader of our gang.

Arthur: Hello, Jim, hello, Tony. Who's this?

Tony: It's Mr Eccles. He's a witless worm. Tee hee hee.

Arthur: He's got a tape recorder.

Jim: Jesus had a tape recorder.

Arthur: No he didn't!

Jim: He did, he did, he did!

Arthur: No, he didn't. That's why we don't know what he said.

Jim: We can make it up, can't we?

"Today I'm launching a Crusade against armchair Catholics!"

Tony: Shut up you lot. Here comes Big Frank. He's got a Magic Sterium.

Jim: What's a Magic Sterium?

Tony: It's for making up Cathlic teaching. It has a pair of scissors for cutting up old teaching, and a nice pen for writing new doctrine.

Frank: All right, you lot. Today we're going to break some armchairs. I don't like armchair Catholics!

Omnes: Ooh, what fun!

"Now I say SHAZAM and the Pope disappears!"

With thanks to @topcatholic and @thecorrectpope for locating some material.

Dancing vicars

Getting married soon? Tired of the old-fashioned God-centred service? Want to party instead? We can put you in touch with dancing vicars and more!

"I am the Lady of the Dance," said she.

Yes, "Revver" Kate Bottley will liven up your wedding with a spot of Everybody Dance Now! Suitable for everyone from the ages of 5 to 25!

Let's go, Moly. This isn't the Extraordinary Form Mass we were promised.

But that's not all! On our books we have even more exciting possibilities. Planning a requiem Mass for someone you loved? Why not liven it up with a juggling vicar? Or a sword-swallowing deacon?

Man that is born of woman hath but a short time to live, so let's party!

But you don't have to be Anglican to see a church service as an occasion for fooling around. Here's Cardinal Meisner, a distinguished German theologian, celebrating Mass with his little friend "Helmut".

Surely you must be Joachim?

Catholic seminaries are seeing a new influx of trainee priests, now that (as recommended by Vatican II) the syllabus includes acrobatics, fire-eating and magic, in addition to the traditional courses on hermeneutics, ontology, sacramental theology, church history, etc.

Brother Dynamo demonstrates a little-known Old Testament miracle.

Of course the atheists are feeling left out in the silliness stakes, but Richard Dawkins, ever anxious for publicity, is here with his "floating head" trick; he is available for weddings, bar-mitzvahs, and Oxford degree ceremonies.

I call this "The God Illusion".

De weddin of Tom Chivvers

Tom Chivvers in his weddin graments

Anti Moly and me is still stayin at Castle Thopmson in Notting Hell, but we doesn't see much of our host Damain Thopmson, as he is lockin himself away in his studdy to work on his new book, de definitive boigraphy of Glayds Mills, de concert painist.

Damain is very fond of paino music, especailly de classics. De great Stehpen Huogh was round here recently playin a meldey of his favuoite concert pieces, such as "Where did you get dat hat?" (arranged by Rachnaminov) and "We wish you a merry Christmas," wiv de immortal lines about "We all likes figgy puddings," which was condenmed by Paul Inwood as bein thoelogically too complex for de modern Cathlic chruch.

Stephen Huogh

Anyway, Damain looked up from writin his definitive account of Glayds Mills's weight probblems, to tell us, "By de way, my colleageu Tom Chivvers is gettin married on Satturday." Anti Moly has got a bit of a crush on Tom Chivvers, because he is pollite, charmin and non-Cathlic, and she put down her gin bottle and fainted dellicately.

Damain went onto explain dat de lucky bride was called Pat, but, because Tom is in de forefront of libberal thinkin, and likes to shock de traditoinalists, he wasnt sure whevver it was a man or a woman.

When my dere Anti recovered, she decided dat she would emullate de story of young Lockenvar, wot is a Scots chap who interrupted a wedding to carry off de bride on his horse.

Young Lockenvar on a horse

Since Tom is an athiest, he wasnt gonna get married in a chruch, althuogh dere is chruches in Soho and de Plymuoth diocese dat will do same-sex marriages (we saw a card in a tellephone box, "Kinky Cathlic weddins, all tastes catered for. Ask for Farver Muriel"). Instead, he had hired de Allbert Hall, as dere was gonna be quite a lot of poeple attendin. He was gettin Stephen Hawkin to conduct de weddin, a proniment atheist wot knows all about big bangs; he has also been competin in de Parrylympics.

Anti aint gotta horse, so I suggested dat, bein Austrialan, she could ride to de Allbert Hall on a crocodile, or maybe have a cart pulled by a team of wombats. But in de end she managed to borrow a donkey, and rode off on her heroic missoin.

Old Molyvar on a donkey (note de bridal bouqeut)

Well, I went dere by more traditoinal means, gettin Dan Hannan, Damain's chuaffeur, to drive me to de Allbert Hall. He refussed to obey de "Keep Left" signs dat David Cameron has been puttin up everywhere, so we was nearly late.

As you can see from de pitcher bellow, de weddin was well attended. Is dat Edwina Curry in de photto bellow?

Tom Chivvers Weddin. De geusts is very happy.

Well I has been keepin you on tenterhocks, but now I can reveel de identtity of de blushin bride, Pat. Well, Tom he is wot dey calls a geek or a nerd, and it turns out dat PAT is a laptop computter (PAT is Personal Applied Technology). Dis explanes a certian cryptic remark dat Damain's butler, Will Heaven, made, when he told Muvver Odone de cook, "I saw Tom wiv PAT on his lap again." Tom got de idea from a flim of Walt Sidney, and I fink dis is what de Chivvers fambly will look like in 15 years from now.

Tom Chivvers fambly, 2027

When Anti Moly learnt dat her successfull rivall was a computter, she said "Dat's reely woful," and decided to cancel de elopment. So Tom's weddin went ahead as planned. I aint often sentimenttal on dis blogg, which is normally written to provide spiritaul nuorishment, but I do fink de happy couple is made for each uvver. Readin his blogg, I has sometimes even wondered whevver TOM is de name of a computter, as well. Thinking Opinion Machine, maybe.

We goes to a weddin

Well, as promised, Bosco got me some ointmeant for my stimgata. I was surprised dat he didnt go to de farmersea, but to de hardwear store. "You has got an acid skin, Eccles," he said, "and so if you rubs dis Cuastic Sodda into it, you will be heeled in no time." In fact, I doesnt seem to be gettin much better, but probabbly dis is just a sing of de Lord's favuor like dat Paddy Pio chap had.

De docttor have put Bosco onto a course of injectoins of silver sollution in de blood streem, dis is less paneful dan havvin bullets fired into you, and maybe his lycanthroppy is nearly under control.

Now we attended a weddin todday, and de cosstume holly man said "Is dere any just cuase or impeddiment why dis fat guy and dis uggly dame cant be joined in holly matrimoney and share de tribbulatoins of life togevver poor fools?" (I aint stuppid I knows dat he means kids.) At dat moment Bosco let out a "YOWWW!" and bit de cosstume hollyman.

Dey let de service continue once de bride had explaned dat Bosco werent nuffinn to do wiv her. Here is de preist after Bosco bit him, I dunno whevver he is still in good standin.

Farver Arfur came ruond to see us again, bringin de finnal proofs dat he is in fact a preist. "Look," he said, "I gotta mugg and a tea-shirt. Dese come dirrectly from de Vattican City Supermakret, where de Pop buys his red shoes. You cant get dese souvennirs unless you is reely a preist, dey has a Monsingor on de checkout till to make sure. In fact it is a morttal sin to buy dem if you aint a preist, and you gets ticked off by one of de Cradinals, dey got one wiv got specail responssibility for paperclips, souvennirs and keepin de dranes unblocked. He's called Coremack somefink."

"By de way," he continued, "I has been tappin your telephonn so dat I can repeet back all de fings you has ever said. At 11 a.m. todday one of you made a telephonn call and you said 'Ullo, is dat de supermarrket could you delliver six extra bottles of gin for Anti Moly today, also we needs some Calumny Chappel dove cakes.' I is tellin you dis in order to annoy you and embarass you, as dat is what we preists sees as our saccred duty."

Well, it is a bit embarassin, frankly, as Bosco says dese cakes is reely divvine, he adores em. Dey is simply heavennly.

Bosco is finkin of goin to Farver Arfur's churhc tomorrow, to tell all de punters dat dey is servants of Baaal. Dey is destinned for de Lake of Fire, cos Jessus hasnt saved dem pussonally like Bosco and me we is saved. Dis is what de prophet Zecharriah calls "Comforttable words."