This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Pope Francis

papal vestments

Pope Francis is delighted with his new vestments.

Thanks to my close sources in the Vatican (© Damian Thompson) I can exclusively reveal that the college of cardinals has elected a new pope, Cardinal Belgrano of Argentina, who has taken the title Pope Francis.

Holy Smoke

Purple smoke from the Sistine Chapel: "we have elected a chemist."

Pope Francis trained as a chemist before entering the Church, and even now he is fond of making "holy smoke."

Pope Francis and Hans Küng

A young Fr Belgrano (R) tries to interest Hans Küng (L) in the delights of chemistry.

Menawhile, Richard Dawkins is very impressed that the new head of the Catholic church is a scientist of greater distinction than he is, and it is said that he is thinking of becoming a Catholic himself.

Dawkins and rosary beads

"Does anyone know how these rosary beads work?"

Little is known about Pope Francis except that he likes riding on buses; it is thought that his first encyclical may be an appeal for universal joy, called Laugh with everyone - or, in Latin, Omnibus Ride.

Popemobile for Pope Francis

The new Popemobile.

No previous Pope has been called "Francis," and it is thought that by this choice of name the Holy Father is sending out signals about the style of papacy he intends. One possibility is that he may have chosen to be named after St Francis Sinatra.

St Francis Sinatra

I did it my way.

However, it may be that instead he had St Francis Howerd in mind.

St Francis Howerd

Titter ye not!

Meanwhile, the BBC is trying to get to grips with the idea of a new Pope, and of course to present him in the worst possible light. When he was first shown to the crowds in St Peter's Square on Wednesday, Pope Francis took the unusual step of praying the "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," prayers unknown to the BBC commentators.

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor and Ed "Stewpot" Stourton discuss the use of obsolete prayers.

As a faithful Tabletista, Ed Stourton explained that "Our Father" and "Hail Mary," are traddy prayers, not suitable for the modern Catholic church. Indeed, as Catherine Pepinster will confirm, they are explicitly against the Spirit of Vatican II.


The Tablet - now preparing a hatchet job on Pope Francis.

Meanwhile, Alan Garbager of the Godruin newspaper was initially wrong-footed by the election of a Pope much more socially aware than the average leftie Godruin-reader. He was also shocked to discover that the new pontiff is an orthodox Catholic and none too keen on abortion, same-sex marriage, euthanasia, or the ordination of women - activities which bring pleasure to so many people. Hence Garbager has been devoting his energies to character assassination. A few years ago he convinced Godruin-readers that Pope Benedict XVI - as a German - was certainly a Nazi war-criminal and a close personal friend of Hitler; moreover, it was claimed that in his spare time he used to pull the wings off insects.


A disciple of Pope Benedict prepares to pull the wings off an insect.

Garbager has now turned his attention to Pope Francis who - as an Argentine - is automatically assumed to have been a war-criminal and close personal friend of General Galtieri; it is said that in his spare time he pulls the ears off woolly lambs.

Argentine troops

Argentine troops, under the direct command of Pope Francis, prepare to invade the Falklands and pull the ears off all the woolly lambs they find.

Well, that's all for now, but do spare a thought for St Malachy, who put his shirt on Cardinal Peter Turkson for Pope and lost everything.

Hello, Eccles!

"Eccles! How nice to see you!"


  1. Darling eccles, just wonderful - 'Cardinal Belgrano' - don't know how you do it, but am glad you do #saved pusson xx. Jess

  2. Let us not be carried away by any hype coming from those who do not know their Franciscan history. Above all, let us not be fooled by hypocrisy dressed up as a new broom. These times are going to be tough, it seems. We must be like the boy who pointed out that the emperor has no clothes. In this case, it is a bit more complicated. We must point out that the shabby clothes are a sham.

    1. How in the world are average folk going to believe it, when we tell them Pope Francis *REALLY IS* Frank Sin.a.tra.lalala...?

  3. Memo to Marini:
    Knit me some new vestments from those lambs' ears - here's the pattern

  4. Yes, well ‘Francis’ is okay I suppose and is a sop to the Italians who had already elected Scola (even the Italian Episcopal Conference, CEI, had sent out an Email congratulating Scola once the white smoke appeared…!).

    But I wish he had taken that Cardinal’s advice and chosen Clement XV – to take a swipe at Clement XIV who suppressed the Jesuits in 1773. It would also have re-opened the Franciscan-Jesuit rivalry which has been in abeyance for some time (Clement XIV was a Franciscan…).

    Then we would have had a Jesuit Clement following a Franciscan Clement and wearing a Dominican habit. Nothing like a little inter-religious rivalry. Think he might scrap the white and opt for basic Jesuit black?

    Or, he could marshal the Swiss Guards to re-take the Falklands…

  5. St Francis Sinatra is most famous for giving us his memorable homily on faith and works:

    "Be Do Be Do Be Do..."

  6. It's DO BE DO BE DO!

    Heretic. Have Brother Burrito struck off the blogroll instantly.

  7. Eccles, BTW I've awarded you a Liebster Award - see here Onerous, but may result in some new people passing by...

    1. Dat's very kind, bruvver Ben. I gotta fink about it.

  8. Don't stay up waitin for a new blost. Will do 2 or 3 but not until later today.