Nul points for the UK bishops

Eurovision song contest news.

Well, it was "nul points" for the bishops of England, Scotland, and Wales this week, as their pastoral letter "Down with carbon", sung by Mad John Arnold and the Stooges, failed to convince anyone in this Pentecost-themed Eurovision Song Contest. Its strident chorus, "Build back better! Build back better!" wasn't the hit they had expected, and nobody could find anything much about Pentecost in the lyrics apart from a bit about how the Holy Spirit was backing mighty rushing wind power rather than tongues of fire.

Bad news for the bishops!

Why, even the Germans, with their fetching rainbow vestments and their song "We'll bless anything", sung by the heavyweight team of Cardinal Marx and the Schismatics, managed to get three points. Still no mention of Pentecost, however.

No entry from the Vatican, whose "Pachamama Blues" would have been a certainty for the 2020 competition; apparently the money reserved for preparing an entry is now resting in someone's bank account. However, they may take some credit for Italy's winning entry of "Tutti Fratelli ice-cream", sung by Massimo and the Beans.

"They're starting to throw rotten tomatoes, lads. Sing louder!"

Tonight their disgruntled manager Vincent Nichols complained, "We did our best to write a modernist song, throwing away all that old-fashioned stuff about the Holy Spirit leading us to truth, let alone St Paul's irrational prejudices against fornication, gross indecency, sexual irresponsibility, idolatory and sorcery. We concentrated on the message of St Greta of Thunberg, the Venerable Biden, and Boris the Green (formerly 'that fascist Boris Johnson')."

Well, we already knew that the days of Vincent Nichols, were numbered, as the Vatican struggles to find a worthy successor, but this fiasco can only hasten his downfall.

Pope Francis is saved

"Well yes, I have been saved... but in my case it was such a close-run thing that I thought I had better keep quiet about it."

Sir Alec Douglas-Home, British Prime Minister.

A saved person.

The wondrous encyclical Fratelli Tutti contains a passage of Good News (or maybe Very Bad News). It is not buried in a footnote, and has even been advertised on the Pope's Twitter account, so we have to believe it is meant seriously.

We need to develop the awareness that nowadays we are either all saved together or no one is saved.

Well, on this blog we have always taken the viewpoint that You is not saved, only I is saved, but now we must revise our ideas. So I sent a Dubium to Pope Francis and by return of post I got an invitation to the Vatican to talk to the Holy Father.

Eccles: Your popeness, from the context, "saved" could mean several things:

1. Redeemed from the consequences of our sin, and permitted to dwell in Heaven eternally with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

This is the sort of thing a pope should be discussing, but from the context, it may also mean:

2. Saved from the great evils that beset mankind, of which climate change is obviously the worst, as it can lead to hot days, cold days, rain, drought, and dull cloudy days with sunny intervals possibly with fog on high ground take care and have a nice day.

Francis: Ha ha ha ha ha! Take that clown away.

Eccles (struggling in the arms of the Swiss Guard): Assuming that you were talking about religion, Holy Father, then we have two choices here:

(a) We are all unsaved. Which means that Jesus was wasting His time. This seems unlikely.

(b) We are all saved. Good news.

Pope Francis welcomes Eccles.

(Francis threatens me with a Papa-slappa gesture.)

Eccles: I suppose that being saved just means that you get eternal life. For you and me, Holy Father, it means a cushy abode in Heaven. For others, like Zen and Viganò, it may mean eternal life, but stewing in the Lake of Fire in Hell.

At this point the door was slammed on me and I was thrown out into the street. However, by good fortune I met Professor Richard Dawkins the celebrity atheist, author of "Why I am too grown-up to believe in God, and where He got it all wrong," who had come with some Dubia for Pope Francis.

Eccles: Dicky! What would being saved mean to you, if it were possible?

Dawkins: Well the Bible speaks of a land of milk and honey, and it is not far wrong. We atheists live entirely on honey, and Paradise for me would be populated by brilliant atheists, such as Grayling, Fry, John Lennon, etc., all feasting eternally on honey.

Eccles: Sounds like Hell to me.

At this point the Swiss guard gave me the "blow on the head" of peace, and I knew no more.

When I woke up I found myself in Mass, and, my head a bit hazy, it seemed that the Gospel passage went something like this:

They handed him a denarius and he said, "Whose head is this? Whose name?" "Pachamama's" they replied.

But I may have imagined it.

Yes, I must have imagined it.

Pope wins Nobel prize for Boredom

It's the season for awarding Nobel prizes (Roger Penrose got one for his work on Black Holes Matter), and, as was widely expected, Pope Francis has been awarded the Nobel prize for Boredom, on account of his encyclical Tutti Frutti, as everyone is calling it.

This is what it's all about.

The prize-winning work is said to draw on the writings of such renowned theologians as Karl Marx, Maximilien Robespierre, John Lennon, Meghan Markle, and Greta Thunberg, with lots of citations of the humblest pope in history (Pope F*****s). To get some flavour of it, pick three words at random from the word cloud above, and form them into a sentence. Bonus marks if you spot anything to do with religion, such as "God", "Jesus" or "Sin".

So we dipped in and got "world", "people" and "dignity". Our message to you all is "The dignity of the people of the world." Or possibly "Dignity from the world of people." You can probably find both phrases somewhere in Tutti Frutti.

Useful advice on putting duvets into covers!

Of course, not everyone is an admirer of this masterpiece. We have heard two criticisms:

1. The title "Fratelli tutti" is sexist, and so no self-respecting womyn should read the encyclical. Sigh... we know what's in it... just a catalogue of ways that Catholics are encouraged to oppress womyn. Pope Francis thinks that all womyn are good for is putting duvets into covers! Come on, sisters, let's go to the Vatican and have a sit in! Bring your duvets!

2. Pope Francis doesn't like the death penalty. So Catholic teaching has changed. Next week, Catholic teaching on abortion, homosexuality, drug orgies, embezzling money, and framing Australian cardinals may also be changing. Do let us know your suggestions!

Prof. Massimo Faggioli, top gelato Catholic, distributing copies of Tutti Frutti.

So, nothing new, and a worthy recipient of the Nobel Prize for Boredom.