Pope Francis is saved

"Well yes, I have been saved... but in my case it was such a close-run thing that I thought I had better keep quiet about it."

Sir Alec Douglas-Home, British Prime Minister.

A saved person.

The wondrous encyclical Fratelli Tutti contains a passage of Good News (or maybe Very Bad News). It is not buried in a footnote, and has even been advertised on the Pope's Twitter account, so we have to believe it is meant seriously.

We need to develop the awareness that nowadays we are either all saved together or no one is saved.

Well, on this blog we have always taken the viewpoint that You is not saved, only I is saved, but now we must revise our ideas. So I sent a Dubium to Pope Francis and by return of post I got an invitation to the Vatican to talk to the Holy Father.

Eccles: Your popeness, from the context, "saved" could mean several things:

1. Redeemed from the consequences of our sin, and permitted to dwell in Heaven eternally with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

This is the sort of thing a pope should be discussing, but from the context, it may also mean:

2. Saved from the great evils that beset mankind, of which climate change is obviously the worst, as it can lead to hot days, cold days, rain, drought, and dull cloudy days with sunny intervals possibly with fog on high ground take care and have a nice day.

Francis: Ha ha ha ha ha! Take that clown away.

Eccles (struggling in the arms of the Swiss Guard): Assuming that you were talking about religion, Holy Father, then we have two choices here:

(a) We are all unsaved. Which means that Jesus was wasting His time. This seems unlikely.

(b) We are all saved. Good news.

Pope Francis welcomes Eccles.

(Francis threatens me with a Papa-slappa gesture.)

Eccles: I suppose that being saved just means that you get eternal life. For you and me, Holy Father, it means a cushy abode in Heaven. For others, like Zen and Viganò, it may mean eternal life, but stewing in the Lake of Fire in Hell.

At this point the door was slammed on me and I was thrown out into the street. However, by good fortune I met Professor Richard Dawkins the celebrity atheist, author of "Why I am too grown-up to believe in God, and where He got it all wrong," who had come with some Dubia for Pope Francis.

Eccles: Dicky! What would being saved mean to you, if it were possible?

Dawkins: Well the Bible speaks of a land of milk and honey, and it is not far wrong. We atheists live entirely on honey, and Paradise for me would be populated by brilliant atheists, such as Grayling, Fry, John Lennon, etc., all feasting eternally on honey.

Eccles: Sounds like Hell to me.

At this point the Swiss guard gave me the "blow on the head" of peace, and I knew no more.

When I woke up I found myself in Mass, and, my head a bit hazy, it seemed that the Gospel passage went something like this:

They handed him a denarius and he said, "Whose head is this? Whose name?" "Pachamama's" they replied.

But I may have imagined it.

Yes, I must have imagined it.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 27

Continued from Chapter 26.

1. So Richard continued to grow in years, if not in wisdom.

2. And he spake out, saying, "Let us consider eugenics, dearly beloved. It worketh for cows, horses, pigs, dogs and roses. Would it not work for humans?"

3. For Richard was dreaming of a Master Race of biologists, wise in the ways of the selfish gene.

4. Such people would naturally become experts in religion without needing to study it.

5. They would know how to deal with mighty theocracies by sending them lewd images, such as are known as the no-graphy of the poor.

6. They would be as fertile as the cow, as swift as the horse, as plump as the pig, as fearsome as the dog, and as fragrant as the rose.

"The Master Race shall feed on the finest honey if they can't get human flesh."

7. However, the people mocked him, saying, "Richard, by thy wibblings thou hast done wondrous things for the cause of the Lord God, but thy praise for eugenics shows thee to be as mad as the hatters of Wonderland."

8. However, Richard was undismayed, for he had recently written another book, designed for young people, and entitled "Outgrowing God."

9. For the publishers had said, "The children have had their brains washed with the word of the Lord, and it time for us to wash their brains with the word of the prophet Richard."

10. However, the children were unconvinced by the word of Richard, saying "Look, we may be only four years old, but even we can see that the ontological hypotheses underlying his Kantian rejection of the Almighty do not hold water."

"Hey! The God Delusion is even sillier!

11. However, Richard was undismayed, for the book was a bestseller, being Number Twelve Score and Five in the Times List of Barking Mad Books by Dotty Professors.

12. And so the long spiritual journey of Richard continued towards its very distant end.

Continued in Chapter 28

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 26

Continued from Chapter 25.

1. And it came to pass that Richard spake out on the subject of food.

2. "What if human meat is grown? Could we overcome our taboo against cannibalism?" he asked.

"No, it's not beef, it's not pork. Have another guess!"

3. For he had begun to tire of the land of milk and honey in which he found himself in his old age. Especially the honey, which his thousands of admirers sent him daily.

4. For Richard had cried out in woe at the loss of his favourite honey pot to the guardians of the port that is called Air. Which was all the fault of Bin Laden.

5. And now he craved the flesh of Man.

6. The lunch of the ploughman, the pie of the shepherds, and the stew of the biologist, all these he craved.

7. The toad in the hole craved he not, neither the rare delicacy known as spam.

A dish fit for a celebrity atheist.

8. And many mocked Richard, but other devout people supported him.

9. For the Ecumenical Episcopalian-Aztec Fellowship said that in a very real sense Richard was to be commended.

10. Moreover, the Hannibal Lecteran Church wished to feast with the great professor.

11. Indeed, he was even blessed by the Catholic Diocese of the Borneo head-hunters, who had been praised by the Bishop Sorondo for their social teachings.

"The head-hunters will be meeting me somewhere round here for dinner."

12. But the friends of Richard hardened their hearts against the cooking-pots of Dawkins.

13. Even the learned atheist that is called Grayling refused to partake of Tête d'agent d'assurances à la Dawkins avec pommes frites. For alas! he had his own woes.

14. Yeah, he had discovered that Brexodus was like unto the Great War, that Maysis was using the gas of mustard, that the Rees that is Mogg was literally the Kaiser, and that millions had already been slain.

15. Wherefore then should he divert himself with the lighter pastimes of the table?

16. So Richard ate alone.

Continued in Chapter 27.

How we know we are living in the End Times

From the 3rd Letter of St Paul to the Jesuits.

1. Now, brothers, many of ye have asked me, "How shall we know that the Day of the Lord is nigh?"

2. Ye shall know that ye live in the End Times by means of various signs.

3. For lo! The world shall become very silly, and by this ye shall know that your time is nearly up.

4. First, clowns shall stalk the land, spreading terror to all who see them.

Pope Francis receiveth his new cardinals.

5. Then in England, a land flowing with Marmite, shall men complain that this wondrous foodstuff is no more.

6. The great wells of Marmite shall dry up, and the pipeline that bringeth Marmite from the distant East shall run dry.

7. Even the mighty jars of Dawkins, that once ran with milk, honey, and Marmite, shall be empty. And the professors of Oxford shall starve.

And men shall say that Bin Laden hath won.

8. And there shall be other signs of silliness.

9. For a singer of popular ballads shall win a mighty prize for literature.

10. Thus shall he spoken of as the equal of Kipling, Yeats, Mann, Eliot, and Camus.

And Dylan shall ask "How many roads must a man walk down?"

11. Finally, and silliest of all, the sound of the Trump and the sound of the Clinton shall be heard in the land of America.

12. For the people shall be asked to choose between a complete slob and a woman of infinite evil.

No, this is beyond a joke.

13. And at that point the LORD shall say, "Enough! This is too silly!" and the world shall end.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 20

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. And Richard decided that the time had come to lay up treasure on earth, ignoring all warnings that moth and rust do corrupt.

2. Thus, following the traditions of L. Ron Hubbard and Sun Myung Moon, he set up a system of payments, whereby the faithful and somewhat foolish could give of their money to the Dawkins Foundation and buy Enlightenment.

3. Thus, Richard created six circles, and each circle was filled by progressively more gullible people.

4. Seven circles were there not, neither five circles, but six. And Richard was at the centre of all these circles, as was right and just.

$1000 annually for membership of the Glorious Circle of Honey.

5. And the first circle was called the Glorious Circle of Honey: and it commemorated Richard's great war against the forces of Islam, in which his honey was taken from him at an airport.

6. And those that paid to join the Glorious Circle were fed with milk and honey until they wanted no more.

7. Also, they were given the prestigious DAWKINS INITIATES MEDAL, and could write the letters D.I.M. after their name.

8. Next, there came the Wondrous Circle of Gallifrey, priced at two thousand five hundred pieces of silver per year, wherein the members were entitled to additional benefits, including a cup of tea with Mrs Dawkins, she that they called Lalla.

Lalla explaineth her husband's writings to a disciple.

9. And the members of the Wondrous Circle of Gallifrey were awarded the DAWKINS UNIVERSAL MEDAL OF BRILLIANCE, and wrote the letters D.U.M.B. after their name.

10. Then (keep it short, please. God) there were four further circles of Hell Enlightenment.

11. The Noble and Imperious Circle of Blind Watchmakers, five thousand pieces of silver. Additional benefits, including one dinner a year with la famille Dawkins (Richard, Lalla and K9). Dinner cooked by Lalla, Richard promiseth to do the washing-up, and K9 walketh with thee in the streets of Oxford.

12. The Effulgent and Inscrutable Circle of Selfish Genes, ten thousand pieces of silver. Free admission to Dawkins's house once a week, and unlimited use of Dawkins's toilet, whereon he composeth his tweets.

13. The Lustrous and Ineffable Circle of Devil's Chaplains, twenty-five thousand pieces of silver. For him who reacheth this circle, Richard cometh to his house once a year to unblock the drains and do other odd jobs.

Richard demonstrateth his skills at flower-arranging.

14. Finally, there was the Supreme, Magnificent and Dreadful Circle of Deluded Gods, priced annually at one hundred thousand of those pieces known as "bucks".

15. And a mighty message was proclaimed: "If thou reacheth this level of wisdom, O mortal, Dawkins will bow down and worship thee - or at least worship thy money - and he will lick thy boots clean with his own blessed tongue."

Dawkins serenadeth a member of the Supreme, Magnificent and Dreadful Circle of Deluded Gods.

16. And the multitudes spake, saying "Surely that man will do anything for money?"

Continued in Chapter 21.

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The book of St Richard started here.

The Unbelievers

Learning from the excellent Protect the Pope site that Richard Dawkins's film The Unbelievers has been a total flop, grossing only $14,000 worldwide, this blog has decided to help Richard by providing some publicity for his work. Here are some of the highlights of the movie, a modern Gone with the Windbag, which puts God firmly in His place once and for all!

The hero, Richard, has an invisible rabbit, Harvey, as his best friend.

The movie is a subtle blend of comedy, drama and tragedy, as it recounts the story of a learned professor who is keen to promote science and reason. Any resemblance to other identifiable films is purely coincidental.

"There's probably no God." Richard goes "on the buses" but loses his selfish jeans.

The Unbelievers features many other leading thinkers of our time, such as Woody Allen, Cameron Diaz, Ricky Gervais and Eddie Izzard, as they pursue a spiritual journey away from God with hilarious consequences!

Romantic hero Woody Allen buys the complete works of Dawkins for Diane Keaton.

Faith-heads everywhere have been struck with terror, as Richard's dramatic story exposes the fact that all religions are false - stands to reason, doesn't it? - and that a humble biologist knows more than all the theologians who ever lived.

It's stopped! I knew I shouldn't have bought it from a blind watchmaker!

Life is not always straightforward for our hero; for example, thanks to direct intervention from Al-Qaeda, Richard's attempts to tour the world with a pot of honey are thwarted after an unsympathetic airport security officer confiscates it.

Kids, they shrunk my honey!

This film will make you, in turn, laugh, cry, sneeze, fall asleep, throw up, and jump out of the window. No wonder the Vatican refused to show it in their Pius X Cinema!

Ricky Gervais demonstrates the liturgical dancing that's so important in modern worship.

Well, a short article like this can only give a flavour of the film which - in the eyes of some commentators - is funnier than Titanic, more romantic than Psycho, and more philosophically profound than Jaws: it treats themes that even Snow White and the Seven Dwarves dared not discuss. You want to see it really, don't you? Don't you? Don't you?

He's BEHIND YOU, Richard!

Ezra

We continue with the Eccles Bible Project, explaining the Bible to atheists and other unsaved persons, in the hope that they may finally see the point.

Good to see you're all here, class, so pay attention. Dawkins, put that honey away, or I shall have to confiscate it.

Ezra Meeker - probably the wrong Ezra, but a fine-looking chap anyway.

Our Ezra was operating in the 5th century BC, and like Ezra Meeker he was a bit of a pioneer - he made the trip back from Babylon to Jerusalem. The books of the Bible seem to have got a little out of chronological order here, but Babylon had fallen to Cyrus of Persia some years earlier, as we'll see later when we get to the very exciting book of Daniel.

So some of the Jews head back to Jerusalem. If you want to know more, read Chapter 2. Apparently, there were 42,360 of them, with 736 horses, 435 camels, etc. The exact figures aren't very important, so I won't include them in the test you're going to have.

One of the 435 camels.

Jeshua (Josue) and Zorobabel set to work building a new temple. Now this is where you come in, dear atheists, as in Chapter 4 the enemies of Judah and Benjamin (that's you lot) write to King Artaxerxes and get the rebuilding stopped. Actually, they probably weren't atheists - such a strange idea hadn't been invented in those days - just Muslims - er, no, that hadn't been invented either - well, some sort of other religion. Troublemakers, anyway - I'm sure you'll easily identify with them. But Haggai (Aggeus) and Zechariah get things restarted and eventually King Darius lets them get on with it.

I'm trying to get the chronology right here, but for some reason they insisted on counting years backwards in those days, as positive numbers hadn't yet been invented. So the temple is rebuilt in 515 BC, which is BEFORE Ezra gets into action (458 BC). Our hero arrives in Chapter 7 and we only have 4 more chapters to go.

Waiting for Ezra - He'll be along in another 50 years or so.

Ezra (Esdras) himself leads another great expedition from Babylon to Jerusalem, although he omits to mention any camels this time. This is about the first thing he does when he gets there:

And when I had heard this word, I rent my mantle and my coat, and plucked off the hairs of my head and my beard, and I sat down mourning.

Ezra (R), with torn mantle, reproaches Sechenias.

So what has upset Ezra? It is that the Jews in Jerusalem have taken strange wives. Well, of course many people have got strange wives - and strange husbands - and many of us are reduced to tears on seeing what our friends and relations have chosen to spend their lives with; but that is not what's meant here.

Darling, you're not at all a strange wife.

The point is that the Jews have promised not to intermarry with our people - it's all part of the "chosen people" deal, although they won't find out exactly what that means until they read all about it in the New Testament. So Ezra stops the "strange wife" business, and that's the end of his book. We come next to Nehemiah: the two books were originally combined, and our hero will reappear next time. Class dismissed: off to the playground with you!

The Pilgrim's Ogress 1 - Eccles writes

It has been observed that this blog is a little too serious sometimes, as it endeavours to give its readers spiritual nourishment and theological teaching, as well as guidance on hymns and up-to-date religious gossip news. So, inspired by another great blog, we are starting a very exciting serial, which will appear here from time to time. Each instalment will be written by a different person. Today, it is Eccles. Next time it may be his brother Bosco, or Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor, or A.C. Grayling. Wait and see!

A.C. Grayling and a young Richard Dawkins discuss why atheists need honey.

Dis is de story of Eccles, wot is a saved pusson, but who never misses an opportunitty to get more saved. One day he decided to go on a pilgrimage, not sure exactly where he was gonna go, cos he was very anxious to get away from de City of Destructoin (Notting Hill). He had been livvin in de basement of a huge mansoin, owned by best-sellin writer Damain Thopmson, along wiv his Anti Moly, wot is an unsaved pusson who goes "ROFL" at funerals. She is de ogress of de title, and is gonna be goin wiv him unless he can shake her off.

Eccles, the pilgrim.

Anyway, Eccles had had enough of living on custard and cupcakes, so he packed himself a proper pack, wiv spare clothes, Eccles cakes, and books for spiritaul nuorishment such as the Bibble, Shakespier, Lady, don't fall backwards! by Darcy Sarto, and a copy of Damain Thopmson's The Fox, which was thrust on him as a leaving present. Just as he was startin on his way, his Anti Moly, wot had been peacefully sleepin under the table after a long night screemin at the Internet, woke up and asked him where he was goin.

"I is goin on a pilgrimage, Anti," said Eccles, "and I will probably visit many sacred sites, like Walsingham, and Santiago de Compostela, and Fatima, and maybe even de holy city of Croydon."

Vanity Fair, 10 miles.

"All right, I'm comin wiv you," said his Anti. "We can take my donkey, wot is called Micky Ross, to carry our gin bottles wiv us."

"But you ain't a saved pusson, Anti," complained Eccles. "In fact you is banned from most of de churches inside de M25 for goin ROFL rather than AMEN. I been studyin this book by a man named Bunion, and he says dat de way of a pilgrim is hard, and it aint just goin into pubs and drinkin oneself into a stupor. He says you may even meet de foul fiend Apolly on de road (I fink she writes for de Gaurdian)."

"It's time for me to write another foul and fiendish article!"

But even this frightening prospect did not deter the old lady. Thus, Eccles and his Great-Ant Moli began their pilgrimage, heading westward towards the sinful fleshpots of Hammersmith.

What nameless horrors will our pilgrim encounter in Hammersmith?

Continued in Part 2.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 18

Continued from Chapter 17

1. So it came to pass in the year of Our Lord two thousand and thirteen that Richard decided to write the story of his life.

2. And he entitled it An Appetite for Honey. For he was exceedingly fond of honey.

Richard encourageth a bee to make honey.

3. But his publishers changed the title to An Appetite for Wonder, in the hope of selling more copies, yeah even unto the man who hateth honey.

4. Meanwhile, Richard had been promised his own Book in the new edition of the Bible (that which is called Bible II), but he was not due to obtain any royalties from it.

5. Moreover, he had his own message for the world, namely, "I am the cleverest person who ever lived, and it is a scandal that I am not yet Sir Richard Dawkins, member of the Order of Merit, and Knight of the Garter."

The wicked man himself thinks only of honey.

6. "For I am a man of authority, having disciples under me: and I say to this man, Go, and he goeth; and to another, Come, and he cometh; and to my servant, Do this, and he doeth it. For their brains have been washed."

7. So Richard published his book, and many men mocked, saying "Ha ha."

8. Next, it came to pass that Richard planned a great journey, by means of a huge bird made of metal, which is called Aer-o-plane.

9. And he said, "I shall carry with me a quantity of honey, lest a famine strike me down during the flight, and my tongue cleave to the roof of my mouth." For he was still exceedingly fond of honey.

10. And those who knew more about these things, some of whom were holy and learned men, said, "Think ye that it is wise, thus to challenge the laws of man?" But Richard heeded them not.

Think ye that it is wise, my son?

11. And it came to pass that a man, whose name was Dundridge, said unto Richard. "Oi! thou canst not take thy honey with thee on the flight. For it may be the fabled honey of Bin Laden, which goeth 'Bang!'"

12. And Richard was exceeding wrathful, and spake, saying, "Dost thou not know who I am? I am Professor Richard Dawkins, FRS, he who invented genes and memes, and whose watches are repaired by a blind man. Know ye that my honey goeth not 'Bang!' For is it not written: Out of the pie came forth meat and out of the honey pot came forth sweetness?"

13. But Dundridge took the honey from the hands of Richard, and put it in a large box marked "SWAG", along with nineteen bottles of water, a vial of gin, some cream that protecteth the skin from the sun, and, as it happens, a bottle of nitroglycerine.

14. And Richard was exceeding wrathful and shouted in a loud voice: "WOE IS ME! BIN LADEN HATH WON!"

15. But the friends of Richard clubbed together, and brought him many gifts of honey, so that thenceforth Oxford was indeed a land flowing with milk and honey.

Richard receiveth many jars of honey.

16. And, ever since then, the third day of November has been a day on which men light bonfires, and put a "Richard" on top, and explode pots of honey, so that they forget not the grievous sufferings of Richard.

Continued in Chapter 19.

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The Book of St Richard started here.

A homily from Fr Arfur

Hello, it's wonderful to see so many people in the church of St Daryl the Apostate this Sunday. It's been a busy week, with four festivals in a row: All Oween, All Saints, All Souls and today - as decreed by the Bishops' conference - All Fools Day.

Fr Arfur

Well the events of Thursday 31st October are best forgotten, and the person who shouted "Great zombie costume!" at Fr Phil when he came into church would be well advised to apologise. Although they weren't to know that he had just tripped over his cassock and fallen into a puddle while practising his liturgical dance steps on the way to Mass.

On Friday we celebrated All Saints: we looked at the track records of the saints throughout the ages and decided that we could probably do better than that bunch of dreadful traddies. Yesterday was All Souls, and it was good to see that at least three people under the age of 70 turned up to Mass. We apologise to old Mrs Moly Bendite for wrongly claiming that she was dead - still, at least a night in a coffin seems to have done her no permanent harm.

So, we come to today, All Fools Day, on which occasion we remember fools throughout the ages.

The bishop gets into the spirit of All Fools Day.

Now, as I was preparing for Mass, I read the sad story of Richard Dawkins, who is furious because a jar of honey was confiscated from him at airport security. Naturally, he blames religion for this, although this time it is our Muslim brethren - the late Mr Bin Laden - rather than the Catholic church that is responsible. But in a real sense are we not all responsible for the fact that the land of Dawkins is no longer flowing with milk and honey?

Never mind, Richard, the bees in your bonnet will make you some more honey!

Now today's Gospel reading contains just one message for us: it is a story about Zacchaeus, a person of restricted growth, climbing a tree. Members of our differently-heighted community have naturally condemned it as Achondroplasiaphobic Hate Crime, so we'll move on.

A piece of offensive bigotry.

As you may know, the Bishop's Conference is urging you to respond to a survey on divorce, same-sex marriage and contraception. I do urge you to take part in this - there are 666 easy-to-answer questions, and it should not take you more than about three weeks to finish it. With a new man in the Vatican, we naturally expect a total rewriting of Catholic teaching, and Pope Francis is anxious to be told what he should believe from now on. Perhaps he has already phoned up some of you to ask your advice?

Well, that's all we have time for. Just a reminder that there will be a retiring collection in aid of ACTA, the organization that is attempting to bring the church back into the 1960s, where it truly belongs!

The ACTA magazine - affiliated to the Tablet.

Deuteronomy

After a hard week attacking rebel Catholics, bad hymns and Dan Brown, what could be nicer than to curl up on the sofa with the book of Deuteronomy? This is part 5 in the Eccles Bible project, where we lead an atheist called Richard to salvation. We are looking at the last book of the Torah/Pentateuch: the word Deuteronomy actually means Second Law, which suggests that someone has miscounted. But never mind.

Deuterium. Not to be confused with Deuteronomy.

Right, let's dive in. We've got 34 action-packed chapters ahead of us. We start off, however, with three chapters of general smiting, and for some reason things go particularly hard for tall people. For example, Moses and his team kill Og of Bashan, the man with a true king-sized bed, 9 cubits by 4 cubits, which is made of iron.

Og of Bashan's iron bed (or perhaps a smaller version of it).

Moses then preaches a few sermons to the Israelites. They are unlike the modern sermon from a church leader, which goes something like this:

"As I was wandering in the desert this morning looking for any men from Heshbon that we might have forgotten to smite, I saw a vulture perching on a rock. 'Squawk, squawk!' he said to me, and I burst into tears, for it reminded me that we are not allowed to eat vultures. In the words of the poet: In for a penny, in for a pound – It’s Love that makes the world go round! Nowadays, we are faced by many real challenges, such as climate change, the need for more wind turbines in the desert, the demand for gluten-free manna and ethically-sourced quails, and of course an end to smiting people on the grounds of race, colour, religion, sexual orientation, or favourite football team. But God loves us all. There will be coffee on Mount Sion after the service."

Do not smite this man just because of his footballing beliefs.

No, Moses gets straight to the point and reminds people of the ten commandments; also he explains that they are going to attack all the followers of false gods, and smite them. This is not exactly what you might call "muscular Christianity": they weren't Christians at that stage, and anyway muscular Christians don't really smite people.

Take that, Dawkins minor!

Well, regrettably this is one of the more bloodthirsty bits of the Bible, but in those times it was quite common for people to fight wars against their neighbours. Thank goodness that's all stopped, eh?

Well, I'm fast-forwarding through the next few chapters, which are mostly repeats of earlier teaching (although the text Ye are the children of the Lord your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead, from Chapter 14, verse 1, would repay further study, especially by anyone who feels temped to make some baldness between their eyes.

They're heading for a land flowing with milk and honey.

By the time we get to the end of the book, Moses is now very old; he hands over the reins to Joshua, gives some blessings, takes a look at the promised land, and dies.

If you have been paying attention, Richard, you will notice that the Bible so far mixes legends (with some underlying historical basis), solid history, and the Mosaic law. Next time, we'll look at Joshua's career.

Mosaic law - lots of pieces that fit together.

Bosco is lost

Dis is a very worryin state of affairs. We has lost my dere bruvver Bosco. So far I got at least three thoeries about his disapearrance, which is leavin de poor folks on Damain Thopmson's blogg wivout any spirritaul giudance.

1. He have been taken by de Rapture.

Dis is possible, as we knows dat he is saved. But if so, why was I (Eccles) left behind? I is saved too, aint I? And does dey do pussonal Raptures like dat? Still, it may explane why dese shoes of Boscos is steemin. I fought it was just dat his feet was always hot and smelly.

2. He have been eaten by Anti Moly.

My dere Anti have a lean and hunggry look sometimes, and she does eat some strange fings, but I don't fink she can have done dis wikced deed.

Here is my Anti Moly lookin inoccent, as if butter wuoldnt melt in her mouf (in fact dat was just a figger of speech, she have been known to melt lumps of iron in her mouf when she gets reely cross).

3. He is doin somefink holly like saved poeple does.

In his campaing to become de next Pop, Bosco have been tryin very hard to be holly, and maybe he have gone into de willderness. We is grate fans of John de Batpist, and I fink Bosco may have packed hisself a nuorishin food parcel of loccusts and wild honey, so dat he can go away and medittate on de sacred mytseries, viz how many ways are dere of cookin loccusts and honey?

De Calumny Chappel has offered a reward.

$1000 if you finds where Bosco is, and makes sure he stays there.

Here is a pitcher of Bosco as we last saw him. Dont he look so sweet and gentel?
I do hopes he turns up agin soon.