The twelve days of Christmas

I started this song 3 years ago, got up to verse 5, and then gave up. Now, being totally lacking in shame, I have decided to complete it.

On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...a bishop in a pear tree.

On the second day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...two turkeys' books, ...

On the third day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...three old hens, ...

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...four cardinals, ...

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...five Dubia, ...

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...six priests a-preying, ...

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...seven Synners Synning, ...

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...eight clowns a-circling, ...

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...nine Roches raging, ...

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...ten Pachamamas, ...

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...eleven guards a-guarding, ...

Finally, on the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

...twelve popes a-poping, ...

Pope Francis is saved

"Well yes, I have been saved... but in my case it was such a close-run thing that I thought I had better keep quiet about it."

Sir Alec Douglas-Home, British Prime Minister.

A saved person.

The wondrous encyclical Fratelli Tutti contains a passage of Good News (or maybe Very Bad News). It is not buried in a footnote, and has even been advertised on the Pope's Twitter account, so we have to believe it is meant seriously.

We need to develop the awareness that nowadays we are either all saved together or no one is saved.

Well, on this blog we have always taken the viewpoint that You is not saved, only I is saved, but now we must revise our ideas. So I sent a Dubium to Pope Francis and by return of post I got an invitation to the Vatican to talk to the Holy Father.

Eccles: Your popeness, from the context, "saved" could mean several things:

1. Redeemed from the consequences of our sin, and permitted to dwell in Heaven eternally with the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.

This is the sort of thing a pope should be discussing, but from the context, it may also mean:

2. Saved from the great evils that beset mankind, of which climate change is obviously the worst, as it can lead to hot days, cold days, rain, drought, and dull cloudy days with sunny intervals possibly with fog on high ground take care and have a nice day.

Francis: Ha ha ha ha ha! Take that clown away.

Eccles (struggling in the arms of the Swiss Guard): Assuming that you were talking about religion, Holy Father, then we have two choices here:

(a) We are all unsaved. Which means that Jesus was wasting His time. This seems unlikely.

(b) We are all saved. Good news.

Pope Francis welcomes Eccles.

(Francis threatens me with a Papa-slappa gesture.)

Eccles: I suppose that being saved just means that you get eternal life. For you and me, Holy Father, it means a cushy abode in Heaven. For others, like Zen and Viganò, it may mean eternal life, but stewing in the Lake of Fire in Hell.

At this point the door was slammed on me and I was thrown out into the street. However, by good fortune I met Professor Richard Dawkins the celebrity atheist, author of "Why I am too grown-up to believe in God, and where He got it all wrong," who had come with some Dubia for Pope Francis.

Eccles: Dicky! What would being saved mean to you, if it were possible?

Dawkins: Well the Bible speaks of a land of milk and honey, and it is not far wrong. We atheists live entirely on honey, and Paradise for me would be populated by brilliant atheists, such as Grayling, Fry, John Lennon, etc., all feasting eternally on honey.

Eccles: Sounds like Hell to me.

At this point the Swiss guard gave me the "blow on the head" of peace, and I knew no more.

When I woke up I found myself in Mass, and, my head a bit hazy, it seemed that the Gospel passage went something like this:

They handed him a denarius and he said, "Whose head is this? Whose name?" "Pachamama's" they replied.

But I may have imagined it.

Yes, I must have imagined it.

Pope Francis joins the Climate Strike

After a fruitful meeting with 10-year-old activist Greta Thunberg, Pope Francis has eagerly agreed to take part in the Climate Strike.

Although he refuses to speak to his own cardinals, such as Burke and Brandmüller, the Holy Father has joined the Gretamania Cult, which has seen the 9-year-old superhero meet such eminent people as John Bercow, Jeremy Corbyn, and Donald Trump. No, not Donald Trump, although Joe Biden has offered to stroke her hair.

Curiously, 8-year-old Greta is not the shortest person from whom Pope Francis has ever taken advice - that honour goes to Austen Ivereigh.

"Climate science is so simple a 7-year-old child could understand it. Fetch me a 7-year-old child, as I can't make head nor tail of it."

So what results shall we see from the Pope's conversion to the movement? He has already vowed to glue himself to the High Altar of St Peter's, unless the Vatican reduces its carbon emissions to zero with immediate effect (it should still be possible to offer masses without treading on him). Moreover, Francis will no longer be working on Fridays, but will spend them sitting in a pink boat in St Peter's Square with distinguished scientist Emma Thompson (who is on her way in a private jet plane). Nobody is sure why.

"The Holy Father is backing me!"

Sadly, there are other unfortunate side-effects of the Pope's Laudato Si' ad absurdum approach. The Swiss Guard will be asked to jettison their new plastic helmets (which turned out to be ineffective against battle-axes, as the late Sergeant Emmenthal and Corporal Gruyère discovered to their cost when they tried sparring), in favour of low-carbon steel helmets.

Likely to get into the oceans and trap the heads of dolphins.

As 6-year-old Greta continues her world tour, we learn that she is soon to star in a remake of the Sound of Music, singing classic songs such as "Raindrops on roses cause acid rain damage" and "Ray, a drop of golden sun burning up the planet" to new settings by Marty Haugen. We wish her well.

5-year-old Greta in rehearsals.

Christine Blasey Ford attempts to stop canonizations

The canonizations of Pope Paul VI and Oscar Romero were interrupted today, when a wild-looking woman rushed into St Peter's Square claiming to have been assaulted by the duo back in the 1980s.

"They spiked my drink - this drink."

It was pointed out to Dr Ford that Pope Paul VI died in 1978, and Archbishop Romero in 1980, but she was unrepentant. "It must have been some other pro-life Catholic - who have you got?" she asked. "Perhaps that Polish guy. Shall we go for him?"

Pope Francis is now under pressure to get the VBI (Vatican Bureau of Investigation) to check the history of Pope Paul VI, and Oscar Romero, especially as neither has been properly scrutinised so far. The VIA (Vatican Intelligence Agency) may also be involved, but it is currently very busy trying to track down Archbishop Viganò with a view to terminating him with extreme prejudice.

"Remember, you are licensed to kill."

LATE NEWS: Dr Ford has now changed her story, and is very uncertain about whether she ever met any popes, or ever went to El Salvador. But she says that today she was admiring some papal tombs in Rome when a hand came out of one of them and pinched her on the backside. She is not sure which pope it was who assaulted her, but thinks it may have been Alexander VI, who is known to have had an eye for the girls. This is likely to set back his canonization by another 500 years.

The Dictator Pope

A new book by Marcantonio Colonna has revealed that behind the image of Pope Francis as a humble, merciful, foot-washing, baby-kissing uncle there lies the heart of a fiend.

A chaplain who once mocked Pope Francis disappeared without trace.

Amongst the revelations in this startling book are the following:

* General Galtieri never wanted to invade the Falkland Islands in 1982, but simply wished to devote himself to breeding llamas. However, the rector of the Philosophical and Theological Faculty of San Miguel, one Jorge Bergoglio, pushed him into a costly war.

Francis issues threats against Fra' Matthew Festing's pet hamster.

* Pope Francis very humbly refuses to allow his friends to call him "Holy Father", preferring the term "Generalissimo Franco".

* Pope Francis refers to his Swiss Guards as the "Stormtroopers": there is a secret elite corps in the Swiss Guard that is responsible for assassinations.

Everyone fears the SG.

* The original title of Amoris Laetitia was Liber Terrae Dominationis - a manual of world domination - but the Pope was persuaded that this was too obvious.

* Two of the cardinals who submitted the Dubia to Pope Francis have died - as Oscar Wilde (or possibly Agatha Christie) put it, to lose one might be a misfortune, to lose two looks like a remarkable stroke of luck for someone.

Alt-comedian Steve Colbert swears allegiance to the Pope.

* All Jesuits are Licensed to Kill.

* Pope Benedict is being kept prisoner in an underground cell in the Vatican, emerging only for photo-opportunities with glasses of beer.

* The name "Francis" was chosen as a tribute to Francis Ford Coppola, the producer of the Godfather films.

"I like the hammer and sickle, but could you remove the religious bits?"

Of course, I haven't read the book yet, and it may be about something else entirely.

---

A joke. Anyway, so Pope Francis goes to confession, and the priest says "Let's cut this short, Holy Father. I've read the book."

Swiss Guard told to soften up

As deacons in the Lancaster diocese know only too well, protecting the pope too enthusiastically can get you into hot water. This attitude has now reached Rome, where Colonel Daniel Anrig of the Swiss Guard has been dismissed for being too strict.

"Tell Francis that we're big softies really."

In the past the Swiss Guard was expected to behave like any other group of soldiers. "How many divisions has the Pope?" asked Stalin, and under Pope Francis the Catholic Church has more divisions than ever before. But from now on, if any crazed atheist breaks into the Vatican and tries to arrest the Pope (or, for that matter, if someone tries to steal some of its treasures), they are to be welcomed in and offered a cup of tea; under no circumstances should they be opposed by force.

A crazed atheist may look something like this.

The traditional weapon of the Swiss Guard - the Swiss Guard Army Knife - is being redesigned. No longer will there be attachments for disembowelling Tony Flannery, for pulling out the toenails of Hans Küng, or for tickling Tina Beattie. Instead, there is an iPod loaded with Argentinian dance music (for use in Masses), a miniature thurible, a candle, and of course the usual attachment for removing stones from horses' hooves. However, in the words of Flanders and Swann:

He seldom, if ever meets a horse
(It is this that makes him sad):
When he does then it hasn't a stone in its hoof,
But he would if he did and it had!

Said one disgruntled Swiss guard yesterday, "I joined the papal army in order to kill Muslims and Protestants, but my halberd has never seen any serious action. They don't like it up 'em, you know..."

If he doesn't stop reading out bits of Austen Ivereigh's book, I'll hit him.

So no longer will the Swiss Guard be allowed to sing "Onward, Christian soldiers" or to take potshots at passing heretics. From now on, there will be a new Swiss Role, and the soldiers will only engage in peaceful pursuits such as dressmaking, washing up, and, of course cooking (mostly pasta).

The Swiss Guard cookbook (this is real).

As Orson Welles put it: "In Switzerland, they had brotherly love, they had five hundred years of democracy and peace – and what did that produce? The cuckoo clock."

Pope stuck in traffic jam

As World Youth Day 2013 gets under way in Rio, the main news item that has emerged so far is that Pope Francis is there, and has got stuck in a traffic jam.

Strait is the gate, and narrow is the way. Matthew 7:14.

One of the explanations for this problem is that the Pope omitted to bring his Swiss Guards with him - the Swiss Guard Army Knife has a device for extracting Popes from traffic jams. Another relevant fact is that the Pope was alleged to be a victim of "road rage" after cutting up a Nissan Toynbee driven by Richard Dawkins, who was en route to a rival event known as "World Oldie Day".

Pious atheists listen in rapt attention to a speech from Richard Dawkins at WOD.

After the "road rage" incident, the Holy Father continued his journey by bus; Richard Dawkins wished to match him on this, but was told "There's probably no bus - now stop worrying and enjoy your life."

Luckily I brought my bus pass with me!

Meanwhile, a scandal is brewing in Rome after a bank-clerk, Mgr Battista Ricca, was allegedly stuck in a lift. Resignations are expected, mainly amongst the engineers who service the Vatican lifts. There are also rumours of a sex scandal here, and the unfortunately-named Cardinal Sodano will no doubt wish to reassure himself that there is no truth in it.

There's something not quite right about this elevator.

Meanwhile hysterical Vatican-watchers are hurriedly copying-and-pasting messages from unnamed priests into their blogs. So we can tell that the situation is serious.

Adopt a Deacon!

Some of you will remember dat a few weeks ago I adopted a random cradinal - in fact de website assinged to me Cradinal Ouellet. De good man didn't make it to Pop, but he has been in de news recently, cos de Pop sent him to tell de English and Welsh bishops dat dey aint all saved, cos some of dem aint been standin up for truth and justice.

Why is it always you four that I read about on Eccles's blog?

Anyway, we gotta new scheme goin now, which is to adopt a deacon. After all, cradinals is generally pretty well off, both spiritaully and materially, whereas deacons is de lowest of de low, often wiv naggin wives and screemin kids, and perhaps a parish priest wot gets em to unblock de drains after Mass.

A liturgical plunger - essential equipment for a deacon.

Anyway, I singed up for de new "Adopt a Deacon" scheme, cos I know many very good deacons wot could benefit from a few prayers, gifts of old socks, and so forth. In fact dere is one wot lives in de beuatiful town of Barrow-in-Furness and runs a website called Protect de Pop. I was hopin to get him, so I buoght myself de ceremonial pjyamas of de Swiss Gaurd, so dat I cuold do a bit of pop-protectin myself.

My new pair of pjyamas.

Also I got a Swiss army knife, wot has got a special blade for stabbin atheists with.

Still, it was not to be, dey has assinged me a very miserable deacon in Croydon, wot spends his time moanin at uvver Cathlics. Dis is gonna be a big challenge for me but I is gonna bring a little sunshine into de man's life.

De place where I is gonna bring sunshine.

In fact dere has been even more recent developments, as I has been invited to become a deacon myself. I got dis very interestin e-mail from someone called Chuck Umunny in Nigeria, wot told me I could become a deacon by a correspondence course. All I gotta do is give him my bank detials, date of birth, and other pussonal detials such as de name of my favuorite actress (Tina Beattie). In fact de trainin won't take long, as it aint very hard to do deaconly fings, you just says de black and does de red, as a friend of mine puts it - and, of course, you puts de plunger in and woggles it a bit once de priest has blessed de drain.

I may also have to trade in my red beretta (to which, strictly speaking I is not entitled) for a deacon's hat. Dis is de one I has chosen.

Wot deacons gotta wear in church.

So, if de course goes as planned, I will soon be Deacon Eccles. I will keep you posted.