Pope attacks distinguished cardinal

Somewhere near the Mediterranean, 63 AD.

Controversial Pope Petrus has savagely attacked Cardinal Paulus in his latest Apostolic Letter, called simply 43 Francis 2 Peter. In chapter 3 of this letter he writes as follows:

Vatican commentators regard this as exceptionally strong language for a pope to use, and a sign of the undying hatred that "boiling with rage" Petrus has for Paulus. His own "attack poodle" Antonius Spadarus, has joined in the fun, tweeting "Nah, nah, nah, nobody can understand his letters! What a Wormtongue Paulus is!" (a tweet he later deleted).

Blases Cupichus (seen here trying on some clothes "just in case") agrees with Petrus.

On the other hand Father Jacobus Martinus of Jesuitum has commented that he sees nothing wrong with twisting Paulus's words ("It's all in a day's work for a Jesuitan").

Petrus's papacy has long been regarded as controversial. Very early in his papacy, he was sent an enquiry, consisting of three Yes/No "dubia" as follows:

1. You were with Jesus of Galilee, weren't you?

2. Are not you also one of His disciples?

3. Did I not see you in the garden with Him?

Answer the questions, Holy Father!

Although the pope did provide answers to these questions, the answers were considered heretical, and Petrus was later subject to a formal correction - something that would never happen these days, oh no.

A few years later, Paulus made another formal correction of the pope, which he records in his Letter to the Catholic Herald Galatians as follows:

For this act of insubordination Paulus was exiled to Malta, and later to various other islands scattered round the Mediterranean, although he has continued to send letters to all and sundry.

Petrus has recently described Paulus as "rigid", and questioned his mental health, after Paulus insisted (see Acts 22) that he had been a Roman citizen all his life.

This blog will do its best to keep you up to date with future developments in the biggest crisis to hit the Catholic Church since the time of the Resurrection, when - according to Jacobus Martinus of Jesuitum - feminist icon Mary Magdalene succeeded in taking over the Church.

Church of England votes to allow atheist bishops

In an historic vote at the General Synod (now rebranded as "Oddsyns"), the Church of England has voted that atheists may be consecrated as bishops. This is seen as a general move towards equality and diversity, following a modern interpretation of Galatians 3:28:

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

Two aspiring bishops.

It was pointed out that there have been Jewish bishops in the past (e.g. St Peter), although he is not generally considered to have been an Anglican. So, if you're reading this, Rabbi Ephraim Mirvis - he's the successor to Jonathan Sacks, but nobody seems to have heard of him - then there may be a cushy job available in the Anglican church.

Rabbi Mirvis... looking for a nice comfy diocese.

Applications from the Greek Orthodox church are also warmly encouraged.

Today's historic vote was welcomed by Nick Clegg, the deputy prime minister, since it means that self-declared atheists such as he will be allowed to become bishops. Until now, atheists who wished to become Anglican bishops had to be more subtle in declaring their beliefs, usually by denying the truth of the resurrection, or, more subtly, by contradicting Jesus's teaching on marriage, life and death, etc.

Soon-to-be-unemployed atheist politician seeks bishop job. Has got own mitre.

Many of my readers are either Catholics (hello, there, Vin!) or atheists (hi, Richard!) and may be unsure what an Anglican bishop actually looks like. We decide to go to the Church Times for an authoritative picture.

At a solemn moment in the service, your bishops will levitate.

Of course the Catholics are unlikely to consecrate women, atheists, liberals or Jewish rabbis as bishops in the near future. However, there was a scandal recently in Lancaster, where the bishop was seen performing what looked like a Vulcan Death Grip on a worshipper, and was promptly accused of being a logically-minded alien. It was soon agreed that such a claim was ludicrous.

A deacon and his wife are accused of blogging.