Meghan says "just two husbands" in order to save the planet

We applaud the promise made by the Duchess of Sussex, wife of Prince Harry (sixth in line to the position of Supreme Governor of the Church of England), that she will limit herself to two husbands in order to save the planet.

Apparently, each extra husband produces 58 tons of carbon dioxide per year (as indeed do wives), which some regard as a bad thing. Having reached her quota of two husbands, the Duchess has promised to stop. It's always easy to say "Oh, just one more!" but the strongly religious must try and resist the temptation to take another spouse (or else they may justify it by reference to Amoris Laetitia, but that's another story).

Prince Harry backs Meghan's biconjugal pledge.

Indeed, in the Royal Family, although Charles and Anne have married twice, many traditionalists such as Queen Elizabeth, Andrew, Edward, and William, have so far rationed themselves to one dash down the aisle. It's a far cry from the conspicuous wife-consumption of Blessed Henry VIII.

Jetting off on her latest mission of world evangelisation, Meghan plans to meet some of the superstars that she regards as role models for all women; these include Caitlin Jenner, Chelsea Manning, Laverne Cox, etc.

As seen on the cover of Vague.

Her son, Prince Archie, is now beginning to talk (and, if he takes after his mother, will never stop talking), and we were lucky to obtain an exclusive interview with him.

Eccles: Archie, what do you think of your mother's plans to reduce her carbon footprint and save the universe, by limiting herself to two husbands?

Archie: ER ...

Eccles: Do you feel that she should be influenced by Greta "Little Greenbottle" Thunberg, or should she study the statistical regression techniques used in translating dodgy climate data into worldwide panic?

Archie: WANT POTTY!

Eccles; Your Royal Holiness, thank you very much.

"Tis I, Captain Greenbottle, saviour of the world! Waves at her adoring fans. Falls into the sea. Blames climate change."

Cardinals quarrel over which television show to watch

More controversy has broken out in Rome at the Extraordinary Synod on the Family, where senior cardinals have been arguing over which Vatican television station to watch in the evening, when they relax after a hard days synodding. As readers will know, there are two Vatican television stations, Vatican Trad and Vatican Mod, and they broadcast "Vetus" and "Novus" forms of the same television shows.

The sisterhood of Karn, from the Brain of Morbius.

It is believed that the quarrel started when Cardinal Kasper decided to switch over from Vatican Trad, which was showing a Doctor Who story, The Brain of Morbius, starring Tom Baker, to Vatican Mod, which was showing a Matt Smith story about lesbian lizards. Apparently, he felt that the (chaste) order of the Sisters of the Sacred Flame, as featured in the Morbius story, was too old-fashioned, and he considered it to be nearly as bad as the Franciscan Friars of the Immaculate. In any case the sisterhood did not sufficiently respect the value of homosexual relationships, and they certainly showed no sign of being Tablet-readers.

It is reported that Cardinal Pell, who had been enjoying the Tom Baker story, went over to the television and switched channels back again - being a traditionalist he would not use a TV remote control - and the evening continued with bickering and channel-switching for several hours.

The Brain of Kasper, said to be guiding the Synod.

The next evening, Vatican Trad was showing an old Sherlock Holmes film starring Basil Rathbone, while Vatican Mod was showing the modernist version, Sherlock. This time Cardinal Burke arrived first, and was comfortably seated in front of the Hound of the Baskervilles, when his enjoyment of the film was ruined by the arrival of Cardinal Kasper, who sat himself down and switched over to the Benedict Cumberbatch story, Sherlock, while asserting confidently, "Pope Francis prefers this version of the story, it's much more tolerant and merciful towards divorced, remarried, unmarried, or multiply-married families."

Basil Rathbone and Nigel Bruce, in a pre-Vatican II story.

In the end, it was decided to let Cardinal Napier - invited in as a token African - decide which television station would henceforth be the preferred medium for Synod 14, although at the time of writing his decision was not yet known. However, we have heard on the grapevine that Pope Francis himself is not interested in television, but prefers the humbler and simpler life of a radio-listener. We must wait a little longer to see whether he prefers modern programmes or more traditional ones.

Pope Pius XII was a great fan of the Goon Show (suitable for saved persons).

Ezra

We continue with the Eccles Bible Project, explaining the Bible to atheists and other unsaved persons, in the hope that they may finally see the point.

Good to see you're all here, class, so pay attention. Dawkins, put that honey away, or I shall have to confiscate it.

Ezra Meeker - probably the wrong Ezra, but a fine-looking chap anyway.

Our Ezra was operating in the 5th century BC, and like Ezra Meeker he was a bit of a pioneer - he made the trip back from Babylon to Jerusalem. The books of the Bible seem to have got a little out of chronological order here, but Babylon had fallen to Cyrus of Persia some years earlier, as we'll see later when we get to the very exciting book of Daniel.

So some of the Jews head back to Jerusalem. If you want to know more, read Chapter 2. Apparently, there were 42,360 of them, with 736 horses, 435 camels, etc. The exact figures aren't very important, so I won't include them in the test you're going to have.

One of the 435 camels.

Jeshua (Josue) and Zorobabel set to work building a new temple. Now this is where you come in, dear atheists, as in Chapter 4 the enemies of Judah and Benjamin (that's you lot) write to King Artaxerxes and get the rebuilding stopped. Actually, they probably weren't atheists - such a strange idea hadn't been invented in those days - just Muslims - er, no, that hadn't been invented either - well, some sort of other religion. Troublemakers, anyway - I'm sure you'll easily identify with them. But Haggai (Aggeus) and Zechariah get things restarted and eventually King Darius lets them get on with it.

I'm trying to get the chronology right here, but for some reason they insisted on counting years backwards in those days, as positive numbers hadn't yet been invented. So the temple is rebuilt in 515 BC, which is BEFORE Ezra gets into action (458 BC). Our hero arrives in Chapter 7 and we only have 4 more chapters to go.

Waiting for Ezra - He'll be along in another 50 years or so.

Ezra (Esdras) himself leads another great expedition from Babylon to Jerusalem, although he omits to mention any camels this time. This is about the first thing he does when he gets there:

And when I had heard this word, I rent my mantle and my coat, and plucked off the hairs of my head and my beard, and I sat down mourning.

Ezra (R), with torn mantle, reproaches Sechenias.

So what has upset Ezra? It is that the Jews in Jerusalem have taken strange wives. Well, of course many people have got strange wives - and strange husbands - and many of us are reduced to tears on seeing what our friends and relations have chosen to spend their lives with; but that is not what's meant here.

Darling, you're not at all a strange wife.

The point is that the Jews have promised not to intermarry with our people - it's all part of the "chosen people" deal, although they won't find out exactly what that means until they read all about it in the New Testament. So Ezra stops the "strange wife" business, and that's the end of his book. We come next to Nehemiah: the two books were originally combined, and our hero will reappear next time. Class dismissed: off to the playground with you!