The 2nd World Cup of Bad Cardinals - the runners

Well, it's not quite 4 years since the first World Cup of Bad Cardinals, but for obvious reasons now seems like an appropriate time to give the new talent a chance to compete with the old boys.

The medallists last time.

We now have [now updated] 32 nominations, consisting of all those who reached Round 2 last time (apart from Godfried Danneels who reached the last 8 but soon after went to his just reward), together with a few new guys who look very promising.

Jean-Marc Aveline
Lorenzo Baldisseri
Giovanni Becciu
Tarcisio Bertone
Joao Braz de Aviz
Francesco Coccopalmerio
Blase Cupich
Michael Czerny
Timothy Dolan
Francisco Errázuriz Ossa
Kevin Farrell
Oswald Gracias
Mario Grech
Wilton Gregory
Jean-Claude Hollerich
Walter Kasper
Roger Mahony
Oscar Maradiaga
Reinhard Marx
Robert McElroy
Wilfrid Napier
Vincent Nichols
Seán O'Malley
Marc Ouellet
Pietro Parolin
Arthur Roche
Christoph Schönborn
Leonardo Steiner
Luis Tagle
Joseph Tobin
Silvano Tomasi
Donald Wuerl

[Now updated.] Since we now have the magic 32 entrants, nominations are closed, and the competition will start on Friday 2nd September.

Oh, and we excluded popes, past and present, and also Uncle Ted McCarrick.

"Eccles simply doesn't appreciate my achievements."

The Roman Church breaks away

A guest post from the German bishops, with additional material from Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, Cardinal Cupich, etc.

We are deeply sorry that a small Roman sect has decided to split off from the universal German Catholic Church by refusing to bless same-sex relationships, to ordain women, or to support abortion. From now on we can only regard Pope Francis, the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith, and those backing them as schismatics, Protestants, and general Schweinehunden. In the words of St John of Lennon's Hymn "Imagine", which we sang when we blessed some happy couples this week:

Imagine there's no Heaven:
It's easy if you try.
Hell sounds much nicer:
We're off there when we die.

Fr Joe of the German Catholic Church says "I now pronounce you Thing and Thing."

In the middle ages, the Spanish Inquisition was a byword for brutality, but you ain't seen nothing yet, Francis! The German Inquisition will be much more savage. Already our top agent, Cardinal Kasper, is in Rome and preparing to act. Admittedly he is 96 and talks to trees, but that doesn't stop him striking terror into the hearts of Roman schismatics!

Time for some more "Imagine":

Imagine sin's abolished,
It isn't hard to do:
Nothing to repent of
And no redemption too.

You Roman Catholics may be proud of your Marty Haugens, Dan Schuttes, and Graham Kendricks, but we have John Lennon on our side, so be very afraid!

Imagine no possessions
I wonder if you can.
Of course we need our Church Tax
So keep on paying, man!

A worried Pope Francis gets advice on Peronist dictatorship from the President of Argentina (or vice versa).

The next Pope

The Rome correspondent Edward Pentin has written a book detailing some possible successors of Pope Francis in the Chair of St Peter. Not that Pope F is likely to quit soon, since he still has a huge pile of Dubia to answer - the latest one from Cardinal Zen asks bluntly "Are you mad or bad?" (a difficult question to answer). Also, the Pope's health is excellent - he works out every day in the martial art of Pappaslappa - so it is likely that he will live to be 100.

Rather than go for a "runners and riders" approach, let's detail some of the qualities that the next Pope must have, and see where that takes us.

Getting down wiv da yoof.

The Church needs more young people, and the way to bring them in is to forget dusty old notions such as God, but instead appeal to their interests, namely sex, drugs, dancing and listening to rock music. A Pope who can tell his Elvis Lennon from his John Presley is what we really need!

Someone forceful.

Nobody wants to think that their Holy Father is being manipulated by sinister forces, so is it not better to put the sinister forces in charge? That way we know where we are.

Someone who can make changes.

The German Church, imbued by the Spirit of Vatican III, not to mention Vatican IV, is showing us the way in dogmatic changes, and so a senior German cardinal, filled with the spirit of sauerkraut, kartoffelsalat and bier, would make an excellent leader for the Church as it heads for the cliff edge.

Is it time for a do-nothing Pope?

After all the excitement of Pope Francis's reign, maybe the Church needs a period of consolidation, with a Pope who has nothing to say, and nothing to do. Modern technology means that the next Pope may just be a cardboard cutout, programmed to give the occasional blessing. And who can say no to that?

A financial wizard?

The Vatican finances are rather dodgy at present, so perhaps it is time to forget evangelisation, saving souls, and sound doctrine. Instead we need to concentrate on building up a huge bank balance, and so it is time to appoint someone who knows all about amassing the stuff in sackfuls.

A safe pair of hands.

The Catholic Church should always be looking to the past, and perhaps it is time to elect someone who, although 87 already, can be relied upon to preach all the values of the swinging 60s, when the Church was reborn. It doesn't matter too much if the new Pope is barking mad, provided that he is there as a figurehead reminding us of our glorious past.

AND FINALLY...

Why not elect three Popes at once?

Let battle commence!

Here's the draw for the World Cup of Bad Catholic Journalists (with the word "journalist" being interpreted rather loosely in some cases). Conveniently, we stopped at 32 nominees, some of whom I had never heard of before; at least they all seem to be scribblers of one kind or another. We start with eight groups of four, from which the top two (decided by a Twitter poll) go through to the next round. Then a similar round to reach the quarter-final knockout stage. Gosh, this is exciting.

Remember the World Cup of Bad Cardinals? Cupich; Marx; Kasper.

Journaliste Extraordinaire	Round 1	Round 2
John Allen Jr	3	-
Tina Beattie	3	2
Liz Bruenig	6	4
Elena Curti	1	-
Dean Dettloff	8	3
Massimo Faggioli	5	3
Simcha Fisher	3	-
David Gibson	1	-
Dawn Eden Goldstein	2	1
Daniel Horan	4	1
Austen Ivereigh	8	4
Christopher Lamb	7	4
Basil Loftus	8	-
Matt Malone	5	-
James Martin	4	2
Joshua McElwee	4	-
Robert Mickens	7	3
Jeff Mirius	7	-
Jonathan Morris	4	-
Mike O'Loughlin	5	-
Catherine Pepinster	1	2
Philip Pullella	2	-
Thomas Reese	8	-
Ronald Rolheiser	6	-
Thomas Rosica	6	3
Alexander Santora	7	-
Mark Shea	1	1
Antonio Spadaro	3	1
Dario Viganò	2	-
Stephen Walford	5	4
Michael Sean Winters	2	2
Phyllis Zagano	6	-

And the Bad Hymns? Lord of the Dance; Gather us in; Shine, Jesus, Shine.

Whoever wins is guaranteed the approval of the Catholic Bishops of England and Wales, the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops, the Tablet and the National Catholic Reporter. Oh, and Father John Zuhlsdorf*.

*I made that bit up.

Of course "bad" can mean whatever you like it to mean - anything from "irritating" through to "wrong on almost every issue". Some - but not all - of the above nominees are really quite pleasant people.

James Martin discovers sin

Living the sheltered life of a New York Jesuit, surrounded by homosexuals, attending the odd "gay" Mass, being a close friend of Cardinal Cupich, and fraternising with actors and political campaigners such Steve Colbert, my hero Fr James J. Martin SJ has few opportunities for encountering sin.

Indeed, being a good modernist, Fr James has realised that there are nowadays very few sins. Homosexual acts? No. Adultery? No. Abortion? Well, maybe, but it's best not to upset our Democrat friends by mentioning it too loudly. Climate Change? No doubt - wasn't that how the Red Sea got divided?

But let's get serious now.

One of the few sins left.

A spokesman for the AFGH (All Foreigners Go Home) community told us: "We are very disppointed with Fr Jim's attitude. When is he going to build bridges towards us? Why no special AFGH masses? May I point out that we have a very inclusive community with members of all creeds and colours - white people who hate blacks, black people who hate whites, loonies who hate Martians, dogs who hate cats, you name it. But not a sign of welcome from Fr Jim!"

A racist cat goes out mouse-bashing.

It is true that the Vatican has a more enlightened attitude to welcoming racists. Dear old Cardinal Kasper told us that African Catholics "should not tell us too much what we have to do" at the time of the 2014 Synod on Dropping the Idea of Sin. It's true he denied it until it was pointed out that Edward Pentin had a recording of the interview. But then the LCPF (Liars, Cheats, Perjurers and Frauds) community explained that there was no problem with this.

Steve Colbert wishes to point out that he is not a member of the AFGH Community.

Anyway, once he has thought about this more carefully, we expect Fr Jim to give a more humane Jesuitical welcome to racists, who, after all, only need accompaniment, discernment, and perhaps a course of Ignatian yoga, in order to be feel welcome in the Catholic Church.

"Gotcha!" says Cardinal Müller

With a fine piece of trolling, Cardinal Müller, formerly of the CDF, has managed to leave egg on the faces of a variety of commentators, including Cardinal Kasper, Professor Massimo Faggioli, and Austen Ivereigh-Tusk.

Explained Müller to us: "I am on a hit list of cardinals whose every word will be attacked by those whose mouths are bigger than their brains (others on the list include Burke and Sarah). I therefore produced my "Manifesto of Faith", consisting of excerpts from the Bible and the Catholic Catechism (documents with which my critics aren't very familiar), knowing that some people would jump on them."

I was hoping to catch Cupich as well, but so far he hasn't fallen for my trap.

Cardinal Kasper made some interesting comments, likening Müller to Martin Luther (actually, Wally probably thinks this is a compliment), and also moaning about half-truths and blanket statements. ("Jesus said that a man can only have one wife. This is a half-truth, as in fact he can have two!" said Kasper, sticking straws in his hair.)

Another commentator, Philip Pullella, decided that Müller's insistence on Catholic doctrine was a "thinly-veiled attack on the Pope". It is true that the Manifesto starts with "Let not your heart be troubled!” (John 14:1), which is definitely a sentiment that is not too popular in the Vatican. In fact the great Fr Tim Finigan, an old friend of this blog, came up with a brilliant comment that Pullella would no doubt appreciate:

Elsewhere the great theologian Massimo "Beans" Faggioli was also caught in Müller's web, when he labelled use of the Bible and CCC as "spreading dissent" and wondered whether the CDF could do anything about this scandalous outbreak of Catholic doctrine among cardinals. Moreover, Austen Ivereigh-Tusk (cousin of Donald) referred to "a naked power play", but this may have been because his mind was wandering when he heard Dr Victoria Bateman, the stripping don, speak about Brexit on Radio 4.

Well done, you caught that tedious gnome Ivereigh!

Still, we must congratulate Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, who, like Cardinal Cupich, has so far not fallen into Müller's trap of criticising the Bible and CCC. Sometimes it is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak out and leave no doubt about it.

The Magnificent Eight

We have reached the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, and some real giants of the sport have fallen by the wayside. We say a tearful farewell to Baldisseri, Dolan, Schönborn, Wuerl, and several others who keep this blog going by their comic antics.

Still, we have the last eight, and a cracking set of cardinals they are. Looking for drugs, homosexual affairs, embezzlement, or simply persistent and dangerous heresy? Well you won't find them here, just eight papabile princes of the church. (Thank you for writing these comments for me, Fr Spadaro.)

So the draw is as follows:

1. Walter Kasper v Oscar Maradiaga.

RESULT: 64-36. Oscar "The cash of God" Maradiaga played well, but the veteran player Wally Kasper, with a lifetime of heretical experience to call on, won through fairly easily.

2. Reinhard Marx v Luis Tagle.

RESULT: 79-21. Class and experience win over Yoof-ful ambition as Rhino Marx crushes Chico the hipster to reach the semi-finals.

3. Blase Cupich v Godfried Danneels.

RESULT: 65-35. The glory days of the Sankt Gallen Mafia are over as "Godless" Danneels drops out, beaten by Cupich, the expert on rabbit holes and great pal of Fr James Martin LGBTSJ.

4. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Joseph Tobin.

RESULT: 69-31. We say "Nighty-night, baby" to Joe Tobin, as Cardinal Cocco snatches the last semi-final place (C will not be asked to take a drugs test).

As usual, MAY THE WORST MAN WIN!

Fans are already getting very excited at the prospect of the final round of this competition, which begins on February 5th. Remember that some of the cardinals have been training for months, taking advice from such experts in Catholicism as Professor Massimo Faggioli, Fr Thomas Rosica, Fr James Martin LGBTSJ, and Fr Dan Horan of Babylon.

From the street outside Eccles towers we hear all-night cries of "Nighty-night, baby!" and "Who wants some cocaine?" competing with "The money was resting in my account before being moved on" and some humble finger-snapping dances. The eight "barmy armies" (fan clubs) are out in force, but only one cardinal can ultimately win. We are ready to release the Smoke of Satan from the Vatican chimneys when we know who that is!

---

UPDATE: the semi-finals are:

1. Blase Cupich v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 50.4-49.6. Every vote counted, and in the end Cupich goes to the abuse summit confident of his place in the final. Wally fought back hard, with attacks on Müller's explanation of Catholic teaching, but in the end sheer vileness triumphed over a lifetime devoted to heresy.

2. Francesco Coccopalmerio v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 39-61. Knowing that Pope Francis was cheering him on, Rhino easily crushed the man with the lampshade on his head, and he goes into the final. This week's abuse summit will be an opportunity for the two finalists to show their talents before next week's FINAL.

---

Now, boys, I want a clean fight! Cupich and Marx discuss their prospects in the final.

UPDATE: the third place playoff:

Francesco Coccopalmerio v Walter Kasper.

RESULT: 28-72. The veteran Kasper won this easily. Cocco's one well-known moment of extreme vice wasn't enough for him to make much impact on a man whose whole life has been devoted to destroying the Catholic Church. Bronze medal for Wally!

The FINAL: Blase Cupich v Reinhard Marx.

RESULT: 61-39. In the end a crushing victory for the Chicago boy: Pope Francis's backing at the abuse summit clearly helped to swing it for him. Marx's own performance was lacklustre, and it almost seems that he didn't want the trophy.

Finally, the medallists.

Ten little cardinals

Ten little cardinals... or which one became Pope?

"Don't worry, you can lose weight by dancing with the Rockettes."

Ten little cardinals going out to dine;
One ate far too much and then there were nine.

"Nighty-night, Eccles baby! I love you."

Nine little cardinals sat up very late;
One said "Nighty-night!" and then there were eight.

"Never offend people by mentioning Catholic teaching, that's my motto!"

Eight little cardinals defending Alfie Evans;
One wasn't keen on this, and then there were seven.

"Fiddling? No, I'm a pianist."

Seven little cardinals playing dirty tricks;
One rigged a synod and then there were six.

"Hello, everyone, I've escaped again!"

Six little cardinals keeping faith alive;
One preferred to change it all, and then there were five.

"One of these days I really must get round to correcting Pope Francis."

Five little cardinals studied canon law;
One asked some Dubia and then there were four.

"Money makes the world go round. That's in the Bible somewhere."

Four little cardinals on a spending spree;
One made all the money go, and then there were three.

"I can't see any problems with the James Martin approach."

Three little cardinals building bridges new;
One asked James Martin’s help, and then there were two.

"Lutheran? Catholic? Who cares if they pay their Church Tax?"

Two little cardinals at Communion;
One joined the Protestants, and then there was one.

"Oh no, what's Pope Francis up to now?"

One little cardinal left silent and alone;
He became the next pope and then there were none.

Cardinal Marx bans the cross

On this, the 200th anniversary of the birth of Karl Marx, the founder of, er, Marxism, one of his illustrious descendants, Cardinal Reinhard "Rhino" Marx has taken the opportunity to explain that from now on the German Catholic Church will prohibit the use of the Cross.

You can fool some of the people all of the time.

It began with Rhino condemning the hanging of crosses in public buildings, which is only reasonable, for why should people be allowed to use the patented, trademarked, symbol of the Church without paying Royalties, like good Catholic Germans do with their Church Tax? But on further reflection, His Eminence has decided that the cross is a hated symbol of traditional Catholicism and needs to be exterminated completely.

"I used to wear a cross, but it's a hammer and sickle from now on!"

German Catholics are being told to abandon the "sign of the cross" and from now on will be making the "sign of the hammer and sickle": this is definitely more complicated, and osteopaths will be on hand to help anyone who gets into difficulties. The change from "Cross" to "Hammer and Sickle" is expected to be approved at the highest level in the Church - as with the Protestant heresy, the Germans lead the way - and Pope Francis, advised by top theologian Cardinal Walter Kasper, has agreed that it is a better symbol of modern Catholic belief.

Vorsprung durch Ketzerei.

Meanwhile, the German bishops - who sometimes make even the English bishops look orthodox - are debating whether a Protestant married to a Catholic should be allowed to receive Communion. That is, a Communion in which he (or she) doesn't believe. My distant kinsman Fr Bob Eccles has written some absurd letters in the Catholic Herald on this subject - apparently it isn't about what you believe, or what Christ taught, but more about what makes people happy (I paraphrase).

But the German bishops are divided, and they asked the Pope to rule on this matter. Do we go along with all the Catholic teachings of the last 2000 years, or do we have a free-for-all, in which the Host may be consumed by Protestants, Muslims, Atheists, and even British High Court Judges?

The Pope asks his new best friend, Katy Perry, for advice.

We don't know what advice Pope Francis received from his new theological adviser, but in the end he decided to play safe and treat the German bishops' enquiry as a Dubium. This means it was filed in a shoe-box labelled "Questions I am never going to answer".

So the ball is back with Rhino and his chums. The good Cardinal is said to be very hammer-and-sickle about the whole affair.

How social media bring people to the Catholic Church

In the news this week is Youtuber (whatever that is) Lizzie Estrella Reezay, who has announced her conversion to Catholicism. Apparently, social media are bringing in converts by the zillion: this blog will try and discover why.

"I owe it all to reading the Eccles blog."

Says one convert, "I feel that the Catholic Church is truly united behind Pope Francis at present. There is a general sense of well-being. He has solved the problems of China, by allowing them to appoint their own bishops, and probably the next Pope as well. He has waved his hand and made all the sex and financial scandals vanish into thin air. He has written a document on marriage and the family, Amoris Laetitia, that everyone can agree on. He has made some brilliant appointments of cardinals, by choosing the most unlikely people! What a time to be alive!"

"I'll have the shepherd's pie, made with real shepherds." No wonder people would rather be Catholics.

Said another convert, "I like the way new Catholics are made welcome. Austen Ivereigh - surely one of the giants of Catholic journalism - has described us as neurotic, and he is spot on! Then there's Professor Doctor Doctorior Doctorissimus Massimo Faggioli, a man whose knowledge of Catholic theology since 2013 (when the subject was invented) is second to none: he has warned us against conservative converts, and quite right too. Apparently the Catholic catechism will soon contain a section explaining that we should support Marxism, and that's only fair."

"Walter Kasper is my hero. A pillar of orthodoxy and traditional teaching."

Another convert spoke of the powerful work of Father James Martin LGBTSJ in driving people into the Catholic Church. "His new book, Digging a hole, is pure genius, and explains how we should all strive to go downhill. As explained in the papal encyclicals Facilis descensus Averno and Lasciate ogne speranza, voi ch'intrate, there is wide path that we can all follow, paved with good intentions, and this is the way he wants Catholics to go."

But why do people rely on social media for their spiritual nourishment? Instead, could the Catholic Church not appoint people as leaders - you know, generally-respected shepherds of the sheep, who could give guidance? We would expect such people to speak out on issues of public concern. I've even thought of a name for them - bishops!

A bishop, showing leadership.

No, there's no hope there, and so people are driven to social media for guidance.

A final word from another convert: "In the end, the most effective tool for Evangelisation is surely the Eccles blog. Pope Francis is a regular reader of his "How to be a good pope" advice column; Peter Hitchens has never been the same since it was pointed out to him that Queen Elizabeth I martyred Catholics; Antonio Spadaro hangs on his every word. It can't be long before these three people (and many others) come out as Catholics." He's right, you know.

What to do if a cardinal hands you a letter

It's time for another instalment in our "How to be a good pope" self-help guide, for those readers who may one day get dumped in the Hot Seat.

Suppose, just suppose, that a few years ago one of your cardinals handed you an eight-page letter detailing some really nasty things that happened in Chile with the connivance of one of your bishop pals. You have gone on record as saying you never received any such letter. But then, OOPS! Cardinal O'Malley insists that he did give you the letter.

Cardinal O'Malley, or maybe some other O'Malley.

Admittedly you don't have a very good record of dealing with letters from cardinals. Burke and co. might wish to remind you of those dubia you never got round to answering. Zen may remind you that he told you that the real Chinese bishops are all being tortured in dungeons while you cut deals to allow communist puppets to take their place.

Should you admit that you've been caught "doing a Kasper"? You remember that your mate "screwy" Kasper said some stuff which basically boiled down to "I don't like darkies," and then denied it. But it had actually been recorded, possibly on the advice of top Jesuit Fr Sosa, who believes nothing, including the Gospel, unless it is tape-recorded.

"No really, some of my best friends are Africans."

No, of course you don't admit anything. You can get your stooges (Spadaro, Faggioli, etc.) to deny that the letter was ever received. If it was important, why wasn't it sent recorded delivery and handed over by a properly qualified postman, rather than a totally unqualified cardinal?

There is also the Rex Mottram / Stephen Walford "infallibility" argument. In a spiritual sense the letter was never delivered at all, but, being sinful, Cardinal O'Malley failed to realise this.

If you imagine a letter in this picture, you are unsaved.

Just remember, you're the Pope. You are infallible. You cannot lie. There was no letter.

Still, check behind the sofa, just in case! .

Vicious attacks made on Sarah

Holy Land, about 2000 BC,

Faithful Catholics, who do their best to respect Pope Abraham, have been shocked by the persistent attacks on his wife Sarah from various ultra-liberal writers such as Christopher Goat of the Stone Tablet, Robert Mickheap the manure-dealer, Massimo Bean, Mike-and-Bernie Winters, etc. who find that she has this distressing habit of taking God's teaching seriously.

Pope Abraham and Cardinal Sarah.

Sarah herself has maintained a dignified silence in the face of abuse, which has even come from well-known clergy, such as Kasper the Jester ("She's a bit, er, African, isn't she?" he says) and Fr James Lot SJ, who has been attempting to build bridges with the LGBT community in the Cities of the Plain (supported by his wife Rosica the "Pillar of Salt" broadcaster), although the last bridge fell into a lake of fire.

Of course Pope Abraham's own ministry has not been uncontroversial. Some have accused him of trying to change Church teaching on infanticide, after a mysterious incident involving his son Isaac at Moria, and the subsequence apostolic exhortation A Moria Sacrificia. Indeed, the situation has become so bad that Abraham has refused to answer all dubia asking him to explain what on earth he means.

Cardinal Burke, have you tried submitting your dubia using a six-year-old sockpuppet? You might get a reply that way.

Of course, some say that Abraham is merely following Sarah's advice to "remain silent", and it is rumoured that they have not spoken to each other for 93 years.

The real fear of Sarah's critics is that she will survive Abraham, and take over as Matriarch: the "Mesopotamian Mafia" are hoping to elect someone more liberal such as Isaac, who is not expected to take church teaching very seriously.

Some mockers have portrayed Abraham as a cartoon character such as Superman, Scooby Doo or Popeye.

Synod to decide what 2+2 is

Following a violent disagreement in the Vatican about what exactly 2+2 adds up to, Pope Francis has decided to call an Extraordinary Synod to help define (or more probably, "develop") Catholic doctrine on the subject.

#Father #Spadaro makes #a #hash of his #arithmetic. Now, about that expenses claim, Father...

Of course, this is not a new question. The famous "Kasper proposal" was that 1+1+1 should equal 2, at least in the context of marriage, provided the numbers had been properly accompanied and allowed to discern that their consciences were really telling them to do whatever they pleased.

Four (or was it five?) cardinals, including Raymond Burke, have already entered the debate, proposing five or six dubia for the Pope to answer:

1. What is 2+2? Is the doctrine expressed in Pope Henry IV part 2's encyclical Numerorum Morsus ("Number crunching") that 2+2 equals 4 still valid?

A subtle attempt to persuade the faithful of Westminster.

2. If a hen and a half lays an egg and a half in a day and a half, how long would it take a hen to lay ten and a half eggs?

3. How many beans make five?

4. Antonio Spadaro can dig a pit in six hours, Blase Cupich takes twelve, and Joe Tobin takes eighteen. How long would it take them together to dig a pit large enough to bury them all? Can we try it?

5. What is 10+10? Is it 100 or 101? (Sorry, the pope doesn't answer binary questions.)

6. How long, O Lord, how long?

"How many fingers am I holding up? Yes, five."

Pope Francis has reacted furiously, and is said to be boiling with rage and questioning the mental health of anyone who asks for clarification about the new Catholic arithmetic. Having failed with his recent attempt to invade Malta in order to get his own back at Cardinal Burke obtain justice for the sacked health minister Albrecht von Lagerlout, the pope is seriously considering a nuclear strike on the USA, in the hope of annoying both Trump and Burke.

Meanwhile, here is the Ecclespoll^TM prediction of the result of the Synod on 2+2.

60%: the answer is 5 (merciful, liberated Catholics).
20%: the answer is anything you want it to be (Jesuits).
19%: the answer is 4 (nasty, rigid, traditional Satanically-inspired Catholics).
1%: DRINK!

Probably the only reasonable reaction to Fr Spadaro.