Nehemiah

So it's welcome back to our class of atheists and other beginners, as we resume the Eccles Bible project after the break. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas (er, just Mas in your case!), and wish you a Happy Nehemiah.

Anyway, to recap, here we are in the 5th century BC, and the Jews have been in exile in Babylon. As we saw last time, Ezra (Esdras) has brought some of them back to Jerusalem.

What ho, Nehemiah! Any chance of one of your pick-me-ups?

This is the tale of Nehemiah, the cup-bearer of King Artaxerxes of Persia, who retrains as a builder (or maybe architect) in order to get Jerusalem rebuilt. Ezra turns up again later in the Book of Nehemiah, and he is now billed as a priest and scribe,

Our hero rebuilds the walls of Jerusalem.

In the above picture Nehemiah is presumably the one reading the plans, rather than the ones doing the actual building, but one can never be sure. Perhaps the other chaps are the sons of Hassenaah, who built the Fish Gate (see Chapter 3); or possibly Malchiah the son of Rechab who was told to repair the Dung Gate. It was a true poet who named these gates.

This is what Nehemiah has on his scroll.

Actually, talking of Gates, we have Bill and Melinda here today in our Bible class for the first time. Welcome, guys! No mention of Windows in this book, I'm afraid, but I suppose you'll enjoy Jeremiah when we get to it, with its For death is come up through our Windows. I wonder whether Jerry was thinking of you there?

Half way through the book, Ezra attends to the spiritual needs of the people (now that their deliveries of fish and dung have been sorted out), and after a bit of prayer and penance they once again promise to keep the Law.

A delivery of fish.

Nehemiah actually becomes the effective governor of Jerusalem; he later pops off back to Persia to do some more cup-bearing, before returning to find that the Jews have gone off the rails yet again. So he fixes that.

In next month's instalment we have a choice: we can follow the Protestant Bible and jump straight onto Esther (so to speak), or take the Catholic and Orthodox line, and include Tobit and Judith.

Tobit or not Tobit? That is the question.

We'll discuss Tobit next. Class dismissed.

Desert Island Discs

There are rumours that the BBC is planning to change the format of its radio programme Desert Island Discs after a barrage of three complaints from the National Secular Society. At present, "castaways" invited onto the show are invited to take eight records of their choice, together with the Bible, the works of Shakespeare, and one luxury item. We asked Terry Sanderson, president of the NSS, to explain his objections.

By popular request: Terry Sanderson exiled to a desert island.

Explained Terry: "It is assumed that people will want to take with them the works of Shakespeare, but in this modern age few people believe in them. I'm not saying that some of the events portrayed in the book didn't happen - for example, most of us would accept the existence of Henry IV, even if we didn't think he came in two parts - but some of the stories are clearly legends that nobody can be expected to believe."

A ridiculous fairy story.

"This book about a midsummer night's dream," he continued. "Obviously a man can go around with an ass's head on him - my friend Richard Dawkins finds this idea totally reasonable - but there are miraculous elements in the story that reduce it to a fairy story."

Malvolio - imprisoned for smugness and "gay" stockings.

"There are may unsavoury incidents in the work," continued Sanderson. "My other friend Stephen Fry is shocked by the story of Malvolio, imprisoned for being insufferably smug and wearing yellow stockings. Stephen rightly says that if the story is true we should refuse to play any sport with Illyria. But my feeling is that the whole thing is a myth."

Polonius - simply a great teacher?

"I'll say nothing against the character of Polonius, although he is generally regarded as a humourless old fool," he added. "For various reasons I feel a natural affinity with him, and his martyrdom behind an arras is truly unpleasant. But it would be wrong to think of the play Hamlet in supernatural terms, and this nonsense about a ghost strains all credulity."

The "King James" edition of Shakespeare has made it a popular book since the early 17th century, containing as it does a mixture of history, moral teaching, instructive legends and poetry. However with the NSS condemning it, the BBC (which regards the NSS in high esteem) is likely to drop it from the radio programme.

The book of Macbeth is similarly fantastical.

A BBC spokesman said last night that they were expecting to drop Shakespeare, replacing it by a suitable secular work, such as The God Delusion or Whitehead and Russell's Principia Mathematica.

Just the thing for a long stay on a desert island!

De confesions of Bosco

I is pleased to see dat my dere bruvver Bosco has passed a good nihgt despite bein concused by Grate-Anti Moly's lapptop. She aint takin de blame, of course. In fact she have found a blogg postin dat Bosco made in 1996 sayin dat Austrialans cant be saved because Jesus would be upside-down if he went dere. She is usin dis as eviddence dat he atacked her first. Still, de finggers of supsicion are bein pointed at her, and she may decide to go away soon, especially as she has drunk all our gin.

Bosco sure was restless overnihgt as he kept talkin in his sleep. "I is a grate sinner," he said. "I confesses. It was me wot did 9/11 single-handed. I also stole all de gold in Fort Nkox and replaced it wiv chocolate wrapped in gold foil. I set fire to Rowwan Williams's beard. I filled Eccles's boots wiv treackle. I pinched Damain Thopmson's touppee when he came to visit. I covetted my neihgbour's servin-girl, except dat she slapped my face and said 'Stop covettin me, you pig'. Mea culppa, mea maximma culppa (dat's Lattin, it means 'It's a fair cop, I dunnit all rihgt, officer', and Cathlics says dat a lot). I got demons tormentin my sole, and I reppents."

I dont believe most of dem confesions of Bosco's although it is true dat my boots is a bit sticky, and dis creature what I thought was Bosco's pet hamster reely aint very lively. Here she is.

Grate-Anti Moly has gone out now, she says dat Bosco is drivin her mad wiv his confesions, and still dey go on. He says he is repsonsible for the Irish Potatto Fammine cos he got hunggry and ate all de potattoes. He is worried dat de police is gonna find out dat he is reely Jack de Ripper. Now he says dat it was him wot burnt de cakes and not King Alfred. Also he murderred Hamlet's father, and pinned de blame on Claudeus.

All rihgt Bosco darlin bruvver I will nuss you back to health, so dat you can go back to writtin your blogg and bein saved. Also Father Eel de Nutters of de Cathlic Emrggency Confesion Task Force have said dat you can stop confesin now, just say 200 Heil Marrys and you is forgivven. Den you can go back to bein a sinner as usaul.

Well I doesnt want to disturb Bosco in his fraggile state of health, but we has to be on de alertt for iddolatry, and here is somefink dat I saw on de TV, it was probbaly a religgious program. He's an uggly lookin saint aint he?