Desert Island Discs

There are rumours that the BBC is planning to change the format of its radio programme Desert Island Discs after a barrage of three complaints from the National Secular Society. At present, "castaways" invited onto the show are invited to take eight records of their choice, together with the Bible, the works of Shakespeare, and one luxury item. We asked Terry Sanderson, president of the NSS, to explain his objections.

By popular request: Terry Sanderson exiled to a desert island.

Explained Terry: "It is assumed that people will want to take with them the works of Shakespeare, but in this modern age few people believe in them. I'm not saying that some of the events portrayed in the book didn't happen - for example, most of us would accept the existence of Henry IV, even if we didn't think he came in two parts - but some of the stories are clearly legends that nobody can be expected to believe."

A ridiculous fairy story.

"This book about a midsummer night's dream," he continued. "Obviously a man can go around with an ass's head on him - my friend Richard Dawkins finds this idea totally reasonable - but there are miraculous elements in the story that reduce it to a fairy story."

Malvolio - imprisoned for smugness and "gay" stockings.

"There are may unsavoury incidents in the work," continued Sanderson. "My other friend Stephen Fry is shocked by the story of Malvolio, imprisoned for being insufferably smug and wearing yellow stockings. Stephen rightly says that if the story is true we should refuse to play any sport with Illyria. But my feeling is that the whole thing is a myth."

Polonius - simply a great teacher?

"I'll say nothing against the character of Polonius, although he is generally regarded as a humourless old fool," he added. "For various reasons I feel a natural affinity with him, and his martyrdom behind an arras is truly unpleasant. But it would be wrong to think of the play Hamlet in supernatural terms, and this nonsense about a ghost strains all credulity."

The "King James" edition of Shakespeare has made it a popular book since the early 17th century, containing as it does a mixture of history, moral teaching, instructive legends and poetry. However with the NSS condemning it, the BBC (which regards the NSS in high esteem) is likely to drop it from the radio programme.

The book of Macbeth is similarly fantastical.

A BBC spokesman said last night that they were expecting to drop Shakespeare, replacing it by a suitable secular work, such as The God Delusion or Whitehead and Russell's Principia Mathematica.

Just the thing for a long stay on a desert island!

In secular seculorum

My Anti Moly, wot is an atheist, and not very saved, was sittin in an armchair last week, drinkin a "possum's spleen" cocktail - gin, tomato juice, custard, and a dead spider - when she said to me, "Eccles! De Natoinal Secular Society is gonna hold a Secular Europe Rally, and we is gonna go along. Dey has put an advert in de paper sayin, 'Because of equality and diversity regulatoins, we is now obliged to recruit some intelligent people as well,' so let's go along and see what it's like."

As you can see, fanatical loonies are still welcomed.

"But Anti," I explaned, "I is a saved pusson, and we doesn't do secularism in de Calumny Chappel." But she insisted.

Our host, Damain Thopmson, said he couldn't come, because he was goin to a meeting of de Pinkshorts - dat's a para-military group he has jioned, wot sits around all day eating cupcakes and waitin for de return of Gladys Mills, de once and future Queen. (When she turns up, dey will shout "Heil Gladys!") So Anti and me went on our own.

We was very pleased to see lots of celebrities marchin down de street saying "What does we want? Nuffink! When does we want it? Now!" For example, I saw Richard Dakwins carryin a banner, sayin, "Church of Dakwins. Please leave your brains outside" (dat's a joke I stole from de opera Oilanthe).

"I'm sure that Declan was only joking when he called me the Satanic Anti-Christ."

Also de famuous Cathlic Professor Tiny Betty was dere, de one wot has been so creully banned from a 20-mile radius of Clifton Catheddral. I used to fink dat Cathlics cuoldnt be secularists, but luvvly Tiny tells me dat on matter such as divorce and gay marriage she is much closer to de secularists dan to de Pop. "Is you gonna swim back over de Tiber?" I asked her. "Swim, Eccles? I finks I can walk on it!" she replied.

"Between the two of us we should be able to keep Professor Beattie out."

Well, de highlight of de secularist rally was a speech from Terry Sanderson, pointin to de acheivements of secularism in history. I can quote it in full. "Er, um, well, yes, we've all done very well." I like a speech like dat wot gives me plenty to fink about. I weren't so sure when he came to talk about what a grate fing it is to abort babies if dey is gonna be ugly like my bruvver Bosco, to have sex wiv poeple of de same sex, and to get put to death when you ain't feelin' too well. My Anti Moly ran away at dat point sayin "I aint ready to die yet, it was just a bad spider I ate."

I fink Terry must also be quite keen on slavery too: apparently dere was a chap called Wilbur Force who stopped it, and I fink he was gonna point out dat it's just anuvver example of how relligoin prevents us all from havvin fun.

Wilbur Force - a typically interfering Christian.

I gotta chance to talk to dis Terry pusson afterwards, and I fink his probblem is dat he got very bored by relligoin in school, and so decided dat de experts had got it wrong. He told me dat he also got bored by mathemmatics, so next week he is organizing an Innumerate Europe Rally, wiv de following powerful sloggan:

Don't accept that 2 + 2 = 4.

2 + 2 = 5 is your right.

Well, we all had a good time bein secular. But when I left, and I said "God bless you, Mr Sanderson, you is a slightly saved pusson," he bit me in de leg. I fink I might have rabbis now - being ecumenical aint as easy as it seems.