Covidicus, Chapter 11 meets Brexodus, Chapter 22

Translator's note: Sometimes we find that two distinct chapters of the Bible are identical: for example, 2 Kings 19 and Isaiah 37 (not to mention the book of Rosica, which is copied from numerous other texts). Here is another case in point.

Continued from Brexodus Chapter 21 and Covidicus Chapter 10.

1. In the last month of the year, Bo-sis was ready to sign a treaty with the new Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, so that the children of Bri-tain would finally be able to make peace with EU-gypt.

2. However, the Frenchites, the Spanishites and the Dutchites were very fond of fish, and their fishermen spake out saying "For many years we have fished in the Red Sea, yeah, even in the waters of the children of Bri-tain. Let us continue to do so."

3. "For our starving children ask us for fish, and we have to give them a serpent. (Which, actually, the Frenchites quite like.)"

4. Meanwhile, the plague continued to rage, and even as the mighty vixen began to protect the elderly and infirm, Bo-sis had ill tidings for the people. Indeed the tiers began to flow as never before.

5. For the Londonites were cast into a fourth great tier, where there was a weeping and gnashing of teeth. And there they remained.

The pool of tiers.

6. However some were able to flee Londinium, by digging a tunnel under the great highway known as the twenty-fifth M, and then fleeing through the countryside disguised as bank managers from Birmingham.

7. But now the holy season was approaching, in which the people were accustomed to feast on turkeys, to drink wine, and to praise the gods of gold and silver, bronze and iron, wood and stone.

8. But Bo-sis told them to feast alone, and he wrote on the wall the powerful words "MENE, MENE, TEKEL, UPHARSIN," which, being translated, is "HANDS, HANDS, FACE, SPACE."

9. However, the people were still permitted to attend the temples to worship. This did not please the High Priest Welby of the Anglicanites, who spake out saying that the aged ones should not go to the temple, but stay at home watching the box that is called Goggle.

10. For it was written, "Your old men shall see tele-visions and your young men shall dream dreams."

11. Moreover, the learned doctor Daw-kins, whose life story is recorded elsewhere, was also wrathful, and he cried out saying, "Bah! Humbug!" which later became the title of his next book on religion.

St Richard throweth a tantrum.

12. Meanwhile, the criers of news shouted out "EU-gypt fish talks! Read all about it!" but this turned out to be a mistake, for no such talking fish was found.

13. Then Bo-sis explained to the people that the plague had been so unpopular, that he had ordered a new plague, which came from the southeast and was even worse than the old one.

14. This made the Frenchites exceeding wrathful, and their emperor, the mighty Macron, closed the frontier between Bri-tain and the land of the Frenchites. that none might pass.

15. And the children of Bri-tain wailed in torment, for they could no longer eat of the snail nor of the leg of the frog, and they were likely to starve.

Continued in Covidicus, Chapter 12.

English bishops comment after trip to Rome

After their ad limina visit to Rome, the Catholic bishops of England and Wales today accused the Vatican of twisting their words, having discovered that a totally implausible statement had been issued in their name. This is generally agreed to be the highlight:

As we spoke with Pope Francis we realised, more and more, that he simply radiates this joy and peace. He is indeed gifted with a unique grace of the Holy Spirit of God.

Even in this time of turmoil, the Holy Father is so clearly rooted in God and blessed by God. His peace is secure. His life is serene. We know, because he showed us his heart. It is the heart of a loving father.

Don't mention the Dubia! Or the Order of Malta. Or China. Or McCarrick.

It is suspected that someone such as Cardinal Baldisseri got to the original statement. This was far less effusive, and said:

We had a lovely time in Rome, and Pope Francis served us some delicious tea and Eccles cakes. We talked to him, and he listened. Then he talked to us about something totally different.

We realised, more and more, that Pope Francis is a tall man, although rather overweight. He has been gifted with the papacy by the St Gallen Mafia, and we appreciate his authority.

In this time of turmoil, Pope Francis radiates serenity. Nothing can trouble him. Anyone who attempts to trouble him is promptly shown the door. We know, because he showed us one of Cardinal Burke's kidneys - he keeps it in the freezer.

Bishops in the bus. Ad orientem or versus populum, My Lord?

Bishop Philip Egan, along with Mark Davies, is generally considered to be one of the more saved of English bishops - a sort of anti-Nichols - but even he could not resist joining in the fun.

The meeting with the Holy Father was remarkable - 2 and half hours!! It was Q&A. He spoke as a pastor and a father, full of wisdom, and many of us asked him questions.

Yet again, we have managed to locate the original statement, before the bishop's Twitter feed was hacked.

We asked the Holy Father many questions, although he explained that there was no time in which to answer them. In fact Pope Francis is a busy man, fully occupied in plans for world domination, developing heresy through new synods, and a new "seek and destroy" accompaniment for Archbishop Viganò. He certainly has no idea who Cardinal McCarrick is.

We also met Fr Spadaro, and, although many people say he spends all his time underground, living on fish and looking for his "precious", the smell is hardly noticeable. Or maybe I have a cold.

The Pope's most trusted adviser, along with Austen Ivoryhead the dwarf.

Reading Francis through Rex Mottram

In Evelyn Waugh's Brideshead Revisited the character Rex Mottram gives us a useful way to interpret Pope Francis.

'Supposing the Pope looked up and saw a cloud and said "It's going to rain," would that be bound to happen?'

'Oh, yes, Father.'

'But supposing it didn't?'

He thought a moment and said, 'I suppose it would be sort of raining spiritually, only we were too sinful to see it.'

A simple exercise: can you see Francis sitting in this chair, or are you too sinful?

The above picture is a useful test: early in his reign, Pope Francis was reported to have stayed away from a Beethoven concert in his honour. Of course, that would have been simple rudeness: the fact is that he was there, but only very spiritual (saved) people could see him. The rest of you are simple sedevacantists.

We should take the words "Tu es Petrus" literally. Pope Francis is Peter. Send him off to sea in a boat (something that many Catholics have felt like doing recently), and he will come back with a catch of fish. Although you may be too sinful to see them, or even smell them.

"Look at the size of this fish!"

Likewise, when the four cardinals submitted five dubia to Pope Francis, checking that he wasn't attempting to "develop" Catholic teaching on marriage, the Holy Father responded by return of post, affirming that the answers were "No, yes, yes, yes, yes" (a cry often heard in Jesuit seminaries on a Saturday night). However Cardinal Burke and his colleagues were too sinful to realise this.

Pope Francis presents an ecstatic Cardinal Burke with a copy of Amoris Laetitia.

Which suggests that Bishops Scicluna and Grech, in thinking that doctrine had been changed developed, were grave sinners. But we knew that anyway.

This brings us to the latest crisis involving the Order of Malta. It has been claimed that Pope Francis has - like his compatriot General Galtieri - annexed another sovereign state and installed his own puppet government. After all, the order of Malta is/was an independent subject in international law, like the Vatican.

"Thanks for the advice, Vladimir!"

Of course Peter wouldn't do such a thing, and it is your sin that gives you this impression. There is no way you will see the Pope behind bars. Forget it.

Just visiting!

Eccles registers with the Ministry of Truth

Under Home Office plans, Imams, priests, rabbis and other religious figures will have to enrol in a "national register of faith leaders" and undergo vetting.

Well, naturally Brother Eccles could not expect to stay under the radar for long, and I received the following letter from the Ministry of Truth.

The Ministry of Truth investigates a religious blogger.

Dear Brother Eccles,

We understand that you are the author of a spiritually nourishing blog that is read worldwide by as many as six people. This means that you must register as a "faith leader" and subject yourself to regular training and inspection. Our inspector, Brother O'Brien, will be knocking on your door at 4 a.m. to take you to a cell, where we shall address the many problems with your blog that have come to our notice. These include:

1. Derogatory remarks about David Cameron, his fondness for visiting fish markets, his unwillingness to address the problems of Islamic extremism, and his rush to implement same-sex marriage legislation.

Big Brother shows his appreciation of fish.

2. Too many unfunny jokes, or at least jokes that our civil servants in the Ministry of Truth need to have explained to them.

3. Critical comments about registered "national treasures" such as Elton John, Gerry Adams, Richard Dawkins, Stephen Fry and Dr Giles Fraser of the BBC.

A penguin national treasure trying to think of something silly to say.

4. A general religious attitude in your blog, as seen in the fact that you use prohibited words such as "sin", "evil", "adultery", "murder" (in the context of abortion), and "God".

5. A tendency to mock senior international figures such as Barack Obama, François Hollande, Jihad John, Robert Mugabe and Kim Jong Un; if one of these were to read your blog it might cause a major diplomatic incident.

I warn you now that if you do not change the tone of your blog, then you will probably have to be burnt at the stake.

Little Uncle pp. Big Brother.

Luckily all is not lost, and support has come from an unexpected direction.

Michael Voris eats some Eccles cakes in solidarity with your blogger.

Through the Christian year with David Cameron

Happy Easter, everyone! David Cameron has given us his seasonal message, and as reported by Madeleine Teahan in the Catholic Herald, it clears up a serious misapprehension under which Christians have suffered for many years.

It's the principle around which the Easter celebration is built. Easter is all about remembering the importance of change, responsibility, and doing the right thing for the good of our children. And today, that message matters more than ever.

In fact, this doctrine is just an excerpt from Dave's new spiritually nourishing book Through the Christian year with David Cameron, and we are privileged to be able to print further excerpts on this blog. So here goes.

David Cameron explains basic theology to Pope Benedict XVI.

"The church year starts with Advent, where we look forward to the coming of a new leader. In the Old Testament there was an emphasis on traditional Thatcher-Majorite Conservatism. Then comes the Apocrypha, filled with weird stories about shadowy figures such as Hague, Duncan-Smith and Howard. Finally, the New Testament tells of the coming of a Saviour to redeem the world, and bring a whole new set of teaching. And this Messiah is called Dave.

At Christmas we are asked to reflect on the importance of a well-managed economy, and the regulation of public expenditure. Caesar Augustus called all the world to be taxed, but he could equally well have cut public expenditure and reduced government borrowing. We never hear of Joseph actually paying his taxes, and indeed he is said to have fled into tax-exile in Egypt.

The flight into tax exile.

At Epiphany, we read the story of three great kings, named Cameron, Miliband and Clegg. King Cameron brings gold, which symbolises prosperity and job-creation. Anti-king Miliband brings frankincense, but that isn't enough to take away the clinging smell of bacon sandwiches. Deputy king Clegg brings myrrh, symbolising death, in particular the death of his political ambitions.

Controls on immigration! A gift from Anti-king Miliband.

So we come to Lent, a time of austerity. The message here is that only the Devil tries to stop us from making sacrifices - well, not me, obviously, but most of you - as we wait for the economy to recover.

At Easter, we celebrate chocolate eggs, Easter bunnies, daffodils, Bank Holiday traffic jams, and a well-deserved two days off work (or, for MPs, a month). We have no plans in our manifesto to scrap Easter, although if the gay lobby tells us it's necessary, then we reserve the right to change our minds on that one!

In May we have a festival called Ascension. This is when millions of faithful worshippers go into a polling-booth and put an X against the name of the Conservative candidate. After this, I go up to 10, Downing Street.

Seven party leaders organize a drinking contest.

Whitsun (or Pentecost) is traditionally a time for marriage, and surely the main Christian message here is that marriage is a wonderful thing, and should not be restricted to one man and one woman. "Be fruitful and multiply," said God, and if you can't manage this because you are a same-sex couple, then the Lord provides test-tubes and clinics whereby you may still pretend to be the parents of a child.

After that the country (or at least Parliament) has a long holiday between May and November. We call it "Ordinary Time" and regard it as a time to go on holiday and visit fish-markets. In this we simply emulate the Apostles, who were also fishermen. Of course, we will occasionally read in our papers about massacres of Christians and others, by Muslims, but that's none of our business, and it should not take us away from all those lovely fish!"

Scottish sturgeon? No thanks!

I am the Archbishop of Westminster

With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan, yet again, for a rewrite of HMS Pinafore. To be sung by a rather undisciplined cardinal, together with a chorus of admiring bishops.

"... and I have no memory of ever meeting Kieran Conry."

I am the Archbishop of Westminster;
   And a good Archbishop, too!
You're very, very good,
And be it understood,
You're all splendid bishops too.
   We’re very, very good,
   And be it understood,
   We're all splendid bishops too.
While folk shudder, "He said that?"
I have got a big red hat,
So I know the Pope likes me;
Though my memory may fail,
I know how to spin a tale
And I never utter heresy!
   What, never?
No, never!
   What, never?
Hardly ever!
   Hardly ever utters heresy!
   Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
   For the saintly Archbishop of Westminster!

"You're cohabiting with a giant rubber fish? That's really splendid. Well done!"

I do my best to sanctify you all –
   And with you we're quite content.
You're a witless load of fools,
But it's not against the rules
If you sin and don't repent.
   We're a witless load of fools,
   But it's not against the rules
   If we sin and don't repent.
Gay Masses in West One,
Are surely lots of fun,
They're events I'm pleased to see.
Folk say Kasper should retire,
But it's him that I admire,
And I never welcome Tina B. –
   What, never?
   No, never!
   What, never?
Well, hardly ever!
   Hardly ever welcomes Tina B. –
   Then give three cheers, and one cheer more,
   For the faithful Archbishop of Westminster!

Well... hardly ever!

Worshipping dead fish

There is a possible interpretation of the Bible that says that Jesus came into the world to supply us with dead fish. This viewpoint is held by the Episcatorian Church, part of the Anglercan Communion; for them the feeding of the five thousand on bread and fish is a central part of Jesus's ministry, together with the events after the Resurrection, when He advised His disciples how to catch fish and then prepared them a fish breakfast cooked on a fire of burning coals.

A miracle involving fish.

Prime Minister David Cameron is of course a man of strong religious convictions, and, although he does not speak often of this, a pious Episcatorian. His trip round the fish-markets of Portugal at the time of Armageddon has been widely mocked (including, regrettably on this blog), but he was merely undertaking a pilgrimage in accordance with the tenets of his deeply-held piscine faith.

A dedicated fish-worshipper visits some holy shrines.

Episcatorians sing many of the modern hymns that Anglercans love, such as "Follow me, follow me, leave your home and family, Leave your fishing nets and boats upon the shore" and "If I were a butterfly, I’d thank you Lord for giving me wings, ..., If I were a fish in the sea, I’d wiggle my tail and I’d giggle with glee", together with modified versions of more traditional hymns, such as "Be still, my sole" and "Hark! The herald angelfish". They generally conclude their service with the traditional "The piece of cod which passeth all understanding".

On the side of the angelfish.

I hope that this clarifies the situation, and will put an end to malicious comments about David Cameron along the lines of "Why is he totally ignoring what ISIS is up to? Why doesn't he ask for a recall of parliament? Why does he make even Obama look good by comparison?" Our pious Prime Minister will pray for peace in the way he knows best, by visiting yet more fish shops, and he will leave the military aspects to Pope Francis, who is even now planning to drop an elite force of "Magic Circle" bishops in Iraq.

The Pilgrim's Ogress 8: Getting tough with ISIS

Continued from Part 7.

The story so far: Eccles and his Aunt Moly are on a pilgrimage, and have now arrived in Portugal. Prime Minister David Cameron takes up the story.

I may not care about ISIS but I'm very worried about iced fish.

As Prime Minister, I find that a period of rest and relaxation is a very important part of my job, and so Samantha and I headed for Cascais in Portugal, in order to recharge our batteries by making an in-depth study of fish markets. We were just giggling at an overgrown Scottish Salmond that had run aground and been caught out, when in walked a young man in a red biretta accompanied by an old lady clutching a gin bottle.

"Enjoying your holiday?" asked the rather vacant-looking man, whose name, it later transpired, was Eccles.

"This is a time for difficult, and I may say, unpopular decisions," I replied sternly. "I have a positive vision of what is needed for a fair and just dinner tonight; however, I still have to convince Samantha that our future depends on going for the efficiency and flexibility of a meal based on haddock, rather than the more popular short-term alternative of cod."

"Oh really. Heard the news, by the way?" asked Eccles. "ISIS is committing genocide in the Middle East, Christians are being massacred, and President Obama has responded by getting his golf handicap down to 22."

George Galloway - hitting Israel where it hurts by banning their tourists from Bradford.

"Woeful!" screeched the old lady who, I later discovered, was Eccles's aunt.

"Yes, I thought things had gone quiet," I rejoined. "We seem to have lost someone called Baroness Whowasshe over the Gaza issue - I was never quite sure how she got into my government in the first place - and she was a Muslim woman, so I am going to have to use Google to find another. Also, Boris wants my job again."

"So you don't propose to do anything to help the Christians in Mosul, or the Yazidis on Mount Sinjar?"

"Oh no, I don't think that would be very popular with our focus groups," I explained. "There are no votes in helping Christians - they refuse to subscribe to my core policy of seizing the middle ground between Good and Evil. And although it might be nice on the grounds of equality and diversity to save a few Yazidi refugees with their 'Peacock Angel' temples, this is not going to help me win the 2015 election, is it? I might alienate the Muslim terrorist vote."

No votes in peacock angels.

"Have you no shame? No conscience?" asked Eccles, his originally-placid countenance suddenly as twisted as Vince Cable gets when I tell him his sums are all wrong.

Luckily, I never go shopping for fish without my personal bodyguard - there are sharks everywhere - and Eccles was hastily escorted away. I have a deep conviction that my policies - based on the old legal maxim of caput in arena*, will soon be widely accepted, even amongst the small Christian community, but it is an uphill struggle to convince them!

*head-in-the-sand

Continued in Part 9.

Tobit

Today we have a new recruit to the Eccles Bible Class, namely Graham Norton, a TV "celebrity", who described Catholics defending traditional marriage as "rats trapped in the corner of a barn". In order to help the poor man learn some manners, it was decided that he should come along to this month's lesson, which covers the book of Tobit. Hello, Graham!

Tobit (also called Tebbit).

Now, Graham, we don't have any rats for you in the book of Tobit, although there is a fish that attempts to devour the foot of Tobit's son, Tobias. Some good comes of this, as after overcoming the fish, Tobias is told: If thou put a little piece of its heart upon coals, the smoke thereof driveth away all kind of devils, either from man or from woman, so that they come no more to them. We'll try that one on you later, Graham!

Tobias (also called Toby).

Still, let's start at the beginning. It's a bit of a tangled story, as both T senior and T junior are referred to as Tobias. To avoid confusion, we'll call them Tebbit and Toby (or young Toby). Now they are both righteous chaps, living in exile in the Telegraph blogs Nineveh. Two problems are dealt with in this book:

1. Tebbit goes to sleep under a swallow's nest, gets hot dung in his eyes, and goes blind. I suppose the modern equivalent is watching Graham Norton on television. Only joking, Graham!

2. In faraway Rages, a city of the Medes, a lady called Sara has got problems with demons. Indeed, her seven husbands have been killed by Asmodeus "at their first going in unto her". Don't snigger at the back, there, Fry.

Asmodeus, the demon of lust (from his Facebook page).

So off goes Toby ("On your bike!" says his father, in some translations), and he meets the fish. Fortunately, he is under the protection of the angel Raphael, which means that he is going to win through in the end. He marries Sara, his kinswoman, and drives away the demon by burning the fish's liver in his bedroom. Of course, the bedroom smells of burnt fish for a long time afterwards, but this is a small price to pay for married bliss. Raphael binds the devil, and we hear no more of him. Do spare a thought for Raguel, Sarah's father, who digs a grave for Toby only to find that it isn't needed.

Toby goes back to see Tebbit, and uses the fish's gall to cure his father's blindness. Many years later, Tebbit dies, and Toby leaves Nineveh - which is doomed, as we'll see later when we reach Jonah - to return to the land of the Medes.

Toby and the fish.

Now, this is a great book of fish recipes, but that's not really the point. One of the themes - sorry, Graham, it really isn't your day - is marriage. And when the third night is past, thou shalt take the virgin with the fear of the Lord, moved rather for love of children than for lust, ... that sort of thing. Chapter 4, old Tebbit's advice to young Toby, is also hot on charity, wisdom, avoiding pride, praying, voting Conservative, etc.

Ah, Dawkins, I see your hand is up. I think I know what you're going to say: "Fish gall doesn't cure blindness, there are no such things as demons, or angels. Giving alms isn't going to benefit you personally. There's nothing wrong with a bit of lust." Shall we make it easy for you, as you're a beginner? Look at some of the instructive moral teaching, don't worry too much about the supernatural elements for now - I know they give you a headache - and leave it at that. Oh, and here's your guardian angel to escort you home.

John Cornwell? Doesn't he write rubbish books about popes called Pius?

Nehemiah

So it's welcome back to our class of atheists and other beginners, as we resume the Eccles Bible project after the break. I hope you all had a Merry Christmas (er, just Mas in your case!), and wish you a Happy Nehemiah.

Anyway, to recap, here we are in the 5th century BC, and the Jews have been in exile in Babylon. As we saw last time, Ezra (Esdras) has brought some of them back to Jerusalem.

What ho, Nehemiah! Any chance of one of your pick-me-ups?

This is the tale of Nehemiah, the cup-bearer of King Artaxerxes of Persia, who retrains as a builder (or maybe architect) in order to get Jerusalem rebuilt. Ezra turns up again later in the Book of Nehemiah, and he is now billed as a priest and scribe,

Our hero rebuilds the walls of Jerusalem.

In the above picture Nehemiah is presumably the one reading the plans, rather than the ones doing the actual building, but one can never be sure. Perhaps the other chaps are the sons of Hassenaah, who built the Fish Gate (see Chapter 3); or possibly Malchiah the son of Rechab who was told to repair the Dung Gate. It was a true poet who named these gates.

This is what Nehemiah has on his scroll.

Actually, talking of Gates, we have Bill and Melinda here today in our Bible class for the first time. Welcome, guys! No mention of Windows in this book, I'm afraid, but I suppose you'll enjoy Jeremiah when we get to it, with its For death is come up through our Windows. I wonder whether Jerry was thinking of you there?

Half way through the book, Ezra attends to the spiritual needs of the people (now that their deliveries of fish and dung have been sorted out), and after a bit of prayer and penance they once again promise to keep the Law.

A delivery of fish.

Nehemiah actually becomes the effective governor of Jerusalem; he later pops off back to Persia to do some more cup-bearing, before returning to find that the Jews have gone off the rails yet again. So he fixes that.

In next month's instalment we have a choice: we can follow the Protestant Bible and jump straight onto Esther (so to speak), or take the Catholic and Orthodox line, and include Tobit and Judith.

Tobit or not Tobit? That is the question.

We'll discuss Tobit next. Class dismissed.

I'm a Catholic and I'm O.K.

Here at last is the song that will offend Obama, Cameron, Hollande, Kenny, ... All of them. If you don't know the tune, you can find it here.

Oh, I'm a Catholic, and I'm okay,
I go to church and I like to pray.

The choir

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I genuflect,
I say the Rosary.
On Fridays I go shopping
And eat just fish for tea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he genuflects,
He says the Rosary.
On Fridays he goes shopping
And eats just fish for tea.

Probably a Catholic bird.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, confess my sins,
I feel that God is near.
I don't think that abortion
Is such a good idea.

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, confesses sins,
He feels that God is near.
He doesn't think abortion is such a good idea???
WHAT???

A nasty pro-life Catholic fiend. We hates them.

CHORUS: He's a Catholic, and he's okay,
He goes to church and he likes to pray.

I go to Mass, I shun divorce,
I'm definitely pro-life.
I don't think that two men can
Be called "husband and wife".

CHOIR: He goes to Mass, he shuns divorce
He's definitely pro-life??? How dare he?
He doesn't think two men can be called "husband and wife"???
Bigot! Lock him up!

Oh Bevis! And I always thought you were a Tablet Catholic!

Priests may still wear religious symbols in church

In a landmark decision, the European Court of Human Rights has ruled that priests will still be allowed to wear symbols of their faith in church, except when they are banned on Health and Safety grounds. On the other hand, priests will be forbidden from preaching any controversial religious doctrines, such as the existence of Good and Evil.

How many Health and Safety violations can you count?

In the picture above, several Health and Safety violations were noted. In future, the priest and servers will be required to wear flame-proof clothing if they wish to continue to use lighted candles in the church. It will also be necessary to have a fire extinguisher prominently displayed on the altar. Moreover, the crucifix at the east end of the church must be removed, in case it falls on someone.

Approved vestments for priests, in cases where incense levels are dangerously high.

Some people have argued that forcing a priest to wear a gas mask while preaching may make his words totally inaudible. This, however, is not normally considered to be a disadvantage. Holy Water is also banned on Health and Safety grounds, as it is known to cause severe burning to demons, devils and liberal Catholics.

Following the ECHR rulings, anyone now has the human right to object should the priest attempt to utter controversial religious doctrines, even in his own church. This includes vicious bullying statements such as "You know, marriage is really supposed to be between a man and a woman, not three men and an elephant" or "Alas, we don't have the facilities for conducting a special Mass for Catholics who like being handcuffed to the bed and slapped with wet fish."

On our way to Mass.

In a landmark piece of opportunism, David Cameron today said, "I am proud that our government has preserved the right of priests to wear religious symbols in church; this is what Conservatism is all about."

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12

1. And it came to pass that the fame of Richard spread abroad, even unto Sri Lanka, and there came wise men from the East who would name a fish after him.

The dawkins

2. And Richard was greatly pleased; for he said "My friend Anthony Grayling hath given his name unto a fish, and even my friend Stephen Fry hath given his name unto the young of the fish. Now my name will also live for evermore.

3. For from generation unto generation, men will enter into the shop that is called Harry Ramsden's, and say 'Dawkins and chips, please, darling.'"

Richard's main contribution to the study of fish

4. And the name of Dawkins became known throughout the fish-loving world; yeah, his words became as famous as the words of the philosopher Captain Haddock, he who once spake of the ten thousand thundering typhoons.

Captain Haddock reads of Richard's work on shellfish genes.

5. And now (finally) began the long spiritual journey of Richard, that which began with unbelief and ended with his being taken up to Heaven.

6. For Richard began to question his faith for the first time in his life. "Yeah," he said, "I am not an atheist, he who denieth God. I am an agnostic, he who hath not much of a clue about anything."

7. And he was told of the words of the philosopher Wittgenstein, he who said "If thou knowest not what thou talkest about, then shut up."

8. "But I cannot shut up," said Richard, "for I have many followers, who worship at the Dawkins foundation of reason and science. They cannot think for themselves, so where will they go if I allow my lips to cease their eternal motion?"

9. So Richard went to Cambridge, and visited the tomb of Wittgenstein. And lo! a sign was given unto him.

A chicken at Wittgenstein's grave

10. For there was a chicken at the tomb, and it spake unto Richard, saying "Cluck!"

11. And Richard, who had written a thesis on chicken behaviour, knew that this meant, "Be silent, O fool!" or possibly "May I offer you a worm?"

12. And Richard saw this sign and said in his heart, "Now I am confused indeed."

13. But lo! there now came into his life a wondrous book, which was set to confuse Richard even more.

What wisdom lies inside this wondrous book?

Continued in Chapter 14