New Auckland-rite vestments available

Following the lead of Bishop Stephen Lowe of Auckland, New Zealand, Gammarelli's outfitters has now agreed to stock the new "Snickers" vestments that are driving the Catholic world wild.

Bishop Lowe models the new vestments.

Apparently, the "Snickers" liturgy is as orthodox as Pachamama, it being a Polynesian custom for clergy to wear chocolate bars round their necks when offering the Mass (or "Mars" as they pronounce it). Depending on the liturgical season, the Snickers may also be replaced by Bounty bars, Kit-Kats, Milky Way, Toblerone, etc.

Poor Hoho, the greatest theologian of our age, has given his approval, pointing out that the new liturgy helps to implement Pope Francis's Traditional Custardpie.

Moreover, Cardinal Roche has also declared himself very enthusiastic about the new vestments, and has personally ordered a dozen Snickers necklaces ("and don't bother about the chasuble"). Mike Lewis of Where Pacha Is has also given his imprimatur, although regular readers of this blog will know that he normally prefers sausages.

On the other hand, this has been a good week for the Trads, with the announcement that this year's hard-right fascist Chartres pilgrimage has drawn a record attendance, and is now closed to further pilgrims. It is not known whether any of the devout will be wearing Snickers bars around their necks although the event is something of a marathon.

Pope Francis is "delighted" to hear the news of Chartres.

Pope Francis upset by "More tea, vicar?"

It has been reported that the 2020 Pontifical Yearbook, the Holy See's annual directory, has dropped the title of "Vicar of Christ" from its description of Jorge Mario Bergoglio, relegating it to a footnote - and we know from Amoris Laetitia that nobody trusts footnotes - as a "historical title".

More tea, vicar?

Francis has similarly lost some of his other titles:

* Boss-man of the Catholic Church;
* Mr Infallible;
* Grandmaster of the art of Papa-Slappa;
* The Big Cheese;
* Holiest Man in the World;
* Bouncer Bergoglio (from his days in Argentina);
* The Fat Controller;
* Mr Sunshine;
* Big Frank;
* Mother Nature's Favourite Son;
* Humblest Man in the Vatican 2013-2020;
* Santo Subito. 

It is said that Francis didn't like to be called "Vicar of Christ", as it sounded too much like "Vicar of Christchurch", which would make him an Anglican clergyman from New Zealand (or possibly Dorset), subsisting largely on cups of tea from grateful parishioners. However, it has always been a definite solecism to ask the Pope, "More tea, vicar?"

Choir Practice at St Ngaio's, Christchurch.

Just as it is bad manners to refer to someone by a pronoun xe doesn't want (Xe will be very offended), it is wrong to mis-title the Holy Father, Pope Francis, Deputy God (are we still allowed to use these titles?) So no more tactless references to "Christ" - they confuse him.