Conversion of St Donald not universally popular

Syria, 35 AD.

Many Christians have welcomed the recent conversion of Donald of Tarsus, who recently "saw the light" on the Damascus March for Life. Not previously seen as a major religious figure, Donald is now expected to be a play a significant part in the development of the Church.

"I heard a mighty beating drum, and knew that it was evil."

We asked St Donald whether he would be expressing his teachings in a selection of epistles, which might later be collected for publication. Apparently, he tends to communicate in shorter theological documents called "tweets", and the plan is to number them and arrange them as verses. The first collection will be called the First Epistle to the Democratians.

Donald's previous life has of course not been irreproachable. There was a stoning incident, known as STEPHENGATE, in which he is said to have been involved - so much so that he was even impeached for this. Still, there is more joy in Heaven over one sinner that repenteth than in 99 Tablet readers who need no repentance, as someone once said.

A very senior churchman, St Philip, has welcomed Donald's participation in the March for Life, and this seems to be the officially correct attitude to take. However, Tina Beata, the Holy Land's expert on Human Flourishing, disagrees.

Oops! St Donald (also known as The President) made the mistake of not being female.

Churches to say "Alabama" rather than "Alleluia"

In this Easter season, it is common to hear interjections of "Alleluia" into prayers, hymns, and greetings. Of course, this can be taken too far, as in "After the Alleluia service there is Alleluia coffee served in the Alleluia Cardinal Danneels memorial Hall. Alleluia!" However, to celebrate the new Alabama abortion law, all Catholic churches have been asked to use the alternative liturgy "Alabama!" this weekend.

All churches will be flying this flag.

This is expected to cause particular irritation to the anti-life types, and if you meet Senator Joe Biden in church (unlikely) and say "Peace be with you, Alabama!" don't be surprised if he kicks you in the shins. Still, the decree should not be surprising when we see the great commitment to pro-life issues by our bishops (for example, in the March For Life UK, there weren't actually any English bishops present - it was far too far for Vincent Nichols to travel - but we did see Bishop John Keenan of Paisley).

The Holy and the (Kay) Ivey. Even Baptists feel squeamish about mass murder!

So, on to Handel's "Alabama Chorus" from "Messiah":

A-la-ba-ma! A-la-ba-ma! Alabama! Alabama! A-la-a-bama! etc. etc.

and Paul Inwood's equally celebrated version:

Ala-bama Ch Ch, Ala-bama Ch Ch! Ala-bama Ch Ch, Ala-bama Ch Ch!

You know, I don't think God would mind us dropping a few Alleluias for a week or two, if it also meant that a few million lives were saved. But what do I know?

Addendum I: Of course there's always some stupid commentator who likes to [rude word mening "urinate"] on other people's parties, and Fr James Martin LGBTSJ 666 and "supertroll" Austen Ivereigh did not let us down. But you guessed that would happen, didn't you?

Addendum II: Could this be start of the 2nd American Civil War? Free states versus killer states? I hope not. Can the killers be crushed peacefully?