Conversion of St Donald not universally popular

Syria, 35 AD.

Many Christians have welcomed the recent conversion of Donald of Tarsus, who recently "saw the light" on the Damascus March for Life. Not previously seen as a major religious figure, Donald is now expected to be a play a significant part in the development of the Church.

"I heard a mighty beating drum, and knew that it was evil."

We asked St Donald whether he would be expressing his teachings in a selection of epistles, which might later be collected for publication. Apparently, he tends to communicate in shorter theological documents called "tweets", and the plan is to number them and arrange them as verses. The first collection will be called the First Epistle to the Democratians.

Donald's previous life has of course not been irreproachable. There was a stoning incident, known as STEPHENGATE, in which he is said to have been involved - so much so that he was even impeached for this. Still, there is more joy in Heaven over one sinner that repenteth than in 99 Tablet readers who need no repentance, as someone once said.

A very senior churchman, St Philip, has welcomed Donald's participation in the March for Life, and this seems to be the officially correct attitude to take. However, Tina Beata, the Holy Land's expert on Human Flourishing, disagrees.

Oops! St Donald (also known as The President) made the mistake of not being female.

English bishops comment after trip to Rome

After their ad limina visit to Rome, the Catholic bishops of England and Wales today accused the Vatican of twisting their words, having discovered that a totally implausible statement had been issued in their name. This is generally agreed to be the highlight:

As we spoke with Pope Francis we realised, more and more, that he simply radiates this joy and peace. He is indeed gifted with a unique grace of the Holy Spirit of God.

Even in this time of turmoil, the Holy Father is so clearly rooted in God and blessed by God. His peace is secure. His life is serene. We know, because he showed us his heart. It is the heart of a loving father.

Don't mention the Dubia! Or the Order of Malta. Or China. Or McCarrick.

It is suspected that someone such as Cardinal Baldisseri got to the original statement. This was far less effusive, and said:

We had a lovely time in Rome, and Pope Francis served us some delicious tea and Eccles cakes. We talked to him, and he listened. Then he talked to us about something totally different.

We realised, more and more, that Pope Francis is a tall man, although rather overweight. He has been gifted with the papacy by the St Gallen Mafia, and we appreciate his authority.

In this time of turmoil, Pope Francis radiates serenity. Nothing can trouble him. Anyone who attempts to trouble him is promptly shown the door. We know, because he showed us one of Cardinal Burke's kidneys - he keeps it in the freezer.

Bishops in the bus. Ad orientem or versus populum, My Lord?

Bishop Philip Egan, along with Mark Davies, is generally considered to be one of the more saved of English bishops - a sort of anti-Nichols - but even he could not resist joining in the fun.

The meeting with the Holy Father was remarkable - 2 and half hours!! It was Q&A. He spoke as a pastor and a father, full of wisdom, and many of us asked him questions.

Yet again, we have managed to locate the original statement, before the bishop's Twitter feed was hacked.

We asked the Holy Father many questions, although he explained that there was no time in which to answer them. In fact Pope Francis is a busy man, fully occupied in plans for world domination, developing heresy through new synods, and a new "seek and destroy" accompaniment for Archbishop Viganò. He certainly has no idea who Cardinal McCarrick is.

We also met Fr Spadaro, and, although many people say he spends all his time underground, living on fish and looking for his "precious", the smell is hardly noticeable. Or maybe I have a cold.

The Pope's most trusted adviser, along with Austen Ivoryhead the dwarf.

Whom do we obey, the bishop or the pope?

Bishop Philip Egan of Portsmouth, generally agreed to be one of the truly saved English bishops, has raised an interesting question, the title of this post.

The bishop's dilemma.

For Catholics at least, the generally recognised hierarchy is

YOU < PRIEST < BISHOP < POPE < GOD.

"God" here means the Trinity - Father, Son and Holy Spirit, with an optional Spirit of Vatican II joining Them - and "Pope" here is also a trinity (jolly Frank, grumpy Bergoglio, and the rarely-observed wise Francis). Moreover, for some people, POPE = GOD.

Now comes the dilemma: for the people of Portsmouth we may fairly say that the Bishop is the chap to obey, more than the Pope is. For the people of Malta, the bishops are... well, never mind, but nobody in their right mind should listen to them.

Not everyone is satisfied with the Pope.

The poster above shows that even obeying the Pope can be problematical. Our Italian is not good, but it seems to say "You is not saved, only we is saved." This is of course the recognised way of submitting complaints (Latin, "Dubia") to the Pope.

If thy priest offend thee, then of course thou shouldst stick posters of him all round the town.

FATHER ARTHUR, YOU ARE A COMPLETE MORON! HANDS OFF THE SOVEREIGN MOTHERS AND TODDLERS GROUP! GET THOSE GUITARS OUT OF MASS! STOP BORING US WITH HOMILIES ABOUT YOUR HOLIDAY IN BOURNEMOUTH! WHERE IS YOUR MERCY?

Finally, some people will take complaints to the highest level...

GOD, THE WEATHER IS SO LOUSY AND I AM IN A BORING JOB AND NOBODY LIKES ME AND I DON'T LIKE YOUR TEACHING ON ADULTERY AND THAT MAN BURKE IS DRIVING ME NUTS. WHERE IS YOUR OMNIPOTENCE? LOVE, FRANCIS.

Lunatic targeted in vicious online campaign

Sister Judy Piranha writes:

Co-eee, Eccles!? Ever since I signed my name to that letter to the Polish bishops, I have been vilified, insulted, and MOCKED!? Me, sister Judy Piranha of the Catholic Nuns for Naughtiness!!?? Called a "silly old trout" and "loopy old bat"!!?? And all because I joined in Tina Beattie's campaign to EDUCATE the Polish bishops in the CATHOLIC approach to abortion!!??

Sister Judy - the voice of Catholic youth!

Apparently, Tina Beattie is a great FAN of the Eccles blog, and this is how she heard about me!!?? So together with some of my SAINTLY sisters, I was invited to sign that famous letter!!?? Sister Beyoncé and Sister Gaga agreed without hesitation, and eventually Sister Madonna and Sister Elton John also joined in the fun!!??

The basis of Catholic teaching on abortion, is that babies have RIGHTS too!!?? They have the right to be aborted!! Of course, they're too YOUNG to decide for themselves, so we let the mothers decide!!

Like my friend Tina, I was very CROSS at the reaction to our letter!!?? Some people criticised my appointment as Distinguished Catholic GUEST LECTURER at Roehampton (subject: Enrich your Catholic Life with Nude Circle Dancing!!), my position as theological adviser to the Catholic Charity CAPHOD BEEBLEBROX, and my role as the BBC's "tame Catholic" whenever Ed Stourton needs someone from Catholic Vices to put forward an authentic CATHOLIC viewpoint!!?? Well!?!?

They're burning the Tablet in protest!!??

Also, Vincent Nichols preached a really NASTY sermon saying that abortion destroys an innocent human life??!! However, he only called us "ghastly Hell-cats" six times, so we know he's on our side really - Tina said so!! As for the other bishops, well at least +Arnold is a great fan, and has installed a Tina Beattie stained-glass window in Salford Cathedral!!?? Admittedly, we DON'T expect much support from +Egan and +Davies!!??

Enough is enough, that's what I say!!?? And the Polish bishops haven't even replied to our letter!!?? Don't they want to know what authentic Catholic teaching looks like!!??

"That's agreed, then. I'll call them 'demonically-possessed old biddies' and you call them 'fiends from Gehenna'."

Relics of Diarmuid Martin go on display

Bishop Philip Egan of Portsmouth has confirmed that the relics which arrived at Southampton today pertain to Archbishop Diarmuid Martin of Dublin, and not, after all, to Blessed Louis and Zélie Martin, the parents of St Thérèse of Lisieux. Apparently, this was a "replacement item", delivered when the real relics were out of stock.

Archbishop Martin - his relics were delivered by mistake.

It is normally considered "bad form" to open the box and see what the relics actually consist of, but in this case an exception was made and it was discovered that what had been delivered was the lost backbone of Archbishop Martin. This was reported missing earlier today, when the good archbishop declared that, although he himself would vote against same-sex "marriage", he had no wish to stuff his religious views down other people’s throats. After all, it's not an archbishop's job to give moral leadership and guidance (ask Vincent Nichols!)

Bishop Egan has declared himself dissatisfied with the replacement item, feeling that the archbishop's spine is unlikely to be truly an object of veneration, nor indeed capable of working minor miracles.

Not a very sacred relic.

Meanwhile, other prominent Irish Catholics have entered the "same-sex marriage" debate, including the silenced Red Emptyhead, Tony Flummery. Faithful to the Vatican's command Pone soccum in eo, O Antoni ("put a sock in it, Tony"), Fr Flummery has maintained a dignified silence, talking only to the trees and his pet rat, O'Connor. However, lacking any concrete guidance from Archbishop Martin, a man whom he deeply reveres, it seems that Fr Flannery will probably vote "yes" in accordance with Enda Kenny's wishes.

"Another text from Satan. What can he want now?"

The confessions of Isobel Brownlie.

Finally, in Northern Ireland, a related issue is the great "gay cake " scandal, in which Judge Isobel "hash" Brownlie came up with a remarkable verdict. Apparently, the Christian-owned Asher's Bakery was obliged to bake a cake which simultaneously infringed the Sesame Street copyright on the puppets Bert and Ernie, promoted a political slogan demanding (illegal) same-sex marriage, and went against their own consciences. A triple whammy, there. Later, Isobel Brownlie was said to have had second thoughts - well, first thoughts, actually - about her verdict and despairingly echoed Pope Francis in saying "Who am I to judge?" Many readers of this blog will also ask themselves "Who is this idiot to judge?"

Judge Isobel Brownlie (or the nearest equivalent I could find).

Is your bishop saved?

So 450 (saved) Catholic priests have written a letter to the Catholic Herald, saying, in effect, that they are OK with Christian teaching and don't want to change it. However, there are reports that some senior churchmen have been applying pressure against signing the letter; moreover, the notoriously publicity-shy Cardinal Nichols has rebuked them for communicating with the press, issuing them with a supply of bushels, under which they are instructed to hide their lights.

A quick calculation using my fingers and toes suggests that, if invited, three bishops would definitely have signed the letter, or at most five. The rest... oh dear. As a now-forgotten journalist called Damian Thompson once put it, "The Magic Circle".

This is what a saved bishop looks like (Philip Egan).

It is time for a scientific analysis of our bishops, to decide whether they are saved or not. From Easter I shall keep an informal record of mentions of bishops (or at least the ones I notice) to see whether their actions are those of a saved or unsaved person. So Mgr Egan scored very well this week with his comments on abortion (against), same-sex marriage (against) and family life (for). He probably gets bonus points for upsetting Conor Burns MP.

Of course, some bishops are hardly ever in the news. For example, we have never had occasion to mention Bishop Drainey of Middlesbrough on this blog. Indeed, I suspect that unless you live in the Diocese of Middlesbrough you may not have heard of him (and possibly not even then).

Terence Drainey. Nice chasuble, but saved status unknown.

How about an unsaved bishop? Well, to take a hypothetical example, suppose that a bishop stopped one of his deacons from writing a totally orthodox Catholic blog, and gave a misleading account of the whole affair? Would he not be in a state of sin (and unsaved) until he repented and that deacon's gagging was ended? No matter how many worthy deeds he did in the mean time?

Ugh. Let's have another saved bishop.

Another saved bishop (Mark Davies).

So how can a bishop score points? Positive things are easy, but unfortunately rather rare: defend Catholic teaching, especially when it is attacked by MPs who really belong in the Goon Show; ban the Tablet; refuse to allow Timothy Radcliffe or Tina Beattie to speak on church property in your diocese; stick up for people who want traditional forms of worship; set up a fifty-mile-radius exclusion zone in which Paul Inwood's music is banned; you know, do all the things they taught you to do at bishop-school.

Negative things? Prevaricate about Catholic teaching; bully your clergy if they show signs of orthodoxy; encourage the Tablet; join in dodgy ecumenical services with Muslims and Hindus; invite dissident speakers; cosy up to ACTA... well of course none of the bishops would ever do such a thing.

Eccles (L) watches a very senior bishop to see whether he is saved.

Naturally, other countries have unsaved bishops too. There are distressing accounts of Bishop Bootkoski of New Jersey giving the bootkoski to Patricia Jannuzzi, a teacher in a Catholic school who defended traditional marriage. Well done, bishop: Cardinal Dolan, the Grandmaster of the St Patrick's Day Gay Pride Parade, would be proud of you.

"Show her the door, 44!" Bootcatholic calls out the Bingo numbers.

How do saved persons vote?

In the UK, we are in the grip of election fever, and many of my readers are struggling to decide which party or parties to vote for. When you see the policies now considered acceptable by almost all parties: abortion, euthanasia, assisted suicide, same-sex marriage, sending children up chimneys, recapturing Calais, exporting all British ducks to Mars, taxing custard, making it compulsory to recycle all used socks, independence for Scunthorpe, free orange juice for Damian Thompson, locking up all bald people, exiling Stephen Fry to Fiji, ... you realise that nobody has any policies that a saved person could support. Except perhaps the one about Stephen Fry.

This is how a saint votes. Note the expression of distaste.

The main question at present seems to be "Do I listen to Bishop Kenney, who says that UKIP is unsaved, or do I listen to Bishop Egan, who reckons that practically every politician is unsaved?" At a more basic level, is the European Union the New Jerusalem prophesied in the Book of Revelation, or is it the new Babylon, to be consumed by fire? I don't know: perhaps it's somewhere in between the two.

"Roger Helmer says he can beat up the two of us single-handed."

We come now to the question of Romanians: are they saved? For some reason, these have been singled out by some as the worst Europeans to have as your neighbours. Here, however, I have some personal experience.

Our new next-door neighbour.

Recently, a Romanian nobleman, the Earl of Dracula, moved in next door to us. He's basically a very quiet person, and apparently works nights. Indeed, I never see him in the day time, although occasionally he drops round in the evening and asks to borrow a cup of blood

Apparently, our neighbour supports the Romanian Independence Party.

Basically, he's a model neighbour and I don't see what all the fuss is about. I've got other problems: my Brother Bosco, who has a habit of saying "Bite Me!" whenever he loses an argument (which is most of the time), seems to have gone missing. I do hope he hasn't been annoying the Earl of Dracula.

Finally, to answer the question raised in this post: go to the polling-booth, write "unsaved" against the name of every candidate standing, and write "only I is saved" at the bottom of the ballot-paper.

No other course of action is possible. Indeed, if you look carefully at the photo of Padre Pio, you can see that he did precisely that.

You must be Joe King

It has been reported that Mr Justice King (real name not Joe, but Tim) has upheld the sacking of science teacher Robert Haye by Deptford Green School after he told children that homosexual activity was disgusting and a sin, according to the Bible.

A Bible - don't tell kids what's in it, eh, Joe?

It is surprising that Mr King has a particular antipathy to the Bible, as it contains various other passages which show him in an undeservedly favourable light, such as:

Be wise now therefore, O ye kings: be instructed, ye judges of the earth. Psalm 2:10.

A king that sitteth in the throne of judgment scattereth away all evil with his eyes. Proverbs 20:8.

Mr Justice King scattereth away all evil with his eyes.

But perhaps the good judge is more worried that the following verse may become well known:

They are all hot as an oven, and have devoured their judges; all their kings are fallen: there is none among them that calleth unto me. Hosea 7:7.

A fallen king, having been kneed in the groin by a bishop (probably Philip Egan).

Although Mr Haye is perfectly correct in pointing out that homosexual acts are regarded in a somewhat dim light by the Bible, he is on dodgier ground when he says "anyone who worships on Sunday is basically worshipping the Devil." So, if you wish to worship the Devil, Mr King, it's the second Wednesday in the month only (coffee is available after the service).

Devil worship (er, basically, that is).

We must not leave without mentioning one of Joe King's finest moments as a lawyer (apart from this one, of course). It seems that in 2006 he happily defended BNP leader Nick Griffin on charges of inciting racial hatred. Admittedly, in their pursuit of money, lawyers are often expected to defend people whose views they don't agree with. I couldn't find an acceptable photo of Nick Griffin, so here is the next best thing.

The acceptable face of griffinhood.

It has not yet been determined in a court of law whether it is acceptable for schoolteachers to tell their classes that Mr Justice King is a complete idiot. Perhaps they will be able to work it out for themselves.

"Cameron's Pope" exonerated

David Cameron and Pope Benedict XVI. Were they really friends?

The Guardian, February 9th 2113.

The author of a new book, The Pope's Catholics, has found evidence that Pope Benedict XVI, long vilified as "Cameron's Pope," was in fact a good friend of those who were persecuted by the evil dictator during his rule between 2010 and 2015.

In his new book, Gordon Thomas explains that during the persecution of the Catholic church in the early part of the 21st century, Benedict XVI did not stand idly by, but actually attempted to defend Catholic doctrine.

Many Christians, and Catholics in particular, were dismayed when in 2014 Cameron brought in an "Equal Marriage" law, reducing the age of consent to 6, and allowing marital unions to involve all organisms, regardless of sex and species, provided that at least one human was involved. Although he had earlier given an assurance that this was not his intention, "the world had moved on," and earlier promises were no longer valid.

A happy bride, "hoping to have kids."

For Anglicans and Catholics, Cameron had given an "octuple lock" guarantee that they would not be forced to conduct such wedding ceremonies in church. This of course meant that it very soon became obligatory. When the "Bigotry Act" of 2014 was introduced, many priests were forced to go into hiding.

Of course, some quasi-religious people were delighted: Giles Fraser, the journalist and part-time vicar, had said "I am prepared to be boiled in oil, and have my toenails pulled out, but it won't stop me marrying three men and an elephant, if I am asked to."

A wedding party, on its way to St Mary's, Newington.

But what was Pope Benedict XVI doing while all these changes were being made? Well, unlike some of his bishops and clergy, and totally unlike some nominally-Catholic MPs, he did in fact speak up in defence of traditional marriage; indeed, he provided shelter for many persecuted priests who rebelled against the new laws. In particular Benedict promoted to cardinal the man who later became his own successor on the throne of St Peter, preferring him to the obvious candidate ("Vin Rouge" or "Red Vin"), whose moral leadership he considered to be very weak.

Philip Egan (later, Pope Pius XIII).

The Westminster Iron Tonic

After drinking Westminster Iron Tonic, I became an Olympic cyclist.

Are you a pathetic "Magic Circle" bishop, unwilling to take a stance on any issue at all? Do Telegraph journalists kick sand in your face? Are you fêted by the Tablet as someone who will never do anything to shake the liberal consensus?

TAKE WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC!

A spoonful of this daily, and you'll soon be noticed!

A satisfied customer, VN of London, writes:

I was a puny seven-stone archbishop, upon whom everyone looked down with scorn. They praised my macho friends Philip Egan and Mark Davies, while saying that I lacked backbone. But then my life changed...

The day I beat "mad dog" Williams in the archiepiscopal arm-wrestling championships.

My friend Tony Mennini told me to take a spoonful a day of Westminster Iron Tonic. I did so, and felt the iron rush through my bloodstream - yes, I had ferrous-crazed blood! In next to no time I had:

• Told David Cameron to get lost with his same-sex marriage proposals;
• Fought with a pack of rabid dogs;
• Kicked the gay masses out of Warwick Street, Soho;
• Bitten through an iron bar with my teeth;
• Welcomed the Ordinariate into a new church;
• Said "make my day, punk!" to Catherine Pepinster;
• Become the darling of traditional Catholics;
• Received a friendly telephone call from the Pope, promising me something red for my birthday.

I now train daily at the Olympic stadium.

WESTMINSTER IRON TONIC - YOU'LL BE A CARDINAL IN NO TIME!

An audience with Paul Inwood

Having read the startling comment from Paul Inwood, the Prostecnic Vogon Jeltz of Catholic worship, claiming that Pope Benedict - a mere novice in these matters - had made an incorrect statement about liturgy, I hurried down to Portsmouth for an audience with the great man.

Pope Paul VII.

The palace of Pope Paul VII is truly magnificent, as one would expect from a man of his distinction and importance (he told me). I entered and knelt before "the man who put the 'litter' in 'liturgy.'" Paul was sitting on a golden throne, and he graciously allowed me to kiss his ring. In one corner of the room, there stood a choir of mystic monks, intoning a solemn and dignified Gregorian chant. This surprised me, as I had been expecting a choir to be singing "Alleluia Ch-Ch" in one-part harmony, but it was later explained to me by an aide that "round here, Inwoodian chant is business, Gregorian is pleasure."

Hell - one place where you are sure to hear Paul Inwood's music.

So I asked the man they call the Head of the Caterwaul Church about his relations with his great rival in Rome. "Benedict is fundamentally a good man," he said, "although of course he is not an educated man like what I is, and he does not have access to an army of advisers as I do. No wonder he made the blunder of denying that Pope Paul VI had abrogated the EF Mass. Benedict evidently hadn't read the Encyclical De Musica Vulgarissima in which it was specifically asked that all content be removed from the liturgy, and that henceforth we should sing jolly songs involving finger-snaps and animal noises."

A modern congregation appreciates the music of Paul Inwood.

Knowing that Paul Inwood's pronouncements are generally believed to be infallible, I decided that here was a case of Pompeius locutus est, causa finita est.

"So how are you getting on with the new Bishop of Portsmouth, Philip Egan?" I asked. "I hear that he's something of a traditionalist."

"We get on very well," said his Howler-ness. "He is very concerned that I may be tired through overwork. The Bishop sends me all sorts of interesting literature about retirement schemes, and he suggests that a holiday home in Beirut would suit me down to the ground. It's good to be appreciated."

Before I left the holy presence, I persuaded Pope Paul VII to give me his blessing. "Bless you, bless you, bless you, Ch-Ch-Ch! Snap-Snap! Here a Moo, there a Moo, everywhere a Moo-Moo," he sang, making me feel at one with the beasts of the field with these simple but well-chosen words. Yes, I had been in the presence of a great man, or at least, "a man who grates."

Where ever you go, the music of Paul Inwood is to be heard