Cardinal Pell accused of witchcraft

See also The Crimes of Cardinal Pell and the Case against Cardinal Pell.

Following the conviction of Cardinal Pell on the basis of totally unbelievable testimony, the Victorian Kangaroo Court of Appeal has confirmed the verdict by a majority of 2 to 1; that is, Anne Ferguson and Chris Maxwell believed him guilty "beyond all reasonable doubt", while Mark Weinberg disagreed, writing a mere 200 pages expressing one or two reasonable doubts.

Spot the man with the functioning brain (R)

The arguments of Ferguson and Maxwell, if accepted, actually imply that Cardinal Pell was guilty of practising witchcraft, or possibly miracles (useful when his cause for canonization comes up).

* Your Eminence, you are accused of bilocation, in that your corporal body was standing outside the cathedral talking to dozens of people, at the same time as it was in the sacristy.

* Cardinal Pell, you are accused of bewitching your vestments, so that you could expose yourself under several layers of heavy clothing, while at the same time attacking your victim.

* Pell, you must have been aided by demons, as the above could only have been managed by someone with four hands.

* Pell, you rotter, you cast a forgetfulness spell, so that the victim did not remember anything of the event until 20 years later, and could not even remember when the events happened, and thereby made it impossible for you to call witnesses to prove that nothing happened.

A key witness against Cardinal Pell. Oh, sorry, there weren't any.

* Pell, you complete and utter swine, your real offence is that you are a Catholic, and speak out against same-sex marriage and abortion, which are the pillars of Australian society.

* Pell, you will be damned eternally, because you noticed that the Vatican Bank had been up to some extremely dodgy transactions. Don't expect Pope Francis to help you, therefore!

With all this in mind, we indict Pell on charges of witchcraft, and sentence him to be burnt at the stake.

And this is the reasoned verdict of us, Mad Annie and Bonkers Chris. WEINBERG, WILL YOU SHUT UP?

Phew, Annie, I think we got away with it. Fancy a few tinnies to celebrate?

The "Pope Francis is wonderful" conference

After a rather grim week caused by news of Ealing, Alfie Evans, Syria, etc. it was a great pleasure to be invited to the "Pope Francis is wonderful, humble, merciful, loving, handsome, brilliant and holy" conference at Villanova.

With Registration priced at $225, the same amount that Jesus charged people to listen to the Sermon on the Mount, and the Conference Banquet at $75, the figure He charged the 5,000 for their sushi con ciabatta banquet, it was a bargain within reach of the poorest in our society.

Massimo "Beans" Faggioli welcomes you to a feast of spiritual nourishment.

Some of the highlights were:

* Cardinal Tobin wishing everyone "Nighty-night baby!"
* Fr Antonio Spadaro doing tricks of arithmetic to prove that 2+2=5.
* Cardinal Maradiaga explaining that the money was just resting in his account.
* Faggioli himself telling us that the promoters of the Old Mass have theological views that are not Catholic any more.

Spadaro explains that when we say "His Holiness" we don't mean that he is holy.

The highlight of the conference was surely the speech of Fr Spadaro, for a blizzard of soundbites from it was tweeted by Ivereigh and Faggioli, to the delight of everyone with a sense of humour. Before drowning the reader in spiritual nourishment, let's have another photo.

After-dinner Cabaret. Austen Ivereigh and Joe Tobin entertain us.

Fr Spadaro is known worldwide as a brilliant mathematician, and this has helped him to master physics as well. So we were treated to the following words of wisdom.

Who says that Catholics don't have a grasp of science?

Personally, I was surprised not to see a few rigid Catholics there. Where were Sarah and Burke? No Zuhlsdorf? Fra' Matthew Festing? How about Marcantonio Colonna? Surely he is now rich enough to afford the $225? But no, they all stayed away. It's almost as if they didn't want to celebrate the fact that Pope Francis is wonderful, humble, merciful, loving, handsome, brilliant and holy.

Non-rigid modernist Catholics (could that be Joe Tobin's much-loved sister?)

Anyway, this blog is for spiritual nourishment, not for photos of celebrities, so let us have one final piece of wisdom from Spadaro, who - it must be remembered - is not only an expert on science, but also a deeply spiritual figure.

Translation: "Why does everyone think my Gaudete et Exsultate is a turkey?"

The Catholics sign a peace treaty

We are very pleased to announce that the warring factions in the Catholic Church (basically the traditionalist/orthodox group and the liberal/modernist wing) have agreed to settle their differences, and sign a peace treaty. This will allow more time for smiting the Protestants, who have been getting off far too lightly recently.

Pope Francis SJ agrees to answer the five Dubia raised by his dear friends Raymond Burke, Walter Brandmüller, and the two more who were casualties in the Great Catholic Wars. He also agrees to stop insulting other Catholics, to keep his mouth shut on aeroplane trips, and to learn Latin once and for all.

Argentina, 1991. Fr Bergoglio meets his hero Austen Ivereigh.

Fr James Martin SJ has agreed to stop trolling the Catholic world with lunatic remarks about homosexual marriage being the only moral lifestyle, the Holy Spirit being female, and Mary Magdalene being the first Pope. He will be allowed to continue selling his book about building bridges, although it will be re-catalogued as "Catholic Comedy".

No more sniping at Cardinal Marx and his abandonment of Catholicism!

Bishop McElroy of San Diego will apologise for describing his fellow-Catholics as a "cancer", and promise never again to write articles for America while under the influence of Rosica (made with gin, hair restorer and anti-freeze).

No more jokes about Massimo Faggioli being "Mr Bean"!

Father Thomas Reese's plan, that updates to the liturgy, the catechism and the Bible should be installed automatically, and probably overnight when nobody's looking, will be abandoned. They would require a total reboot of the Catholic^TM operating system, and probably introduce infection by the Jesuit virus.

No more cruel pictures of Fr Martin and Fr Rosica!

Amoris Laetitia will not be withdrawn, but it will become an excommunicable offence ever to refer to it again, either favourably or unfavourably. Admittedly we shall lose all the spiritually nourishing bits about how good it is for married life if the wife cuts the lawn and the husband does the laundry, but these can probably be found in the Sunday newspapers' "Lifestyle" columns.

All today's pictures featured comedians, so, for a change, here's Colbert doing Catholic stuff.

Next week: Tina Beattie, Father John Zuhlsdorf, Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Cardinal Cupich agree: "We all believe the same things really!"