New synodal treatment for Pope Francis

Catholics are becoming tired of seeing bulletins about Pope Francis's health that say:

He's a Pontifex and he's OK. He sleeps all night and he works all day,

and have become more impatient to see Pope Francis leap from his sick bed, create newer and weirder cardinals, write new motu proprios about climate change, and generally do popish things. Accordingly, it has been announced that from now on the Holy Father's medical treatment will be Synodal. No more "magisterial" doctrines doctors, just unqualified activists sitting round tables discussing his medication.

Two aspirins or a heart transplant? You decide!

Said Dr Austen Ivereigh, a well-known expert in synodality, "The patient should naturally be one of the main athletes and standard-bearers of synodality, and it seems to me that the best cure for his illness is a kenotic de-centering followed by enlarging the space of his tent."

He went on to say how much he hated "traddy" doctors. He wasn't exactly sure what a traditional rigid doctor did, but he believed that his remedies involved leeches, powdered animal bones, and trepanning. "You don't expect me to attend a traditional surgery to find out, do you?"

Two doctors discuss possible treatments.

The Pope's proposed regime will include a daily dose of Amorislaetitia elixir, some Pachamama injections, and as many Traditioniscustodes tablets as he needs. That way there is little prospect of his becoming rigid, or even turning into a Christian bat preferring the shadows to the light.

ADDENDUM:

The treatment is working! Within a few hours of my writing the above, we see that Pope Francis is on the mend!

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AND NOW IN OTHER NEWS:

"He hates Trump and Vance, so he must be good."

Meanwhile, the entire Catholic world is delighted that Cardinal Robert McElroy has been installed as Archbishop of Washington. He comes from a long line of distinguished archbishops, including Wilton Gregory, Donald Wuerl, and - best of all - Theodore McCarrick. Between them, they have made Washington the sex abuse capital of Catholic America - whether by participating (Ted), covering up (Don), ignoring (Wilt), and - well Bob assures me that he has never met Uncle Ted, so his hands are clean so far.

"He said he'd never met McCarrick!"

Could Bob be the next pope?

Francis "shocked" to discover that China is ruled by baddies

The Vatican-China deal (arranged by that wily oriental Pa-Ro Lin) is now in tatters, after the Chinese went ahead and appointed two new cardinals, Ro-Chee and Mac-El Roy, without any consultation.

"I am shocked, SHOCKED, you hear, to discover that China, which we had assumed was as benevolently run as the Vatican, is in fact run by a brutal dictator who persecutes the Traditional Latin Mass" said the Holy Father today.

Cardinal Czerny (moustached) tells Pa-Ro Lin that he is SHOCKED.

"If only someone had warned me that President Xi was not to be trusted!" said Pope Francis. "Surely we have some of our own clerics over there who are not members of the Chinese Secret Police? Couldn't one of them have taken the trouble to come to Rome to warn me that things were not going too well over there?"

There's even a rumour that some cardinal I've never heard of has been arrested and put on trial for alleged financial misdeeds. Cardinal Becciu tells me he is SHOCKED as well."

No sign of any Chinese cardinals in Rome!

Still, all is not lost. Pope Francis has asked one of his synod "experts", the wily little oriental I-va Ree (you've done that joke already) to go to China and "sort them out". I-va Ree already has a China-style suit, whch he wears when he wants people to take him seriously (not much luck there!) so he should fit in well.

"What the Chinese need is more synods!" says I-va Ree.

The eight worst cardinals

The second World Cup of Bad Cardinals has reached the quarter-final knockout stage, and we have the following contests to look forward to.

Roche v Gregory, McElroy v Cupich, Marx v Parolin, and Maradiaga v Coccopalmerio.

Comparing this with the first World Cup, we have promising newcomers Roche, Gregory and McElroy, displacing Kasper (mostly retired from heresy these days), Danneels (dead) and Tobin (nighty, nighty, Joe!). The other five are old lags, and it will be interesting to see how they cope against the new boys.

Results to be posted here as we get them.

Arthur Roche 69.0 v Wilton Gregory 31.0.

Wilt has been as onboxious as possible recently, but Arthur is clearly a class act too. The English supporters are already crying "The trophy's coming home!"

Uncle Arthur, hater of the TLM, lover of cake.

Uncle Wilt, another hater of the TLM, lover of Biden.

Robert McElroy 16.2 v Blase Cupich 83.8.

Rob is a promising newcomer (definitely the sort of person we expect to see Francis appoint as a cardinal), but the current champion, Soapy Sue, wipes the floor with him.

"Why do they talk about my covering up of abuse, and not of my Judo skills?"

Our current champion ticks all the boxes: LGBT rights, suppression of the TLM, etc. etc.

Reinhard Marx 67.3 v Pietro Parolin 32.7.

Silver medallist from last time, Rhino has been working hard on his heresies, and is determined to get a medal this time. Parolin has modelled himself on Judas Iscariot, at least as far as China is concerned, but on the day the boy was outclassed.

Silver medallist last time, and continues to disgust.

"Chinese sell-outs? Financial scandals? Not me!"

Oscar Maradiaga 44.2 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 55.8.

The closest of the four quarter-finals. Both are experienced fighters, with reputations that are hard to choose between. So Cocco takes it, but he will not be asked to take a drug test.

"Financial and sexual scandals? Me?"

"Drug-fuelled homosexual orgies? You must be thinking of someone else."

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SEMI-FINALS.

Arthur Roche 66.4 v Reinhard Marx 33.6

Blase Cupich 72.8 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 27.2

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF.

Reinhard Marx 63.5 v Francesco Coccopalmerio 36.5

The silver medallist in 2019, Rhino Marx, has to settle for the bronze medal. Cocaine Palmerio takes the 4th place as he did last time.

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THE FINAL.

Arthur Roche 46.4 v Blase Cupich 53.6

After a hard-fought contest, the 2019 champion, Blase Cupich, wins the gold again, and Arthur Roche has to settle for the silver medal and the "most promising newcomer" award.

New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

The Catholics sign a peace treaty

We are very pleased to announce that the warring factions in the Catholic Church (basically the traditionalist/orthodox group and the liberal/modernist wing) have agreed to settle their differences, and sign a peace treaty. This will allow more time for smiting the Protestants, who have been getting off far too lightly recently.

Pope Francis SJ agrees to answer the five Dubia raised by his dear friends Raymond Burke, Walter Brandmüller, and the two more who were casualties in the Great Catholic Wars. He also agrees to stop insulting other Catholics, to keep his mouth shut on aeroplane trips, and to learn Latin once and for all.

Argentina, 1991. Fr Bergoglio meets his hero Austen Ivereigh.

Fr James Martin SJ has agreed to stop trolling the Catholic world with lunatic remarks about homosexual marriage being the only moral lifestyle, the Holy Spirit being female, and Mary Magdalene being the first Pope. He will be allowed to continue selling his book about building bridges, although it will be re-catalogued as "Catholic Comedy".

No more sniping at Cardinal Marx and his abandonment of Catholicism!

Bishop McElroy of San Diego will apologise for describing his fellow-Catholics as a "cancer", and promise never again to write articles for America while under the influence of Rosica (made with gin, hair restorer and anti-freeze).

No more jokes about Massimo Faggioli being "Mr Bean"!

Father Thomas Reese's plan, that updates to the liturgy, the catechism and the Bible should be installed automatically, and probably overnight when nobody's looking, will be abandoned. They would require a total reboot of the Catholic^TM operating system, and probably introduce infection by the Jesuit virus.

No more cruel pictures of Fr Martin and Fr Rosica!

Amoris Laetitia will not be withdrawn, but it will become an excommunicable offence ever to refer to it again, either favourably or unfavourably. Admittedly we shall lose all the spiritually nourishing bits about how good it is for married life if the wife cuts the lawn and the husband does the laundry, but these can probably be found in the Sunday newspapers' "Lifestyle" columns.

All today's pictures featured comedians, so, for a change, here's Colbert doing Catholic stuff.

Next week: Tina Beattie, Father John Zuhlsdorf, Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Cardinal Cupich agree: "We all believe the same things really!"

Everyone who disagrees with me is cancer!

A special guest post from Bishop Robert McElroy of San Diego, reprinted by kind permission of America magazine, the Jesuits' own journal of spiritual nourishment.

Bishop McElroy receives a certificate listing his merits.

There has been a lot of criticism of my friend Fr "E.L." James (Martin), on account of his new sex book, "Fifty shades of gay". Why, even Cardinals Sarah and Napier have spoken out against him. Still, the less said about that the better, let's consider the ordinary Catholic in the pew. THEY ARE CANCER. Yes, they are. Well, to be fair, some are blackwater fever, others are bubonic plague, and the mildest of them are probably just a runny nose. But YES, they are SICK.

And don't give me any of that "Sober up you loony old coot" stuff. Pope Francis called for diatribe, and that's what you're getting. Diatribe, dialogue, diarrhoea, we gottem all.

As Fr James says, "The Holy Spirit helped to sell my book!"

God the Father inspired the Old Testament, and God the Son inspired the New Testament. Now God the Holy Spirit (or Pope Francis as he prefers to be known) has given us a third testament - Amoris Laetitia. He has even installed a new Pontifical Institute for Adultery to guide us through this new Catholicism.

Since writing his book about gay sex on bridges, Fr James has been scorned, vilified, mocked, laughed at, and - I regret to say - told in no uncertain terms that he is a screaming heretic. But his books sell, and that's what really matters. Remember that Jesus Christ was very keen on LGBT issues, and all claims that He ever regarded chastity as a virtue are simply BIGOTRY. And those who make them are SMALLPOX.

We congratulate Fr James and his partner on their new son (although he is a little undersized).

Can't you spice this up a little, Bishop? Antonio Spadaro says this piece is weak and understated. Ed.