The Catholics sign a peace treaty

We are very pleased to announce that the warring factions in the Catholic Church (basically the traditionalist/orthodox group and the liberal/modernist wing) have agreed to settle their differences, and sign a peace treaty. This will allow more time for smiting the Protestants, who have been getting off far too lightly recently.

Pope Francis SJ agrees to answer the five Dubia raised by his dear friends Raymond Burke, Walter Brandmüller, and the two more who were casualties in the Great Catholic Wars. He also agrees to stop insulting other Catholics, to keep his mouth shut on aeroplane trips, and to learn Latin once and for all.

Argentina, 1991. Fr Bergoglio meets his hero Austen Ivereigh.

Fr James Martin SJ has agreed to stop trolling the Catholic world with lunatic remarks about homosexual marriage being the only moral lifestyle, the Holy Spirit being female, and Mary Magdalene being the first Pope. He will be allowed to continue selling his book about building bridges, although it will be re-catalogued as "Catholic Comedy".

No more sniping at Cardinal Marx and his abandonment of Catholicism!

Bishop McElroy of San Diego will apologise for describing his fellow-Catholics as a "cancer", and promise never again to write articles for America while under the influence of Rosica (made with gin, hair restorer and anti-freeze).

No more jokes about Massimo Faggioli being "Mr Bean"!

Father Thomas Reese's plan, that updates to the liturgy, the catechism and the Bible should be installed automatically, and probably overnight when nobody's looking, will be abandoned. They would require a total reboot of the Catholic^TM operating system, and probably introduce infection by the Jesuit virus.

No more cruel pictures of Fr Martin and Fr Rosica!

Amoris Laetitia will not be withdrawn, but it will become an excommunicable offence ever to refer to it again, either favourably or unfavourably. Admittedly we shall lose all the spiritually nourishing bits about how good it is for married life if the wife cuts the lawn and the husband does the laundry, but these can probably be found in the Sunday newspapers' "Lifestyle" columns.

All today's pictures featured comedians, so, for a change, here's Colbert doing Catholic stuff.

Next week: Tina Beattie, Father John Zuhlsdorf, Jacob Rees-Mogg, and Cardinal Cupich agree: "We all believe the same things really!"

St Ignatius Academy Old Boys' News

It's been another good year for Jesuits everywhere, and as usual our old boys have been sending us news of their achievements worldwide.

Arturo Sosa (Caracas House, Class of 1977) has been appointed Superior General, also known as the Black Pope, although he admits that he doesn't really like the colour black!

The Blue and White Pope is anxious never to be recognised as a priest!

Arturo has been keeping up the finest Jesuit traditions of poking fun at Christian teaching. He tells us that he doesn't like Doctrine, and that's probably a good thing, as we recall that he got only 15% on his "New Testament Theology for Footballers" course!

We remember at the time that his excuse was that Jesus's words were only "relative" and "had to be discerned" according to the conscience of the individual. In those days, this excuse didn't serve him very well, and Mgr Chávez kept him in detention for 6 months on a bread and water diet. Nowadays we realise that this is the sort of attitude to Holy Scripture that makes him a fine Jesuit!

Fr Sosa also starred in the crime drama A touch of Frost.

JImmy Martin (Manhattan House, Class of 1999) continues his career in comedy. Last year he told us all about his stage act with Stephen Colbert, where he tells people that the Holy Spirit is female, and that God could learn a lot from human beings! That course on "The Laurel and Hardy approach to Bible Study" paid off, Jim!

This year, the LBGTSJ community in which he performs is very keen on "Trans" rights, and thinks it's a great idea to have men in dresses wandering round the girls' rest rooms! It seems that Jimmy has been very unhappy this year, since his idol Hillary Clinton didn't get a job she had applied for, and he himself seems to have been getting a lot of criticism from serious Catholics. If we Jesuits were into praying, I'd say we should pray for him - after all, God probably isn't aware of his plight!

Jimmy Martin and Tom Rosica (St Basil's School) wander into the Ladies' Rest Room by mistake!

Jorge Bergoglio (Buenos Aires House, Class of 1969) continues to hold down an administrative job in Rome, and says he has no plans to retire. He tells us that his favourite Person of the Trinity is the Holy Spirit - who chose him for his present job because he was obviously the best person to occupy the Chair of St Peter! Also, unlike God and Jesus, nobody actually knows what the Holy Spirit thinks on any matter, so in best Jesuit tradition we can make up our own answers!

Jorge (R) watches a non-rigid interpretation of Amoris Laetitia

We remember Jorge's time with us with affection, although he was severely punished by Fr Galtieri the day he handed in a blank test paper, saying that he couldn't give binary answers to abstract questions! Nowadays, of course, this is in the best spirit of Jesuit Confusion! We wish him well in his campaign to drive all the non-heretics out of Rome!

Fawlty Dogmas

In memory of Andrew Sachs, we announce a remake of the popular comedy show Fawlty Towers with an all-star cast as follows:

An all-star cast outside the Vatican.

Jorge Bergoglio is Pope Fawlty, the proprietor of the Vatican Hotel, who spends much of his time insulting the guests.

Thomas Rosica takes the part of Sybil, who "can kill a man at 10 paces with one blow of his tongue".

Antonio Spadaro ("I'm sorry, he's from Messina") is Manuel, the hapless menial whose attempts to run the hotel in Fawlty's absence always go wrong.

The lovely James Martin SJ plays the part of Polly, the waitress.

Polly (James Martin) and Sybil (Thomas Rosica) make a phone call.

We are promised lots of slapstick humour, especially from Manuel. For example Fawlty's urgent "Manuel, if you are asked, you know nothing about the Dubia" leads to Manuel's inevitable catchphrase "I know nar-thing!"

One classic episode is "The Germans" in which a party of German heretics drops into the Vatican. "Don't mention the Gospels!" insists Fawlty. "I did, but I think I got away with it." The Germans (Kasper, Marx, etc.) are not impressed.

Cardinal Dolan, a guest star in "Gourmet Night".

Another famous story is the "Church Inspectors", in which a party of four cardinals is reported to be in Rome, asking embarrassing questions, to the consternation of Fawlty. This includes the celebrated scene with the line "I was looking at Cardinal Burke, but I was actually addressing someone else when I said 'witless worm'."

"What is wormless wit?" asks Manuel.

Most catastrophic of all is "The Builders" in which a party of cowboy theologians attempts some reconstruction work at the Vatican, and punches a hole in the Magisterium!

Eccles rating: Did I like it? Yes or No? Sorry, I don't give binary answers to abstract questions.