Polly Toynbee on the right to massacre

On massacres, the media need to reflect what is happening in the real world

An edited version of a Guardian article by Polly Toynbee.

Here we go again, the never-ending story of the rightwing newspapers' campaign to roll back the right to massacre. The front page of the Sunday Times is at it once again today: "Record number of people manage to stay alive", which will, it says, "revive the debate over the right to massacre". Right on cue, up pops Tory MP Fiona Bruce of the all-party pro-life group to say, "I don’t understand why there is not more outcry about the fact that we allow viable people to be massacred.”

Should crazy people who wear pyjamas in public be protected?

The fact that some people are not massacred has nothing to do with a woman's right to choose: if a woman does not wish to be a mother, a daughter, a niece, even simply a neighbour, then she has the right to massacre anyone she does not wish to put up with.

What is remarkable about this non-stop stream of anti-massacre stories is how far out of line the rightwing press is with the real world of their readers. It's true that we don't see more than one or two massacres a week around Toynbee Towers in Lewes, nor even at the Castello Politoynbi in Tuscany, but, looking to Africa and the Middle East as our examples, as all good Guardian-readers should, we see that massacres are very, very ordinary, and a mark of civilisation.

Protecting the right to massacre.

A study from the University of California has been looking at TV and movie treatment of massacre: needless to say, they find it makes money, since people want to see on screen a reflection of what they hope for in their daily lives. However, the portrayal of massacres is generally negative. No heroine can commit an angst-free massacre.

We can learn a lesson from Texas!

Look at the flow of anti-massacre stories just in the Mail in the past months, and these are only a selection: "Cameron reacts angrily to ISIS genocide with visit to fish market", "Obama refuses to support massacre of Christians, as he heads for golf course".

The real campaign is to normalise the law in line with attitudes and behaviour. No need for a doctor to authorise a massacre, no need for an late "cut-off" date for decapitations. For the third of women who are likely to murder their families, it remains a stigma few dare discuss openly. Time for the world to catch up with the Guardian approach to an everyday medical fact.

Anti-massacres - bringing us back to the Victorian age.

QUAERITUR: Is Latin bad for your soul?

Over at the little-known Rorate Caeli blog, they have broken the news that Michael Olson, the bishop of Fort Worth, Texas, has banned the Extraordinary Form of the Latin Mass at Fisher-More College (which is odd, as Fisher and More would have been amazed to see a Mass celebrated in English).

+Worth.

In his letter, +Worth issues various threats (called "norms"), explaining "I make these norms out of my pastoral solicitude and care for the students of Fisher-More College, as well as for your own soul."

As a well-regarded arbiter of moral issues, I have been asked, "Is Latin bad for your soul?" So here is some definitive advice on the degrees of sinfulness involved.

Latin or Soul? The great dilemma.

Slightly sinful: using expressions like "e.g.", "i.e.", "Q.E.D." and "R.I.P." in conversation (not realising that they are LATIN). You should certainly mention this at Confession.

Dangerously sinful: deliberately showing off with expressions such as ipso facto or persona non grata. Atone for this by making a pilgrimage on your knees to a holy place such as Fort Worth.

In peril of damnation: attending Mass and using expressions such as Gloria in Excelsis Deo, which God regards as a personal insult. Will probably be excommunicated, just as soon as they've got round to dealing with Enda Kenny.

Damned for all eternity: attending an Extraordinary Form Mass, similar to those celebrated by all Catholics fifty years ago. No hope of being saved!

Pope John XXIII: canonization cancelled after complaints from Bishop Olson.

I hope that helps.

Three grim histories

Palestine, 4 BC.

King Enda the Great, leader of the Fine Galilee party, today expelled four of his members for opposing the new Massacre of the Innocents law, which would "protect life" by slaughtering all babies up to the age of two years old.

King Enda, with a very apprehensive-looking baby.

As "Enda Life" explained, "There is no room in my party for people who, for sentimental or religious reasons, refuse to go along with my life-saving 'kill kill kill' policy. In fact, the religious argument is completely bogus, since the Chief Priest, Diar-muid Mar-tin, refuses to excommunicate me - as everyone knows, I am considered to be a devout and pious member of the Church."

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Meanwhile, in Wales, a law of "presumed consent" has been passed, stating that anyone found to be dead - or nearly dead - may be recycled for spare parts. This is likely to be extended to cover people who sit still for too long, or fall asleep in a public place, as they may also be presumed dead.

No waiting. It's really not a good idea. Keep moving. There's a doctor watching.

It is thought that the idea may pass to Scotland, where Messrs Burke and Hare, who run a flourishing "spare parts" business in Edinburgh, have expressed enthusiastic support for the Welsh legislation.

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Finally, in Texas, a group of pro-abortion activists has been seen crying "Hail Satan!" This will be seen as a very positive step by many U.S. Catholics, such as Joe Biden and Nancy Pelosi, showing as it does that, despite minor differences of religious doctrine, it is still possible for Catholics and Satanists to reach agreement on a number of important issues, such as the excellence of abortion! It's a great day for ecumenism!

The time for religious conflict such as this is over!

The Da Mian Cod, and others

An excerpt from Dante Brown's new novel Infernal Cheek:

Renowned blood-crazed 50-something Telegraph blog supremo Damian Thompson was standing energetically in Berlin's famous Louvre Museum, at the heart of Piccadilly Square, admiring Michael Angelus's 1504 marble sculpture "David," which portrays the Arabian King David on the point of biting into a cupcake.

David. Note the cupcake in his left hand.

"Cupcakes," thought Damian pensively, meditating in a contemplative fashion on the highly addictive edible foodstuff, whereupon which he had written so movingly in his book on addiction, The Fix, which he himself had written. And this reminded him, it was the day on which the aforementioned memoir on addiction was to be published in paperback (his contacts at the heart of the publishing world had told him that this would be something like a hardback, only with softer covers).

The Fix, in new Hide-de-Vomit^(TM) yellow covers..

Damian had not blogged on addiction recently. His protège (a Latin word meaning "dogsbody"), slightly-renowned 30-something leftie atheist blogger Tom Chivers, had been promoted from his key job of assistant deputy strategic events supremo, a position in which he had been mainly responsible for making the tea, and was now allowed to write the occasional Telegraph column in the Saturday "moron" slot. This in turn freed up more chronological time for Damian, in which he could blog about religious matters from a Catholic - and sometimes papist - viewpoint.

Or - and here Damian crossed himself religiously, making a cross symbol familiar to all Christians since Pope Pius XII - there was another possibility. He could use his blog to plug his terrible book again!

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Father Xylophone writes:

I had a great day today with a Texas military firing squad.

Father X joins the liturgical Firing Squad.

I was delighted when the Texas militia contacted me, saying that an army chaplain had been court-martialled and found guilty of three capital offences, namely, (i) being a liberal; (ii) reading the National Catholic Reporter (aka Fishwrap); and (iii) arguing with me on my blog. The penalty for these was execution by firing squad, and as a priest in good standing who understands the importance of a well-armed priesthood, I was delighted to assist. (Aim at the black cassock, and stain it red, as I always say.)

I had of course been practising my sharp-shooting beforehand, so as not to let the side down by missing the target: the colonel complimented us on the unerring way in which we exercised our liturgical duty, blasting the renegade priest to smithereens.

QUAERITUR: Should one aim for the head, or the heart? Generally, Cannon Law says that one should aim for the head from Advent to Easter, and otherwise aim for the heart.

Don't mess with Fr X, unless you want to end up like this.

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Ordain a Lassie!

A new video has been released by the campaign for the ordination of dogs, called Ordain a Lassie. We do not have space to discuss this in detail, but the campaign is based on the observation that in some churches dogs are already being allowed to act as altar-servers.

"Bark!" the Herald angels sing.