An interview with Arthur Roche

I was privileged to join Christopher Lambchop (of the Bitter Pill) and Christopher Whitebait (of the Fishwrap) in a sycophantic intervew of Uncle Arthur Roche, although I did not say much.

I also missed out on the photo.

Chris (one or the other): Your Eminence, what is it like being the most wonderful Catholic of our era, or indeed any era?

Arthur: I came from 'umble origins, Batley in Yorkshire. We used to live in one room, all twenty-six of us, no furniture, 'alf the floor was missing, and we were all 'uddled together in one corner for fear of falling.

Chris: And now, who'd have thought that you'd be drinking Château de Chasselas and stuffing yourself with cinnabons, eh, your Holiness?

Arthur: Aye, we 'ad it tough. But I worked my way to the top, first as a champion ice-skater, then Bishop of Leeds, then jobs in Rome, and - who knows? - will I be the next pope? I'm already sounding out little Austen Ivereigh to write a hagiography of me!

"I think I'd look better in white, Holy Father."

Chris: I guess you first came to the notice of those above when you started closing churches in Leeds, your Sublimity. Wasn't the DVD that you produced explaining this top of the charts in Yorkshire for two years, O saintly one?

Arthur: Yes, this was my finest hour in England. My idea has even been taken up by Pope Francis!

Chris: Could you explain that, your Vastness?

Arthur: All cardinals are assigned a church in Rome. Mine is San Saba. But the Holy Father has just sent me a DVD explaining that San Saba is to close, and all new cardinals are being given beach houses instead. Apparently, this was Ted McCarrick's idea.

Closing down.

Chris: A brilliant idea, your Rotundness. Now, tell us more about your plans to burn all TLM worshippers at the stake, if you'd be so kind, Mightiness.

Arthur: Some people are stubbornly opposing what the Church - well, Pope Francis not Pope Benedict obviously - has actually decreed.

Both Chrises: Sing adoration to Pope Francis!

Arthur: It's a very serious matter. In the end people have to ask themselves: am I really a Catholic or am I more of a Protestant?

Eccles (for it is he): You're more of a Protestant?

Omnes: SHUT UP, ECCLES!

"The dissolution of the monasteries? We're calling it Traditionis Custodes."

A man for all Zuhlsdorfs

A new production of A man for all seasons, describing the martrydom of St John Z, has been announced. Obviously the script is too long for this blog, but we can at least give an idea of the plot, together with some of the dialogue. Of course some details are exaggerated slightly for dramatic purposes...

The main dispute is between Bishop Hying VIII, who wishes to convert the Catholic Church into a branch of the Demonic Democratic party, and St John Z, a priest and author (his famous blog Ztopia tells of an ideal world where people drink lots of Mystic Monk coffee, take photos of aeroplane seats, carry guns, and speak almost entirely in Latin).

The trial of Father Z.

The accusations against Fr Z start when he conducts exorcisms against the Flu Manchu virus and Demonic Influence in politics. He refuses to sign a document renouncing his Catholic faith and selling out to the Zeitgeist. His enemies swoop, and the bishop (whose spine has been removed) feels he must act to avoid damning criticism in Amerika, the Fishwrap, and the Bitter Pill.

Some men think the Earth is round, others think it flat; it is a matter capable of question. But if it is flat, will the Bishop's command make it round? And if it is round, will the Bishop's command flatten it?

From the days before the Catholic Herald became a lifestyle magazine.

Recalling that Hying is prepared to sacrifice his principles for a quiet life as bishop of Madison, Wisconsin, Fr Z lashes out at him with the words:

"For Wisconsin? Why Donald, it profit a man nothing to give his soul for the whole world... but for Wisconsin!"

In the end things turn out badly for Fr Z. His "other" bishop, the man from Velletri-Segni, is envious of the blog Ztopia, and so "by mutual agreement with the bishops", Fr Z agrees to have his head cut off, to be drawn and quartered, and buried in copies of the Fishwrap (the ultimate insult).

A fate worse than death.

This country's planted thick with laws from coast to coast – Man's laws, not God's—and if you cut them down – and you're just the man to do it – d'you really think you could stand upright in the winds that would blow then? Yes, I’d give the Devil benefit of law, for my own safety’s sake.

The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass

An edited version of a National Catholic Reporter piece by Zita Ballinger Fletcher.

One culture within the Catholic Church needing major reform is that surrounding the practice of the Latin Mass.

A typical devotee of the Latin Mass.

Even the name reeks of dishonesty. Some people call it in the Tridentine Mass, but I looked in my Big Girl's Atlas of the World and there is no country called Tridentia. No, the language is definitely Latin. As far as I can ascertain, nobody used Latin at Mass until 2007. If speaking American was good enough for Columbus, it's good enough for me!

I come from a strong Catholic family. We used to go to Mass regularly - sometimes as much as twice a year - and of course we didn't use Latin. EVERYONE understands American provided that you speak loudly enough, and that includes God! If He exists, of course... Still I decided to attend one of these Extraordinarily Formal Masses, to see what the fuss was about.

It should be obvious to everyone that Latin was the language spoken by Nero, i.e., the language of oppression. It's no coincidence that Latin Mass devotees like to pull the wings off butterflies.*

*Probably.

Indeed, it's fair to say that Latin Mass congregations are all basically fascist, racist, and LITERALLY HITLER. They weren't actually wearing swastikas when I attended, but you could see that they probably would when nobody was looking. I heard a rumour that Trump goes to Latin Masses in secret, so there you are.

And, phew! It is so sexist. The men don't wear skirts and mantillas, but many of the women do! In an attempt to fit in, I bought a special rainbow mantilla from James Martin Enterprises, but I got some funny looks when I wore it. Also, for some reason black is the preferred colour, not a jolly scarlet. Except for the men...

I wanted to dress like this, but they advised me not to.

Now let me describe the service in detail. The priest didn't smile at me once, unlike my own priest Father Doris SJ (he's looking into the possibility of transitioning, and why not?). The Catholic fascist priest kept using a "liturgy" rather than providing the clowns and puppets that we expect in the modern Church. I clutched my Pachamama doll and sobbed.

Before I went to the Mass they told me that a rosary was a very popular accessory to carry. I thought they meant roses, so I brought in a huge bunch of chrysanthemums and waved it at the priest's back (he rudely refused to face me). It turns out they meant a dangerous-looking chain made of beads. I'll bet they use them for garrotting anyone who puts a foot wrong.

A rosary. Scary-looking, isn't it?

The people attending the Latin Mass kept referring to someone called Christ - unknown to me, although I am a good modern Catholic. They even had a prayer attributed to him, rather than some solid wisdom from the works of Pope Francis. My spiritual director told me later that Christ was an important figure in the pre-Vatican II Church, but his words were never recorded with a tape-recorder, so they could not be trusted.

Worst of all, the priest forgot to anounce the Hug of Peace in the Mass. I went up to him while he was gabbling away at the altar, nudged him, said, "You've forgotten the most important part of the service!" and gave him a cuddle. He said "Retro Satanas" which I think means "Hugs and kisses" and turned his back on me.

At this stage in the Mass, we usually have a liturgical dance. But everyone looked at me when I stood up and did the can-can while the priest was saying HOC EST something. Nobody joined in, although some did make face-palm gestures, so I suppose that may be the Tridentine equivalent.

A typical reaction to my liturgical can-can.

And what's all this Gregorian chant stuff? You can't dance to it, at least not something lively. Get Gregory to write something new, I say, or else ask Marty Haugen and his mates to oblige!

I went up to receive the Lord's Din-dins, as we call it in my usual Church. The priest refused to put it into my handbag so I could take it away, and insisted on cramming it into my mouth! Also, I was expected to kneel at an altar rail, installed specially as a symbol of hate and oppression, as must be obvious to all of us.

Anyway, I think I've said enough for you to realise that I found the whole Latin Mass oppressive, sexist, racist, homophobic, Nazi, culturally imperialistic, alt-right, clericalist, rigid, and limited to narrow-minded rituals. STOP IT AT ONCE, I SAY!

Transylvanians fear Pope's visit

In Transylvania, honest peasants are decking their homes with garlic and crucifixes, and refusing to go out after dark, as Pope Francis arrives on the latest of his world trips.

No, it is not the Holy Father, "He who can never tell lies," that they fear; rather it is the entourage of journalists, theologians, priests, vampires, and werewolves, who accompany him wherever he goes.

Fr Antonio Spadaro.

Said Bram Stoca, a humble peasant from Bran, "Probably there is no truth in the rumours that Austen Ivereigh sleeps in a coffin, that Robert Mickens can turn into a bat, or that Fr Rosica can only be killed with a stake through his heart, but I am taking no chances."

The local Lord of the Manor, Count Dracula, is equally perturbed by the prospect of the invading hordes, not least as they are likely to take "customers" away from his own private Banca de Sange.

"Any chance of a job with the Tablet?"

Some say that the Transylvanians' worries are unfounded, but for hundred of years peasants have told their children in hushed tones of the legend of the National Catholic Reporter, of Michael Sean Winters, of Fr Thomas Reese SJ, and even of Count Massimo Faggioli himself, of whom it is said in 1 Maccabees 5:4 (and no we are NOT making this bit up):

And he remembered the malice of the children of Bean: who were a snare and a stumblingblock to the people, by lying in wait for them in the way.

Fighting an NCR journalist with the only thing he fears.

Pope forces Dalai Lama to resign

After his brilliant triumph in bluffing Fra' Matthew Festing, the Grandmaster of the Knight of Malta, into resigning (in spite of the fact that he actually has no jurisdiction over the Order of Malta), Pope Francis has decided to "go nuclear" and force some further resignations.

(Incidentally, we can reveal exclusively that, seeing the clownish antics of Maltese Bishops Scicluna and Grech, one of the pope's advisers rushed in to see him, saying "The fools! They've given the game away!" Owing to a clerical error, Pope Francis got tough with the "wrong" Malta, and poor Fra' Festing was the unhappy victim.)

In the end, the plan to settle things by Sumo wrestling came to nothing.

"So who else can we push over the edge?" asked Francis of his advisers. They soon came up with a list.

1. The Dalai Lama. It is very doubtful whether the pope has any authority in this case either, but the man is a definite rival. He really is humble and benevolent, and his platitudes are better than the pope's. Of course that would involve the appointment of a new Dalai Lama, but there is one obvious person, with a long experience of writing banalities: Bryony Gordon of the Dalai Telegraph!

2. Kim Jong-un must go. Francis has long pledged to reform the North Curia (memo, check spelling), and Kim is one of the few people who treats dissidents even more ruthlessly than Francis does. To take over this hereditary position, it was advisable to choose someone from the Kim family, so Kim Kar-dashian was the obvious choice.

The new woman in North Curia.

3. "I'm the pope and everything Catholic is under my direct command," says Francis, and so all people running organizations described as "Catholic" are expecting a rude phone call at 4 a.m. This includes Catholic Voices, the Catholic Herald, CAFOD, and cattlegrids.com (the pope's strong Argentinian accent may be responsible for this last one). It does not include the National Catholic Reporter, where the "Catholic" is well known to be an honorific title unrelated to its real activities.

Austen Ivereigh (seen here with Fr Rosica), may get a new job making cattle grids.

4. Last, but not least, Donald Trump is under threat from the pope. Although the USA is not under papal jurisdiction, some of the pope's best friends, such as Fr James Martin SJ, are still in shock that dear Hillary Clinton was so rudely rejected by the electorate. The prospect of Fr Jim taking part in a Women's March in Rome, dressed as a lady's naughty bits, has so horrified the Holy Father that he will do almost anything to prevent this from happening.

BREAKING: a compromise has been found, whereby Fra' Matthew Festing will go quietly, but only if Pope Francis does too. Since neither of them has the right to sack the other, this seems to be the fairest solution.

A saved poet replies to Carol Ann Duffy

Poor Carol Ann Duffy has made a brave attempt to write the worst poem ever seen - after a dozen lines claiming that all sorts of people are "gay", it ends with the following very silly lines:

The actress is gay,
spot-lit in the smash-hit play;
the butcher, the baker, the candlestick-maker,
our children, are gay.
And God is gay.

My pet goldfish is gay.

This shows an understanding of theology that would embarrass an under-9s Bible class, or maybe just an attempt to troll people of faith: CAD forgot, however, to include Mohammed in her litany of honour. If it were not written by the poet laureate - you know, the successor to Wordsworth, Tennyson, Betjeman, etc. - this garbage would not have been published in the Barnsley Chronicle, let alone any national newspapers. Still, we may respond to it in its own terms.

As thick as thieves.

Thieves are thick,
And end up in the nick;
My custard is thick,
and it makes me sick;
Atheists, alternative comedians, and Guardian journalists are thick.

The Fishwrap's Fr Thomas Reese SJ is thick.

Whoever thought Carol Ann Duffy was a good poet 
is thick.
And we really need a stronger word
Like "stupid", "imbecile", "moronic" or "deranged",
but Carol Ann Duffy is thick.

Can I be the next poet laureate please?

Is Hans Küng infallible?

In conjunction with those well-known bastions of Catholic orthodoxy, the National Catholic Reporter and The Tablet, Pope Francis has issued a challenge to the doctrine of Küngly infallibility.

Wave your Hans! The doctrines of Hans Küng Fu lead to enlightenment.

It will be recalled that the First Vatican Council of 1869–1870 formally defined the doctrine of Küngly infallibility, saying that whenever Hans (who in those days was a mere teenager) made an ex cathedra declaration on faith or morals, then it was to be treated as infallible. However, as early as 1980 it was recognised that Hans Küng was barking mad the teachings of Hans Küng were too radical to be accepted by the Church, and his "licence to teach" was withdrawn, along with his television licence and his licence to kill.

Pope Francis himself does not go in for ex cathedra declarations, but in an ex aeroplana statement, as reported by Eugenio Scalfari, he is believe to have said "Hans Küng is a complete idiot who should have joined the Lutherans years ago. They'll take anyone. Could I have a bag of peanuts, please?"

Another entrant for the "Doesn't look like Pope Francis" competition.

Supporters of Küng have angrily claimed that Pope Francis is jealous of Hans's impressive academic record, including honorary degrees from AXA anti-Hellfire Insurance, Dreamland Margate, and the University of Atlantis. Not to mention his 250 published books, including "You is not infallible, only I is infallible" and "Why does everyone hate me?"

Pope Francis, on the other hand, has recently written a book answering children's questions such as "Does God work on Sundays?", "What is the point of Giles Fraser?" and "Do self-absorbed promethean neo-pelagians go to Heaven?"

Forget North Korea, Saudi Arabia, Somalia and Syria. Here's REAL suffering.

The debate goes on. Is Professor Küng - three times winner of the Tony Flannery prize for patient bearing of torture - really infallible? Who are we to judge?

In praise of Jesuits

Occasionally you will come across people with "religious" initials after their names, most of which indicate that the bearer is a saintly and wise person leading a life devoted to God: I'm thinking here of OP, OSB, OFM Cap (which is not actually a sort of hat), and similar. But then you come to an odd one, SJ, which to most people conveys about as much saintliness as an OBE. These are the Jesuits.

"Twisted, moi?" A Jesuit in normal (relaxed) mode.

Originally, the Jesuit order was founded by St Ignatius of Loyola, with the general purpose of following the teachings of Jesus Christ. There have been many Jesuit saints, such as Edmund Campion, Francis Xavier... here's a list if you want evidence that some Jesuits are saved. The last one died in 1929.

But somewhere (in fact as early as 1613), "Jesuit" acquired the meaning of deceitful, devious, dodgy, and dissembling. All excellent qualities in a lawyer, but not so good for a holy man. So it's time for us to rehabilitate the Jesuits.

"Nobody expects the Jesuit Inquisition! Our main weapons are fear, surprise and mercy. But only a year of mercy - after that we can go back to our old ways again."

Of course Pope Francis is also a Jesuit, but he confines his Jesuitism to confusing the faithful, so let's move on.

Now Jesuits are very fond of discernment, so many readers will ask, "How do I practise discernment? Is it a martial art, or what?" Well, it's not easy. You need to run a hot bath, preferably with bubbles and a rubber duck. Sit in the bath with a large quantity of reading matter (the books of Cardinal Kasper, some Tablet articles...) until you are thoroughly imbued with the Spirit of Synod '15 (genuflects). Then you will be able to make up know the answers to the fundamental questions of religious belief!

Essential equipment for the ancient art of discernment.

A refinement of this is "Ignatian Discernment". When I first heard of this I thought it was "Ignition Discernment", where you make inflammatory comments in order to annoy people. But no, it simply means that your discernment is a little better than anyone else's, as you have been to "Discernment Classes" and you own your own rubber duck.

Jesuits are also good at spinning.

Another of my favourite Jesuits is Fr Thomas Reese SJ, who writes for that learned theological journal, the National Catholic Reporter. He's another of the ones who felt that Christ had somehow got the wrong ideas about divorce and remarriage. By and large, the Synod gave Christ's teaching a 2/3 vote of confidence, which is good, but this did not downcast Fr Reese. By spinning hard, he managed to persuade some people that the conservatives had lost, that the German Protestants had won, and that the Spirit of Synod '15 (genuflects) would lead the Catholic Church to new and greater depths.

As I said: fear, surprise and mercy.

So, all praise to Jesuits, and a big "Boo!" to all those who says they should not be admitted to Communion along with "normal" Catholics!

Pope meets "gay marriage" bigot

The world was in a state of shock today, after it was revealed that during his American trip Pope Francis had had a personal meeting with someone whose extreme views on same-sex marriage have made them a hate-figure throughout the civilised world.

"He may look like a friendly uncle, but he has disgraced himself."

Said one commentator, "I was really looking forward to the pope's visit to the USA, and in fact I thought that this might even be a good occasion to become a Catholic. But after I heard about Pope Francis's meeting with Barack Obama, I realized that I could not be a member of a church led by someone who was capable of talking to people like that."

The pope's secret meeting with Barack Obama.

Other commentators rushed into print. John Allen Jr, of Crux, said, "Only time will tell what the significance of this meeting really is, so I'm going to write a long article explaining that nobody knows what it's all about." In the National Catholic Reporter, Michael Winters dashed off a hard-hitting piece demanding an explanation of why the pope had been allowed to meet people without his permission.

Meanwhile, everyone agrees that it was a good move for the pope to have met Kim Davis, the heroine of Kentucky. She was clearly a much more interesting person than Obama, who had spent his entire meeting with the pope in droning on about golf and taking selfies.

Pope Francis to meet top Catholics in USA

As Pope Francis prepares to visit the USA, it has been announced that President Barack Obama has arranged for him to meet a selection of his favourite Catholics, the ones who are so influential in the modern church.

Sister Jezebel of the "Nuns on the Unicycles" organization.

Sister Jezebel is a thoroughly modern Catholic nun, who refuses to kow-tow to the male patriarchal hegemony of Pope Francis by dressing like a nun. She is hoping to advise the Holy Father that for 2000 years the Church has been wrong on such issues as the ordination of women and the rights of lesbian nuns who wish to marry in church.

Caitlyn Nutcase.

Although originally born as a male humanoid, Caitlyn now identifies as a female elk, and who are we to judge? She is fond of browsing and ruminating, and occasionally emitting the trumpet-like mating call of the elk, although she has not yet found a male elk to take any interest in her. A pious Catholic and cover girl for Vanity Elk, Caitlyn attends liberal masses, where she emits loud mooing sounds and chews the flower arrangements.

Fred Fu Manchu (and daughter) of Planned Extermination Baby Parts 'R' Us (Inc.)

Barack Obama is a close friend of Fred Fu Manchu, whose "baby parts" empire made him a multi-millionaire. His daughter owns a Lamborghini. Fred recommends the National Catholic Reporter for all your spiritual needs.

Senator Joe Penguin

A close political ally of President Obama, Senator Penguin is a pious Catholic who likes reciting the Rosary in a Neil Kinnock voice; when he's not doing that, he campaigns for same-sex marriage. He opposes abortion except in extreme cases, such as when the woman is pregnant.

Bishop Selfish Gene

It is said that Bishop Gene left his wife, the mother of his children, in order to "marry" a man. If you're going to commit adultery, do it in style, that's what we always say. It can only be a matter of time before Gene becomes a Catholic. Becoming a Christian may take a little longer.

Finally, we learn that the Master of Ceremonies will be...

Cardinal Timothy Donut

Three times winner of the Vatican's Fattest-Cardinal-Who-Has-Not-Yet-Exploded award, Cardinal Donut is also grandmaster of the St Patrick's Day Gay Pride March. An old friend of both Barack Obama and Pope Francis, he is regarded as someone who can reconcile all shades of liberal opinion.

Late news: This is basically correct.

Cardinal Dolittle at the Pearly Gates

The date: about 2050. St Peter (at the Gates of Heaven) is reading some old posts from Eccles's blog. Enter the late Cardinal Timothy Dolittle of New York.

The Laughing Cardinal, by Franz Hals.

Dolittle: You must be St Peter. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Peter: Ah, yes, Cardinal Dolittle. We've been expecting you.

Dolittle: Straight into Heaven, then? I hope you've got a good solid double portion of steak and fries waiting for me. I know what I expect from Heaven! Ha ha ha ha!

Peter: Actually, it's not quite as simple as that. For cardinals our usual procedure is that a committee of three saints will take a preliminary look at your case. Exit.

Enter Saints Fulton, Daniel and Patrick.

St Fulton Sheen discovers that laughter is infectious.

Fulton: Yes, well there are certain problems about admitting you to Heaven, Timothy my boy. I seem to remember you put your considerable weight against me about thirty-five years ago, when the Catholic Church was trying to canonize me. Some nonsense about whether my body could be moved. Hmmph, it wouldn't have needed a giant crane, unlike some people's bodies...

Holy Innocents Church, New York.

Daniel: Hi, Timmy! I was one of the Holy Innocents massacred by Herod.

Dolittle: Ha ha ha! You don't look as if you were under 2 years old.

Daniel: No, but nobody wants to spend eternity in diapers (nappies), so when we got up here they let us grow up. Now, Timmy, what's all this about your trying to close down our church in New York?

St Patrick sends the snakes off to work for the National Catholic Reporter.

Patrick: I'm afraid I'm also dissatisfied with your conduct, Timothy, my lad. If Irish people in New York want to celebrate my day with a parade, that's all well and good, to be sure it is. You should be there leading it - waddle, waddle, waddle. But why are you joining with the "gay pride" people in this event? Another failure on your part, Timothy. Ochone!

Re-enter St Peter.

Peter: Have you told him the bad news?

Dolittle (disconcerted): What, no automatic place in Heaven?

Peter: No, son, it'll be 999 years in Purgatory on a bread-and-water diet. Remember, that it is easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for you to get through the gates of Heaven. A very tight squeeze...

He was certainly the life and soul of funerals.

Dolittle: Ha ha ha ha ha!

St Peter (whispers): Do you think we should tell him he'll be sharing a room with Cormac Murphy-O'Connor?

Damion Thomson treads on our toes

A special hatchet job by Mike Winters, reprinted from the National Protestant Reporter ("Fishwrap").

Damion Thomson (it's Damiun Thomspon. Ed.), who is an associate editor at the Spectator, is a brilliant and wonderful writer, whom we admire very much. However, he has written a piece that is wrong from beginning to end.

Mike (R) and Bernie Winters.

Damyan correctly points out that Pope Francis is a Jesuit: most people don't know this, because they don't read the Fishwrap, where all the newest versions of Catholic belief are written about in sympathetic terms by our own tame Jesuit, Fr Thomas Reese.

Damain claims that Pope Francis isn't a Marxist-Leninist with Stalinist tendencies, as we at the Fishwrap devoutly hoped. Indeed, he says that Francis is not going to change Catholic doctrine in any significant way: for example, Damein thinks that there is no chance that blood-drinking lesbian lizards will be ordained to the priesthood within the next five years. Instead, Damoin claims, the pope's priority is to reform the Roman Curia, forcing all those fat lazy bureaucrats to renounce evil or be fired.

Pope Francis hands out specially blessed P45s (pink slips) to the faceless bureaucrats.

We know better. The pope has previously warned, correctly, about neo-pelagianism and new forms of gnosticism. These are heresies we associate with conservatives - they grow from the same spiritual soil as orthodox beliefs and practices. So we should reject orthodox practices in order to avoid heresy. Er, this doesn't make a lot of sense does it? Never mind, let's skip on to a METAPHOR.

Reforming the Curia, and rewriting Catholicism in the process, are not small beer. But whether they are small or large beer - and mine's a large gin, if you're buying - the pope has reminded us that old wine should not be put into new wineskins, and that work is the curse of the drinking classes, while candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

"We said we'd sue Him if He didn't change water into wine at our same-sex wedding."

These facts are as true as they were two thousand years ago, when the apostles went to the tomb and found that Christ was not there. We are proud to say that, since then, many readers have gone to the pages of the Fishwrap and also found that Christ was not there.

(After 3 months they still haven't corrected the spelling of "Damian". Looking at the original article might have given them a clue. E.)

In praise of the Fishwrap

The American National Catholic Reporter is not highly regarded by orthodox Catholics: indeed Fr Zuhlsdorf has been known to refer to it as the Fishwrap. But does it have any merits?

The most obvious use for the National [Hahaha] Reporter (H/T Fr Z).

If five thousand friends suddenly descend on you wanting a meal - as can happen if someone mentions your party on Facebook - then there is no better way of catering for them than with fish sandwiches: in the right hands, five loaves and two fish can go a long way. In these circumstances, your fish would naturally be best wrapped in the National [Heretic?] Reporter, which is capable of packing in so much that is oily, foul-smelling, and even slightly rotten. Only the British Tablet can compete in this respect.

However, under controlled laboratory conditions, some people have managed to read the National [Whatever] Reporter without going insane, and today we shall review two of its articles.

See how many mistakes you can spot.

Did you know that the Catholic Church has women priests? I didn't, even if you spell them "Womenpriests". I don't think Pope Francis knew, either, and he's generally considered to be something of an expert on the matter. Here we have the National Catholic Reporter - yes, it really does use the C-word in its title - claiming that a gaggle of ladies in suspiciously stripy vestments are priests, indeed, that one of them is a bishop. Phew! That's a relief! We can cancel the Reformation and re-unite with the Anglicans, who are just beginning to catch up in this vital matter.

Now after that, you may think that some of the NCR editorial staff are in need of an analyst, the sort of person who can lie them down on a couch and say to them in a cod-Austrian accent, "So, and how long haf you had zis delusion about vimmin priests?" Luckily, there is an analyst on the staff, and he's a Jesuit!

Fr Thomas Reese SJ, a senior analyst for NCR.

Fr Tommy deserves the credit for another article that we'd like to review. Its headline is unpromising and a little insulting, but it is possible that - as at the British Daily Telegraph - the headlines are often written by teenagers on work experience. On the other hand, the quality of the article that follows also suggests that it was written by a teenager, rather than a worthy disciple of St Ignatius of Loyola.

Now, on this blog, we have always known that the kiss of peace was slightly problematical: see, for example, this guide, which tells you how to conduct the kiss without upsetting your neighbours, and this one, which tells you how to do so without catching an illness. Certain people in the Vatican have now taken our message to heart. You are not there to grope your neighbour, nor to try and beat your personal best in terms of "kisses" scored.

A scoreboard showing the current record as 346 kisses.

Fr Tommy takes a negative view of the Catholic church: basically the "Catholics against the Vatican" tribe has won. He says: The Catholic community, no matter what the Vatican may want, has made the kiss of peace in its current place a joyous symbol and no amount of catechesis will change that.

Yes, it's a great paper, the National [Oh-dear] Reporter. Recommended especially to Presbyterians, Muslims, Atheists, and anyone else who wants to see the Catholic Church looking very silly. Oh, and to fishmongers.

Pope Francis not a Zygon

Having watched the Dr Who 50th anniversary episode (and we promise not to blog on Dr Who again for... ooh... at least a week), we have finally found the explanation for the sudden change in Pope Francis.

This is not the Pope.

Pope Francis has been having a lot of bad publicity lately, thanks to various statements that he is supposed to have made - or which were made up for him by Eugenio Scalfari and various liberal journalists.

Indeed, his reputation amongst traditionalists was mud, with the great Mundabor writing "Francis is clearly a sodomite pinko liberal commie pervert - although as a pious Catholic I do respect the authority of the Holy Father." Then Rorate Caeli chimed in with "We're not really sedevacantists but how can we possibly accept Francis, when he's an ex-KGB member in league with the Prince of Darkness? What's more, his Latin is terrible." Even Father Z commented: "Let's read Francis as if he'd said what Benedict said."

Scalfari - his new book is called: Believe me - Pope Francis told me he was an atheist.

Only the Bitter Pill and the National Anti-Catholic Fishwrap dared to defend the words of Pope Francis, when he said - at least according to these distinguished publications - "Stop worrying about abortion, birth control, same-sex marriage, murder, theft and adultery. Just chill out, man," and - on another occasion - "Who am I to judge between Good and Evil - they're equally good lifestyle choices!"

But all this is at an end. It turns out that for several months we did not have a pope at all, but a shape-changing Zygon. Within the last week, this alien creature has been sent packing, and a lucrative column on the Guardian awaits it, as a colleague of Chris Huhne.

Another strange being employed by the Guardian.

Now that the real pope is back on the throne of St Peter, we are seeing all the traditional statements that we expect from a pope. For example, on Twitter: "HI! I'M A CATHOLIC. RETWEET IF YOU ARE TOO! LOL." (Sadly, he has not yet matched the intellectual gravitas of Pope Benedict.) Then again, "This Hermeneutic of Continuity idea sounds jolly fine. Perhaps I'll drop into Blackfen next week and find out more about it." And finally, "Spirit of Vatican II ??!!?? Arentchasickofit ??!!??" This last is regarded as a bid for a regular column in the Catholic Herald, perhaps entitled Frank Speaking.

And you're fired too!