Mongolians shocked as Genghis Khan praises Pope Francis

A surprise message received from the afterlife, which has been attributed to the late Genghis Khan, has shocked faithful Mongolians because it praises Pope Francis.

"Now he's really put his foot in it!"

"Some 'rigid' people have criticised the Holy Warlord for his policy of mass-murder and torture, but we never thought he would stoop so low as to praise a man who teaches heresy, gerrymanders synods, and persecutes people who want to follow traditional forms of worship," says sumo-wrestler Mai Cluis, who runs the popular Where Genghis Is website.

His little friend Osten Iveree, author of the warlord biographies "Genghis Khan, the great Reformer", "Wounded Wolfman" and "Let us massacre - the path to a better future", agrees. "Genghis should stick to what he knows best, and not try to endorse controversial figures simply to curry favour with people."

Finally, even Chams Mahteen, another compulsive writer, responsible for "Destroying a bridge with people on it", "Learning to Prey" and "Come forth and slaughter the Khwarezmid Empire", thinks Genghis Khan has gone too far. "He should keep out of Catholic politics and concentrate on LGBT issues," he says.

Next week: "I think he's a terrible pope, too," admits Ivan.

Al Capone makes a statement on the Chicago massacre

Chicago, 1929.

Cardinal Al Capone of the Chicago Outfit has issued a statement concerning the suppression of the North Side Institute on Febuary 14th (the St Valentine's Day Mass-acre).

Cardinal Capone tries to look inconspicuous.

"On February 14th, seven members of the North Side Community communicated to the archdiocese that they had decided to stop breathing and instead bleed to death through certain holes in their bodies. It was their choice to do so."

"They were not killed. We did not shoot them. They chose to discontinue altogether."

"The community had the option to continue living under our guidelines and decided not to," added a spokeswoman for Cardinal Capone. “It is a false statement that we have a ban on their activities. They are welcome to worship in any way they choose, provided that they receive permission from the Archdiocese."

The spokeswoman added that, in line with the wishes of Mafia boss Big Frank Bergoglio, as interpreted by Arthur "Even Bigger" Roche, the Community had only needed to comply with 79 conditions requested by Al Capone, one of which required them to be dead.

Mysteriously, the dead men all shot themselves in the back.

It is not known how this Mass-acre will affect the popularity of Cardinal Capone, but there is no doubt that Big Frank is delighted.

If you don't know what this post is about, take a look at the blog of Father "Z" Uhlsdorf.

King Herod claims to care for children

King Herod the Great

King Herod of Judaea has hit back strongly against claims that his policy of killing all children under the age of two years old could be described as barbarous, inhuman, or simply murderous. In a tweet that set the record straight in no uncertain terms he said:

In previous comments, Herod had explained that his child-killing policy was totally humane, and that the infants in question would be kept comfortable as they went to their deaths.

"I love children," he went on. "Why I have two myself!"

"Four, your Majesty."

"Oh, really? Well, it's hard to keep track of these things."

Although mass murder of children was originally supposed to be "safe, legal and rare", it is now increasingly seen as a policy that saves time and energy for everyone.

Elsewhere in Judaea, Governor Quasimodo has eagerly embraced the policy of caring, loving, considerate and sympathetic infanticide. We attempted to contact High Priest Dolittle for a comment on this, bur he was out to lunch and not expected back for six hours.

"Can you remind me? Are we for or against abortion?"

Valentine's Day massacre to go ahead

In Chicago, Cardin Al Capone has confirmed that, even though it is Ash Wednesday, the traditional Valentine's Day massacre will go ahead.

Cardin Al Capone - and isn't that the biggest crook you ever saw?

As we've been told ad nauseam today is both Ash Wednesday, the start of Lent, and St Valentine's Day, the day for buying chocolates, flowers, gin, scrubbing brushes, copies of Building a Bridge, etc. for your loved one, depending on their inclinations and how much you love them. But can we celebrate both at once?

Following his sensational lecture at the Von Heretic institute in Cambridge, at which he told the world that, although "strictly speaking" chastity is required (don't you love that phrase?), it must sometimes be abandoned, Capone is now preparing to massacre the Catholic faith in other ways.

"Did I appoint Cupich as a cardinal? Silly me, I mean Chaput!"

In particular the great man - the cardinal who put the "bile" in "papabile" - is launching a series of Amoris Laetitia seminars, to tell the US Bishops how to interpret it. A cheaper option would be to pulp all copies of AL and admit that it is a turkey, but... well, it's too late now. Or is it?

Catholics are looking forward to seeing how the Vatican will celebrate Easter on April 1st (All Fools' Day). It's possible that an all-star line-up of celebrity fools will be present in Rome - Cupich, Marx, Kasper, oh the list is too long to give in detail. Then perhaps Pope Francis will surprise us by admitting "You've all been fooled! Amoris Laetitia was just a joke designed to test you! Now I know which of my cardinals to put up against the wall." And out will come the papal machine-gun.

Out of respect for his office, Capone will be offered a blindfold.

No, I think not.

Cecil - the world mourns

Led as always by celebrities Ricky Gervais, Piers Morgan, Cara Delevingne, Claudia Lee, etc. etc., the world has rushed to condemn the untimely death of Cecil.

Cecil was a young American lad who was carefully ripped from his mother's womb using a compassionate "non-crushing" technique (© Planned Parenthood), so that his body parts could be sold off and used. It is believed by some that his head was mounted on the wall as a "hunting trophy", his limbs used for scientific experiments, and his vital organs made into meat pies.

The death of one lion is a tragedy; the death of several thousand babies is a statistic. (Stalin, adapted.)

If that were not enough for the celebrities to get excited about, the more observant of them have also noticed that ISIS/ISIL/Daesh have spent the last year or so massacring several thousand innocent people, some of them also called Cecil. Of course these - being mere humans - were not cuddly and furry, and are therefore of no interest whatsoever. I'm sorry I mentioned it.

"Lions are safe with me," says Dr Mary Gatter.

Please give generously to the buy-Mary-Gatter-a-Lamborghini-and-persuade-her-to-drive-it-off-a-cliff campaign!

Pope Francis upsets the Turks

Ahmet Davutoglu, Prime Minister of Turkey, has angrily condemned Pope Francis's description of the Ottoman Empire's murder of 1.5 million Armenians as "the first genocide of the 20th century".

"Hey, Francis, we only killed half the population. Not a real genocide!"

Clearly, mentioning this sort of thing is bad manners, and according to poor injured Ahmet "an evil front is being formed before us. Now the pope has joined it and these plots." Apparently, this is the end of the famous saying "Turkey's voting for Christians". Pope Francis, in turn, has responded by giving up turkish delight, which he was going to do anyway, given that doctors had told him he was getting overweight.

The Holy Father is no longer delighted.

We are expecting further outspoken comments from the pope any time now. It is thought that he may mention the War (you know, it involved someone called Adolf Hitler, generally understood to be something of a bad egg), if he can face the wrath of Angela Merkel. Or he may go even further and talk about Stalin, in which case Vladimir Putin won't be sending him any more Christmas cards.

Preparing for a meeting with Angela Merkel.

Of course Turkey is one of our highly esteemed allies in NATO, so that if Pope Francis's tactless mention of the Armenians is to be regarded as an attack on it, then the UK, USA, etc., will be asked to declare war on the Vatican. The UK is already calling up its shock troops, the geriatric ACTA Brigade, which has been dying to have a pop at the pope for several years, especially during this era of diplomatic tension with the Bishop of Lancaster.

ACTA's youth coordinator rushes to the defence of Turkey.

Polly Toynbee on the right to massacre

On massacres, the media need to reflect what is happening in the real world

An edited version of a Guardian article by Polly Toynbee.

Here we go again, the never-ending story of the rightwing newspapers' campaign to roll back the right to massacre. The front page of the Sunday Times is at it once again today: "Record number of people manage to stay alive", which will, it says, "revive the debate over the right to massacre". Right on cue, up pops Tory MP Fiona Bruce of the all-party pro-life group to say, "I don’t understand why there is not more outcry about the fact that we allow viable people to be massacred.”

Should crazy people who wear pyjamas in public be protected?

The fact that some people are not massacred has nothing to do with a woman's right to choose: if a woman does not wish to be a mother, a daughter, a niece, even simply a neighbour, then she has the right to massacre anyone she does not wish to put up with.

What is remarkable about this non-stop stream of anti-massacre stories is how far out of line the rightwing press is with the real world of their readers. It's true that we don't see more than one or two massacres a week around Toynbee Towers in Lewes, nor even at the Castello Politoynbi in Tuscany, but, looking to Africa and the Middle East as our examples, as all good Guardian-readers should, we see that massacres are very, very ordinary, and a mark of civilisation.

Protecting the right to massacre.

A study from the University of California has been looking at TV and movie treatment of massacre: needless to say, they find it makes money, since people want to see on screen a reflection of what they hope for in their daily lives. However, the portrayal of massacres is generally negative. No heroine can commit an angst-free massacre.

We can learn a lesson from Texas!

Look at the flow of anti-massacre stories just in the Mail in the past months, and these are only a selection: "Cameron reacts angrily to ISIS genocide with visit to fish market", "Obama refuses to support massacre of Christians, as he heads for golf course".

The real campaign is to normalise the law in line with attitudes and behaviour. No need for a doctor to authorise a massacre, no need for an late "cut-off" date for decapitations. For the third of women who are likely to murder their families, it remains a stigma few dare discuss openly. Time for the world to catch up with the Guardian approach to an everyday medical fact.

Anti-massacres - bringing us back to the Victorian age.

Do mention the war

This is a very ecumenical blog: we have occasionally featured guest contributions from Anglicans, Calvary Chapel worshippers, Atheists - even liberal Catholics. Thus, to mark the centenary of World War I (at least as far as the British Empire was concerned) we decided to invite a contributor who could be suitably enthusiastic about war and bloodshed. So please welcome Slugtrousers the minor demon!

Our guest blogger.

Thanks, Eccles, it's great to have an opportunity to present my views here: obviously many readers will have read some of my contributions to the Guardian and the Tablet, and heard me on the BBC's Thought for the Day - I've been invited to blog for the Telegraph as well - but appearing on Eccles's site must be the highlight of anyone's career.

Well, as a demon, I must say that World War I was a spectacular success. Starting with the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austria - a man known for his fine moustache, but scarcely of any great interest to the average Briton - we managed to persuade numerous countries, including Austria-Hungary, Russia, Germany, France, Britain and their empires, and (eventually) the USA to sacrifice millions of young men in the most pointless way possible.

Franz Ferdinand, who missed the best bits of the war.

So after killing off about 16 million people, those silly humans decided to call it the "War to End All Wars". Well, we couldn't have that, could we? So we kept the pot boiling - World War II was another highlight, I remember (40 million or so, but we managed to spread them around the world better, rather than concentrating them in Europe). Of course, it's been a bit quiet recently - yes, 2 or 3 million in the Congo War of 1998 is encouraging, but they were only Africans, so they don't make the newspaper headlines, do they?

Checking our records, it seems that the Muslim Conquest of the Indian Subcontinent killed 60 million people, but that was spread over 500 years (say 1000-1525), and people in the West didn't really know what was going on. Chalk up another 30 million during the Mongol conquests, if you like... Good fun, but not likely to be taught in schools when there's Mary Seacole to write essays about!

Mahmud of Ghazni enjoys a poem after a hard day's massacring.

Anyway, that's enough history: let's see how the preparations for World War III are getting along. Russia and Ukraine, yes, a very promising conflict there. Israel and Gaza, yes, with the added bonus that both sides have got some genocidal fanatics playing for them. Then - and you being a Christian, Eccles, you'll enjoy this one - we have the Christians being wiped out by ISIS in the Middle East. I always get a kick out of massacring Christians - they're the real enemy of us demons, you see - and we get extra brimstone on Saturday nights to celebrate their murder.

"Foreign policy is a piece of cake!" says Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg.

Actually, the world has not been entirely silent over the ISIS massacres. François Hollande, who is normally one of our keenest supporters, has broken ranks and offered asylum to the Kurds. In England, the church of England as a whole seems to think that ordaining women bishops is the answer to all the world's ills; however, some of its male bishops (e.g. Manchester, Worcester, Leeds-Ripon-Wakefield-Bradford-'arrogate-'alifax-'uddersfield) have spoken out about the massacres. On the Catholic side, we've not heard a great deal from Cardinal Nichols: "peradventure he sleepeth," as your man Elijah once put it. The same applies to Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor.*

*But within a few hours of my writing this, Bishop Declan Lang has sprung into action.

"I may be a useless cardinal, but I'm a great cook!"

Well, in conclusion, I'd like to congratulate the human race on the bloodshed of World War I, and all that has happened since then, and to wish all humans well in their future attempts to beat the Hell out of each other. For those who feel like a sing-song now, may I recommend this jolly piece from Flanders and Swann?

No doubt Mars among his chattels has got some really splendid war
Full of bigger and bloodier battles than we've ever enjoyed 
   before.
But until the time occurs, Sir, when that greater war comes on 
   the scene,
The one that I on the whole prefer, Sir, is the war of 14/18!
Yes the one that I still prefer, Sir, is the war of 14/18!

The massacre of Glencoe

Just for a change, here is a post that has nothing to do with religion. It tells the story of how the Campbells massacred the MacDonnellys in 1692.

A tale of Bonnie Scotland.

The Laird of the Clan Campbell was a braw man named Michael, who ruled his territory with an iron hand. At least he did, except when it was invaded by a tribe of PICTAs ("Protestant Invaders Call To Action"), in which case he tended to lie down on the ground and let them tickle his tummy.

The PICTAs were fearsome warriors, about which many ballads were sung, for example:

Rebekah O'Keeffe
Has a fine set of teeffe,
And she bites even hardeur
Than Ann Lardeur.

A PICTA warrior frightens two harmless clerics.

Anyway, Michael, the Laird, was a learned man, who wrote a journal, which he entitled "blog". In it he recorded the insights that had occurred to him in his life as a laird. With admirable restraint, he did not post many pictures of what he had for dinner, probably because in those days he would have to wait around while an artist painted it.

The Laird.

However, Campbell was much troubled by the clan MacDonnelly; its own laird, Nick by name, published a far more interesting journal, showing a greater awareness of the evils that beset Bonnie Scotland. In particular, he was none too sympathetic to the PICTA tribe, arguing that they were simply rebels who threatened the Pope, to whom he (and the Laird Campbell) owed allegiance.

Protecting the Pope, by feeding him on traditional Highland food.

Thus the Laird Campbell became angry, for many fewer people read his own blog than that of his rival MacDonnelly. "Fighting against the World, the Flesh and the Devil is MY job, even if I don't do it very well," he said. Thus the Campbells lured the MacDonnellys into a lonely glen, and vanquished them. Nick MacDonnelly was exiled to a primitive hovel - some say it was a shed, but that may be a myth - where he was ordered to stop blogging, and to pray and reflect. It is not recorded whether Michael Campbell also vowed to pray and reflect.

However, this is not the end of the story. After the massacre, there remained at large the wife of Nick MacDonnelly, a mysterious woman known only as "M"; showing great courage, she carried on the MacDonnelly chronicles while her husband languished in exile.

A mysterious woman known only as "M".