2 Chronicles

Welcome back, class. I hope you are enjoying the Eccles Bible Project, as we work our way through the Bible, explaining it to beginners. Now today's book of the Bible contains more Jewish history, and duplicates a lot of what we've seen already, so last week I set you all some homework - read 2 Chronicles and write an essay on it.

Gervais! Put your feet down. And where's your essay, boy?

Ah, Dawkins, our star pupil. What's your essay about? Why Solomon wasn't as wise or as rich as what I am. Yes, that's just about on-topic. In 2 Chronicles we do get nine chapters about Solomon, building a temple, running a fleet of chariots bearing the message "THERE'S DEFINITELY A GOD. NOW STOP WORRYING - UNLESS YOU'RE AN ATHEIST," and getting rich from the royalties on his father's psalms. But your essay seems to be mostly about you, and why you should be King too. Could do better, lad.

Not really a useful guide to the 10th century BC.

Now, Fry, I know you once wrote a book called Moab is my washpot, which is a line taken from the psalms. However, when I read it, it seemed to be all about you rather than any of the people we're looking at today. So what is your essay entitled? Rehoboam or Jeroboam - which had the cutest boam? I've got a nasty feeling about this one. Let's move on.

Hari? You have an exclusive interview with King Asa of Judah, in which he tells you that he did that which was good and right in the eyes of the Lord his God? Splendid. We'll read that later.

The chaplin demonstrates a liturgical dance.

Oh yes, Marvin the paranoid deacon. You were sent here on a refresher course, I gather. Do stop spitting at your neighbours. So you've written something for us, explaining how the entire Bible was written by a sockpuppet of Eccles? And you have invented some characters in the style of your favourite newspaper, Viz? That's like the Tablet but a little more Catholic, right? Brilliant idea! Let's see what's on offer.

King Silly Man the not-so-wise. Who is it based on? A boy at school who borrowed your pencil 35 years ago and forgot to give it back? Crumbs, that's biting satire, well done. He'll be seeking counselling, I'm sure.

J. Whosa Fatty, the overweight king of Judah. Ha ha ha, brilliantly witty. Yes, it's true that a certain priest is a little overweight; I'm sure he'll recognise himself there. Yes, I know, isn't it terrible how priests look down on deacons? Well, on some deacons. Well, on you.

Neighbourhood-nurser and Baby Lon. Oh, you're killing me. A woman with a baby, whom you hate intensely because she has got more friends than you? That'll teach her to humiliate you!

Neighbourhood-nurser and Baby Lon (ho ho!)

Well, we'd better stop there. Next time we'll look at the book of Ezra, which may be a bit more spiritually nourishing.

Our return to Notting Hell

We decided to leave my bruvver Bosco hidin wiv Juliano Assangua in de Ecuadorian souvenir shop, and we came back to London to stay wiv our friend Damain Thopmson again. Dere is a lot goin on in London dis weekend, as I will rellate.

We finds ourselves in Little Giddin.

We is still havvin a little trubble wiv our Satan-Nav, and instead of takin' us to London, it landed us in a holly place called Little Giddin. Our chuaffeur, Hannan, tapped de machine, and it stopped its usaul dialogge, originally programmed by Anti Moly:,

Turn left, no I mean right, look where you is goin you nearly hit dat little old lady you poor old fool, aint you gonna get your eyes tested? Woeful.

Instead it waxed poetical and said:

If you came this way, taking any route, starting from anywhere, at any time or at any season, it would always be the same: you would have to put off sense and notion.

Which is very luvvly, but don't help much when you is lookin for de A1 Motorway.

We is lost.

Still, we got back to London finally, and found dat Damain Thopmson had buoght an oil painting, called Moaner Lissa, which he wanted to give to his great friend Cradinal Murphy-O'Connor as an 80th birthday present. It used to belong to de Luovre in Paris, but Damain is a rich man cos of de runaway success of his book "De Fix," and he made em a generuos offer.

Anti Moly had been readin about an old Spannish lady who restored frescos, and said "I can do better dan dat." So she set abuot restorin de Moaner Lissa. Sadly, I fink dat at de end it didn't look quite right.

Moaner Lissa, after restoratoin

Still, Damain says it will give Cradinal Cormac somefink to remember him by.

Damain was very excited too because he heard dat someone called Harry was phottographed wiv no clothes on. He was wonderin whevver it was Joanne Harry, de great juornalist, but it turns out to be a Prince.

Well, apart from Cradinal Cormac's birfday party, to which we is all invited, de other grate social event of de weekend is de Notting Hell Cranival. By traditoin, de gruonds of Castle Thopmson is given up to music and dancin, while Damain retires to de cellar and puts a pillow over his head. Dis sounds like fun.

Cradinal Cormac dancin at last year's Notting Hell Cranival

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 12

Continued from Chapter 11

1. Thus it came to pass that Joseph Ratzinger, he whom they called Pope Benedict XVI, travelled to Britain.

2. For he said, "There are many pious and faithful Catholics on this island, who will be pleased to see me. Also many bishops, who would like to have their photographs taken with me."

3. But Richard had vowed to arrest Pope Benedict, and so he formed the Dawkins Constabulary.

The Dawkins Constabulary in action.

4. Led by Superintendent Dawkins and Inspector Hitchens, the team included the mighty Sergeant Grayling and two other men and women known for their forensic skills, namely, Constables Stephen Fry (an expert on credit-card fraud) and Johann Hari (an expert on plagiarism and cyber-bullying).

5. But the lawyers told Richard that he could not arrest the Pope, saying unto him, Nolle prosequi, which is the Latin for "Grow up, you silly little man."

6. But, just to be on the safe side, the Pope came to Britain in a mighty chariot, known as a Popemobile, which defended him from all ill.

Pope Benedict XVI, in his Popemobile, en route for Birmingham

8. And the Pope was protected by his mighty Swiss Guards; they were armed with state-of-the-art Swiss Army knives, which could remove a stone from a horse's hoof, open a packet of peanuts, or pierce the soul of a heretic.

9. But the Pope was merciful, and did not succumb to the temptation of going to Oxford to flatten the house of the author of The Blind Birdwatcher and all that God Confusion tripe.

10. Thus Richard, humiliated, slunk away, and turned his attention to attacking faith schools. For he had produced a hard-hitting television documentary, explaining how children were indoctrinated.

A fanatic attempts to brainwash children into his views on x, y and z

10. But many of the people who watched the documentary said, "Who is this nutter? He's just trying to indoctrinate us. Let us change the channel and watch Strictly Come Dancing, for this week we shall see Polly Toynbee dancing with Eric Pickles, a sight that no man has seen before."

11. And so, to Richard's great dismay, the Catholics continued to teach that 2+2=4, and other controversial doctrines.

And here's one to do at home when Mummy and Daddy have gone to bed

12. Thus, at end of the tenth year of the second millennium, Richard ceased not in his folly. And as he grew weaker, both bodily and mentally, the Lord God came unto him in a dream and said "Pack it in, you old fool."

13. But still he packed it not in.

Continued in Chapter 13.

De Napoloen of Notting Hell

Dat rarver clever tittle is a tribbute to our dear freind Damain Thopmson, who is puttin us up in his humble aboad now dat we has arrived in London.

Dis is a pitcher of Castle Thopmson, which is a large huose in Notting Hell, where Damain lives wiv just a few servants to look after him.

Our flight from Austriala was a bit probblematical. Half way, de pilate said dat dere was a horrible noise commin from de engines of de Beoing 747, and so he told us, "Don't panic folks, we is gonna make an emurgency landin in Dubbai. But if you knows any good prayers, den let's be havvin dem if you wants to be saved." Well of course, I is saved alreddy, but I did sing a few Calumny Chappel songs, like "Come, Thou holy Parachute." But when we landed it turned out dat Anti Moly had fallen asleep in de tiolet, and it was her snorrin dat was causin de niose and vibbratoin.

We got to Heathroar eventaully, and made our way to Notting Hell, which is a posh part of London. We was admitted into Castle Thopmson by de butler, who is called Will Heaven, it seems dat his parents was very infleunced by de poster above.

Anti Moly was a bit jet-logged wiv gin, so Heaven showed us to our rooms. I has got de Paddy Pio suite, and my dear anti has de Nanny Ogg suite, I aint heard of dat saint before, but she does seem to resemble my dere Anti a little. Dem Cathlics like kissin saints, but I fink even Damain would draw de line at dat one.

Talking of Damain, we heard some loud crashes at aruond 4 a.m. and a male-vice chior singin "Four and twenty vergers came down from Inverness." I later fuond out dat it's called a Rugby song, I spose dat Damain goes to Mass in Rugby sometimes, it's a place in de Midlands dat we may visit.

Now, Damain was very pleased to see me,  but he said he had got a blogg to write just now. Anti Moly was still in de Nanny Ogg room snorrin away her jet-logg, but Damain who is a true professoinal managed to keep typin away, even wiv de cielin vibratin above his head.

Eventaully Anti came down lookin for booze. Damain had to go to de bathroom, and when he came back he said "What's happened to my bottle of Geoffrey Lean Patent Hair-Restorrer?" Apparently, Anti Moly had drunk it, finkin it was gin. So now Damain dont seem to be very pleased wiv us, but perhaps he will soon be charmed by our kind and gentle natures.

Damain is havvin a party soon, and I is lookin forward to meetin all his freinds like Joanne Hairy and Giles Frazor. Anti Moly is lookin forward to meetin Damain's stock of drink.

Götterdamian

I has been asked for more details about de opera Götterdamian, Twilight of de Bloggs, and here is a synopsus dat I fuond.

Damian, king of the blood-crazed ferrets, builds a mighty blog called Telhallah, where heroes such as the legendary Otsota, Mundabor and Bencarta can gather to discuss the eternal verities; they attempt to decide who will be the next Archbishop of Westminster, whether Mario Conti is a real person or just a pasta dish, and why the Daily Telegraph is not published in Latin. As they sit round the fireside, quaffing mead, a pleasant and holy smoke arises from their discussions.

However, the blog is cursed, and the mighty fortress of Telhallah is soon invaded by monsters. First there comes Bosco the Clown, who interrupts every discussion, but he is ignored by almost everyone. Then an army of evil trolls arrives, led by the dragon Judyhaddock and her sidekick the gnome Pholas. All night long they attack the forces of Good.

Damian, horrified by this onslaught, changes tactics completely and attempts to appease the invaders. We learn that  Damian's staff, the symbol of his power, has been shattered... the veteran sage Gerald the Warner is banished to the frozen north, and even the Comedy Friar, George the Pitcher, vanishes. New philosophers, such as Peter of Mullen, take their place in the kingdom, but all are driven mad by the ravings of the Witch of Odone.

Finally, a further horde of trolls, with names such as "Father" Arthur, Daryl and Phil, invades Telhallah, pretending to represent the forces of Good. However, these trolls also ally themselves with the dragon Judyhaddock, who is now reincarnated as Molly the Bandit.

In vain the remaining philosophers attempt to hold the blog together, but Damian himself changes sides, and becomes a standard-bearer for the forces of darkness. The eternal verities are banned from Telhallah, and all that remains is a trivial discussion of celebrities, such as Johann the Hairy and Galloway the Cat-man. The blog disappears in a mighty flamewar, and the whine-maidens sing a final ROFL as eternal darkness falls.

Damain is arressted

We has had de most worryin news. As you know, we is grate freinds wiv Damain Thopmson, who visited us in Lost Angles a few months ago, and spent some time in de funny farm wiv us. We mannaged to save him, and he is no longer a Cathlic blogger (de bloody crazy hammster, as dey used to call him), but is now secrettly a follower of de Calumny Chappel. Such is de evangellical power of my bruvver Bosco's luvvly blogg.

Anyway, Damain decidded to attend a service at de Calumny Chappel in Londdon, and he got arressted! We fink it is de Pop to blame, as if you does apostassy de Pop torchers you. My bruvver Bosco told me dat so it must be true.

We is making all efforts to get him releesed, so dat he can write more luvvly bloggs about Joanne Hairy. We has got suport from de Mare of Londdon, Borris Jonhson, who is very sympathettic to de Calumny Chappel, we fink he may even be saved.

Bruvver Borris have sent a special mesage of symmpathy.

"Cripes! The bounders! Chin up, Damian old fruit, Boris will soon get you out of durance vile. Crikey, what a cad's trick to play on you, fellow scribbler!"

I apollogise for de spelling, I cut and passted Borris's e-male, and frankly we is still trying to decod it.

Anyway, dis photto shows dat Borris is alreddy negottiatin wiv de costume holly man Pop ("What ho, Pop!") So we hopes dat Damain will soon be releesed and writin more of his luvvly bloggs.

Anti Moly is very upset by de news. She has found sollace in drinkin lots of gin, but dis is expenssive, so I gotta put in an advert to pay for it.

---

FOR SALE

VERY BIG HOUSE, ONLY ONE PREVOIUS OWNER (NOW DECAESED)

FREE BONNUS STATUE TO SCARE OFF BURGLERS

APPLY TO FARVER ARFUR, PREIST IN GOOD STANDIN AND ESTATE AGGENT

---

Late news: Farver Arfur is also suporttin de "Releese Damain" campaing. "I has sent a letter to de Pop in Avingon," he says. I fink his adress book needs updattin.

We meets a funny preist

Well here we is at de seeside again (Seel Beech) and here is a pitcher of Bosco directin an outdoors prayer meetin. Note dat we doesnt stand or kneel when we prays, we just walks on de hands in de name of de Lord, singin one of our hynms.

Walk - on de hands,
Walk - on de hands,
Walk - on de hands,
Walk on de hands for de Lord.

We has met many interestin poeple and told dem dat dey wasnt saved like us. However, we may have met our match wiv Farver Arfur of de Church of de Eleven Anonnymouse Cathlics. Dis man was anxiuos to persaude us dat he was a preist, but you wuold never guess, would you?

Anti Moly screemed "Sockpoppet! ROFL!" at him, but she does dat at everyone, even de dentist when he is providin her wiv new flase teef cos de old ones was worn out wiv bitin poeple. So dat dont signiffy nuffink.

Farver Arfur insissted dat he was a preist, and produced a pile of tetsimonials from a lotta well-known people of integgrity like Baron Munchhaussen, Richard Noxin, Jeffrey Arrcher, Mohamed El Fayyed, Tonny Blair and Joanne Hairy. Dese said dat Farver Arfur was a preist in good standin. Well, in fact de accounts varried, some said he was a profit, some said he was a cradinal, and de luvvly Joanne said he was de Pop. So we gotta beleive it. Mind you, Arfur also told us he was a brane surgoen, a nuclaer pyhsicist and an Olymmpic pole-vualter in good standin, he is a man of manny talents.

Well, we aint Cathlic, we is saved poeple, and so we tries not to have much to do with Farver Arfur. When he telephons in de nihgt to say "Hello, I is a preist. Wuold you like to buy de Eiffell Tower?" we just puts de phon down.

All dis is a distractoin from de Lord's work, which is condenming gravven immages, iddles, and costume holly men. We fuond dis gravven image of a costume holly man in Farver Arfur's church, he says it is a saint in good standin, but I aint so sure.

Anti wins a prize

As you all know, my Grate-Anti Moly is a grate admirrer of de fammous blogger Cuttley, who she describes as "saintly, piuos, holly and wise, and not like dat clique of traddy Cathlics." Indeed, when Bosco knocked de head off a stateu of St Peter a month ago, she had anuvver head made, so dat she had an iddle of Cuttley to worhsip. Here it is again.

Anyway, de Tellegrahp held a compettition "Complete de folowwin in not more than 12 extra words: 'My favuorite Tellegrahp blogger is X X becuase ...' and win a stateu of him or her."

Dat's a real chalenge. Does you go for de meek and humble Delingpol what is always warnin us about crabon emmisions? Perhaps de intelect of Broiny Gorddon is what excites you? Or de beuaty of Mary Riddle? Dere is our old freind Damain Thopmson who has done more dan anyone else allive to warn us about de evil Joanne Hairy. Or perhaps you likes Stephen Huogh what plays de pianner in pubs? Or dere's Nomran Tebit and Daneil Hannann, what knows about currant afairs, what a pity dey never went into politicks. Pussonally, I likes wise old Goeffrey Lean who has been an envroinmental coresspondent for 80 years and knows about de dangers of horseless carraiges.

"I's gonna win dis," said Anti Moly. Dis is what she entered.

"My favuorite Tellegrahp blogger is Tom Chivvers becuase he is kind, freindly, cheerfull, cheeky, handsome, sensible, and not a Cathlic."

Anti won, and here is de stattue dat dey has just delivvered. It goes well wiv de stattue of Cuttley.

Of course Tom Chivvers aint saved, but we has high hopes of gettin him to come along to de Calumny Chappel some time, dressed as a clown.

I has just got time to show you a fambly snapp. Dis is my Anti Moly gate crashin de royal weddin of Willaim and Katte, disgiused as a nun (she is de old one wot looks cross). Some time I is gonna have to find out how dis happened. Anti Moly says she was dere incoggnito as a seccret agent to prottect de happy cuople, but it's more likely dat she was simply runnin away from de pollice and took a wrong turning.

Bosco in hopsital

Well, we left our heroes (Bosco and Eccles) lyin in de street outside de local Cathlic churhc, havin been ejjected by de nunns of St Rambo. Dis was simply for tryin to save dem herettics by singin "Bite me, O Thou great Redeemer" durin de Mass. I landed on my head and was not grately injurred, but Bosco he broke lotsa bones, and was taken off to de Generral Hopsital.

I forgot to mention dat Bosco he put up a good fihgt before he was overpowered, as you can see by dis pitcher of de Cathlic churhc after he finished wiv it. It susstained a little structarul dammage.

On Bosco's bed at the hopsital there were various signs. "NIL BY MOUTH. DO NOT RESUCSITATE. WARNING, DIS PATTIENT HAV BITTEN 3 NURSES ALREADY."

Bosco was sittin up in bed readin de "Hummanist Timmes" when Anti Moly and I came in to vissit, barin gifts like de three Maggies. Anti Moly handed over an empty bottle of gin, sayin dat she was sorry but she got thirtsy on de way, and I bruoght him a lovely shirt dat he can wear when Jessus comes, so dat he dont forgit dat Bosco is saved.

"Wossat 'Humorist Times' paper, Bosco?" I asked. "Have it got cartoons? I likes MickyMoss and Donald Duckham, dey always makes me luagh wiv dere commical antix."
"Nope," said Bosco. "It got lotsa fine artickles about de Pop, and how he is repsonsible for de massacre of de innocents cos at de time he was in Herrod's Army. Joanne Hairy says dat he has interveiwed Herrod and he is now ready to reveal de truth. De time for a cover up is over."
"Is de writers saved?" I asked. "Dat's very important, innit?"
"Well, it don't say," replied Bosco, "but dey aint Cathlics, and dat's de most important fing. Dis paper's very good, too, dey're my kind of poeple."
He showed me a copy of "Jihad and Jihadmen", it had a pitcher of a bearded man wiv a hook on de cover. I fought it was Captain Hook, who is in de Peter Pan story dat we has in de Calumny Chappel on Sundays, but dey said he was called Abbo de Hamster.
"What else you got to read, Bosco?" I asked.
"Well, dere's a Gudgeon Bibble here," replied Bosco. "Dat's very good, it's de original King James version, exackly as God wrote it. Afterwards, de Pop transslated it into Greek and Lattin, and made lotsa delliberate errors, cos he didnt want poeple to be saved. For exxample, dere aint no 10 Commandmeants in de Cathlic Bibble."

Bosco turned to anuvver maggazine, and when he saw it he screemed dat Sattan was tormentin him. Dis is de cover.

Den Bosco openned de magazine and saw a pitcher of a nunn makin a cemment iddle, and dat finnished him off. If he hadnt been wearin banddages and straped to de bed, I fink he'd have broken up de hopsital ward.

Dis is de foul fiend dat leads poeple into iddleterry, shockin innit dat dey can pubblish such filth.

I hopes you gits well soon, Bosco.

Anti Moly's new job

Well Bosco, we is lookin forward to Sunday, when we is gonna luanch our coop against de Cathlics, and save dem all by singin hynms. But until den Bosco and me is wonderin how Anti Moly will cope wiv her new job as a Banshee.

"Who exackly is we workin for?" Anti Moly asked de Angle of Death. "Is it Jessus or Sattan? Not dat I is prejudissed one way or de uvver, I is very open-minded."
"We is a freelance buisness," replied de Angle, "and we does contracts for all sorts of poeple. God, Sattan, de Democrates, de Republickans, de Bhuddists, de Salivation Army, de Lost Angles Dodgers, de Mafia, de Barclays bruvvers, Joanne Hairy, James Dellingpoll, anyone who wants to scare poeple to death. But I is never allowed to reveel who is de client."
"Does I have to dress up and look horrid?" asked Anti Moly.
"Nope, you is scarry enough already," said de Angle of Death (her real name is Mrs Riddle, so I is gonna use dat from now on).

Here is Anti Moly goin out to work, she is a dere old lady and we is very fond of her.

I'd quite like to go wiv her some time to see how she gits on.

Well, it's bin a quiet day, except dat Bosco is havin trouble wiv one of de ornnaments in his bedroom. He entered de Tellegraph's "Geuss de next 3 blogg topicks of Damain Thopmson" compettition. Bosco he said dey was gonna be Joanne Hairy, de Ordinariet, and den Joanne Hairy again, so he won de prize, it's a stattue of St Cristina de Odd One. However, he says de stattue is cryin real tears, in fact it keeps sobbin in de night dat it wants to go home again rather than be in purggatory, viz Bosco's beddroom. I spose dats a mircale Bosco but its a bit of a niusance, innit?

So if annyone knows how to cheer up a homesick stattue, we will be very pleased, won't we Bosco?

Bosco in love

Bosco's girlfiend, Camila, wot lives near de cemettery, came round to see us last nihgt. She says she used to be a Cathlic, but den she got bitten by evanggelism. We oferred her a drink and she asked "Does you perchance has any blud?" Dis aint part of our ussual ciusine, but lukcily Anti Moly had a bottle handy, she says dat someone came round while we was out who looked like he mihgt be a Cathlic. I fink it is best to ask no questions here, at least we has got some refreshmeant for Camila. We also offerred Bosco’s beautiful lady a jiucy stake but she was offendded, I dont know why. Bosco adorres her, and everyone sez she is just the sort of person to clam him down a little when he gets wild.

Dis is Camila and a wooden bed she sleeps in, it is a luvvly photo.

After his award from "Pervo Times", Bosco's blogg have gained him another prize, dis time from de Dawkins foundation wot is run by a grate scholar in Oxford who got borred wiv playing with test tubes and took up thoelogy. Although stricly speaking dese peeple is athiests, and so hasnt been saved, dey is very sound when it comes to persecuttin Cathlics, so we regards dem as our bruvvers wiv just a few docktrinal diferrences. De award dis time is a luvly pair of St Boxo shorts, which my dere bruvver plans to ware on his head so dat everryone can see what kind of person he is.

I has been ticked off by Bosco for reveelin dat Damain Thopmson have converted to de Calumny Chappel, as dis is a seccret at present. Damain will continnue writing non-religgious blogs about Joanne Hairy until someone notice dat he is avoiddin de subject of de Cathlic church (frankly, he is scarred dat Cristinna Oddone will find out and beet him up, she’s a tuogh lady).

Bosco aint very popular wiv de Calumny Chappel right now, as he recenttly gave a Bibble class to de under-12s, and de hospital said dey was overworked as a result, viz. 6 broken noses, 8 broken arms, 4 cases of concusion, and one leg bitten off completelly. Well dem kids was nuaghty and Bosco had to disscipline dem nobody could objecct to dat. He told de little boys and girls dat dey would end up in de lake of fire, and dat dey would not be saved. He is a kind bruvver to me, and I can tetsefly dat he only does dese things in order to help peeple.

PS I found dis in de garden under Anti Moly's window, I fink it is someone who aint saved.

Bosco's new blogg

I was explanin dat Bosco had got a new much larger nose, owin to de intervvention of St Peter, and dat dis was a mark of favour from de Lord, meaning dat Bosco is even more saved dan he was before.

One of de friuts of de Spirit was dat we got an e-mail from Damain Thopmson, de editor of de Telegrahp bloggs. Damain met us a few months ago when he was in Callifornia. He was sayin dat dere werent so many religgious bloggs as dere used to be (George Pitcher too worried about his bruvver, Geralld Warner sacked, Cristina Oddone gettin a bit crazy, etc. etc.) Damain himself is only writin bloggs about Joanne Hairy and Rebecka Brooks, so what de Telegrahp needs is an incissive commontater on religious topics.

I cuold do it myself, but Bosco is de master of Engglish prose, de langauge of Shakespare and Jeffrey Archer. Damain said, "Well, before we gives you a contract to write a Telegrahp blogg, could you suggest 10 topics dat you mihgt write about?"

Here is Bosco's list.
1. Cathlics aint saved.
2. Cathlics is idolaters wot kiss statues.
3. Don't be a Cathlic, dey is bad.
4. If you is Cathlic you gotta keep bits of corpses in de fridge.
5. Bosco is saved, Eccles is saved, but de Pop aint saved.
6. Dem Cathlics wont stop worshippin gravven images.
7. Its better to be an athiest dan a Cathlic, you never see dem bowin to images.
8. Look I told you folks, you is gonna go to Hell if you are Cathlic.
9. Didnt de Pop burn 10,000 peeple last week for owning a Bibble?
10. Cathlics! Aintcha sickofem?

Damain was a bit stuned and he said he'd let Bosco know, perhaps it mihgt be better to ask de fammous lawyer chap who keeps writin bloggs complanin about his kids wot cant sing.

Bosco finks I should mention a pssalm from de Book of Chuck, what we recites in our Calumny Chappel worhsip:

Roses is red,
Voilets is blue.
I has been saved,
How about you?

Bosco my dere, de Calumny Chappel is alreddy venerratin you wiv your long nose. Look what we got here.

Bosco is concused

Ullo Bosco, my derest bruvver, you go and have a lie-down while I explanes what happened today.

We got Grate-Ant Molly settled in a room wiv a winder overlookin de rode, so dat if anyone came past she could go out and screem abbuse at dem, dis is called a hobby. We also got wirless internet, so she can keep up wiv de discussions on de bloggs. Dere is some scandle involvin Joanne Hairy, de chap what came and interviwed Bosco, and dis means dat Grate-Ant Molly needs to pick on all de Cathlics on de blogg and call dem names, dis is called inteliggent debate.

Well, Bosco was in de front gardden getting ready to kiss an ornnament dat we put there. It is Saint Peter de fisherman and here he is.

Suddenly a lapptop computter came flyin out of de winder of Anti Molly's room, together with a screem of "Lies! All lies! I was never banned!"

Bosco was underneeth, and got concused. From then on, he have been behavin very strangley... I don't mean his normal ecentricties, much worse. He said he had been a sinnful person and wanted to confess and get absollution. Dis is what Cathlics do (in de Calumny Chappel we knows dat we is saved and so dere is no need to worry about sins). So he went off to see Father X. O'Cise who lives neerby.

About five hours later I gotta phone call, "Dis is Fr O'Cise, can you come and colect Bosco, he is confessin his sins, and so far have only got up to de age of 9 months when he frew his teddy bare out of de pram sayin it was an iddle. I cant take any more of dis."

Bein a good bruvver I brought Bosco home (Anti Molly had gone out to buy gin). He is still concused as he says he wants to apollogise for tryin to kill me. I fink he's confussed as I certainly aint notissed him killin me.

Here is de first iddle dat Bosco tried to desstroy when he was a luvly baby.

Bosco is interveiwed

My dere bruvver Bosco is too modest to say dis, but he hav become a celebritty on account of his evangellical activities, viz goin up to old ladies in de street and sayin "You aint saved buster. Gimme some cash." So we was not suprised when de Lake Hellsinere Papper sent round its star jounalist, John Hairy, to interveiw Bosco. Dis Hairy he said "Well I aint much good at talkin to people, has you got any writtings dat I can copy out, Mr Bosco?"

We showed him Bosco's luvvly blogg, and Mr Hairy he said "Er, yes, I gotta go to de men's room quick," and den he ruhsed off to vomitt.
"Was it de pitchers?" asked Bosco. "De one of my girlfiend is a little scary if you hasnt seen mummyfied copses before."
"Nope," said Mr Hairy, "It was de grahpic descriptoin of boddily functions. Even in de days befor dey sakced me from de Indepandant we wasnt allowed to menshun dat sort of stuff ecxept when writin about Ryan Gigs."
I dont fink dis interveiw wiv Bosco will ever get printted.

Meanwhile de Calumny Chappel is suing de Battman people for pinchin our saccred loggo wot we bows down to, cos dey has got one simillar:

Woss more de Battman flims has got a charracter called de Jokker wot is evidenttly based on Pastor Parsell of de Calumny Chappel.

We is gettin a leedin firm of lawyers, viz Cutley, Dastardly and Mutley, to look into dis. It aint rihgt dat de sincere beleifs of people should be mokced (unless dey is Cathlics).