Pope Francis becomes a constitutional monarch

Catholics have the difficult task of reconciling the following two propositions:

1. The Pope is the Vicar of Christ, the successor of St Peter, the big cheese of the Universal Church, and an all-round infallible bloke.

2. Pope Francis spends all his time making a fool of himself, his knowledge of Catholic doctrine is at best hazy, and he has the mindset of a South American dictator.

As a result of the GLORIOUS REVOLUTION OF 2018, the Pope is henceforth a constitutional monarch, whose duties are limited to opening supermarkets, having tea with visiting dignitaries, and carefully avoiding the expression of an opinion on any subject whatsoever.

"And what do YOU do?"

In the end, a Pope limited to purely ceremonial activities (for example, he may offer Mass, but is forbidden to preach a homily) is a lot less trouble all round. "But won't we miss the encyclicals and apostolic exhortations?" you ask. Well, actually, no we won't. We are already bombarded with far too much stuff from popes. Given that Catholic teaching does not and *cannot* change, why do we need more verbose stuff with Latin titles to tell us this?

Ah, you may say, some issues never arose in previous centuries. Do transgender men cause climate change? Is it sinful to eat crocodiles on a Friday? How about crocodile-skin handbags? Should we destroy the Daleks, or would they be saved if they switched to wind power?

A Doctor of the church discusses theology with a leading Jesuit.

Well, there's no point asking the Pope to rule on these issues. Synods don't seem to be the answer, as Cardinal Baldisseri will only rig them. Ho hum, it may be all down to Ignatian discernment (= guesswork) after all.

Anyway, these are minor issues, and can be sorted out, provided that the general policy is conservative, i.e., change nothing.

"Have you come far?"

The Pope will of course be allowed to make a Christmas broadcast, just as his opposite number Queen Elizabeth, the Supreme Governor of the Anglican Church does.

"In January we visited Chile, and I had great pleasure addressing cheering crowds, which in some cases ran into double figures. I had such a good time that I have persuaded my friend Archbishop Scicluna to go there for a little winter break. We have also been making friends with the Chinese, and they tell us that from now on they will save us the trouble of appointing bishops, but simply pick them from the Central Committee of the Communist Party! Why didn't we think of that before? Also I opened a new abortion clinic on the invitation of my good friend Mrs Bonino..."

Uneasy lies the head that wears a crown.

Yes, from now on Catholicism makes a lot more sense. And when we get a new Pope, we can go back to the old system.

Do students of Christianity need a trigger warning?

The normally rather saved Professor Stephen Bullivant has written that students of Christianity need a trigger warning, because they may see distressing images. We asked a few students for their opinions.

Bernadette Snowflake, studying Christianity, Human Flourishing and Liberation Theology, University of Roehampton.

Oh definitely. Although, I'm not too bothered about images of crucifixion, torture, decapitation, rape, and martyrdom: after all, I can see these things on the BBC children's programmes every day. Did you watch their latest dramatisation of Pride and Prejudice? I thought the bit where Mr Collins was eaten by a crocodile was really meaningful and relevant - all right, it was only implied in Jane Austen's novel, but seeing the animal chewing his vital organs one by one was really artistically necessary. And my baby brother liked it too.

The Bennet sisters cheering on the crocodile.

No, what triggers me is the general homophobia, transphobia, femininophobia, and brutality in the New Testament. Who does this character Christ think he is, choosing male disciples? Also, my friend Rebecca is vegan and has a gluten allergy, so she literally threw up when she read about 5,000 wicked people gorging themselves on bread and fish.

Lastly, someone mentioned Heaven and Hell. I've been to Luton, so the idea of Hell doesn't frighten me, but some of my friends found the whole idea very unpleasant. And, anyway, I'm sure Pope Francis has told us that Hell doesn't exist.

I wish I'd taken a less stressful degree course, now. Perhaps Professor Spadaro's Advanced Logic Course?

Austen Allegro, studying Church History and Marxist Studies, Jesuit University of Little Snoring.

Church History is a fascinating subject, and largely consists of people shouting "heretic" at each other, after which the winner gets to burn, decapitate, or torture the loser. But this is perfectly normal human behaviour, and in my family we had no scruples about feeding Auntie Alice to the dogs when we caught her wearing a mantilla at Mass.

However, things have definitely turned nasty these days. I need a trigger warning when I see the name of Cardinal Burke - a man whose actions are more shocking than those of all the Tudor monarchs combined. The way he and his accomplices asked the pope "What rules are we playing by these days, Holy Father?" reminds me of the worst excesses of Hitler. Or Donald Trump. Or Nigel Farage.

I want my Mummy!

Only cute pets can go to Heaven

As is usual nowadays, Fr Federico Lombardi has clarified the off-the-cuff remarks of Pope Francis that all God's creatures are saved. "What the Holy Father really said," he explained, "is that all cute animals are saved." The offer does not apply to the Hound of the Baskervilles, for example; and pit bull terriers will still end up in the pits of Hades.

Cute enough to be saved.

It was explained that, whereas Jesus died to save humans from their sins, animals as such do not have a great idea of the difference between Good and Evil, being in that respect something like Members of Parliament or Guardian-readers. For instance, how do you tell the difference between a good crocodile and a bad crocodile when it's biting your leg off? Moreover, it would be inconvenient to have crocodiles wandering round Heaven, even ones equipped with angels' wings.

An optimistic crocodile sings "Amazing Grace".

C.S. Lewis once said that a Heaven for mosquitoes could be combined with a Hell for humans. Nowadays, modern teaching has largely abolished the idea of Hell, and Good and Evil are replaced with Niceness - see the Niceone Creed for details. Nevertheless, being able to decide whether one is saved simply on the basis of one's Cuteness applies only to animals, and not to humans. For example, many of the saints were not at all cute.

John the Baptist - as un-cute as Russell Brand but still saved.

Fr Lombardi added that simply possessing a cute pet was not an automatic guarantee for salvation: the pet itself would have to abandon its owner in the afterlife. Cats, for example, will do this without any scruples.

Only one of these is saved. Can you work out which it is?

According to Biblical teaching, God has decided that sheep are saved, and goats are not; this does indeed follow the principle of "cuteness", as goats are not generally regarded as cute animals. Indeed it is hard to imagine Pope Francis trying to gain credibility by walking around with an unsaved goat round his neck. Q.E.D.

The Pope poses with a saved creature.

How to pray

The Bible gives several useful tips on what to say when you pray, but is less clear when it comes to matters of posture. Our experts have identified five possible positions you may choose to adopt.

Kneeling, the old-fashioned way (Posture 5, below).

1. Standing. This is very popular nowadays (even in parts of the Extraordinary Form Mass), although a pedant might argue that it goes against Matthew 6:5, And when ye pray, you shall not be as the hypocrites, that love to stand and pray in the synagogues and corners of the streets, that they may be seen by men. Moreover, it means that anyone behind you who is kneeling cannot see what is going on.

The 5 sacred postures.

This aside, there are four postures which make use of the pews/seats:

2. Sitting, and leaning back. This is roughly as antisocial as tilting your seat back on an aeroplane. It limits the possible postures adopted by the person behind you - of the ones listed below, your neighbour can still manage 3, but 4 and 5 will be prevented.

Ladies, no slouching, please!

3. Sitting, and leaning forward. Bad for the back muscles, but perhaps the best if you refuse to kneel.

4. Sit/kneeling, with backside on seat and knees on the hassock/kneeler/cushion embroidered with a picture of Micky Mouse (whichever your church provides).

The pope is unimpressed by a bishop's praying posture.

5. Kneeling, with backside unsupported, and body leaning against seat in front. This is surely the most recommended for saved persons, if possible. Of course it is also the most tiring.

An alternative praying position, not discussed here.

Well, now we come to today's question of church etiquette.

QUAERITUR: The lady in front of me is a "Position 2" pray-er, and sits right back when she prays. Thus, when I adopted my own favourite Position 5, I got my hands tangled in her hair. She then switched to Position 3 (leaning forward), at the same time tutting loudly. Should I now keep the territory gained, or should I retreat to Position 4 (sit/kneeling)?

FATHER E. writes: Oh, you must keep the territory gained. Perhaps you can somehow make use of an umbrella, firearm, cuddly toy, or whatever else you carry with you, to help you hold your position.

... or whatever else you carry with you...

De relicks of Anti Moly

I aint blogged about my Anti Moly recently, but reggular readers will know dat she was put in a care home after she bit de postman in de leg (a misunderstandin cuased by drinkin too much hair restorrer). It's OK we now has a new postman, and so dey said dat it was time to release Anti Moly.

A team of postmen preparing to deliver a letter to Anti Moly

Anti Moly's time in de care home was a little trubbled, but we aint gonna mentoin that.

Anti Moly's care home after anuvver misunderstandin

De team at Castle Thopmson was very pleased to welcome Anti Moly back, and Will Heaven de Butler invited her to try a new cocktail he had invented, consistin of gin, Delingpol anti-freeze, fresh ferret-blood, and a slice of lemon.

Damain himself is also back home, but dey keeps him in a dark room, only lettin him out once a week to write bloggs about addictoin. We hears loud groans from his room, "Cristina, dey all hates me, you is my only friend," as Muvver Odone de cook brings him his pizza.

"Well, you may be right, Damain," replies Muvver Odone, who aint one to tell lies.

Now we aint yet got to de subject of de blogg, but de story is dat Anti Moly frew her false teef out of de window at a passing Cathlic preist. He had come to interview Damain for De Tabloid, a well-known Cathlic comic full of silly hearsays pretendin to be Cathlic doctrin.

Alas, I aint got a photo of Anti Moly's false teef, but here is an artist's impressoin.

Anti Moly's false teef (artist's impressoin)

We was horrified to see dat de preist, when he recovered consciuosness, cried out "Dis is a gift from de Lord," and took the teef away wiv him. Apparently dem Cathlics like veneratin relics, and de sacred teef of Anti Moly is even now bein taken round de country, so dat poeple can pray to dem.

Apparently, de teef is so used to sayin "Woeful," "Sockpoppet," and "Such is life eh" dat dey can now say dese spiritaul phrases even when dey aint in de mouf of my belloved Anti. Dis may be described as a miracule, and maybe my Anti will be saved after all.

Anti Moly is drownin her sorrows in de usual way, and stayin up late to insult poeple on Damain's latest blogg (which, surprisingly, is about addictoin again). We has ordered some new false teef from de Pottymouth Crocodile Centre, where she got de last ones, and dey will soon arrive in de post, if any postman is brave enuogh to delliver em.

Relliquarry containin Anti Moly's false teef, decorated wiv St George and de Dragon

Lotsa news items

Well we got to Anti Moly's home in Austriala, where we is stayin for a while before we goes to look for Cradinal Pell. For de first time, I can show Anti Moly's many admirrers a pitcher of her standin by her Pottymouth home.

My dere Anti showed me a wooden challet in de gardden where I is gonna sleep.

Fiddo is Lattin for "faithfull," and she told me she wrote it on de challet in case de Angle of de Lord drops by lookin for saved pussons. Dere is snakes and spidders in de gardden, but Anti told me it was OK if I didn't keep dem awake wiv my snorin'. Reassured by dis, I has been sleepin a lot as I was quite jetlogged.

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We got news from my bruvver Bosco, who we last saw sittin on a pole. De nuns at our local convent was feelin a bit short-staffed as some of dem had been eaten by crockodiles, so dey has appointed Bosco as a securitty gaurd. He says dat bein on de inside is de only way dat he can save dese nuns, so I wonder if he is gonna be dressin like a nun in future so as to blend in?

If you ever sees a very plane-lookin nun, try sayin "Ullo Bosco" to her, cos she may be my big bruvver.

Crockodiles is a well-known hazzard in de Cathlic churhc. Here is a pitcher of one of Richard Dakwins's freinds tryin to kill de Pop wiv one.

We aint got any more phottos, but it seems dat de Pop managed to wrestle dis fearsome beast into submission before it cuold bite his leg off. Anti Moly was disappointed and she said "Dat yuong man must have amazin strenght."

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I heard dat Archbishopp Vincent Nicolas, who is de English top cosstume hollyman, is very disappointed dat he aint become a Cradinal yet, wiv a red fish hat. Someone sent me dis photto which suggests dat he is keepin his optoins open, and maybe lookin for a new career runnin a restuarant.

In de Cathlic churhc if de Pop don't like your face, den you gotta get out before he sends de Inquisitoin ruond to beat you up. Everryone knows dat.

We goes to Austriala

We got a letter from de Austrialan govermnent, sayin dat Anti Moly is allowed to go back dere wivvout bein locked up, providded dat a responsibble person come wiv her to keep an eye on her. Dat's grate news, as Anti wants to go lookin for Cradinal Pell, wot used to be sweet on her before he became a cosstume holly man.

Bosco is still sittin on a pole medditatin about how he is de only saved pusson in Callifornia, so Anti have persauded me to go wiv her. De call of love is strong, and Cradinal Pell gonna have a nice surprise.

Anti Moly's eyes filled with nostallgic tears, as she showed me a postcard of her home town, where we is goin.

We has had to buy 3 seats on de aeroplain, as Anti wants to take her iddle of St Cuttley wiv her. She says dat she prefers talkin to de iddle and not me, as de iddle don't answer back (dem's creul words, Anti). But I doesn't know how she is gonna survive a long flihgt wivvout interrnet access, she will miss all de excitin debaits on Damain's blogg.

Dere was also de probblem of what to do wiv de 4 crockodiles dat Anti buoght recently as part of her campaing to be poppular. When Didgeridoo Airlines told us dat crockodiles wasnt allowed in de aeroplain wiv her, we went round to de local Cathlic convent and dropped em all down de chimney of de Muvver Superoir. Here is one of dem peerin out frew a window of de convent, sayin to itself in crockodile, "My, dat was a most deliciuos nun! Wot's for puddin?"

At de airport securitty, Anti Moly had grate probblems, as dey wuoldn't let her take six bottles of gin onto de aeroplain as hand lugage, and she screemed at dem when dey made her go frew a specail x-ray. Here is de luvvly x-ray photto dey took of my dere Anti gettin cross. She is sayin "Woeful", perhaps I orta add a speech bubble.

So here we is waitin to board de plain for Austriala, where excittin adventures beckons. I was askin Anti if she was gonna introdduce me to her Austrialan freinds, and she said "I aint got any freinds, I hates dem all! But I has got some ennemies who aint too bad, I suppose."

Anyways, I hopes dere is a Calumny Chappel in Pottymouth, cos I is a saved pusson,and bessides, I is gonna need to stock up on cemment doves.

How to be poppular

Anti Moly was feelin a little unhappy todday, I cuold tell by de way she burst into tears after tippin her bowl of cronflakes over me (I had forgotten to add de gin). It turns out dat she is upset cos she gets de impressoin dat she aint a poppular pusson.

"Dere is poeple on Damain's blogg who allways gits dere comments reccommended by de traddy Cathlic sockpoppet clique," she told me, "and de ones dat gets de most reccommends is de ones dat is nasty about me."

One of de poeple she is jeallous of is a chap in Spane. "He got 4 donkeys," said Anti Moly. "I is gonna outwit him by gittin 5 donkeys and writin a luvvly blogg about dem." Dis is a pitcher of Anti Moly havvin a test drive on a donkey. De poor donkey aint very happy wiv de load.

So we decidded to go for somefink else, and Anti Moly remembered dat when she was a child she pestered her parents to give her a pet crockodile.
"But aint de savage temper and de viscous teeth gonna cuase probblems?" asked her Mom.
"Dey alreddy does," said Moly's Dad, "but I expect dat crockodiles can defend demselves against our Moly OK."

So little Moly got a pet crockodile, or maybe it was an alligattor.

Nowadays de viscous teeth aint a probblem, except when she leaves dem on a chair and we sits on em by mistake. Bosco used to be fond of sayin "Bite me!" until dat happenned.

So, in her old age, Anti Moly is lookin forward to gettin 4 crockodiles, and takin dem to town to help carry home de shoppin. She is gonna make videoes of dem dancin, and put dem on her blogg, as well as on Youtub. It's a pity she is too late for Chritsmas, or she could have given de crockodiles red Farver Chritsmas hats.

I gotta admitt dat red hats is a sore point wiv Anti Moly, at pressent, as Cradinal Pell is still refussin to reply to her letters and e-males, or even to admit dat he was ever sweet on her. Perhaps we can get de crocks to wear black Farver Arfur hats (dey is called berettas), so dat dey can be crockodiles in good stand-in.

So I fink dat Anti Moly has cracked de probblem of how to be a poppular pusson wiv an excitin blogg. Dis puts her in good companny wiv me, Bosco, rabit, St Cuttley (de one who writes a blogg sayin how horrid his kids is), and dem Pure Traddy Cathlics wot aint saved.

Now we is wonderin whevver we can do somefink to make Farver Arfur poppular. Arfur is seen above givvin de last rights to someone - dis is what Cathlic cosstume holly men does to make sure dat poeple knows when de Pop wants dem to die. After Farver Arfur started readin out a list of all his worst sins, de chap in the photto said dat Death wuold come as a mercifull releese.

Anti Moly's world tuor

When we was little, Anti Moly took Bosco and me on a world tuor to broadden our minds. Mom was very glad to have us off her hands for a few weeks, although Bosco was about 15, and de teecher said he ought to stay at shcool and learn to read and write as well as what I does.

We went first to Gibralltar, as Anti Moly had heard a rumuor dat Cradinal Pell wuold be visitin - you will recall dat he had escapped her affections by jumpin into a billaboing and den becommin a Cathlic preist. Here is a tuochin pitcher of Bosco sunbathin near de famuos Rock of Gibralltar (when he was little he didnt allways dress up as a clown of cuorse).

We didnt find Cradinal Pell, and Anti got into truoble when we tried to leave, as de Customms poeple said she was stealin a rock ape, I cant imaggine why. But Bosco looked just like his passport photto, so dey had to let him go.

Next we went to Tibbet to see de Dolly Llama. Anti had met dis cosstume holly man before in 1920 when she was a little girl and he charmed her wiv lotsa gin. Now she came back, but it was a different Dolly Llama, who said he was reincranated, but only drinks tea, so she told him he was a fruad. Still dis new Dolly chap said dat if she was good Anti Moly wuold be reincranated as a croccodile. If he is rihgt, then Bosco and Moly will look like dis, not much of a change really.

Still, for Anti Moly its de best you can do when you aint saved like Bosco and me, what will be wearin our golden crowns by de sea of glass. Dis worries me, in fact, as how is we supposed to jump in de sea of glass for a swim wivvout gettin cut to pieces? I asked Bosco and he said I was stuppid, saints doesnt get hot and need to swim. I aint so sure about dat, I gonna ask Pastor Recippe some day.

Anti Moly also took us to clibm up Ayyers Rock in Austriala, cos dis is a saccred place to de Aborrigines, bein a place linked wiv de fammuos dreemtime in dere mythollogy. So Anti Moly went and laid on de top and promptly started snorrin.

De Aborrigines wasnt too pleased dat she was dreemin wivvout a permitt, and sent one of de cosstume holly men to frow us off. Dat fing he's carry is called a boomerrang, aldough it don't go BOOM it go CRACK when it hits a sleepin lady and wakes her. She tried to frow it back, but it hit her in de face, you has to be an aborrigine to frow dem propperly.

Bosco, since dis chap dresses like us in de Calumny Chappel, I fink he mihgt be a little bit saved, dont you?

N.B. I has not blogged about All Saints (Novvember 1st), which is de day when we saved poeple in de Calumny Chappel pats ourselves on de back for bein saints who is alreddy specail freinds wiv Jessus. We was standin outsside de Chappel when a polliceman walked past and said "Grate Helloween cosstumes guys, but aint you a day late?" I dunno what he meant.

Cradinal Pel

De world is not kind to my Anti Moly, indeed many poeple calls her a senille old bat. Howevver dey wuold understand her better if dey knew more about de grate unrequitted luv affair of her life.

When Anti Moly was a yuong girl of 43 in Austriala, she fell in luv wiv a chap called Goerge Pel, who was a devuot Cathlic (he was about 20 years old I fink). Dey used to go for many a romantic walk beside de billaboing, which is an Austrialan pond - at least she used to chase after him, and he wuold dive into de billaboing to escape her attentoins. Dere was croccodiles in dem billaboings, but dat didnt stop him, he was so anxiuos for a swim.

Here is a sweet photto of Anti Moly as a yuong girl, de rose of Pottymouth dey used to call her. How cuold dat brute Goerge Pel resist her charms, you is surely askin yousself.

Well, de romance was domed, like Romoe and Juleit, or Bony and Clyd. Goerge Pel ran away to train as a Cathlic preist, and ever since then, Anti Moly has had a fannatical hattred of Cathlics. Well, Cathlics aint saved so we hates dem too.

I aint got a photto of Goerg Pel when he was a yuong lad, but here is a photto of him wearin a fish hat. Bosco says fish hats is cool, and he is gonna get one to wear in de bath.

Curiously it seems dat Goerge Pel (who is now a Cradinal) might be a cousin of Father X. Pel de Mons, de man what used to try and give Bosco and me Cathlic instruxion and is now in a home for nervvous wrecks.

Here is a recent photto of Fr Xavier, you may notice dat he have been infleunced slightly by de custtoms of de Calumny Chappel, but he still got his costume holly man dog collar on.

Well, we finks dat Anti left Austriala to forget her unrequitted luv, its a very sad storry, innit?