Celebrities move to Belgium

Belgium has long been an attractive place for tax exiles: for example, in recent years the rock singer Johnny Hallyday and the actor Gérard Depardieu have both applied for Belgian citizenship. And this week, Adolf Hitler, 124, a retired politician, announced that he and some close friends would also be moving to the land of the sprout.

Hitler begins his house-hunting.

Herr Hitler had formerly been a resident of North Korea; however, as he says laughingly, "The political system there is great, but I get a bit tired of hot dogs made from real poodles. With the passing of this new law in Belgium, permitting the euthanasia of children, I feel I am really moving to a country that suits me."

Hitler has long been an admirer of Belgium - indeed, for a few years in the 1940s he owned it - although he never dreamed that his ideas would come back into fashion so soon. However, not all Belgians welcome the new law, and Mlle Lisa Colbert, for one, is planning to set up a resistance movement, or "secret army" to rescue children.

We'll be sending children "down the line" to Spain.

Following concerns expressed by Syria, the United Nations is expected to take some time off Vatican-bashing, to look into the situation. Said a spokesman, "We have received a proposal from the United States, that we should try air strikes on Belgium - according to Barack Obama, dropping bombs on people is the best way to help them - and we are seriously considering the possibility."

"Live long and prosper (unless you're ill)!" says Prime Minister Elio di Rupo.

Suicide, euthanasia, and abortion have long been important parts of Belgian culture. Explained one doctor: "People wake up one day, and say to themselves My God! I'm a Belgian! For many, this is such shocking news that they feel obliged to end it all on the spot."

A traditional welcoming sign at the Belgian border.

Before the new euthanasia law comes into force, it must receive the royal assent from King Philippe of Belgium, who is a devout Catholic and a regular reader of this blog. We advise him to abdicate to avoid putting his signature to this law, as did his uncle, King Baudouin when abortion was legalised, although this will not save Belgium. And where Belgium leads, can the rest of Europe be far behind? Another famous Belgian is on the case (and we don't mean Hercule Poirot).

We're working on a new "euthanasia" directive, to apply to the whole of the EU.

Vatican criticises UN over child abuse

This week, the United Nations came under intense pressure from the Catholic Church, having been asked to explain its brutal treatment of children.

The sinister organization run by Fr Ban Ki-moon.

In a hard-hitting report, the Vatican pointed out that the UN in general took a very anti-child attitude, even supporting the murder of babies in the womb. Moreover, even children who survived the first nine months of life were in grave danger. As Fox News pointed out, children are being poisoned in Syria, forced into the army in Uganda, and sold for sex in Thailand. Even liberal Catholics concede that this is - by and large, and taking all things into consideration - against the Spirit of Vatican II.

Ban Ki-moon. Note the Satanic symbols on his shirt.

Perhaps the most sinister part of the UN is the so-called "Security Council", where notorious tyrants, such as Xi Jinping of China, Vladimir Putin of Russia, François Hollande of France, Barack Obama of the United States, and David Cameron of the United Kingdom, send representatives to discuss new ways of tormenting children: for example, by "air strikes" on any country that gets in their way.

Pope Francis asks Ban Ki-moon to explain his shirt (not shown).

Meanwhile, in England, God's representative in London, Cardinal-elect Vincent Nichols, has been at the forefront of attacks on the UN, even going so far as to mutter to himself "Hmmph, this really is not on!" when he read about their activities in the Guardian.

Rebels against the UN: these ladies refuse to sign up to the cult of Ban Ki-mono.