The Year of Mercy - your questions answered

Well, the Extraordinary Jubilee of Mercy is going swimmingly, but some people have sent us questions about it, so Uncle Eccles will see what he can do.

The logo by Marko Rupnik S.J., aged 7.

Today I accidentally went OUT through the Door of Mercy, rather than IN. Since then I have been feeling particularly merciless. Should I be worried?

It is permitted to leave church by the Door of Mercy, but to avoid any ill-effects you should reverse out, trying not to collide with anyone who may be coming in. Still, do take the opportunity to go IN again through the door, as soon as possible.

How many times do I have to go in through the Door of Mercy to get a badge?

You can be shown mercy even unto seventy-times-seven times. Make sure that your card is stamped by someone in authority.

I enjoyed Pope Benedict's Year of Faith, and now I am enjoying the Year of Mercy. What shall we see next?

It is unlikely that this pope will designate any more special years, even if he continues in office for a long time. However (according to the Jesuits) there should be many other cardinal virtues, so that we may see a Year of Hospitality, a Year of Humility, or a Year of Vigilance.

Pope-to-be Dolan enjoys the Year of Hospitality.

I want to use the logo as the basis of a cartoon strip Mercy Man about a skiing instructor with two heads. Would that be OK?

No, the logo is protected by copyright, and can only be used in spiritually nourishing contexts, such as this blog.

I have heard the Year of Mercy chant by Paul Inwood with amazement. Will he be writing any more music?

I'm afraid so. We did try to stop him, by sending in a rogue piano tuner to retune all his keys to the wrong notes. However, he never even noticed. What can one do?

"I'm playing all the right notes - but not necessarily in the right order."

Religious predictions for 2013

January. Paul Inwood complains of the repetitiveness of so many traditional Christmas carols, objecting that he was asked to sing "Oh come let us adore him" three times in each verse of Oh come all ye faithful.

February. The Editor of the National Catholic Reporter resigns in disgrace, and the position is offered to Fr John Zuhlsdorf. However, Fr Z declines, as he has just been appointed Bishop of the Blogosphere.

Episcopus Blogospherae.

March. Justin Welby is enthroned as the new Archbishop of Canterbury. In a moving sermon he pays tribute to the National Health Service, to his predecessor (Baron Waffles of Mumbles) and to his trade union, the National Union of BIshops and LEaders (NUBILE). As an afterthought he mentions God.

April. Tina Beattie holds a grand birthday party, and invites the Pope, Bishop Declan Lang, President Mary Lyons of San Diego, Charles Moore, and James MacMillan. They all accept with enthusiasm. Two days before the party is due to take place, Prof. Beattie cancels all the invitations, saying "fooled you!"

May. The Tablet conducts another survey, asking readers which of the "eight commandments" they think is most relevant to the present day. After it is tactfully pointed out that the canonical number of commandments is ten, Catherine Pepinster withdraws the survey, replacing it with one in which she asks people "How many of the six persons of the Trinity can you name?"

Moses - a Tablet reader.

June. Giles Fraser fulfils his heart's desire on being sent to prison for conducting a marriage ceremony involving three men and an elephant.

July. World Youth Day, Rio de Janeiro. The Pope is involved in an embarrassing situation, when the security guards refuse to admit him, saying that he "looks at least 30." Luckily, he gets in using a Vatican Young Person's Rail Card.

The Pope - looking more youthful every year.

August. It is revealed that Mrs Gladys Mills was a pious Catholic and the grandmother of Damian Thompson. In his new biography Granny Gladys, Damian reveals how he used to go round to her house for cupcakes and a recital of Rachmaninov's latest hits.

September. Richard Dawkins abandons work on his latest theological treatise, 101 ways to kill a Catholic, and comments, "You know, maybe they have a point after all."

October. The Church of England holds another synod. David Cameron posts armed guards outside the doors, and says that nobody will be allowed to leave until they have voted to ordain women bishops. He later denies trying to interfere with the religious freedom of the Church of England.

Did anyone bring some sandwiches?

November. The Year of Faith comes to an end. Liberal Catholics say they found the whole idea too controversial, and propose a Year of Doubt instead.

December. The second film in the Hobbit trilogy (based on books by that woeful traddy Catholic J.R.R. Tolkien) is released. In a surprise move, it is revealed that Stephen Fry is now taking the part of Smug the great Drag.