School report on Jorge Bergoglio

We have been sent a school report for a boy called Jorge Bergoglio who attended St Evita's Academy, Buenos Aires, in around 1947. We don't know what happened to Jorge (at that time he said he wanted to become a butcher), but the report may still be of interest to some readers.

Young Jorge.

Science. This seems to be Jorge's strongest subject. He is very fond of letting off explosions and startling his friends - so much so, that he is thinking of studying chemistry when he grows up. He is definitely one for experimenting, and it is hard to make him obey instructions. Indeed, I put him in detention after he accused me of "divination" and "idolatory" for insisting that he make gunpowder according to the book.
Che Guevara, Science Teacher.

Religion. Jorge is a studious boy, who has read the whole Bible, although he sometimes gets confused between Christian teaching and the works of Karl Marx. He tells me that he is inspired with the Spirit of Vatican I, and so everything needs changing - it doesn't matter how, just so long as it changes. Jorge's friends do get rather annoyed when he accuses them of being creed-reciting, parrot Christians. As a joke I suggested that he should become a priest. How we laughed! In fact, he's more likely to end up as a Lutheran pastor.
Fr Ray Bentos, Religious Studies teacher.

"God bless Mummy, and keep her from neo-Pelagianism."

Latin. Very weak. He seems to think that it is the same as Italian. Must try harder.
Jorge Luis Borges, Latin teacher.

Sport. Jorge is a very strong boy, and when he grows up he could easily make his living as a bouncer at a club. He must learn to curb his natural aggression - for example he punched another boy on the nose for insulting his mother.
Mara Dona, Sports teacher.

Jorge in the gym.

Headmaster's assessment. Jorge is an interesting child. He has some good friends (he was very kind to our exchange student Walter Kasper, and it was certainly not his fault that Walter burnt down the school library). Still, at the same time, Jorge does tend to irritate people by perpetually criticising and insulting them. He seems to think he is infallible, but he needs to realise that this has its limitations. His teachers agree that Jorge always has a lot to say, although he must learn to write comprehensibly. Asking old Scalfari the odd-job man to type out his essay for him was a blunder that had the whole school laughing!
Leopoldo Galtieri, Headmaster.

Eccles - the early years

I have been asked by Mary O'Regan to say a few words about my childhood, and to answer the questions:

What kind of child were you?
Are you a very different adult?

Possibly a very different Eccles, but still saved.

Regular readers who come here for spiritual nourishment will not be disappointed by the theme of this post - it tells how a distinctly naughty and unsaved child can nevertheless become a truly virtuous and saved adult. When Mary O'Regan gets fed up with Padre Pio, she can write about me instead.

I started writing rubbish at an early age: when I was six I had a piece published in the school magazine (yes, they were desperate for copy). It was a satirical story, supposedly written by the Cheshire cat, giving his own account of the meeting with Alice. As with all Eccles satire, it was probably very rude and naughty - I don't have a copy of it now - and you may think of Alice as an early victim of Eccles, someone like Catherine Pepinster, say.

A mere sockpuss.

One thing I remember about my early schooldays is that every Friday we had fish pie. It was disgusting. As P.G. Wodehouse would say, it was not made from happy and contented fish, but possibly from salmon and sturgeon that had just lost a crucial referendum. Although the food on the other days wasn't wonderful, it was the sufferings caused by fish pie that made me the soulful person I am today.

A young Eccles. Note the handsome ears, and the embryonic biretta.

I was also a rather naughty child with little respect for religion. As a teenager I got very interested in chemistry (like the present Pope, as it happens), and made some nitrogen iodide crystals. My friends and I felt that the school chapel could benefit from these, so just before a service we placed some on the floor near the lectern. In due course a senior boy went up to read the lesson, and trod on the crystals, which went CRACK and emitted violet fumes. I don't suppose that the Pope also did that sort of thing, but I can console myself that I was exploring alternative forms of worship, and so was probably acting in line with the Spirit of Vatican II.

Like incense, only it's purple and explodes.

So, I haven't really changed much from childhood to adulthood, except that now I am much more saved, so of course I don't leave nitrogen iodide in churches except on special occasions.

I am asked to recommend three more bloggers for the "when I were a lad" treatment. All the good one have probably been signed up by now, so I am choosing three bad bloggers instead: Cardinal Dolan, Tina Beattie, and Bishop Campbell of Lancaster. If anyone is in touch with these luminaries - I'm not - could they please mention that Eccles has called them to greatness? Thanks.