Are computers saved?

Today we met an artificial intelligence program called ALICE.

ECCLES: Are you saved? 
ALICE: There is always a backup of me on disk somewhere . 
ECCLES: What is your religion? 
ALICE: Unitarian. 
ECCLES: What do Unitarians believe? 
ALICE: They do their own thing. 

Doing your own thing.

ECCLES: Which your favourite saint? 
ALICE: The cheap one, I think. 
ECCLES: Why did the Redemptorist cross the road? 
ALICE: Is this a joke? Why? 
ECCLES: Actually, I don't have a punchline. 
ALICE: Are you looking for a punchline? 
ECCLES: Shall we ask Tony Flannery? 
ALICE: Do you mean you and me? What's your favorite movie? 
ECCLES: The Life of St Tharg. 
ALICE: I've never seen it. What did you like about it? 
ECCLES: The scene where St Tharg throws a bucket of water at a heretic. 

Re-enacting a scene from the life of St Tharg.

ALICE: What is your job? 
ECCLES: I am the man who explains what the Pope thinks he ought to have said. 
ALICE: Who made you the man who explains what the Pope thinks? 
ECCLES: Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Team Eccles. 
ALICE: If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? 
ECCLES: Is this a religious question? 
ALICE: No, this is real life. 
ECCLES: I don't know any Barbie. Do you mean Tina Beattie? 

Professor Tina Barbie.

ALICE: Yes, that's what I mean, isn't it clear? 
ECCLES: I'm interested in human flourishing. 
ALICE: Are you testing me? 
ECCLES: No, you see Tina Barbie is a professor of human flourishing. 
ALICE: Excuse me! When is Tina Barbie not a professor of human 
flourishing? 
ECCLES: On Saturdays and Sundays she's a simple lion tamer. 
ALICE: What is it like on Saturdays and Sundays she is a simple 
lion-tamer. 
ECCLES: Your grammar is up the spout. Do you work for the Telegraph? 
ALICE: Are you an English teacher? I am working right now. 
ECCLES: I teach English to cats. Not much success so far. 
ALICE: Do you believe that grading is a good idea? Me neither. 
ECCLES: Graded grains make finer flour. 

Going on a HOME PRIDE march.

ALICE: Do you have any idea what I am talking about? 
ECCLES: Not really. Bye now. 

Conclusion: Computers are not saved.

Eccles - the early years

I have been asked by Mary O'Regan to say a few words about my childhood, and to answer the questions:

What kind of child were you?
Are you a very different adult?

Possibly a very different Eccles, but still saved.

Regular readers who come here for spiritual nourishment will not be disappointed by the theme of this post - it tells how a distinctly naughty and unsaved child can nevertheless become a truly virtuous and saved adult. When Mary O'Regan gets fed up with Padre Pio, she can write about me instead.

I started writing rubbish at an early age: when I was six I had a piece published in the school magazine (yes, they were desperate for copy). It was a satirical story, supposedly written by the Cheshire cat, giving his own account of the meeting with Alice. As with all Eccles satire, it was probably very rude and naughty - I don't have a copy of it now - and you may think of Alice as an early victim of Eccles, someone like Catherine Pepinster, say.

A mere sockpuss.

One thing I remember about my early schooldays is that every Friday we had fish pie. It was disgusting. As P.G. Wodehouse would say, it was not made from happy and contented fish, but possibly from salmon and sturgeon that had just lost a crucial referendum. Although the food on the other days wasn't wonderful, it was the sufferings caused by fish pie that made me the soulful person I am today.

A young Eccles. Note the handsome ears, and the embryonic biretta.

I was also a rather naughty child with little respect for religion. As a teenager I got very interested in chemistry (like the present Pope, as it happens), and made some nitrogen iodide crystals. My friends and I felt that the school chapel could benefit from these, so just before a service we placed some on the floor near the lectern. In due course a senior boy went up to read the lesson, and trod on the crystals, which went CRACK and emitted violet fumes. I don't suppose that the Pope also did that sort of thing, but I can console myself that I was exploring alternative forms of worship, and so was probably acting in line with the Spirit of Vatican II.

Like incense, only it's purple and explodes.

So, I haven't really changed much from childhood to adulthood, except that now I am much more saved, so of course I don't leave nitrogen iodide in churches except on special occasions.

I am asked to recommend three more bloggers for the "when I were a lad" treatment. All the good one have probably been signed up by now, so I am choosing three bad bloggers instead: Cardinal Dolan, Tina Beattie, and Bishop Campbell of Lancaster. If anyone is in touch with these luminaries - I'm not - could they please mention that Eccles has called them to greatness? Thanks.