The crimes of the Tradiban

Sister Modernia of Frite-sur-Épaule writes:

It's time to show up the less liberal wing of the Catholic church for what it is - a branch of the Taliban.

Traditionalists Catholics on their way to Mass. That's probably Eccles on the right.

Let us compare the crimes of the Taliban and the Tradiban, and you will see that they are almost identical.

Forced deportation. I attended a Vetus Ordo Mass last week, and the Spirit moved me to a bit of impromptu liturgical dancing. "Yeah, yeah, yeah, twist and shout!" I sang, while the priest was doing something at the altar - I couldn't see what, as he had his back to me and was rudely talking in Latin. All I knew was that he was ignoring my 1960s "Spirit of Vatican II" rock. But what happened? A couple of Tradiban women grabbed me and bundled me into the street. That's the sort of thing they do.

Torture. I force myself to read the New Testament, the Catholic Herald, the Hermeneutic of Continuity blog, and even the Protect the Pope blog. What do I find? Orthodox Catholic doctrine, without a mention of the people's uprising that is to come. This is cruel and unusual punishment. Still, I feel it's my duty to read these reactionary works, and complain about them.

The Tradiban even described the Tablet as corrosive!

Persecution of women. The Tradiban refuses to entertain the thought that next year women will be ordained as priests by the Catholic Church. According to the Tablet, it is inevitable, now that the people's revolution has overthrown Pope Benedict! They prefer to subjugate us, and make sexist remarks to us like "Nice hat you're wearing!" and "Ooh, what a lovely baby you've got!" They hate us if we don't wear mantillas in church - I can tell they hate us, they don't have to say anything.

Prof. Tina Beattie models an alternative to the Tradiban mantilla.

Narcotics trafficking. They're all high on incense, take it from me. I went to a Tradiban Mass and lit up my pipe, as I would do in my usual church, Christ the Küng, and everyone protested, even though the air was already thick with smoke. Evidently, there's a Tradiban plot to monopolize the narcotics market.

All I wanted was a holy smoke.

Well, I think I've made my point. The Tradiban has modelled itself on the Taliban, and we liberal Catholics must fight them!

CWACOTS - a new dissident Catholic group

The Catholic Church was rocked to its foundations today as a new pressure group, CWACOTS - Catholics Without A Chip On Their Shoulder - was announced.

A chip-free zone.

Archbishop Vincent Nichols has met with this new rebel group, and declared himself baffled. "I offered them the use of Westminster Cathedral for gay masses, and the Brompton Oratory for clown masses, but they just said they weren't interested," he said.

So what do CWACOTS, who refer to themselves as the "silent majority" really want? It seems that they simply want to get on with being Christians - loving God and their neighbours - without being messed around by troublemakers.

Some CWACOTS members admire Paul Inwood - but others are music-lovers.

CWACOTS is attracting a large number of people with rather diverse views: some favour the Novus Ordo, and others prefer the Extraordinary Form of the Mass. Few, however, are demanding liturgical dancing, homilies from teenage girls who have just been to India, or services where you are invited to turn to your neighbour during the Communion and tell her all about the spots on your leg.

"I just don't know what to do with such people," admits Vincent Nichols.

So what do CWACOTS members make of Pope Francis? "I think we'll wait until he says something officially," says one representative. "Interviews with dopey journalists, most of whom who don't speak proper Italian, who fall asleep half-way through, and then make up the rest, probably carry slightly less authority than a good solid encyclical." CWACOTS members - shockingly - also tended to trust their parish priest (and even their bishop) to clarify any details of doctrine, rather than relying on what they read in the Daily Mail or the Tablet.

Are you asking for Church teaching to be changed on abortion, same-sex marriage and the ordination of women? "No, thanks. Moral theology is a science you know, we don't expect the rules to change every few years, as if they were drawn up by a bunch of half-witted biologists who got it wrong the first few times!"

"I heard that!"

When asked about the challenges facing Christendom at present, CWACOTS members showed themselves to be genuine rebels: refusing to admit that getting rid of all authority, seizing power, and making doctrine an "every man for himself" matter was truly urgent, they preferred to point to the fact that 95% of Christians east of Suez have now been massacred, and that most of the third world is dying of hunger and disease.

Eccles writes: we apologise for this bitterly satirical - some would say bullying - article, but there is no place in any Christian church for people with such outlandish views.

A Catholic cathedral: why don't you find CWACOTS members demonstrating here?