Dead people awareness month

Are you tired of Black Non-binary History Month? Do you yawn when reminded that it's Transgender Lives Support Week? Can you really bear the excitement of LGBTSJQED James Martin Coming Out Day?

Well, that's too bad, as the Catholic Church, at least, has designated November as Dead People Awareness Month. It's also known as People Without Lives Matter, and Gone to Meet Their Maker History Month (although of course it's true that most of history was made by people who are now pushing up the daisies).

People are sick of stripy flags, so we went for this very tasteful one.

We are looking forward to a lot of Dead People Awareness in November, although we are not expecting many dead people to celebrate in person. To kick off, November 1st is Saved Person History Day, and November 2nd is All The Other Dead People Day. After that it goes a bit downhill, but we end the month on a high note with St Andrew, the Scottish disciple, who also happens to be dead.

November 30th is also Saved Fishermen Awareness Day.

Of course all events will be overshadowed by the Synod - you may have realised that October was Synodal Bores Gobbledegook Month, in which all synodal participants were asked to conceal their inmost thoughts by cloaking them in buzzwords.

Sr Maria Grazia Angelini has shown that women can do this just as well as men (so why can't they be ordained?) with her classic "I pray that this synod receives the art of new narrations, the radical humility of knowing the likeness of the Reign of God in the most varied and human dynamisms."

However, Cardinal Joe "Nighty-night" Tobin is also doing well, with his "Synodality is a constitutive dimension of the Church since its origin that is still being realized today. Indeed, it expresses a radical call to conversion, change, prayer and action for all."

Meanwhile, other synodal "experts" continue to exchange gobbledegook.

Austen Ivereigh tells a horrified James Martin that he's just written yet another book about Pope Francis

Dead people don't come back to life

Today we have another guest post from Alice in Wonderland (age 11) of St Humanist's School, Birmingham. In January she explained very persuasively that Miracles are just a bit unlikely, and now she has an Easter message for us (or possibly a Good Friday message, she wasn't sure which was which).

Dead people don't come back to life.

Some people (like Fr Chasuble our school chaplain) will tell you that Good Friday is all about someone rising from the dead. But it isn't possible. IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T, IT ISN'T!!! Top marks for rhetoric, here, Alice - J. Eccles SJ (teacher). As a scientist, I tested this by experiment. So Auntie Doris has been sitting in the living room ever since she died 3 years ago. This proves that Christianity is bunk. QED.

There are other aspects about the passion narrative - I thought passion was a fruit, but Fr Chasuble says it's what we call the bits at the end of the gospels - that a trained scientist like me (We remember your detention for making hydrogen sulphide in the school toilets! J.E.) can easily refute. There's a bit about Peter (a famous person in the Bible) cutting off someone's ear and Jesus (another famous person) sticking it back on again. WELL, I TRIED THAT AND IT DOESN'T WORK. Mrs Van Gogh the school cook is very cross too!!! Marks for initiative, here, Alice! J.E.

Ear today, gone tomorrow (special joke by Alice!)

But let's get back to the big question. Fr Chasuble tells me that Easter is very important to Christians, although the Bible misses out the really important bits about bunny rabbits and eggs. So if dead people don't come back to life - as I have proved (QED) - then we can tell all those learned doctors of the church: St Thomas Augustine, St Basil the Fawlty, St Albert Mangus, ect. to pack it in.

Tomorrow I am going to Battley where lots of Muslims are hanging round a school trying to sell pictures of Mohammed. Won't they be surprised when I tell them that their sacred book the Michel Coren wasn't dictated by some supernatural God but was all made up! Have a good trip, Alice! J.E.

Defending an unpopular pope

Most of my readers have never been pope, and probably only one or two ever will be, so you don't realise how difficult the job of a pope is. You probably think that it just involves sitting around in Rome eating pasta, going to Mass, and occasionally saying something about Catholic doctrine. And the latter ought to be easy enough, as just about every issue under the sun has been discussed by previous popes, so you don't have to say anything original, although you can of course rephrase things in your own words. On no account try to change any of the doctrine - only a complete fool would do that, eh?

A pope.

However, popes do occasionally get accused of heresy. Let's look at the case of Pope John XXII, who has been in the news a lot lately, as he was accused of heresy. It all began when an old warlock called Kasperus Insanus persuaded him to hold a General Synod on the subject of Death.

The burning question of the early 14th century was whether those who died in the faith saw the presence of God before the Last Judgement. The traddies said "yes, of course", and the liberals "no". After a heated synod, the pope produced an Apostolic Exhortation A Morte Laetitia ("Happiness from Death"), which ignored the decisions of the synod and expressed his own view ("no") although it was subtly buried in a footnote that could be interpreted in several different ways.

Cardinal Caffara said that only a blind person could fail to find A Morte Laetitia confusing.

Of course, there were cardinals who did not like the idea that Church doctrine was being fudged, so they issued some dubia - questions to the pope along the lines of "Did you really mean to say that?" - "Would you like to try again with that one?" - and "Are you out of your mind?"

For many years the pope refused to answer these questions, responding only in insults and threats. He had many allies, for, on realising that the wise and good had refused to come to his A Morte Laetitia party, he followed the advice of Matthew 22, and went out into the streets and invited the weak, the feeble-minded and the crazy, instead. And he made them all cardinals.

Archbishop Charles Scicluna jumps into the debate.

And some particularly foolish bishops in Malta, hoping that they too might become cardinals, rushed to teach the new doctrine; indeed they went further and said that everyone who felt at peace with God was saved - no matter what sins they had committed or intended to commit in future.

In addition, the pope relied on his servants Spadaro the Wormtongue, Austen the Catholic Vicious, and Rosica the Blockhead to insult those who questioned his heresy, to accuse them of dissent, and of course to fawn over him and lick his boots. However, the war was not one-sided. Learned scribes with Latin names such as Mundabor, Rorate Caeli, and Vox Cantoris waded into the attack. They were joined by an army of canon lawyers and even ordinary Catholics who asked "Well? When do we get to see the presence of God?"

Of course, in the end, the pope backed down and admitted that he was wrong on the issue of admission of the saved to the Divine Presence.

And so...

However, I still have to tell you why we should have warm feelings towards Pope John XXII. All right, he was arrogant, bad-tempered, fond of insulting the Curia, priests, deacons, parish secretaries, and even ordinary faithful Catholics. His discussion of coprophagy would make a nun blush. Still, he is said to have written the prayer Anima Christi, which is said on many occasions, and can even be used as a hymn if you get fed up with "Bind us together" and "Our God reigns" and want something intelligent instead. It begins:

Soul of my Saviour sanctify my breast, 
Body of Christ, be thou my saving guest, 
Blood of my Saviour, bathe me in thy tide, 
Wash me with waters gushing from thy side.

So three cheers for the pope!

Julia Carpet-Chewer tells the Pope to shut up

Pope Francis's little essay Laudato Si' has received some strange responses, such as an enthusiastic reception by the Hillary Clintons of this world, who didn't spot the attack on abortion. However, the silliest must be Julia Carpet-Chewer's piece in the Telegraph. To save readers from severe brain injury caused by hitting their heads against the wall in reaction to her obsessive drivelling, we will give you a more coherent summary.

Just do us a hatchet job on Pope Francis, Julia. It doesn't need to make sense!

So, the Pope's written an encyclical on the environment!!?? Most of my readers won't know this, but he is the top Catholic, and so some people will be taking his words seriously!! When that's precisely the reason why HE MUST BE WRONG. What's worse, he's dabbling in science, even though he only has an Argentinian Diploma in "Chemistry for Theologians", unlike myself - I've got a Nobel Prize in "Stinks", even though I don't advertise this widely!!

Pope Francis and Mgr Guido Marini. Need I comment??!!

Popes are very bad at science. Benedict XVI told people that having sex with all and sundry might give them AIDS. Whereas everyone knows that the real answer is for men to wear condoms at all times, even when not having sex!! What's more, there was Galileo!! And now me!! For years I've been trying to convince the Pope that the sun shines out of my backside - but he refuses to listen!!

Julia's Law: Catholics don't understand science!! Forget Mendel!! Forget Lemaître!! Forget Lavoisier!! Forget Marconi!! Forget Pasteur!! All idiots!!

But WHAT IS FAR FAR WORSE than the Pope's dabbling in science and claiming that filling the air with poison could be a bad thing - I've been doing it for years without any ill effects - is the Pope's attempt TO DEFINE CATHOLIC MORALITY!! Pass the valium, nurse, I'm about to explode!!

Be it ever so humble, there's no place like (my) home. Got a problem with that??!!

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH IS WRONG ON EVERYTHING. Murder?? What's wrong with that?? Adultery?? No problems!! Theft?? False Witness?? The Catholic Church is clinging onto viewpoints that are stuck in the Dark Ages and is wrong on every issue!! Faith, Hope and Love?? Arentchasickovem!! Why, if St Paul had been around today he'd have said this:

Now abide these four - gay marriage, women priests, divorce and death - and the greatest of these is death. Whether it's tearing babies to pieces in the womb, or sending your granny on a surprise trip to Dignitas, God wants death every time!

Never mind all that nonsense about the Catholic Church providing schools, hospitals, famine relief programmes, etc. THEY ONLY DO IT TO DRAW ATTENTION AWAY FROM THEIR INNATE EVIL.

Julia Harveys-Brewery

Look, just wait until the Julia Harveys-Brewery encyclical is published, provisionally called "I'm a Loud Hater, See!" I'll soon put the Catholic Church in order!!