Anglican Theology expressed through its cathedrals

Many people have asked me, "What is it that Anglicans actually believe? Are they like Catholics, only with more money?" and if you stand outside one of their great cathedrals it is hard to believe that it is not actually Catholic. Indeed, in most cases they were built by Catholics and nationalized in the 16th century. So let us go and see what lies within. A tabernacle? A statue, perhaps of Our Lord or St Mary (or Pachamama?) Not exactly, but these five examples are here to provide spiritual nourishment...

Norwich: How are the mighty fallen! 2 Sam. 1:19

The helter-skelter is an well-known religious artefact, symbolizing man's fallen nature. Kneel in prayer, and watch the Dean whizz past your ears as she (yes, it's that sort of dean) shows how pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall (Prov. 16.18). Oh dear, she seems to have crashed into the wall.

Rochester: But this is a people robbed and spoiled; they are all of them snared in holes. Isa. 4:22.

What can be more sacramental than a game of crazy golf? Like unto the Israelites in the wilderness, you wander to and fro, and it seems that you will never arrive at the land flowing with milk and honey (available at the coffee shop, formerly the Lady Chapel). Many seek to drive but can only putt (all right, I made up that Biblical quotation).

Durham: Abundance of peace so long as the moon endureth. Ps 72:7.

Saints Cuthbert and Bede look benevolently on, as the mighty cathedral of Durham celebrates moon-worship. Whether you are a genuine lunatic (in which case an anthem of Howells is provided), or simply astronomically minded, you cannot fail to be spiritually nourished by the sight of the lunar orb.

Norwich again: Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind. Gen 1:24.

While the dean was in hospital suffering from a compound fracture (see above), her deputy realised that the best way to celebrate God's creation was with Dippy the Plastic Dinosaur. It is true that the Diplodocus is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible, but it was realised that a plastic goat skeleton would not bring in so many tourists save so many souls.

York: Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging. Prov. 20:21.

Well, we charged people an exorbitant fee to enter York Minster, but we really need more money. So a gin and rum festival is certain to bring out one of the true messages of Christianity: after all, did not Jesus turn water into gin and rum at Cana? Oh, by the way, the cathedral is closed to worshippers today, but all boozers, drunkards and alcoholics are welcome!

Anglican church tries a "God" experiment

This summer, the Reverend Francis Heppenstall, Anglican Vicar of Twing, has decided to try something new in order to attract congregations to his church. Instead of touristy gimmicks, he is planning to conduct a new type of service in which Christianity will play a major part.

Out go the crazy golf courses. In comes God!

The Church of England's main role, since the Reformation, has been to make it easier for people to divorce their wives and, if necessary, to behead them, but it has always tried to focus on FUN as well (after all, Henry VIII was a keen crazy golf player, as well as a sex maniac). That future saint, John Henry Newman, in his Anglican days, published various tracts on "Let's take religion seriously," but in the end he gave up his Anglican mission and became a Catholic instead.

Out go the helter skelters. Is nothing sacred?

Said Mr Bertram Wooster, a parishioner of Father Heppenstall, "The jolly old Anglican in the pew wants more than just funfairs and circuses; so we have asked old Heppers to liven up things with his forty-five minute sermon on Brotherly Love. That's the sort of thing to give the troops!"

It will be interesting to see whether this new "God" experiment will succeed in attracting the crowds back to Anglicanism. Many have already joined Cardinal Newman in the Catholic Church, where clown Masses, puppet Masses, and LGBT Masses are providing the spiritual nourishment they require. Heppenstall does have the surprising backing of Giles Fraser, the celebrity "loose canon," who is also considering the introduction of hymns and prayers as an alternative to coconut shies and "pin the tail on the donkey." It seems possible, therefore, that this innovation may catch on: we'll keep you informed.

An end to lunar gimmicks in our ancient cathedrals?