Anglican Theology expressed through its cathedrals

Many people have asked me, "What is it that Anglicans actually believe? Are they like Catholics, only with more money?" and if you stand outside one of their great cathedrals it is hard to believe that it is not actually Catholic. Indeed, in most cases they were built by Catholics and nationalized in the 16th century. So let us go and see what lies within. A tabernacle? A statue, perhaps of Our Lord or St Mary (or Pachamama?) Not exactly, but these five examples are here to provide spiritual nourishment...

Norwich: How are the mighty fallen! 2 Sam. 1:19

The helter-skelter is an well-known religious artefact, symbolizing man's fallen nature. Kneel in prayer, and watch the Dean whizz past your ears as she (yes, it's that sort of dean) shows how pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall (Prov. 16.18). Oh dear, she seems to have crashed into the wall.

Rochester: But this is a people robbed and spoiled; they are all of them snared in holes. Isa. 4:22.

What can be more sacramental than a game of crazy golf? Like unto the Israelites in the wilderness, you wander to and fro, and it seems that you will never arrive at the land flowing with milk and honey (available at the coffee shop, formerly the Lady Chapel). Many seek to drive but can only putt (all right, I made up that Biblical quotation).

Durham: Abundance of peace so long as the moon endureth. Ps 72:7.

Saints Cuthbert and Bede look benevolently on, as the mighty cathedral of Durham celebrates moon-worship. Whether you are a genuine lunatic (in which case an anthem of Howells is provided), or simply astronomically minded, you cannot fail to be spiritually nourished by the sight of the lunar orb.

Norwich again: Let the earth bring forth the living creature after his kind, cattle, and creeping thing, and beast of the earth after his kind. Gen 1:24.

While the dean was in hospital suffering from a compound fracture (see above), her deputy realised that the best way to celebrate God's creation was with Dippy the Plastic Dinosaur. It is true that the Diplodocus is not explicitly mentioned in the Bible, but it was realised that a plastic goat skeleton would not bring in so many tourists save so many souls.

York: Wine is a mocker, strong drink is raging. Prov. 20:21.

Well, we charged people an exorbitant fee to enter York Minster, but we really need more money. So a gin and rum festival is certain to bring out one of the true messages of Christianity: after all, did not Jesus turn water into gin and rum at Cana? Oh, by the way, the cathedral is closed to worshippers today, but all boozers, drunkards and alcoholics are welcome!

Hagia Sophia to become an Anglican cathedral

Seeing that his decision to turn the once-Christian Hagia Sophia into a mosque has been condemned worldwide, President Erdoğan of Turkey has agreed to compromise by turning the building into an Anglican church.

His first inclination was to make it a temple of Pachamama, but in the end this was considered too "Catholic" so Anglicanism was the solution, as it does not presuppose any particular belief system.

Your new-look Hagia Sophia.

"This should improve the Turkish tourist industry no end," explained the good man. "Both Christians and Muslims love helter-skelters, crazy golf, and artists' installations. The spiritually nourishing sight of an imam shouting 'Wheee!' as he slides down the helter-skelter will do a lot for ecumenism."

Historically, the Hagia Sophia was built as a Christian cathedral, but in 1453 Mehmed the Conqueror, tired of seeing idols of Pachamama, artists' installations (this is what artists make when they can't do art), and tango-ing priests, had it turned into a mosque, and everything went quiet for a few hundred years. Later it became a museum. However, a glorious future now dawns.

"We're hanging up our washing on the Sophia line!"

However, some critics have said that this is simply a case of Turkey voting for Christmas. We shall see.

The Dean of Norwich defends herself

The (Anglican) Dean of Norwich, her Holiness the Very Reverend, Sacred and Venerable Minerva Mouse, has defended herself against criticism that installing a helter-skelter into Norwich cathedral was irreverent, blasphemous, bonkers, and Satanic (you choose).

Dean Mouse stands outside her magnificent cathedral.

"In a very real sense - and I know that Bishop Duck agrees with me - spiralling downhill very quickly is a metaphor for the modern Anglican church. But let us not forget the immortal words of Mother Julian of Norwich, author of Rotations of Divine Love, even if she was a Catholic, and therefore a bit too God-obsessed:

He showed me a great tower, ringed with a steep helix, lying in the nave of a cathedral, as it seemed. I looked upon it with the eye of my understanding, and thought, 'What may this be?' And it was answered generally thus, 'It is all that Man will worship in the future.' I marvelled how it might last, for I thought it might suddenly have fallen to nothingness. And I was answered in my understanding: 'It lasts and ever shall, for God loves it.'

All shall be well, and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well. WHEEEEEEE!!!"

Bishop Duck gives the Blessing.

A survey of members of the Church of England produced the following results:

1. Only 30% believed in God (falling to 5% when it came to the clergy).

2. Only 20% realised that Churches were the House of God, rather than simply funfairs with better architecture.

3. When asked who was the Son of God, only 10% said Jesus. Other responses included Mohammed, Richard Dawkins, and Stephen Fry.

Norwich cathedral (the ancient one) has long been appreciated as a place for religion-lite fun, as the following picture of a dignified prelate shows.

Bishop of Norwich jumps on a tray of custard (yes, really).

Meanwhile, Dean Mouse has put up a small shed near the old cathedral in which Christian worship can take place. "There will only be room for two or three people at a time, but that should easily be enough!" she explained.

However, as one commentator put it: "I came a long way to see this church, and there wasn't even a coconut shy or dodgem cars! How do they think they will attract pilgrims?"

The new Norwich cathedral.

Anglican church tries a "God" experiment

This summer, the Reverend Francis Heppenstall, Anglican Vicar of Twing, has decided to try something new in order to attract congregations to his church. Instead of touristy gimmicks, he is planning to conduct a new type of service in which Christianity will play a major part.

Out go the crazy golf courses. In comes God!

The Church of England's main role, since the Reformation, has been to make it easier for people to divorce their wives and, if necessary, to behead them, but it has always tried to focus on FUN as well (after all, Henry VIII was a keen crazy golf player, as well as a sex maniac). That future saint, John Henry Newman, in his Anglican days, published various tracts on "Let's take religion seriously," but in the end he gave up his Anglican mission and became a Catholic instead.

Out go the helter skelters. Is nothing sacred?

Said Mr Bertram Wooster, a parishioner of Father Heppenstall, "The jolly old Anglican in the pew wants more than just funfairs and circuses; so we have asked old Heppers to liven up things with his forty-five minute sermon on Brotherly Love. That's the sort of thing to give the troops!"

It will be interesting to see whether this new "God" experiment will succeed in attracting the crowds back to Anglicanism. Many have already joined Cardinal Newman in the Catholic Church, where clown Masses, puppet Masses, and LGBT Masses are providing the spiritual nourishment they require. Heppenstall does have the surprising backing of Giles Fraser, the celebrity "loose canon," who is also considering the introduction of hymns and prayers as an alternative to coconut shies and "pin the tail on the donkey." It seems possible, therefore, that this innovation may catch on: we'll keep you informed.

An end to lunar gimmicks in our ancient cathedrals?