Hallowe'en for Catholics

We asked some leading Catholics to comment on the question: should Catholics celebrate Hallowe'en, and if so, how?

This sort of "saved" pumpkin is seen in many houses at this time. (H/T @fortyhigh)

Vincent Nichols, Cardinal.

Unlike in the Vatican, the USA, France, Spain, ... indeed like most of the rest of the world, we have told the English and Welsh Catholics to celebrate All Saints on November 2nd this year - either that or use the Extraordinary Form of the Mass. This is because I am a keen football fan, and nothing is going to spoil my enjoyment of the Newcastle-Liverpool match tomorrow (unless Liverpool loses, which they probably will).

So my Hallowe'en activities will kick off on Saturday night. Some people have said that dressing up as devils and demons is inappropriate for Catholic bishops, but I feel we should value the demonic lifestyle, as it has a lot of good in it. However, I plan to do something different this year: I shall wear a Kieran Conry mask and scare all the ladies!

A recent ecumenical trick-or-treat from Vin and Rowan. Note the pathetic attempt to do "devil horns" behind Rowan's head!

Damian Thompson, journalist.

I have my reputation as a blood-crazed ferret to keep up (© Church Times, 1971), and this year I am planning to dress up as a zombie and terrorize some of my enemies, starting with Cardinal Cormac Murphy-O'Connor and Austen Ivereigh, who are custard-hating liberals of the worst kind. Then I might just drop in at Blackfen and shout "Muahahahahaha!!!" through the letter-box of Fr Steven Fisher.

Damian Thompson in full zombie-costume.

Catherine Pepinster, editor of the Tablet.

We at the Tablet are very supportive of alternative forms of Catholicism, and many of our most loyal staff are witches, ghouls, ghosts, mummies, vampires, creepy things with wings, or gaunt and grisly spectres. I personally am going to knock on doors dressed as Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost; my friend Tina Beattie hasn't had time to get a special costume, so she will be going as a witch. I was hoping to give out free copies of the Tablet to people in the street, but the police advise me that this would be a public nuisance, and so we plan to hand out squishy things dripping with tomato ketchup instead.

Woooooo.... it's Cardinal Kasper the unfriendly ghost!

A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dawkins

Will nobody say a good word for The God Delusion?

Scroogeard's career was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. He had given up biology, a subject at which he was considered to be very capable, in favour of theology, about which he knew almost nothing; as a result, he was reduced to sitting by the fireside all day long, foaming at the mouth, and shouting "Bah! Humbug!" whenever there was any mention of Christianity on the television.

As he sat there watching the BBC's Christmas Special, A Tribute to Jimmy Savile, and reflecting how, by telling the Daily Mail that bringing children up as Catholics was worse than raping them, it would give him some more column-inches and pay for Lalla's next trip to Gallifrey, the room darkened and a ghostly figure appeared before him.

The Ghost of Christmas Past.

"Hey," said the ghost. "Let's not be formal here. Just call me Tony."

"B-b-b-but you're a Catholic," gasped Scroogeard in terror. "You follow the beliefs of that vile Catholic church. Keep away from me!"

"Let's just say that I've got my own beliefs, and I'm encouraging the Catholic church to follow," said the ghost. It showed Scroogeard a vision of a world run by Blairite Catholics, in which abortion could thrive, and in which religion was gradually sidelined.

The vision faded, and another horrible figure appeared.

The Ghost of Christmas Present.

"Another worshipper of sky fairies!" shuddered Scroogeard. "An Anglican! That's nearly as bad!"

"Don't worry," said the ghost calmly. "The Anglican church does what I say now. If I want women bishops, it will appoint them. But I have an even better scheme, which I'm sure you'll like. Since men and women don't get married very often these days, we're going to insist that men marry men, and women marry women! And, as it says in the Bible, the lion will lie down with the lamb and have its babies, because after all, it has rights like anyone else. If this doesn't get the Catholics screaming, I don't know what will!"

The second vision faded, and Scroogeard, now considerably perked up, awaited to see what horrors lay in the future.

The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.

"But you're not a Christian at all," cried Scroogeard gleefully to the third ghost. "If you come to power, we shall see the triumph of atheism after all! Harriet Harman will rule with an iron rod, we shall become daily ever more equal and diverse, and the Catholic Church and the Church of England will disappear! Oh joy! Oh rapture!"

"Well, not entirely," said the ghost. "We will simply appoint Giles Fraser as Archbishop of Canterbury, and Tina Beattie as Archbishop of Westminster. That way, the churches will be able to move away from God, and be more in step with the great secular adventure."

Scroogeard, overjoyed, rushed into the street, generously showering gifts on all the poor people he met. To Bob Cratchit, whose family had no fuel, he gave a copy of The Blind Watchmaker, which Bob gratefully put on the fire.

But what of poor Tiny Tim, who lay sick in a corner of the room? Why, Scroogeard had a wonderful gift for him too, a copy of The God Delusion.

Yes, it was the biggest turkey they'd ever seen!