This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 24 December 2012

A Christmas Carol, by Charles Dawkins

Richard Dawkins

Will nobody say a good word for The God Delusion?

Scroogeard's career was dead, to begin with. There is no doubt whatever about that. He had given up biology, a subject at which he was considered to be very capable, in favour of theology, about which he knew almost nothing; as a result, he was reduced to sitting by the fireside all day long, foaming at the mouth, and shouting "Bah! Humbug!" whenever there was any mention of Christianity on the television.

As he sat there watching the BBC's Christmas Special, A Tribute to Jimmy Savile, and reflecting how, by telling the Daily Mail that bringing children up as Catholics was worse than raping them, it would give him some more column-inches and pay for Lalla's next trip to Gallifrey, the room darkened and a ghostly figure appeared before him.

Ghost of Christmas Past

The Ghost of Christmas Past.

"Hey," said the ghost. "Let's not be formal here. Just call me Tony."

"B-b-b-but you're a Catholic," gasped Scroogeard in terror. "You follow the beliefs of that vile Catholic church. Keep away from me!"

"Let's just say that I've got my own beliefs, and I'm encouraging the Catholic church to follow," said the ghost. It showed Scroogeard a vision of a world run by Blairite Catholics, in which abortion could thrive, and in which religion was gradually sidelined.

The vision faded, and another horrible figure appeared.

Ghost of Christmas Present

The Ghost of Christmas Present.

"Another worshipper of sky fairies!" shuddered Scroogeard. "An Anglican! That's nearly as bad!"

"Don't worry," said the ghost calmly. "The Anglican church does what I say now. If I want women bishops, it will appoint them. But I have an even better scheme, which I'm sure you'll like. Since men and women don't get married very often these days, we're going to insist that men marry men, and women marry women! And, as it says in the Bible, the lion will lie down with the lamb and have its babies, because after all, it has rights like anyone else. If this doesn't get the Catholics screaming, I don't know what will!"

The second vision faded, and Scroogeard, now considerably perked up, awaited to see what horrors lay in the future.

Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come

The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come.

"But you're not a Christian at all," cried Scroogeard gleefully to the third ghost. "If you come to power, we shall see the triumph of atheism after all! Harriet Harman will rule with an iron rod, we shall become daily ever more equal and diverse, and the Catholic Church and the Church of England will disappear! Oh joy! Oh rapture!"

"Well, not entirely," said the ghost. "We will simply appoint Giles Fraser as Archbishop of Canterbury, and Tina Beattie as Archbishop of Westminster. That way, the churches will be able to move away from God, and be more in step with the great secular adventure."

Scroogeard, overjoyed, rushed into the street, generously showering gifts on all the poor people he met. To Bob Cratchit, whose family had no fuel, he gave a copy of The Blind Watchmaker, which Bob gratefully put on the fire.

But what of poor Tiny Tim, who lay sick in a corner of the room? Why, Scroogeard had a wonderful gift for him too, a copy of The God Delusion.

Yes, it was the biggest turkey they'd ever seen!


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  2. The lion will lie with the lamb. LOL! (that's laugh out loud, Dave).

    But Isaiah has more for us...apparently the leopard shall lie down with the kid. (Hear that, Jimmy? You were ahead of your time!) This new marriage law is far too restrictive...where are children's rights to get married?

  3. darling eccles, that warmed the cockles of every heart (though daryl the sociologist googled it and said hearts don't have cockles)- nice to see you on de Dame's blog last nite - a happy Christmas to you and your relatives xx Jess

    1. Yup it was good to see you there too, Jess, and tellin little Micky and Phil to behave.

      Have a good Christmas, and de same to all my loyyal readers.

  4. Happy Christmas to Bruvver and to all my British friends....because I'm sure all my British friends must read Bruvver's blog.

  5. Nice one bro!

    Happy Christmas to you and all your readers.

  6. Shouldn't Tiny Tim be put on the Liverpool Careless Pathway?

  7. Hey Jadis, very good. I think you can be bruv,s editor. Then this great story can get really published and bruv's gonna be way more famous than dr. dodokins or doodookins or you know whatever. Oh bruvver I gotta go they,re...