The next conclave

Cardinal Farrell (camerlengo): By popular demand, I am stepping down from the organization of this conclave, and our brother Cardinal Eccles will run the proceedings. He tells me that his agenda will produce white smoke within just a few minutes...

"Only one man can sort out this mess."

Eccles takes over.

I have invited all cardinals here, even ones too old to vote, as they may still be elected pope.

First. Calling all frauds, embezzlers, people who say "The money was just resting in my account", and investors in dodgy property schemes. Please leave, we don't require you any more.

Several cardinals leave, Becciu loudly protesting "I'll sue someone - I was intended to be the next pope!"

All homosexuals, trans-cardinals, friends of Father James Martin LGBTSJ, those with beach houses, those who cover up abuse... oh hang it, and all Jesuits. Please go.

A mad rush for the exits.

Who let him in?

All Germans, Belgians, and - yes - Argentinians (we don't want to make that mistake again!) OUT!

Some times you pull up the wheat with the tares. Pope Emeritus Benedict (aged 108) goes out with a sigh of relief. Cardinal Müller looks less happy.

All those soft on abortion and euthanasia, those associated with the Pontifical Academy for Death. GO!

A few more leave.

All cardinals who think that synods about synods are a GOOD THING. HOPPIT.

There were never many of these, and most have left already. But one or two creep out synodically.

And take that scarecrow with you!

Anyone associated with that scandalous deal with China. No not you, Zen, dear Eminence.

Is that Parolin I see leaving?

All fat clowns who hate the traditional Latin Mass. BEGONE!

Roche waddles out with one or two friends. Most of the others have left already.

Phew! Well that just leaves Sarah, Pell and a VERY few others. Can you sort it out between yourselves now, guys?

"We don't suppose you'd take it on, Eccles?"

Zanchetta back in favour, with McCarrick to follow

Great new for fans of Bishop Gustavo Zanchetta, the bishop suspended last year after reports that he had sexually abused seminarians and had homosexual pornography on his phone! Gussie, we all love you again (although for most of us not in the "Biblical" sense)!

Welcome back, Gussie!

A committee of Vatican cardinals has looked at the images on his phone, and sees no problem with them. In fact, the cardinals are still looking at them. Indeed, most of them have downloaded copies, so that they can study them in the privacy of their own home. So, fear not, these images are being very carefully scrutinised.

In Argentina, Zanchetta is facing charges of defrauding the state and "aggravated continuous sexual abuse", but hey, that was in a foreign country, and since 2013 the Catholic Church has known not to trust anything an Argentinian says. So there's nothing so see here, and Gussie can get back to his job as a Vatican bank clerk. Case dismissed.

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And now some more unfinished business.

But what about Uncle Ted McCarrick, whose crimes against Laudato Si' have caused him to lose his cardinal's hat? We have an exclusive preview of the long-awaited McCarrick Report:

1. Ted used to lure seminarians to his beach house and turn on the air conditioning.

2. In the winter he would even use a fire to warm the room as he cuddled up to seminarians on a bearskin rug.

3. He drove a huge Bergoglio Chiron gas-guzzler, and used it to pick up vulnerable seminarians.

The Bergoglio Chiron.

4. Have you seen the size of the fridge he used? Mind you, he needed it, if he had "one seminarian in the bed and one on ice".

5. He refused to renounce plastic and all its works, and he was seen using plastic straws when offering seminarians spiked drinks.

6. Ignoring advice from the Congregation for the Environment, he refused to fit solar panels to the roof of his beach house, claiming that mirrors in the bedroom ceiling were just as good.

7. All the other great sins: aeroplane rides, forgetting to recycle, refusing to invite Greta Thunberg to his beach house on the grounds that she was (allegedly) female... was there no limit to his wickedness?

Conclusion of the report: Uncle Don and Uncle Wilt are envious of Ted, but... nothing to see here, move on, please.

Uncle Ted's new non-racist rice business is doing well.