Tributes flood in for Ted McCarrick

So farewell then, Theodore "Ted" McCarrick, now gone to that great beach house in the sky (other destinations are possible). Naturally we have been overwhelmed with tributes to the great man.

A great loss to the rice industry.

DONALD WUERL

When I became Archbishop of Washington in 2006, there was talk of the great spiritual leader who had preceded me, but I'm afraid that I never met him, and certainly never worked with him. I wonder what became of him?

This picture is probably a forgery.

MARKO RUPNIK

Uncle Ted was a man after my own heart, although his taste was for boys and seminarians, rather than nuns. But let's be broad-minded! He's a great loss to the sexual abuse community.

"Uncle Ted" by Marko Rupnik.

KEVIN FARRELL

Now that he's dead people are telling all sorts of tales about Uncle Ted, but I can assure you that in all the time that I shared an apartment building with him there was never any hint of misconduct. All I remember was that the central heating made odd screaming sounds in the night, and Uncle Ted would shout "QUIET" at it, but I assumed that he was merely attempting to perform a miracle.

POPE FRANCIS

"This is the complete dossier on McCarrick."
"I'll say I knew nothing."

Who?

New synodal treatment for Pope Francis

Catholics are becoming tired of seeing bulletins about Pope Francis's health that say:

He's a Pontifex and he's OK. He sleeps all night and he works all day,

and have become more impatient to see Pope Francis leap from his sick bed, create newer and weirder cardinals, write new motu proprios about climate change, and generally do popish things. Accordingly, it has been announced that from now on the Holy Father's medical treatment will be Synodal. No more "magisterial" doctrines doctors, just unqualified activists sitting round tables discussing his medication.

Two aspirins or a heart transplant? You decide!

Said Dr Austen Ivereigh, a well-known expert in synodality, "The patient should naturally be one of the main athletes and standard-bearers of synodality, and it seems to me that the best cure for his illness is a kenotic de-centering followed by enlarging the space of his tent."

He went on to say how much he hated "traddy" doctors. He wasn't exactly sure what a traditional rigid doctor did, but he believed that his remedies involved leeches, powdered animal bones, and trepanning. "You don't expect me to attend a traditional surgery to find out, do you?"

Two doctors discuss possible treatments.

The Pope's proposed regime will include a daily dose of Amorislaetitia elixir, some Pachamama injections, and as many Traditioniscustodes tablets as he needs. That way there is little prospect of his becoming rigid, or even turning into a Christian bat preferring the shadows to the light.

ADDENDUM:

The treatment is working! Within a few hours of my writing the above, we see that Pope Francis is on the mend!

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AND NOW IN OTHER NEWS:

"He hates Trump and Vance, so he must be good."

Meanwhile, the entire Catholic world is delighted that Cardinal Robert McElroy has been installed as Archbishop of Washington. He comes from a long line of distinguished archbishops, including Wilton Gregory, Donald Wuerl, and - best of all - Theodore McCarrick. Between them, they have made Washington the sex abuse capital of Catholic America - whether by participating (Ted), covering up (Don), ignoring (Wilt), and - well Bob assures me that he has never met Uncle Ted, so his hands are clean so far.

"He said he'd never met McCarrick!"

Could Bob be the next pope?

New disciple criticised

Galilee, 27 AD approx.

Criticism has come in of Our Lord Jesus's appointment of the American Judas McIscariot as a disciple. "This will end badly," said one commentator. "Judas is clearly not to be trusted. He is a friend of the aged criminal Tedus Obnoxius, he who dwelleth in a beach house on the Sea of Galilee corrupting the young. What's more, Judas has not been averse to a bit of covering up of sexual abuse himself."

Judas McIscariot.

Judas has already caused division in the College of Disciples by campaigning for female deacons, supporting LGBT apostles such as St James the Least of All, and tolerating mass abortion as recommended by leaders such as Herod Bidenias.

Said St Salvatore, the former boss of McIscariot, who was not appointed to the College of Disciples, "That bastard? How ridiculous! We congratulate Judas on his appointment and we are confident that he will be a faithful disciple. Oh, and by the way, Salome Pelosi is an evil witch still needs some further instruction."

Judas himself was unavailable for comment.

The humble beach house of Tedus Obnoxius on the Sea of Galilee.

The pope's eight wondrous achievements

Arriving at the quarter-final stage of the World Cup of Francis Achievements, we are left with eight truly memorable accomplishments. Now, some people who saw this World Cup in action accused me of attacking the pope in some way, but this is very unfair, as I did not say whether the entries were to be regarded positively or negatively. In the end, they are all positive!

Let me come clean, and say that I am a huge fan of "Peter" and am hoping to get a job writing for the blog "Where Peter is Wonderful", which explains that the pope is always right, even when he is wrong. So let's analyse the eight quarter-finalists in detail. (Actually, not all the polls are closed yet, but it is now fairly clear who will win.)

"My new book, Pope Francis the great achiever, will have eight chapters."

Traditiones Custodes. Surely one of the jewels in the crown of Pope Francis's reign. Those nasty divisive traddies, who wanted to use the Extraordinarily Good Form that their grandparents knew, were clearly causing discord, schism, hatred, loathing, traumas, etc. by refusing to learn vernacular and celebrate the Novus Ordo in Tower of Babelese. We know that Pope Francis got it right, as those who object to TC are already saying that it has caused discord, schism, hatred, loathing, traumas, etc. Francis the blessed peacemaker knows that the best way to achieve peace is to get your retaliation in first!

Who am I to judge? Yet again, the Wonderful Father has hit the nail on the head. The full quotation is "If a lot of miserable sinners call themselves Catholic and find that repenting is too much of a bother, who am I to judge?" We Bergoliolators have noticed that Pope Francis never judges. Well, except when he says people are too rigid, or fomenters of coprophagia, or self-absorbed Promethean neo-Pelagians - or when he hates them simply because they supported the wrong side in the Falklands War. So let sin thrive!

Amoris Laetitia. Pope Francis has written the definitive treatise on Catholic morals. Although the ideal family has two parents of either the same or different sexes, together with 2.3 children and a white cat called Tiddles, not all families can achieve this, and some find that an adulterous lifestyle is more convenient. Mr Mercy has understood this, and reassures them that with the aid of discernment, walking together, perhaps some Ignatian yoga, their needs can also be accommodated.

An ideal father.

The Church in China. One of the great successes of the Stupendous Father. No longer are bishops to be appointed for their spirituality, wisdom, orthodox beliefs and "good shepherd" qualities - and look how well that turned out in the west! - but the title of "Bishop" is now a grade in the Chinese Civil Service, just above Head Jailer and Assistant Torturer and just below Lord High Executioner. Some people will say that having all Catholics driven underground on pain of arrest is a bad thing, but Francis knows best. In the west, few bishops have torturing skills (Wilton Gregory, Declan Lang, a few others?) and we need more!

Pachamama worship. This has been criticised by a few fascists who persist in sticking to the old ways. It is now generally agreed that Pachamama is not the Mother Earth Goddess - and who would complain if she were? - but simply another version of the Blessed Virgin Mary. Or she may be a vision of Greta Thunberg, five years from now, expecting a bonny bouncing carbon-free baby. Whoever she is, she is not to be thrown into the Tiber. That commandment on having "no other gods but me" is a bit stale now, isn't it? Obviously different Catholics will prefer different gods!

The Abu Dhabi statement. There was much brilliant material in this declaration: for example an agreement that "We Catholics will not stab Muslims in the street if your lot don't stab us (however, we can't speak for the Quakers, who are notorious oat-fuelled fiends)." But the bit that got people talking was where Pope Francis explained that God doesn't particularly favour the Christian religion, and He prefers a bit of diversity. So there's really not much point being a Catholic after all. This is true HUMILITY from the one man who you would expect to stick up for the Catholic Church.

Not covered by the Abu Dhabi agreement.

The German synodal path. Synods are wonderful things, which is why we shall soon be holding a Grand Ten-year Synod about the synodality of synods about synodal synods. So the German Synodal Path (or as they so elegantly call it Der Synodalerkardinalmarxderdickemannhatzuvielewürstegegessenweg) really puts the "syn" in Synod! Everything is up for grabs - new ideas on sexual morality, women priests and bishops, and a total rewriting of Catholicism from scratch to get rid of the embarrassing bits! This is of course a precursor of other synodal paths - new rules depending on where you live (see also under "China", "Pachamama" and "Abu Dhabi"). Now this is not schismatic, oh no, far from it. Because nobody will be using Latin.

Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick. Look, Ted's just this guy you know? He may have got himself into a spot of trouble, according to a brief 449-page report, but Pope Francis took a very firm line on this, rushing to laicise him only five years after he found out about it. Francis had obviously made him a trusted adviser because Ted knew more about sexual abuse than anyone else - when you need information, go to the experts! Uncle Ted is now living quietly in retirement, hoping to be sent to a prison that has its own built-in beach house. A happy ending for everyone!

"Pope Francis says 'You've all done very well!'"

The results of the knock-out rounds will be posted here as we get them.

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Quarter-final 1: Traditionis Custodes 73.4 v Who am I to judge? 26.6

Quarter-final 2: Amoris Laetitia 44.6 v Treatment of the church in China 55.4

Quarter-final 3: Pachamama worship 90.0 v The Abu Dhabi statement 10.0

Quarter-final 4: Supporting the German synodal path 40.8 v Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick 59.2

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Semi-final 1: Traditionis Custodes 72.3 v Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick 27.7

Semi-final 2: Treatment of the church in China 37.5 v Pachamama worship 62.5

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THIRD PLACE PLAY-OFF: Rehabilitating Uncle Ted McCarrick 20.9 v Treatment of the church in China 79.1

China gets the Bronze medal!

FINAL: Traditionis Custodes 41.2 v Pachamama worship 58.8

Gold medal for Pachamama, Silver for Traditionis Custodes!

Uncle Ted's Cabin - how it was all Viganò's fault

There was universal rejoicing in the Catholic Church this week when the long-awaited McCarrick report was finally published. The investigators were charged with finding the answer to one simple question: Why don't people like Uncle Ted McCarrick, despite his record of devotion to young seminarians and influence over a generation of bishops, archbishops, and even cardinals? Was it something he said?

"Good news! They say it was all Viganò's fault!"

We looked at the records of all the popes involved. John Paul II, who appointed Uncle Ted to Newark and then Washington? Well, he's a saint, and thus beyond criticism. When he received a letter from a priest saying "McCarrick touched me," he wrote back, saying "Yes, we are all touched by his saintliness."

Benedict XVI? Well, if we're going to blame a pope it has to be him, as (1) John Paul II is untouchable (see above), and (2) Francis has also been seeing trying on haloes at Gammarelli's in anticipation of his own future canonization. When Benedict received a letter accusing Ted of grooming, he banned him from molesting horses in future, but this didn't seem to solve the problem.

No, it is clear where the blame lies - fair and square in the court of Archbishop Carlo Maria Viganò, arch-enemy of Pope Francis, and even more so of Cardinals Cupich, Wuerl, Farrell, Tobin, old Uncle Wilt Gregory and all. You see, Uncle Ted never had a chance. If Viganò had only kept quiet, like Sodano, Bertone, Parolin, and 250 other bishops, then there would never have been a scandal. Writing an 11-page letter full of salacious innendos about a saintly man who was by all accounts a model of hospitality? What good could that do?

Could this be the most evil man in the world?

It's true that in 2018 Pope Francis asked Uncle Ted to observe a life of prayer and penance in seclusion. This should not be seen as any criticism of the old man - when one is 88 years old and slightly religiously-inclined, then it is a good time to learn how to pray. Also, removing McCarrick's red hat was a pure misunderstanding. You see, one day Uncle Ted turned up at the Vatican and disappeared off to the bath-house with some friends, as was his custom. He was overheard encouraging them with cries of "It's time we unfrocked ourselves," and somehow this became interpreted as the cardinal's wish to be laicised. We think it was all the fault of that malicious man Viganò.

In summary this whole affair is the fault of Viganò and nobody else. Luckily, although McCarrick has now retired to "Dunpervin", a remote beach house, his influence lives on. Practically all the bishops in the United States have had their careers touched by him, and often a lot more. All that remains is to find a suitable punishment for Viganò. Did we mention that Viganò is to blame?

Two saints in one photo!

Eight bad churches... and two very bad cardinals

We're reached the quarter-finals of the World Cup of Ugly Churches - where "ugly" can be interpreted loosely as "I wish I hadn't seen this picture." Here is the draw for the knockout stages, and this post will be updated to record how things go (we start the Twitter vote on Monday).

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1. Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley (USA) v Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges (Germany)

Torture chamber meets demolition site.

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2. Kappal Matha Church, Tirunelveli (India) v Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid (Spain)

Aeroplane meets gun battery.

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3. St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan (USA) v Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden (GER)

Sauron's castle meets bouncy castle.

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4. Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay (France) v Our Lady of the Rosary of the Philippines, Madrid (Spain)

Hippopotamus meets carpark.

QUARTER-FINAL RESULTS

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 54.2 - Maria, Koenigin des Friedens, Velbert-Neviges 45.8

Kappal Matha Church, Tirunelveli 44.3 - Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 55.7

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 63.8 - Rosa Aufblasbare Kirche, Vreden 36.2

Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 78.9 - Our Lady of the Rosary of the Philippines, Madrid 21.1

SEMI-FINAL RESULTS

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 35.4 - St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 64.6

Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 27.5 - Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 72.5

THIRD PLACE PLAYOFF

Newman Hall, Holy Spirit, Berkeley 70.7 - Parroquia Santa Monica, Rivas-Vaciamadrid 29.3

FINAL

St Francis de Sales, Norton Shores, Michigan 50.8 - Eglise Sainte Bernadette du Banlay 49.2

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Meanwhile, here are some other things to think about: Cardinal Marx (officially the world's 2nd worst cardinal), rejects a beautiful altar in favour of a piece of junk.

Your Eminence, we did advise you not to sit on it.

And someone who will surely be a strong contender in the 2021 World Cup of Bad Cardinals, Uncle Wilt, or Wilton Gregory, who seems to have been given a red hat because he hates Donald Trump even more than Pope Francis does.

Uncle Ted and his protegé.

Anyone seen that McCarrick report yet?

Farrell goes up, Parolin goes down

From the Secret Diary of Pope Francis, age 83¾.

Today I decided to reward my friend Kevin Farrell by giving him a new job. He is already Camerlengo, which means that he has the job of deciding whether the Pope is dead, and he is very good at it, since he phones me up every day to check. On his visits to Rome he taps me on the head with a small hammer to see whether I am still alive, and he has only got it wrong twice!

"It's not easy being wonderful, you know, Tom."

Kevin is very good at oversights, for example he says he lived with my ex-friend Ted McCarrick for several years without ever noticing that he was a degenerate pervert who molested seminarians. When screams came from Ted's apartment, Kev thought it was the air conditioning!

So I have asked my friend His Eminence Cardinal Farrell (to give him his correct title, which still makes people laugh) to take on oversight of various financial contracts that the Vatican engages in. Formally, he is to be the president of the Commission for Reserved Matters, and one of his missions is to ensure transparency. "I've seen through your financial dealings for years, Holy Father!" he tells me, so I know he's the right man for the job. But I wish he'd put that little hammer away.

How I knew Kev was going to be my new best friend.

Recently I've had to tell my ex-friend Giovanni Becciu that he should pack a suitcase and flee to a new job in Venezuela, where there is no extradition treaty. Now to my great sadness I am having to let another good friend go, Pietro Parolin. Pete was on the council overseeing IOR, the Institute for the Works of Religion (Istituto per le Opere di Religione), which is a code phrase for the Vatican Bank!

This may be the wrong IOR.

Memo: why don't we just call it the Vatican Bank? You don't get HSBC, Bank of America or Credit Agricole pretending to be spiritually nourishing organizations, do you?

Anyway, I've broken with Parolin now, and he is definitely on my list of ex-friends. He was doing so well - he says the Chinese love him, and when they appoint 100 new communist cardinals (any time now), they'll all be voting for him as the next Pope. Over my dead body! (Or at least over my sleeping body if Kev gets it wrong...) But people say that Pete is too much of an Eminence Grise, and it's time to take him down a peg.

Well, dear diary, that's all I've got time for now, I must dash off and put in an appearance at the grand Tutti Frutti celebration party...

Zanchetta back in favour, with McCarrick to follow

Great new for fans of Bishop Gustavo Zanchetta, the bishop suspended last year after reports that he had sexually abused seminarians and had homosexual pornography on his phone! Gussie, we all love you again (although for most of us not in the "Biblical" sense)!

Welcome back, Gussie!

A committee of Vatican cardinals has looked at the images on his phone, and sees no problem with them. In fact, the cardinals are still looking at them. Indeed, most of them have downloaded copies, so that they can study them in the privacy of their own home. So, fear not, these images are being very carefully scrutinised.

In Argentina, Zanchetta is facing charges of defrauding the state and "aggravated continuous sexual abuse", but hey, that was in a foreign country, and since 2013 the Catholic Church has known not to trust anything an Argentinian says. So there's nothing so see here, and Gussie can get back to his job as a Vatican bank clerk. Case dismissed.

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And now some more unfinished business.

But what about Uncle Ted McCarrick, whose crimes against Laudato Si' have caused him to lose his cardinal's hat? We have an exclusive preview of the long-awaited McCarrick Report:

1. Ted used to lure seminarians to his beach house and turn on the air conditioning.

2. In the winter he would even use a fire to warm the room as he cuddled up to seminarians on a bearskin rug.

3. He drove a huge Bergoglio Chiron gas-guzzler, and used it to pick up vulnerable seminarians.

The Bergoglio Chiron.

4. Have you seen the size of the fridge he used? Mind you, he needed it, if he had "one seminarian in the bed and one on ice".

5. He refused to renounce plastic and all its works, and he was seen using plastic straws when offering seminarians spiked drinks.

6. Ignoring advice from the Congregation for the Environment, he refused to fit solar panels to the roof of his beach house, claiming that mirrors in the bedroom ceiling were just as good.

7. All the other great sins: aeroplane rides, forgetting to recycle, refusing to invite Greta Thunberg to his beach house on the grounds that she was (allegedly) female... was there no limit to his wickedness?

Conclusion of the report: Uncle Don and Uncle Wilt are envious of Ted, but... nothing to see here, move on, please.

Uncle Ted's new non-racist rice business is doing well.

Catholic Herald to merge with Hello!

Following the departure of the Catholic Herald's UK editor, Luke Coppen, to pastures new, and the collapse of the magazine's US edition - allegedly because the editorial board wanted the magazine to be cosy and uncontroversial, while the staff wanted to smite the unsaved - it has been announced that the CH will be merging with Hello!

In the first issue of the new soaraway Catholic Hello! we shall see:

* Top Catholic Ted McCarrick shows us round his delightful beach house.

* Vatican expert Cardinal Coccopalmerio advises us on the best way to get "high".

* Cardinal Kasper tells us of six new heresies that he thought of before breakfast.

Pope Francis advises us on protective masks against the Corona virus.

* Father James Martin SJ demonstrates some of the main postures used in Ignatian Yoga, and invites us to a Catholic LGBT retreat in San Francisco.

* Top dictator Xi Jinping explains how Chinese Catholics can be "good citizens" (© Pope Francis), and shows us round the charming labour camps where the less good citizens are being made comfortable.

"I was only a 7-stone weaking until I discovered Catholicism."

* England's worst bishop, John Arnold, asks "Is Greta Thunberg the new St Bernadette?"

* Celebrity biographer Austen Ivereigh guides us round his extensive collection of Pachamama idols.

* Finally, we ask, how will top Catholic sex symbols Joe Biden and Massimo Faggioli be celebrating Amoris Laetitia week (formerly called Holy Week)?

Pope says that sad people are not Christians

Pope Francis has declared that sad people are not Christians, so let's all be cheerful, guys, and we'll be saved!

Someone (I can't remember who), once said, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted." Still, the Holy Father knows best in these matters, and from now on it's laughter all the way!

The Pope is giving a happy smile, but you may be too sinful to see it.

Some readers will recall that the recent Amazon synod featured some notorious wooden idols, but we can now reveal that they were delivered by mistake. In fact the Vatican had ordered statues of the famous Pollyanna, patron saint of unjustifiable optimism, but... you know... administrative errors... It seemed best to carry on and hope that nobody noticed.

All readers still happy? Got a jolly grin on your face? Excellent!

Probably the most Christian person of all.

Now, where were we? Oh yes, requiem masses. It won't do, you know. When people die, we should be happy because they are guaranteed to go to Heaven (unless they have committed some very grave sin, such as turning on the central heating in winter). So, no more of this rigid unChristian "Requiem eternam" stuff, please, and let's all burst out into a chorus of "Happy days are here again!"

Pope Francis's top adviser, Fr James Martin, concurs. "Everyone should be gay!" he says - and you can't get much more authoritative than that!

Another group of saintly Christians.

Austen Ivereigh also backs the Pope. "Every time I show people my new book on Pope Francis, they burst out laughing!" he says. "I feel that my writing is bringing more people to Christ."

So there you have it. From now on, it's laughter all the way. "Ha, ha, ha, ha, ho, ho, ho, ho, tee hee, tee hee, chuckle, chuckle, chuckle," as the new hymn by Dan Schutte has it.

Ho ho ho! St Nicholas shows the way.

How can a Pope tell lies?

As the latest instalment in our self-help guide, "How to be a good pope," intended for those of our readers who are already getting themselves measured for the white zucchetto, "just in case," we address the thorny problem of whether a pope can tell lies.

The simplest answer, of course, is no. Infallibility guarantees that, whatever you say, it is automatically true. Of course, as Rex Mottram would put it, you were actually telling the truth in a spiritual sense, but others are too sinful to see this.

"This is the complete dossier on McCarrick."
"I'll say I know nothing."

Let's take a case in point, the sordid story of "Uncle Fred," once one of your favourite cardinals, and now sadly disgraced. Your predecessor as Pope knew about some of his activities, and, when the St Gallstone Mafia launched a coup and got you the top job, he told you all about him, and advised you to keep Uncle Fred chained up in a dungeon. So you let him go.

This is the story told by Archbishop Vinegar, and now other evidence is coming out. Donna Whirly was involved too. In fact it seems that everyone in the Vatican knew about Uncle Fred EXCEPT YOU.

The Pope says he knows nothing!

So many people say you're lying! They really don't understand how Holy Fathers work, do they? Luckily you have friends who know that popes cannot lie (when Peter denied knowing Jesus, it wasn't a lie, it was simply because he had forgotten who He was, it could happen to anyone).

First, there's little Austen Ivory, telling the world that He didn’t know about McCarrick's past, or the sanctions (how could he know?) while at the same time throwing in a few character assassinations, in line with your new Motu proprio, AD HOMINEM. Other mates will rush to your defence, such as Robert Muckins, who still hasn't recovered from the news that your predecessor, whom he called "The rat" refuses to die. He manages to be even less coherent than Austen, no mean feat!

Unfortunately Fr Martin James LGBTSJ is not available to join in the fun, as he is in hospital having an operation. We have no idea what it is, but when she comes out, she will no doubt support you too.

The Archbishop of Barcelona also knows nothing.

Anyway, here are a few useful phrases which should help you get through this tricky time:

I know nothing.
I have an alibi.
Nobody told me.
I wasn't there.
I plead infallibility.
It's a case of mistaken identity.
It must have been some other Pope.
You don't have any DNA evidence, do you?
If I have a weakness, it's my inability to lie.
If you can't trust the Pope, whom can you trust?
I reserve the right to remain silent.
     (Well, it worked for those Dubia...)

What is truth?

What does a Camerlengo do?

The purpose of this blog is to provide education as well as spiritual nourishment, and many readers have asked me, "What is a camerlengo? Is it some sort of sexual practice known to Cardinal Coccopalmerio? Is it one of Massimo Faggioli's favourite ice creams? Is it an obscure papal garment like a fanon?"

Well nearly. When a cardinal is widely-respected and trusted, perhaps because he lived with Cardinal McCarrick but never actually met him, he may be appointed to the position of camerlengo.

Some widely-respected cardinals.

The camerlengo's duties really begin when a Pope dies, and his first task is to check that the Pope is really dead (and not simply resting, like Benedict). "WAKE UP, POPEY, I'VE GOT A NICE CUP OF TEA FOR YOU!" he shouts, perhaps hitting the possibly-deceased with a small hammer called a farrell. Another test that can be applied is to ask the presumed ex-pope some questions, called Dubia, which no pope can refuse to answer.

All right, let's suppose that all tests have failed, and that the Pope is really dead. We have to get a new one! Now democracy isn't necessary the traditional way to go about this - for, remember that when Judas was disgraced, he purchased a field, and fell over, so that his bowels gushed asunder (Acts 1), and it was not long before the lot fell upon Matthias.

But let us suppose that we are going to have a papal conclave. Then the camerlengo has to organize it. He kicks the seminarians out of the cardinals' beds (where applicable), locks up the supplies of drugs, and in general does all he can to make the participating cardinals look like holy princes of the church.

"Come on, Cocco, get that lampshade off your head and try and look holy."

What goes on in the conclave is a solemn secret, and we can only get to hear about it from tweets sent out by the cardinals.

Someone nominated Cupich! LOL

Send in more gin, I can't take much more of this!

The last time the St Gallen Mafia put a horse's head in my bed, 
but they're being very quiet this time.

All in all, camerlengo is an important position: not exactly acting Pope, but still not one that you want to give to anyone who was in the least tainted by scandal. So we are greatly relieved that Kev the Rev has got it, and the last laugh will be Pope Francis's.

Guess who the new camerlengo is!