Royal Palaces could become Catholic monasteries

It is reported today that King Charles has not ruled out the possibility of making reparations to the Catholic Church for the actions of King Henry VIII in dissolving the monasteries and nationalizing the churches and cathedrals.

Buckingham Palace said on Thursday that his Majesty took the issue ``profoundly seriously" having previously expressed his ``personal sorrow" over the suffering of Catholics who were robbed and martyred by the Tudors.

A Palace spokesman said that the question whether the King might donate his royal residences - Buckingham Palace, Windsor Castle, Sandringham, Balmoral, etc. - to the Catholic Church for use as cathedrals - or, more practically, as desirable monasteries - amounted to speculation as this stage, but could not be ruled out.

Soon to be St Thomas More Abbey?

"It makes a lot more sense than trying to `compensate' victims of slavery, when after all we were the ones who abolished slavery, doesn't it!" commented the spokesman.

If the Royal Family does decide to vacate its properties, it will no doubt require alternative accommodation, and the Royal Househunter Poursivant has already been looking for suitable property in the Islington area ``where all the rich woke people live".

An alternative possibility is that King Charles may choose to live somewhere like Fountains Abbey, which would require too much trouble to rebuild to its original purposes.

A home suitable for a king?

Fountains is one of many examples of Reformation Architecture. As the Estate Agents point out, it is very well-ventilated, with many walls and windows removed to enhance the views of the surrounding countryside and cut down on maintenance costs. Since Fountains has no roof, the rooms are also provided with ecologically sensitive shower facilities, which consume no energy. (One can wear one's crown if the rain is too heavy.)

The Duke and Duchess of Sussex are very appreciative of the King's plans, and hope to be allocated a ruined abbey of their own in due course. "Meghan gets a bit emotional sometimes," quipped Harry, "and if the house is already vandalised she can throw plates around without anybody minding."

Shall we see the Sussexes moving to Whitby?

It's Fix Weekend

From the Sunday Telegraph

Britain continues its four-day celebration of Damian Thompson's "The Fix," a work widely regarded as God's "Third Testament," and already a runaway best-seller.

God save the Dame

Yesterday, we heard Katherine Jenkins singing "God Save the Dame," and today a mighty flotilla of boats has been assembled, including several state-of-the-art ships from the British Navy. It will process down the Thames while loyal readers of Damian Thompson's blog wave flags.

A mighty flotilla

There will also be street parties, where cupcakes will be served in honour of Dr Thompson's message: why don't heroin addicts try cupcakes instead?

An alternative to heroin

As "The Fix" sells its 50-millionth copy, Damian Thompson himself is thinking of ways of spending his newly-acquired wealth. We learn that he has his eyes on a small palace in London, currently occupied by an elderly couple who may be happier in a care home.

A house fit for a blogger

However, not everyone appreciates Dr Thompson's book. A spokesman for the Guardian newspaper said "This is a typically fascist book from a right-wing nutjob who wants to repress the workers by claiming that addiction isn't a disease. Obviously he wrote the book in order to pursue his hidden agenda of closing down Alcoholics Anonymous. Almost certainly the book is sexist and homophobic as well. Did Che Guevara die in vain?"

Daddy, are you sober enough to read me a story from "The Fix"?

---

Bruvver Eccles writes: in fact moving Damain to a bigger huose aint gonna be dat easy. As a Cathlic he naturally has a large collectoin of iddles dat he kisses regularly, and he will want to take dem wiv him.

De iddle room