Vatican sale - everything must go!

The first we heard of this was on Wednesday, via Edward Pentin who bothers to read Vatican press releases so that we don't have to. The Vatican is broke, and everyone is taking a pay cut. Cardinals will have their salaries cut by 10% (surely it would be simpler to give redundancy notices to 10% of the cardinals? I can give you a list) and the ordinary workers suffer cuts of 8% down to 3%.

It is not recorded what pay cuts popes (current and emeritus) will be taking - a real missed opportunity for Francis to show how humble he is. This may be because questions may be asked about why we need both a pope and an emeritus pope. What do I know?

"Now, I'm afraid that one of you will have to go."

Next week's Motu proprio will give details of the Vatican fire sale to raise more funds. The faithful are no longer sending in Peter's Pence, since they are being spent on unpleasant films like Confessions of a Rocketman - and Elton John's sequels, involving Busman, Cabman and Bicycleman, don't sound any better.

I have already bought the tombs of three saints, which will go in my living-room once I have removed all the other furniture. I was hoping for some prestigious ones such as Pius V from Santa Maria Maggiore, but mine are obscure ones such as Pope Wilton III, Pope Jimbo XVII and Pope Ted, of whom most people have never even heard.

I also bought a popemobile - well, not the popemobile, just a unicycle that Pope Francis uses for exercise, or so I am told by his totally reliable business manager "Honest Giovanni" Becciu. My neighbours give me admiring glances as I cycle round the garden, bless them, and then fall off into the compost heap.

Late News: I am getting increasingly annoyed at a succession of itinerant priests who wander into my living room and say Mass at the tombs there. I don't care if you've been thrown out of St Peter's Basilica, you're not coming here. And get out of my kitchen - that's a refrigerator, not a sarcophagus.

The whited sepulchre of Pope Bosch.

Pope Francis to meet top Catholics in USA

As Pope Francis prepares to visit the USA, it has been announced that President Barack Obama has arranged for him to meet a selection of his favourite Catholics, the ones who are so influential in the modern church.

Sister Jezebel of the "Nuns on the Unicycles" organization.

Sister Jezebel is a thoroughly modern Catholic nun, who refuses to kow-tow to the male patriarchal hegemony of Pope Francis by dressing like a nun. She is hoping to advise the Holy Father that for 2000 years the Church has been wrong on such issues as the ordination of women and the rights of lesbian nuns who wish to marry in church.

Caitlyn Nutcase.

Although originally born as a male humanoid, Caitlyn now identifies as a female elk, and who are we to judge? She is fond of browsing and ruminating, and occasionally emitting the trumpet-like mating call of the elk, although she has not yet found a male elk to take any interest in her. A pious Catholic and cover girl for Vanity Elk, Caitlyn attends liberal masses, where she emits loud mooing sounds and chews the flower arrangements.

Fred Fu Manchu (and daughter) of Planned Extermination Baby Parts 'R' Us (Inc.)

Barack Obama is a close friend of Fred Fu Manchu, whose "baby parts" empire made him a multi-millionaire. His daughter owns a Lamborghini. Fred recommends the National Catholic Reporter for all your spiritual needs.

Senator Joe Penguin

A close political ally of President Obama, Senator Penguin is a pious Catholic who likes reciting the Rosary in a Neil Kinnock voice; when he's not doing that, he campaigns for same-sex marriage. He opposes abortion except in extreme cases, such as when the woman is pregnant.

Bishop Selfish Gene

It is said that Bishop Gene left his wife, the mother of his children, in order to "marry" a man. If you're going to commit adultery, do it in style, that's what we always say. It can only be a matter of time before Gene becomes a Catholic. Becoming a Christian may take a little longer.

Finally, we learn that the Master of Ceremonies will be...

Cardinal Timothy Donut

Three times winner of the Vatican's Fattest-Cardinal-Who-Has-Not-Yet-Exploded award, Cardinal Donut is also grandmaster of the St Patrick's Day Gay Pride March. An old friend of both Barack Obama and Pope Francis, he is regarded as someone who can reconcile all shades of liberal opinion.

Late news: This is basically correct.

Have you tried Eccles's Blogg? Aw, go on! Go on!

A special article in the Daily Telegraph from Damian Thompson.

Eccles has taught me all I know about custard.

Here’s some advice for Kieran Conry, Richard Dawkins, Iain Dale, and Stephen Fry. If you didn’t catch up with Eccles's blogg this week, don’t bother now. You’ll spoil your weekend. On the other hand, everyone else is in for a treat. Forget those tedious Telegraph blogs and read something with genuine spiritual nourishment. As Arthur Conan Doyle would say: Go on. Go on. Go on, go on, GO ON!!!!

Mary Riddell - a poor imitation of Eccles's Anti Moly.

Eccles is at the forefront of modern blogging - and opinion forming. He adopted Cardinal Ouellet as a papal candidate, and soon afterwards Cardinal Belgrano was elected Pope. He criticised Arthur Roche, and this led directly to his promotion to archbishop, with responsibility for closing churches in Rome. He praised Paul Inwood's innovative approach to "Vogon" music, and the old man was sent packing by Bishop Egan.

Star Wars, bagpipes, unicycles - back in fashion since Eccles posted this on Twitter.

Eccles has an ear for music that Van Gogh (and our own bloggers Stephen Hough and James MacMillan) could only envy. Who else would dare to help Christina Rossetti rewrite In the bleak midwinter?

It was quite a nice day,
Not too hot or cold,
They had lovely weather
In the days of old.

Tom Chivers - I gave him a job thinking that he'd write about jelly.

Of course, there are some Telegraph bloggers who are not overshadowed by Eccles. Young Michael "Mi" Wright, is our Tech blogger, who tweets as @brokenteacuplad, and so far Eccles has not yet turned his hand to technology. Also, we've got Gerald Warner, Ed West, Peter Mullen and David Lindsay. Oh, did we lose them? Well, never mind.

Moly (now retired) was a troll that I employed to drive up the hits on my blog.

Eccles is also relatively silent on environmental issues, whereas we have our great double act of Geoffrey Fat and James Upthepole, to tell us (a) the world will burst into flames next week unless we ban all motor cars (b) we're heading for a new Ice Age.

But in general the Telegraph blogs cannot compete with Eccles. His best line of the week? Out go Humanae Vitae and the other fuddy-duddy documents! In comes your own Episcopal Encyclical Fac Rem Tuam (or, since Latin is obviously not "cool", you may just say Do your own thing).

A fan of Eccles wonders why his Oyster card has stopped working.

Which isn't to say that Eccles is always being rude about people. His Eccles Bible Project has now reached the book of 1 Chronicles, and throws new light on the subject of Jizreel, Jishma, Jidbash, and their sister Hazlelponi. Scholars have said that it includes the definitive study of Hazlelponi.

If only Eccles would agree to write for the Telegraph blogs! But he already writes, under various pseudonyms, for the Tablet, Beano, Luton Budgie-Fanciers Gazette, Babes in Custard, and other scholarly publications, so he simply hasn't got the time!

The budgie-fanciers of Luton do not know how lucky they are!