Cupich is asked to install abortion chapel in Holy Name Cathedral

Following his successful participation in the Democratic National Convention last week, Cardinal Blase Cupich, known to regular readers as twice winner of the World Cup of Bad Cardinals, has been requested to import some of the features of the DNC to his own cathedral of Holy Name, Chicago.

"In the words of Our Lord, 'Orange Man Bad, Cackling Hyena Good!'"

One of the features of the DNC that proved most interesting was the abortion van, supplied by Planned Dead Child Parenthood. It had also been hoped that the DNC would provide a euthanasia/assisted suicide booth (after hearing the speeches, many were heard to ask "Do I have to carry on living?") However, it was felt by some people that the chances of Joe Biden wandering in by mistake, thinking it was an ice-cream parlour, were too great.

However, both an abortion chapel and a euthanasia chapel are possible features that could be incorporated into Holy Name Cathedral, assuming that the cardinal (and, presumably, the dean) agree. After all, many Americans described as devout Catholics consider these to be perfectly acceptable elements of healthcare.

As will be seen, there are several places that could be improved by the removal of unnecessary altars and the addition of healthcare facilities.

The God Bless Eccles Bible

Donald Trump has sent out the message, Happy Holy Week! Let's Make America Pray Again. As we lead into Good Friday and Easter, I encourage you to get a copy of the God Bless The USA Bible.

The author (no, not really).

I supposed at firat that this would be a Bible written by Mr Trump, in which case it would have the following features:

All in capitals. 
Silly made-up names for people he doesn't like
   (I would never do that, would I?) 
All the disciples wearing red hats.
God referred to as "Donald".
"Make Heaven Great Again" the main message of the Gospels.

But, I admit that I was wrong. It is simply a King James Bible with a few add-ons.

After all, the new Pope Francis Bible includes extra books - the books of Laudato Si', Amoris Laetitia, Traditionis Custodes, and Fiducia Supplicans - and I can't imagine anyone objecting to that!

"Not only did he sack me, but he gave me a copy of his book."

What Donald actually adds are things such as the US Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the Declaration of Independence. Mere Britons may wonder why the US Constitution is so sacred that it keeps getting amended, but again I refer to Pope Francis's treatment of the Gospel...

Uncle Joe is working on a God Bless Biden Bible, with innovations like the Ten Commandments being deleted, and the inclusion of extra documents, such as advertisements for Planned Parenthood and Graeter's chocolate chip ice-cream.

Recommended to all DEVOUT Catholics!

So finally, we come to the God Bless Eccles Bible. Only $50, so it should outsell the God Bless The USA Bible (which costs $60). With the popular advertising slogans Make Eccles Rich Again and Become Saved By Reading This Book! this is a Douai–Rheims Bible with some of my most popular blog posts (more than 3 readers!) added as bonus chapters to be read out at Mass. These include

Why the Pope is right about everything;
How to preach a royal wedding sermon; 
The toxic tradition of the Latin Mass;
The World Cup of Bad Hymns; and
Is Pope Francis a Trad?

So I'll stop there, as I have to do a few Bible-signing sessions today - Westminster Cathedral, Waterstones, etc.

Child sacrifices to be restricted

Peru, 1533.

There has been outrage among leading Inca celebrities at reports that child sacrifices in the Empire are now to be greatly restricted, and will be decided upon locally.

The activities of "Planned Sacrifice" may now be severely restricted.

Opposition to the change in the law is being led by President Joe "devout" Atahualpa and the lovely Nancy Passthebotl, who see it as a threat to the woman's "Right to murder". Still, the Supreme Court of Judge Pizarro has now decided to overturn the traditional "Mom v Babe" ruling which has been the basis of sacrifice law for so long.

Pachamama - one of the Inca gods.

So far, nothing has been heard from the Vatican, neither from the Pontifical Academy of Sacrifice, nor from Pope Clement VII ("Clement the humble"), who himself is actually a devotee of Pachamama. Still, more serious Catholic sources are backing the new rules and we may see a major reduction in the number of sacrifices.

Laus Deo, if Archbishop Arfurocha still allows us to say that.

Catholics For Genocide

Some personal news: I'll be joining Catholics For Genocide as their Director of Communications and Strategy on February 1st. As a Christian and someone deeply committed to mass murder and ethnic cleansing, it's a dream to join this team of brilliant advocates.

I am hoping that my move will backed by Chelsea Clinton and the beautiful Charlotte Clymer, who coincidentally has just been appointed as Director of Communications and Strategy for our sister organization Catholics For Choice! Meanwhile, Uncle Joe Biden has promised to give funding to Planned Orphanhood, which is one of our partners in the mission of bringing Catholic values into the business of widespread slaughter.

We are still waiting to hear from Sister Swinging Bluejean, the campaigner against the death penalty; will she make a statement if the people we are targeting are not murderers on death row but perfectly innocent citizens who happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time?

Some bigoted traditionalists have suggested that genocide is not something that Catholics can support with a clear "conscience" (may we remind them that the idea of a conscience was dropped from Catholic teaching at the time of Vatican II?) Our answer to that is simple: very few senior bishops have criticised our movement, and Pope Francis certainly hasn't! Many of his best friends in China like nothing better than rampaging across the country wiping out people from the wrong team!

Is it really worth upsetting my friends in China for the Uyghurs?

The bad news is that a team of American bishops has dared to suggest that genocide is "wrong" (despite its being official Democratic party policy). Still, nobody has stopped us genociders from receiving Communion, and we are counting on Cardinal Blase Cupich to tell those turbulent bishops to be quiet!

Bi-elzebub appoints Ka-Moloch as his running mate

As the battle of Armageddon draws closer, the demon candidate Joe Bi-elzebub has finally nominated Ka-Moloch as his running-mate. He had a rich field to choose from, although he had already stipulated that the successful candidate should be female, black-hearted and infinitely evil. Would it be Elizabeth Apollyon, Susan Baal, or even the joke candidate, Alexandria Occasional-Serpent?

"Small lives don't matter" Ka-Moloch, with her lunch.

In the end, it is Ka-Moloch who gets the job, possibly because she agrees with Joe Bi-elzebub on the main Catholic issues: they are both great fans of the family organization Planned Dismemberment, and they both believe that marriage can be between a man and a man, a woman and a woman, or - for the real eccentrics - a man and a woman.

POW! The bishop tells it as it is.

The battle of Armageddon is expected to be a close-run thing. St Maga and his angels have some faults too (saints are allowed to) - although for them the trend is probably heavenward rather than in the opposite direction - and so many pious Catholics (St James the LGBTSJ, St Massimo the Bean, and St Colbert the Jokeless) are still backing Joe.

I promised not to comment on Camela's Botox injections.

Anyway, now that Joe has got his sidekick sorted out, his only problem is to get elected before his wits fade away entirely put forward a positive Catholic agenda for Armageddon, containing lots of imaginative plans for the slaughter of innocents. Should be fun!

Author's note: If Joe was simply a psychopathic baby-killer, I wouldn't mind, but being a Catholic psychopathic baby-killer is too much.

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Addendum: an improved picture from @eoros1012.

Fr James Martin finally "comes out"

It was long suspected from his lifestyle and the way he dresses; it will dismay many of his supporters, who still had confidence in him. However, we must admit that it is becoming increasingly common, among Catholic priests, as well as the laity.

Every year there are numerous marches and political campaigns on this issue, which irritate so many people. Even priests and bishops have been known to take part. But the movement seems to be unstoppable, and Fr James Martin SJ has finally nailed his colours to the mast.

Yes, Father James is pro-life!

Well, we on this blog are very broad minded, and we have come to accept the "love that dare not speak its name" - the preference for happy smiling babies to dismembered corpses. Fr James's own orientation has our full sympathy.

Of course, it was not always entirely clear which way Fr James swung. His preference for Hillary Clinton, the supporter of the Planned Parenthood "get your baby parts here, folks, and help make the lovely Mary Gatter an extremely rich woman" organization, was a little surprising. Still, we must remember that the alternative was Donald Trump, who is of course literally Adolf Hitler!

The flamboyant black and white costume is a bit of a giveaway!

Will other Catholic priests now come out, as Fr James has done? In the Vatican, there is said to be a large "pro-life" Mafia, although it is hard to see exactly where Pope Francis lies, following his suspiciously close relationship with Emma Bonino.

Well, our apologies for yet another post on the weird and wonderful James Martin SJ, theologian extraordinary, member of the friends of Canaanite women, builder of bridges, etc. But this bombshell could hardly be kept secret, and since "coming out" Fr James has been overwhelmed both by messages of support and by hateful misopedic abuse.

Still... as for his theology...

Everyone who disagrees with me is Satan

When you're debating religious or political issues, I find that insulting your opponent is the best way to win the argument. For example, the people who imposed same-sex "marriage" on us - something that ten years earlier everyone had recognised as absurd - managed to get their way by means of the powerful slogan "Bigot! Bigot! Bigot!"

A happy couple (now long-since forgotten).

On Twitter it is well-known that everyone you disagree with is literally Hitler. There are lots of 127-year-old Germans with silly moustaches sitting around in sheds, shouting hateful Nazi slogans such as "We don't think much of the EU" and "Er, perhaps Donald Trump is a better bet than Hillary Clinton."

Is this literally YOU?

Curiously, this is mainly a left-wing thing, and you don't see conservatives labelling people as Stalin or Mao - probably because for so many lefties, these mass-murderers are still regarded as heroes. So the insult becomes a compliment.

"And this attachment is for hitting cardinals with."

So we come to Satan, himself. I must plead guilty on this score, since I have long referred to Mrs Clinton as Hell Cat, and regarded her as a tool of the Devil. This is mainly because I don't share her enthusiasm for dismembering live babies and selling the remains off commercially (this is what is technically known as "planned parenthood").

Still, there are apparently worse things that one can do. Pope Francis himself picked out what he considered one of the great evils of the world when he described parish secretaries as like "disciples of Satan" - we never got to the bottom of this little rant, but one theory is that he had decided to make one of his spontaneous 3 a.m. phone calls to a random victim, but had been told to get off the line, have a cup of cocoa, and go to sleep. EXACTLY what Satan would say.

"Oh Lord, I hope that's not the pope again.

And now he's at it again. Pope Francis told the Curia that resistance to reforms is inspired by the Devil. Since these reforms apparently include modernisation and gradualism (discernment), we have a problem here, as these are the sort of thing that previous popes were very much against. Odd, that.

Unfortunately, the Holy Father has now run out of superlatives. All I know is, I'm glad I don't work for the Roman Curia. Two years ago it was a listing of their "spiritual diseases" and now they're being told that they're ALL LITERALLY SATAN. Call this job satisfaction?

Hillary demands back her soul

Following her unsuccessful campaign to be the first woman president of the United States of America, Hillary Clinton has sent a stern e-mail to the demon Mephistopheles demanding the return of her soul.

A young Hillary negotiates a deal for her soul.

The arrangements promised by the demon included the presidency for her husband (delivered), all the women he wants for her husband (delivered, although some of the women weren't too keen), vast quantities of money to be spent on anything she chose (delivered, via the Clinton Foundation), and finally the presidency for herself (not delivered).

"I did not have sexual relations with those 500 women."

Many people had suspected that Hillary's soul was no longer her own, having seen her fanatical hatred for unborn children - and her support of the Plant Parenthood "Buy your loved one some baby parts for Christmas" organization - the disgusting "Spirit Cooking" habits of her friends (unmentionable in a blog like this, which is read by innocent children and priests), and her general dishonesty.

That embarrassing moment when your dinner guests insist on discussing politics.

So what went wrong? Well, there came into the world a modest, virtuous, chaste, and holy being called St Donald of Trump, who fought the evil dragon Hillary and captured the presidency from her. He thus made America great again, and brought the dawn of a new era of prosperity and world peace, and an end to famine and disease. (I've copied this from a press release, but I am sure that St Donald is being scrupulously honest here).

However, demons are completely unreliable, and should not be trusted, and so it is unlikely that poor Hillary will get a refund.

St Donald of Trump slays the dragon.

As a side-effect, we learn that Fr James Martin SJ has finally "got religion" - at least his reaction to the events was to say "Lord, have mercy!"

Pope Francis makes a cardinal error

The Catholic Church was reeling in shock and dismay today, as it was announced that Pope Francis had decided to appoint Archbishop Blase Cupich - a man so liberal that he makes Vincent Nichols look like a reincarnation of Pope Pius V - as a cardinal.

"Sorry, folks, I seem to have made a boo-boo there," laughed the Holy Father. "My friend Thomas Rosica played a little joke on me, by crossing off the name of Archbishop Chaput from the list I had originally prepared and writing in 'Cupich'. Since I didn't have my glasses on, I never even noticed! The names were so much alike!"

"Cupich? I asked for Chaput!"

Cupich, of course, is known for his very weak pro-life credentials - it is said that Hillary Clinton wanted him as her vice-president - and indeed he discouraged his priests from participating in demonstrations against Planned Parenthood (now renamed "Baby Parts 'R' us"), or from supporting 40 Days for Life.

Some of the Holy Father's other appointments are equally bizarre, notably Archbishop Farrell, who was awarded his red hat for extreme sycophancy.

Kevin Farrell - the only man who is not confused by Pope Francis.

Still, it is said that Caligula made his horse Incitatus a consul, David Cameron scrounged an O.B.E. for Isabel Spearman, his wife's hair stylist, and Harold Wilson obtained a peerage for his secretary Marcia Williams, so there are definitely precedents for this unusual appointment. The pope's dentist will have to wait until next time.

The list of new cardinals contains several who are from the third world, including the splendidly-named Dieudonné Nzapalainga of Bangui, Central African Republic. It is believed he was included in the hope that his arrival would cause Cardinal Kasper to have an apoplectic fit. However, this has not yet happened.

Dieudonné Nzapalainga - looking forward to a punch-up with Walter Kasper.

A world without abortionists?

This is Frankenstein, my son. When we were expecting him, the doctors warned us that he would probably be an abortionist (there is now a non-invasive test that can tell you with 99% reliability if your unborn child is going to have this condition). But we decided to go ahead and let him live, because, after all, we are pro-life.

Dear Frankenstein.

It was not easy having an abortionist son, but we loved him. As a child, he was almost the same as other boys, except that of course he liked pulling the wings off butterflies, kicking cats in the head, and, on special occasions, dropping bricks out of the window on babies in pushchairs. When, at the age of 16, it became clear that his condition was incurable, we decided to help him all we could, by sending him to the Norman Bates Psycho School for people with Special Needs (in his case, blood, guts, and vital organs).

Cecile Richards of Planned Slaughterhood. A normal healthy adult.

My friend Doris has a different story. She was not able to cope with the idea of giving birth to an abortionist, but, on the other hand, she was a devout Catholic and did not believe in asking for a "termination". In the end she took the only reasonable course of action and gave birth to her child. Luckily, there had been a misdiagnosis and her daughter was merely a psychopathic serial killer, and not an abortionist after all. A lucky escape indeed!

You wanted a termination?

Imagine a world without abortionists! A whole section of our population ruthlessly eliminated! Sounds great, doesn't it? Has anyone got any ideas how we can achieve it?

With apologies to the wonderful Sally Phillips.

Peter's Pence or the Mark of Kaine?

Many of my American readers have asked me, "Eccles, how would a saved person vote in the forthcoming American presidential election?" Apparently, the democratic process has produced a choice between a Republican regarded by approximately 3/4 of the population as a completely mad egomaniac, and a Democrat regarded by approximately 3/4 of the population as evil incarnate, whose actions and beliefs would even embarrass Lucifer. So you lose either way.

Two political leaders discuss foreign affairs.

Well, good luck, Americans, in finding someone to vote for. I suggest a write-in vote for the world's greatest American, Cardinal Dolan Burke.

So let's assume that Trump chokes on his wig, or that Hillary is escorted down to Hell by a demon. Time for the vice-president to take over! And now nothing can go wrong, as both Mike Pence and Tim Kaine are Catholics. Sort of...

Mike Pence is a born-again evangelical Catholic. Now don't worry if you don't know what these are, as Uncle Mike doesn't really know either. As far as we can ascertain they are Anglo-Lutheran Catholics with a dash of Aztec. It was so much simpler when Mr Pence was a simple (Roman) Catholic. At least he seems to be against abortion and same-sex "marriage", almost as if he were a member of a Church for grown-ups.

Actually, I think these are the Westboro Baptists. Sorry.

Which brings us to Tim Kaine. A "Catholic" educated by Jesuits; so obviously the usual suspects - James Martin SJ and Thomas Reese SJ - are delighted. He's Catholic, but not TOO Catholic, right? He reckons Jesus got it wrong on same-sex marriage. He is backed by Planned Parenthood, the place you go to whenever you need a freshly-killed baby. There's no danger that anyone is ever going to persecute him for his beliefs!

Probably a forgery.

ISIS withdraws offer to merge with Amnesty

It was reported exactly a year ago that ISIS (IS, ISIL, Daesh, Satanic State, or whatever you want to call them) had been so impressed by Amnesty International's campaign for killing the weak and helpless that it had proposed a merger. However, following the release of Amnesty's latest video nasty starring Liam Neeson - himself, ironically an actor known for playing Aslan, the Jedi master Qui-Gon Jinn and, er, Jesus Christ in Pilgrim's Progress - the deal has been declared "off" by ISIS's spokesman B. El-Zeebub.

The proposed AmnISIS logo - now unlikely to be used

"Don't get me wrong, we approve of a lot that Amnesty do," said Mr El-Zebub. "When it comes to slaughtering people, we are mere novices compared with the abortion industry. We did think of offering a merger to Planned Parenthood a few months ago, but when the accountants came to look at our books, they realized we were not competitive in the modern cut and thrust world of selling body parts, and they simply wouldn't accept our business model."

"Merging with Amnesty," he continued, "would have enabled us to register as a charity, and receive donations from the non-Muslim community. We could have opened up clinics in city centres, and invited people to 'plan their families' by dismembering the less popular members. But the deal is off the table now."

Liam Neeson demonstrates a device for slaughtering unwanted family members.

So what went wrong with this "marriage made in Hell"? Apparently, ISIS were overwhelmed by the anti-Christian tone of Amnesty's video nasty. As El-Zebub explained, "We thought nobody disliked Christians more than we do, but Liam Neeson has opened our eyes to what true anti-religious bigotry looks like, and - humbly - we just don't feel we can compete. Everyone to their own, and we'll just go back to cutting heads off in the traditional Islamic way. We'll leave the real nastiness to the experts at Amnesty."

Pope Francis to meet top Catholics in USA

As Pope Francis prepares to visit the USA, it has been announced that President Barack Obama has arranged for him to meet a selection of his favourite Catholics, the ones who are so influential in the modern church.

Sister Jezebel of the "Nuns on the Unicycles" organization.

Sister Jezebel is a thoroughly modern Catholic nun, who refuses to kow-tow to the male patriarchal hegemony of Pope Francis by dressing like a nun. She is hoping to advise the Holy Father that for 2000 years the Church has been wrong on such issues as the ordination of women and the rights of lesbian nuns who wish to marry in church.

Caitlyn Nutcase.

Although originally born as a male humanoid, Caitlyn now identifies as a female elk, and who are we to judge? She is fond of browsing and ruminating, and occasionally emitting the trumpet-like mating call of the elk, although she has not yet found a male elk to take any interest in her. A pious Catholic and cover girl for Vanity Elk, Caitlyn attends liberal masses, where she emits loud mooing sounds and chews the flower arrangements.

Fred Fu Manchu (and daughter) of Planned Extermination Baby Parts 'R' Us (Inc.)

Barack Obama is a close friend of Fred Fu Manchu, whose "baby parts" empire made him a multi-millionaire. His daughter owns a Lamborghini. Fred recommends the National Catholic Reporter for all your spiritual needs.

Senator Joe Penguin

A close political ally of President Obama, Senator Penguin is a pious Catholic who likes reciting the Rosary in a Neil Kinnock voice; when he's not doing that, he campaigns for same-sex marriage. He opposes abortion except in extreme cases, such as when the woman is pregnant.

Bishop Selfish Gene

It is said that Bishop Gene left his wife, the mother of his children, in order to "marry" a man. If you're going to commit adultery, do it in style, that's what we always say. It can only be a matter of time before Gene becomes a Catholic. Becoming a Christian may take a little longer.

Finally, we learn that the Master of Ceremonies will be...

Cardinal Timothy Donut

Three times winner of the Vatican's Fattest-Cardinal-Who-Has-Not-Yet-Exploded award, Cardinal Donut is also grandmaster of the St Patrick's Day Gay Pride March. An old friend of both Barack Obama and Pope Francis, he is regarded as someone who can reconcile all shades of liberal opinion.

Late news: This is basically correct.

Cecil - the world mourns

Led as always by celebrities Ricky Gervais, Piers Morgan, Cara Delevingne, Claudia Lee, etc. etc., the world has rushed to condemn the untimely death of Cecil.

Cecil was a young American lad who was carefully ripped from his mother's womb using a compassionate "non-crushing" technique (© Planned Parenthood), so that his body parts could be sold off and used. It is believed by some that his head was mounted on the wall as a "hunting trophy", his limbs used for scientific experiments, and his vital organs made into meat pies.

The death of one lion is a tragedy; the death of several thousand babies is a statistic. (Stalin, adapted.)

If that were not enough for the celebrities to get excited about, the more observant of them have also noticed that ISIS/ISIL/Daesh have spent the last year or so massacring several thousand innocent people, some of them also called Cecil. Of course these - being mere humans - were not cuddly and furry, and are therefore of no interest whatsoever. I'm sorry I mentioned it.

"Lions are safe with me," says Dr Mary Gatter.

Please give generously to the buy-Mary-Gatter-a-Lamborghini-and-persuade-her-to-drive-it-off-a-cliff campaign!

A Plutonian visits Earth

This is Plutonian Astronaut Buzz Weeblezog reporting back on my recent mission to Earth. Following a recent visit to our beloved Pluto by a craft sent by the Earhlings, we took a trip to Earth to see whether intelligent life had started to develop there. When we last visited the planet, 50 Earth-years ago, the world was under the control of hippies, liberals, communists, and the Spirit of Vatican II, so we decided to come back later when their civilisation had developed beyond this.

The Plutonian space craft blasts off. (H/T @spockpuppet)

I regret to say that the Earth is still as barbarous as ever it was. I discovered an organization called Planned Parenthood whose sole purpose is to enable Earthwomen to destroy their young. These are then sold to distinctly dubious organizations: I could not determine whether the young were used for experiments, evil rituals, or simply cooked and eaten, but it seemed that all these are considered to be legitimate activities.

"Crusher" Debbie of Planned Parenthood. Never say she has no heart!

Religion continues to flourish on Earth, although there are many "God deniers". We found a big man dressed in white, whose job it is to guide a large group of religious people. This he does (mysteriously) by venerating communist artefacts - these celebrate a form of government that was very active when we last visited, and which killed millions of people.

The big white man has one overwhelming fear - that the world may end with something called "Climate Change". For us Plutonians the Earth is indeed very hot, although no more so than when we last visited. We do not yet have the big white man's comments on the killing organization Planned Parenthood.

The big white man thinks that he will be saved if he collects enough "Air Miles".

Elsewhere, we observed a strange tendency for male humans to attempt to breed with other males, or females with females, sometimes using a courtship ritual that involves waving a striped flag. Perhaps their knowledge of biology is not as advanced as we thought.

This was just a short visit, and unfortunately we mostly observed the Earthlings engaged in wickedness. Still, it is not all mass murder, although this does seem to be one of their most popular customs.

A rare indication that humans may be more advanced than animals.

Conclusion: the planet is not yet sufficiently developed for us to wish to make contact with its inhabitants. Except, perhaps, the cats.