This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Saturday, 28 September 2013

Have you tried Eccles's Blogg? Aw, go on! Go on!

A special article in the Daily Telegraph from Damian Thompson.

Damian Thompson

Eccles has taught me all I know about custard.

Here’s some advice for Kieran Conry, Richard Dawkins, Iain Dale, and Stephen Fry. If you didn’t catch up with Eccles's blogg this week, don’t bother now. You’ll spoil your weekend. On the other hand, everyone else is in for a treat. Forget those tedious Telegraph blogs and read something with genuine spiritual nourishment. As Arthur Conan Doyle would say: Go on. Go on. Go on, go on, GO ON!!!!

Mary Riddell

Mary Riddell - a poor imitation of Eccles's Anti Moly.

Eccles is at the forefront of modern blogging - and opinion forming. He adopted Cardinal Ouellet as a papal candidate, and soon afterwards Cardinal Belgrano was elected Pope. He criticised Arthur Roche, and this led directly to his promotion to archbishop, with responsibility for closing churches in Rome. He praised Paul Inwood's innovative approach to "Vogon" music, and the old man was sent packing by Bishop Egan.

Darth Vader, bagpipes, unicycle

Star Wars, bagpipes, unicycles - back in fashion since Eccles posted this on Twitter.

Eccles has an ear for music that Van Gogh (and our own bloggers Stephen Hough and James MacMillan) could only envy. Who else would dare to help Christina Rossetti rewrite In the bleak midwinter?

It was quite a nice day,
Not too hot or cold,
They had lovely weather
In the days of old.

Tom Chivers

Tom Chivers - I gave him a job thinking that he'd write about jelly.

Of course, there are some Telegraph bloggers who are not overshadowed by Eccles. Young Michael "Mi" Wright, is our Tech blogger, who tweets as @brokenteacuplad, and so far Eccles has not yet turned his hand to technology. Also, we've got Gerald Warner, Ed West, Peter Mullen and David Lindsay. Oh, did we lose them? Well, never mind.

Molly's World

Moly (now retired) was a troll that I employed to drive up the hits on my blog.

Eccles is also relatively silent on environmental issues, whereas we have our great double act of Geoffrey Fat and James Upthepole, to tell us (a) the world will burst into flames next week unless we ban all motor cars (b) we're heading for a new Ice Age.

But in general the Telegraph blogs cannot compete with Eccles. His best line of the week? Out go Humanae Vitae and the other fuddy-duddy documents! In comes your own Episcopal Encyclical Fac Rem Tuam (or, since Latin is obviously not "cool", you may just say Do your own thing).

Pope and Oyster card

A fan of Eccles wonders why his Oyster card has stopped working.

Which isn't to say that Eccles is always being rude about people. His Eccles Bible Project has now reached the book of 1 Chronicles, and throws new light on the subject of Jizreel, Jishma, Jidbash, and their sister Hazlelponi. Scholars have said that it includes the definitive study of Hazlelponi.

If only Eccles would agree to write for the Telegraph blogs! But he already writes, under various pseudonyms, for the Tablet, Beano, Luton Budgie-Fanciers Gazette, Babes in Custard, and other scholarly publications, so he simply hasn't got the time!

Luton budgie

The budgie-fanciers of Luton do not know how lucky they are!


  1. Paula N Wood whom you mention Eccles, composed "Sprinkling with Vader" as a testimonial to the Star Wars Masses. She has also written, "Interception Responses" that have invaded the church in this Star Wars post-conciliar epoch. She added the "Millenium Scare" a few years later in 1999.

  2. There's a typo in the headline title here: don't you mean "Goon! Goon!" - must be the reference to Damain or Paula or is it Bishop Egoon?

  3. Dear Sir,

    Our local newsagent does not stock Babes in Custard on his top shelf, neither have I seen the publication on the table at the back of Westminster Cathedral, although they do seem to promote that racy and risqué rag The Tablet. Can you advise?

    Eager of South London

    1. On balance, I think "Babes in Custard" is less offensive than the Tablet, bruvver Lon.

    2. As a 7 foot tall witch I had no trouble in retrieving a copy of "Babes in Custard" from the top shelf of my local McColls. Here is a sample of a brave northern lass in thrall to the animal magnetism of Damian Thomson.!/image/1241622916.jpg_gen/derivatives/landscape_595/1241622916.jpg

  4. Darling eccles, good job you're not writing for the Telingraf, as they banned me for bein the rabit xx Jess

    1. Everyone is the rabit, dear Jess. Including Anti Moly and me.

    2. I has prolly been banned for bein the Rabit more than most. On the other hand I prolly deserved bein banned more because I am the Rabit. Bein banned goes with the job of bein the Rabit.

      If you has been banned for bein the Rabit and is not the Rabit you is mostly bein banned under false pretences and should be truly ashamed of yourselves.

    3. U is all de rabit, only I is not de rabit.