When I was a lad...

If you didn't enjoy I've got a little list, I am the very model of a modern liberal Catholic, or The nightmare song, then you certainly won't enjoy this one. In case the original is unfamiliar, it may be found here, for example.

Ready for the song...

When I was a lad I spent six terms
At Oxford, studying the voles and worms.
I also learnt about the frogs and mice,
And camels, crocodiles, and goats and lice.
I learned so much about zoologee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learned so much about zoologee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Ready for the next verse...

To reach the top I had to climb uphill,
And started studying for my D.Phil.
I wrote a thesis about how hens behaved:
For four long years upon this work I slaved.
I understood those chickens so successfullee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He understood those chickens so successfullee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

A well-understood chicken.

Of chicken-knowledge I acquired such a grip,
Those Oxford dons gave me a lectureship.
I told the students everything I knew
And most of them came back for Lecture 2.
I taught those students so efficientlee
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He taught those students so efficientlee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

The Elvis gene.

In public life I came upon the scene
By writing something called The selfish gene.
Of fame and glory I began to dream
When people said they liked my new word, "Meme".
I grew so used to saying "Me me me"
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He grew so used to saying "Me me me"
That now he is an expert on theologee!

On to the next verse, dudes!

I wrote another book - it was a grind - 
Of watches made by someone who was blind.
On evolution I was now expert
And treated all religious views like dirt.
I studied Darwin so assiduouslee
That now I am an expert on theologee!
 
CHORUS: He studied Darwin so assiduouslee
That now he is an expert on theologee!

The Ascent of Darwin.

In private life I'd been a little bored,
But my third wife was actress Lalla Ward.
She was no scientist, it's true,
Although she'd come to fame in Dr Who.
I learnt so much from planet Gallifree
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: He learnt so much from planet Gallifree
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Mrs Dawkins enjoys an audio book of The Blind Watchmaker.

I walked one day around New College quad,
And thought "I know, I'll start attacking God!"
The God Delusion was the book I wrote:
Its healthy sales made me show off and gloat.
The masses so much liked tomfooleree
That now I am an expert on theologee!

CHORUS: The masses so much liked tomfooleree
That now he is an expert on theologee!

Richard helps a poor mad woman onto his bus.

I got up to a few more tricks
By baiting Anglicans and Catholics.
I tried to persecute the Pope:
I said "Arrest him!" They replied "You dope!"
I hassled Christians so effectivelee
They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

CHORUS: He hassled Christians so effectivelee
They said "He is an expert on theologee!"

Monsieur, je vous accuse d'être le Pape.

Now readers all, whoever you may be,
If you want to be an expert on theologee,
Don't read the Bible, Augustine, Jerome,
Or any writings from those men in Rome.
Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee -
And you all may be experts on theologee!

CHORUS: Just rant and rage incomprehensiblee -
And you all may be experts on theologee!

That's not how I became an expert on theology.

The Book of St Richard, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1

1.Thus it came to pass that in the eighth year of the reign of Queen Elizabeth, when Macmillan was governor of Westminster, a youth by the name of Richard Dawkins went to Oxford to study zoology.

2. And he learned the ways of the ferret, yeah and the ways of the terrapin. The ways of the donkey and the vole studied he also, and for many days he studied the ways of the earwig. And... (Get on with it. God.)

3. But the way of the marsh-wiggle studied he not, nor the ravenous bugblatter beast of Traal. Neither did he study the way of the snark.

4. Nor indeed did he study the ways of the cookie monster. For the learned professors in their wisdom said unto Richard, "These animals are a snare and a delusion, and not real animals at all."

A snare and a delusion

5. And Richard was troubled in his heart and said, "Surely this proves that God is also a delusion?" For logic was not his strong point.

6. Thus after three years of study, in which he learned the ways of the possum, yeah and the ways of the whelk... (I said, get on with it. God.)

7. It came to pass that Richard said to himself, "I am as clever as anyone else round here, and I shall write a thesis on animal behaviour."

8. And the learned doctors they said, "Richard, thou whose mind is as the icebergs of the north, vast but frozen, go thou forth and write a thesis on models of animal decision-making."

9. And Richard said, "Yea, I shall tell the world how chickens make decisions. How doth the little chicken know when to say 'cheep' and when to remain silent? How doth a wise chicken weigh up the evidence and decide that there is no God? Why doth the foolish chicken sing 'cluck' to the Lord?"

A decisive chicken

10. Thus three years passed, and Richard wrote his mighty thesis. And the men of Oxford said, "Richard, you are too brainy for us. Go thou to Berkeley."

11. And Richard took unto himself a wife, the first of three comely wenches to be fascinated by his charm and animal magnetism, and he made his way to California, the land of the fanatical, the deranged, and the exhibitionist. Strangely, he felt at home there.

12. And it came to pass after three more years, that Richard decided that the time had come to grow into manhood, for he was twenty-nine years of age and people were starting to say, "Surely this limey kook is the oldest hippie on campus?"

13. And so Richard returned to Oxford, there to take up the post of lecturer in zoology.

14. And he spake unto the people, telling them the ways of the hedgehog, and the emu, and... (I warned you. God.)

An Oxford zoologist

Continued in Chapter 3.