Design your own God!

As a service to my friend "Archbishop" Justin Welby (He/Him on the one hand, She/Her on the other hand, and also Bleep/Bloop in a very real sense) we are providing some useful advice to the Church of England as it decides to reject Christianity and go its own way (no longer following the 1st Century Heiliger Geist but the 21st century Zeitgeist).

The statue of Christ the King is attacked by a Welby-Cottrell^TM Death Ray.

From now on all religious documents, Bibles, hymn books, prayer books, etc. will need to be pulped and replaced by new "Woke" editions. OUT GO God the Father, Our Father who art in Heaven, Lord Jesus Christ, etc. and IN COME God the parent, Our parent who art - somewhere or other, but it may be downstairs rather than upstairs - and Christ the Aristocrat.

Fr James Martin LGBTSJ (slightly Catholic) has already decreed that the Holy Spirit is feminine.

"Isn't this going to cost a lot of money?" you may be asking. Well, it should be possible to divert all that cash we're giving to earthquake victims in Turkey and Syria into more worthy causes, such as making sure that nobody is upset by God's choosing a gender that they find offensive (this is far worse than being trapped under a collapsed building!) In Phase 2 we'll be sending the Muslim world new non-binary Korans, anyway.

Still, while we're updating all the Church of England books, please note that we have been asked by our Supreme Governor, King Charles III, or at least by some of his menials (M.P.s) to allow blessings of sin.

We're starting slowly with same-sex relationships (or "marriages" as they are laughingly called). A suitable liturgy is being drafted, but since this is the C of E you are of course allowed to make up your own words and nobody will complain.

Next month we shall be dismantling the ten commandments: adulterers, thieves and murderers are already queuing up for blessings.

"O God (He/She/They), who gave us Henry VIII (He/Him) as a model for our church, and thus inspired us to follow his path of adultery, theft and murder, we ask you now to bless "Casanova" John, "Fingers" Irene, and "Slasher" Maurice as they pursue their spiritual paths of lechery, shoplifting and throat-cutting."

LATE NEWS: God is apparently not amused by the Church of England's activities, and the end of the world has accordingly been advanced. Well, you can't say that we didn't all deserve a bit of smiting...

God decides to fix climate change.

Sex-selective murder is not prohibited

In the UK, we have traditionally taken a dim view of murder. Of course, the law has always recognised exceptions: when the killer's life is in danger, or someone else's, then killing may be allowed (the self-defence plea). Moreover, murder on health grounds - assisted suicide - is not usually prosecuted as it would not be "in the public interest". You're not interested in the fact that old Mrs Goggins was bumped off, are you? Well, you've no right to be.

"I don't need any assistance, thank you very much."

Still, things have drifted slightly since the 1960s, and it became necessary to clarify whether one was allowed to bump someone off on the basis of their gender (sex). Having Auntie Moly around the house all day long drinking gin is such a nuisance, and I would have preferred an uncle, with whom I would have had more in common. He would probably have helped with the garden too. Auntie Moly's presence is damaging my health, indeed you might exaggerate 100 times and say that my life is in danger. So I can murder her, right?

WRONG. The law forbids this. Or does it?

"Legislation isn't needed," says Yvette Cooper.

Yvette Cooper ("the only woman with Balls" as a rude joke has it) thinks that legislation to clarify this matter would be a bad idea. As explained by Tim Stanley, the arguments against making sex-selective murder illegal are:

0. It's already illegal, but we mustn't say so, as that will stop 
people from doing it.
1. Using the word "murder" isn't in the spirit of anti-murder 
legislation.
2. There are faults specific to each sex, e.g. men are lazy and women 
are garrulous (or vice-versa) and so, er, this is a bad idea.
3. Stopping murders may cause people to murder, in frustration at not 
being allowed to murder.
4. It stigmatises the "murdering community".

Jack the Ripper. Chose his victims by gender, but don't stigmatise him!

So, no change there, then. Murder remains mostly illegal, even though everyone's doing it. Murder on the basis of the victim's sex is also illegal, but we mustn't say so. And in fact, the law will probably turn a blind eye if you try it. British justice - the finest in the world!

ISIS offers to merge with Amnesty International

The Muslim organization ISIS (specialities: murdering unarmed women, children, journalists, taxi-drivers, in fact anyone who can't fight back) has offered a merger to Amnesty International (specialities: well, originally fighting against torture and unjust imprisonment, and now campaigning for changes in abortion law).

A proposed logo for the new combined organization.

Said a spokesman for the Satanic State, Mr B. El-Zebub, "We really admire what Amnesty is doing. I mean, we're very proud of our record of killing the weak and helpless, but Amnesty is set to outdo us easily. We've been looking at abortion statistics, and we simply can't compete in terms of slaying innocent people."

His friend "Jihadi Jimmy" was quick to agree. "I like killing defenceless people and biting the heads off small fluffy kittens, all in the name of Allah the Merciful, but massacring babes in the womb and calling this a human right takes cruelty and depravity to a new level. I'm all for it."

Brave Jihadi Jimmy ran away in terror when this cat mewed at him.

So far Amnesty International has not issued any response to the offer from ISIS, but we understand that some of its supporters are very keen on the proposal. Having won a Nobel Peace Prize in 1977, Amnesty is already associated with some extremely dubious characters, some of whom are sympathetic to the new culture of mass murder. So a merger with ISIS is an offer that they will surely take seriously.

No longer members of Amnesty.

Graduality, or how to be saved the easy way

Thanks to the Synod on the Family, the idea of graduality, also known as gradualism, has come back into fashion. The basic idea here is that we are none of us perfect, but hey, we don't need to be, at least not yet!

Beginners should start by trying to obey just one commandment.

Find the Ten Commandments a bit of a challenge? Well, pick one of the easiest to obey, and start with that. This is what I have decided to do, and so now I give you the ECCLES PLEDGE: I promise not to commit murder. Or at least, not very often. This leaves me with more time free for other sins, such as coveting my neighbour's donkey, stealing, or bowing down to graven images.

Eccles's Anti Moly is very pleased that Eccles has pledged not to murder her.

Of course, for some people, even giving up murder is too ambitious. As Cardinal Kasper says, we should show compassion even towards those who have chosen a serial-killing lifestyle. If - like so many of my readers - you are a serial killer, then may I respectfully suggest that you start by cutting down a little? Say one murder a month? I believe that you can buy little sticky patches to put on your arm, which give you all the stimulation of serial killing, without actually having to go out and commit the sin of murder.

Likewise, if you are given to adulterous affairs, bishop, then the gradualist approach is to progressively reduce the number of marriages you break up, until you are down to one at a time, or even none!

St Augustine of Hippo: "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet!"

Now, how does this work for people who are divorced and remarried? Will they gradually be admitted to communion? Well, the first time they approach the altar steps they will be condemned by the priest in thunderous tones: "BEGONE! ADULTEROUS VERMIN!" Then the next time, the priest will say "Oooh, you are awful, but I like you!" but still refuse them communion. Until eventually the priest will say "Well, what's the odd sinful lifestyle between friends? Probably, Jesus was only joking! Come and join in the fun!" Thus our separated brethren are ACCEPTED once more.

Or they could give up their second marriage bit by bit. They might start by sleeping in the garden shed, to avoid the temptations of the flesh. Eventually they could return to their previous spouse: this could be awkward if he or she has remarried, but, hey, it is better to have three in a bed than only two, if it's the wrong two.

Thou hast had seven husbands... even if they are on the small side.

Well, I hope you have found this little guide to gradualism helpful. Next week, we explain how a compulsive bower down to graven images can gradually repent, so that soon they simply give graven images a polite nod when they pass them in the street. Thus, according to my brother Bosco, they will have done almost all that needs to be done to assure Salvation.

Even cardinals can be saved.

Cardinal Kasper: the Pope's boss

As the Vatican's Extraordinary Synod on the Family approaches, we were lucky to be able to talk to Cardinal Walter Kasper, the man who has already decided what conclusions it will reach.

Pope Francis reacts enthusiastically on hearing what Kasper has decided.

"They're all out to get me," explained Wally. "All those Catholic fundamentalists who insist on being guided by scripture and tradition. After 2000 years of believing the same thing, you'd think that people would realise that it was time for a change! So now that I am in charge of the Catholic church - and Francis is my sockpope - I have called this synod to tell you which new doctrines I'm introducing."

A solution to an unhappy marriage.

"My colleagues tell me that it's unworkable," he continued, "but, after all, if a marriage is going through a bad patch, then Christian charity says that the partners should resolve the problem by having extra-marital affairs, or - if they are unable to agree on this - that one should murder the other. That's what Christ would have recommended if He had had the benefit of my teaching! We cannot simply take an off-the-cuff remark from the Bible, such as 'Thou shalt do no murder' and use it as a basis for our own actions."

Kasper's views are strongly supported by the Tablet. Although not going so far as to advocate murder, many of its journalists agree that Wally is on the right track here. "We believe in a compassionate Church, said one correspondent, "and that means saying to sinners, 'We love you, and we love your sins. Don't try and change!'"

Henry VIII - once described by Pope Leo X as "Defender of the Faith" - was also a good family man.

Kasper has explained that Sensus Kasperi in its widest sense should be the basis of all Catholic teaching; this means that he will carefully weigh up all the issues involved before deciding on the most deranged solution possible.

However, Cardinal Burke, for one, has made remarks which suggest some measure of disagreement with Sensus Kasperi. "The man's a nutter who should have been sent packing years ago," he advised us. "He doesn't know this yet, but he's about to be exiled to a recently vacant diocese in England - they'll put up with anyone over there!"

Likewise, Cardinal Pell, on being told what Kasper had in mind, was careful to be diplomatic in his criticisms. "The old geezer's got as much idea of Catholicism as a drunken wombat," he commented. "Wait until he experiences some real Aussie sledging at the synod. He won't know what hit him."

The Pope's new adviser.

So it seems that things will not run smoothly for Wally. It may even be the case that he will not have the Pope in his pocket after all. Throughout the synod we will be bringing you up-to-the-minute coverage, making sure that you don't miss any of the thrills, spills, blood, guts, and mayhem.

A badge being worn by many at the synod.

How to address the clergy

If you are reading this blog, you probably encounter clergy on a regular basis - whether Catholic, Anglican, Orthodox, or something else - and indeed you may even be a person of the cloth. However, you may not be precisely sure how to address them, and how to treat them.

A deacon or "Reverend Mister". Often he has a second job, e.g., burglar.

Deacons are customarily accorded the "Reverend" title, which means that they should be revered, or held in reverence. When two deacons meet, they say things like "Oh how I revere you!" or "No, I revere you more than you revere me!" Of course being a deacon doesn't make you immune to hypocrisy (you have to be a bishop to achieve that level of purity): I once knew one who had enough planks in his eyes to make an entire shed.

Murder at the vicarage! All in a day's work for a priest!

So we come onto the priesthood, where again "reverence" is the appropriate reaction. Priests come across many sins in their daily round, of which murder is perhaps the most common. The priest above was an Anglican, but the same applies to Catholic priests, of course. Some (particularly the Catholic priests) are addressed as "Father". Not "Dad", not "Pop", just "Father".

Fr Brown. (The raised umbrella on a dry day is a liturgical error.)

After that it gets complicated. There are lots of clergy with titles such as Canon Street, Metropolitan Line, Marble Archdeacon, etc. but I think we'll move straight on to Monsignor.

Mgr Ronald Knox. What is it about the clergy and crime?

These chaps used to be regarded as Very Reverend, or in some circumstances Right Reverend, but have now been downgraded to "Reverend". Since future Monsignors will have to be at least 105 years of age, it won't matter how you address them as they won't be able to hear you anyway.

Bishops, then...

You address a bishop as "My Lord", although they are also "Right Reverend". This shows that they are the bosses, are always right, and should obeyed under all circumstances. In return for your squirming in their presence, they undertake always to be loyal to the Pope, the Queen, the Magnificent Archdruid of the Luminous Feet, or whatever the big cheese in their church is called.

Four young members of the dissident group ACTA, turned away by a faithful bishop.

Archbishops are a bit more senior. I was told "Say 'Your Grace', Eccles, when you meet Archbishop Nichols," but the poor man looked disconcerted when I began "For what we are about to receive..." So this one is a mystery to me.

Cardinal Murphy-O'Connor ("His Eminence").

Cardinals are "His Eminence" or "Your Eminence". This is a bit of a come-down, really, as being "eminent" is less impressive than being "reverend", surely. It's not much better than just being a celebrity, like Eminem. Still, these are the princes of the Church, so should be regarded as eminent in the same way, as, say, Prince Harry.

A Pope, with birds of pray.

Popes are very busy men, asked to give many off-the-cuff newspaper interviews in addition to their ecclesiastical responsibilities. If you meet a pope - perhaps performing papal duties at your local bird sanctuary - call him "Your Holiness". This is to emphasise that he's not merely eminent, like a cardinal, but is in many ways a saved person. If he then says "Bless you!" it would be discourteous to point out that you didn't sneeze.

No exemptions for Christians

Following a brilliantly original High Court decision by Mr Justice Langstaff that keeping holy the Sabbath day is not a "core component" of Christian belief, and that Christians may henceforth be forced to work on Sundays, we asked a few other High Court judges to explain Christianity to us.

Mr Justice Dredd.

"A prohibition against killing isn't a core component of Christian belief," explained Mr Justice Dredd. "Trust me, I'm a judge, I know these things. If an employer asks a Christian to murder one of his competitors, then the Christian has no right to object on grounds of conscience. It is true that under company law, murders are only permitted if the details are fully disclosed to shareholders at the annual general meeting, but this is not usually a problem."

Judge Dredd went on to explain that he was a great fan of the James Bond films, in which Bond, a pious Catholic, had been given a licence to kill. He had observed that Agent 007 never let his faith stand in the way if it became necessary to blow up the underwater lair of a crazed megalomaniac whose aim was to take over the world, and so he knew exactly what Christianity taught about murder. For that matter, adultery was also occasionally part of the job...

This is all the Law and the Prophets.

Another judge was quick to concur. "There's this commandment about worshipping graven images. Well, we can't give Christians any exemption there, either. Suppose they want to become Conservative cabinet ministers, a noble calling if ever there was one. They would need to kiss all sorts of things en route, including a graven image of David Cameron. They can't expect some sort of exemption, can they?"

Bow, bow, ye lower middle classes! Worship me!

Finally, we asked a Very Senior Judge indeed.

A Very Senior Judge indeed.

Speaking up for Judge Langstaff, a Very Senior Judge indeed agreed that He also expected His employees to work on Sundays; indeed, it was a popular myth amongst the laity that many of His priests only worked on Sundays.

It's no use, Father. You'll have to work Sundays from now on.

So there we have it. Our Lord Langstaff's Summary of the Law is backed by the highest Authority indeed.

Spiritual experiences

We report today from the General Synod of the Church of England, where the Bishop of Bath and Wells, the Rt Rev. Peter Price, has announced that rioting can be, literally, an ecstatic spiritual experience.

A monk obtaining spiritual nourishment

His thesis was taken up by the Bishop of Dartmoor, who encouraged young people seeking spiritual nourishment to try mugging people in the street. Said the bishop, "In this day and age, the Anglican church doesn't seek spirituality through prayer and fasting, let alone the Mass. Young people become closer to God when they see the possibility of grabbing someone's handbag and spending the proceeds on drugs."

It is better to receive than to give

The Bishop of Parkhurst added a new dimension to the debate. "Young people in my diocese tell me that what they are really after is the opportunity of robbing banks. These days, banks and bankers are rightly regarded as the lowest of the low. If Jesus were here now, can one doubt that he would have led his disciples in a daring raid on the Bank of Jordan?"

At Jordan's Bank the burglar alarm announces that the Lord is nigh

Deep theological insight was also provided by the Bishop of Pentonville, who argued that in this day and age, murder could hardly be regarded as a sin, more as a way for frustrated teenagers to express themselves. "Do unto others before they do it unto you, Jesus always said," commented the bishop. "We must not deprive our youngsters of the opportunities for violence that we had when we were young."

Church of England approved spiritual reading

Winding up the debate, the Archbishop of Canterbury commented that, on the one hand theft and murder were traditionally regarded as sins, but on the other hand it was hardly meaningful to talk of Good and Evil in the 21st century. In a very real sense he welcomed this opportunity for a constructive dialogue.

Would the Bishop who stole my wallet please own up now?

Anti Moly on de jurry

In her younger days, Anti Moly was on de jurry of a very excittin murder trail, and she was tellin Bosco and me about it. My Anti Moly is a grate lady, even thuogh she aint saved, so I gonna put de story here too.

It was all about a gang of people accused of murderin someone in a catheddral. Dey swore in de jurry, and when Anti Moly's turn came de usher said "Has you any connectoins wiv de laywers or de defenndants?"

"I hates dem!" said Anti Moly.
"Who?" asked de usher.
"All of dem!" said my dere Anti. "De laywers got wiggs on, dey is sockpoppets, probbably from a traddy cliqque. Allso I knows de judge cos when I was a cleanin lady I used to clean his chammbers. Dey was fillthy I can tell you and..."
"Dat's enough of dat, Mrs Haddock," said de usher. "It dont count."
"Ho hum, I was wonderin why I got frew de gin so quickly," commented de judge.

Here's a photto of Anti Moly addressin de court.

"Does you sware by Almihgty God to be an honest jurrer, to stay awake, and not to shout 'sockpoppet' at de judge?" asked de usher.
"ROFL," said Anti Moly. "I doesn't believe in any gods. And I aint callin him 'Yer honor', he dont know any more about law than I does, I saw de Merchant of Venus at de Pottymouth Playhuose. Dont fink you can pretennd dat de quallity of mercy is straned, you poor sad woeful creecher, cos it aint." (De Pottymouth Playhuose is what Anti Moly used as a sauce of learnin in de old days before she got her educcation from Goggle and Wikkipedia. Usaully dey acted herroic tales of jolly swagmans jumpin into billaboings, but sometimes dey did Shakespear too.)

Well, de case finally got started. De crinimals in de dock was accused of stabbin a Cathlic preist in good standin, and dey pleaded guilty. Since an artist was standin nearby to paint a pitcher of the scene, de evvidence was probbably overwhemling.

"Well," said de judge, "I fink your clients has come to de rihgt decission, Mr Cuttley."
"Objectoin!" screemed Anti Moly. "You aint tellin me dat its a crime now to murder Cathlics, you silly man wiv a wigg?"

De judge was very angrry and he sentenced my Anti Moly for Contepmt of Court. Dis is what dey did to her, and she was very cross.

Dis herroic tale have inspired my bruvver Bosco, dat maybe he can become a judge. Bosco will miss de Day of Judgement, bein saved already, but maybe he can help God make up his mind about dem what aint alreddy saved. So you all gotta be nice to Bosco, he got infleunce.