Brexodus 20 - Bosis smiteth the Corbynites

Continued from Chapter 19.

1. Thus in the seventh month Bosis became the leader of the Conservatites, and was charged with leading the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

2. And he appointed wise counsellors: Sajidiah the chancellor, Dominic the Raabi as secretary for foreigners, and Priti of Patmos as secretary for homes.

3. And Bosis spake unto the Pharaoh Juncker, saying, "The deal of Maysis is not welcome unto us, and if we must, we shall leave without any deal at all. But in any case, we shall leave on the last day of the tenth month."

4. And straightaway there came the season of holy days, and the members of the House of common people went to the Red Seaside with their buckets and spades, and thought how they might cross it.

The Red Sea.

5. But now many men began to desert the troops of Bosis. These included Ken-neth the clerk, Philip of Ham-mon, Nicho-las the Soamanite, and Amber the ruddy one. These were known as "big beasts", especially Nicho-las.

6. And Bosis said "Hitherto I have chastised ye with whips, but now I shall chastise ye with scorpions." But he had no scorpions, and the big beasts reamined unchastised, without the whip.

7. Moreover, John of Ber-cow, he that was called the speaker, whose every word was "Order! Order!" vowed to stop the Brexodus by fair means or foul. For this is called "impartiality".

8. So Bosis said, "May this for a lark be stuffed, and let us send the members of the House of common people back to the Red Seaside, to a place called Pro-rog, that they thwart me not."

9. But at that time the children of Bri-tain were really being ruled by Judges. Thus, in the courts of the supreme, it was decided that the House of common people must leave Pro-rog, and return to work.

10. And all the people rejoiced, for is not the word of an unelected judge to be preferred above the word of an elected leader?

The judges dress up as tigers in order to frighten Bosis.

11. Now Bosis returned from the Pharaoh with a new deal, and he vowed once again to leave at the end of the tenth month.

12. But, owing to a series of events which are too complex for this book, especially if it is to be read out at Mass when people are thinking of something else, he was unable to leave.

13. For Oliver the Lost One, aided by Ber-cow the speaker, forced Bosis to write to the Pharaoh Juncker and Donald Ivereigh-Tusk, saying "We wish to remain in the land of EUgypt for a bit longer, as we are having such a great time."

14. And Bosis sent the letter, but refused to sign it. Indeed, he sent a second letter, saying, "Please ignore the first letter for I was being tortured when I wrote it."

15. However, the Pharaoh guessed that the first letter was from Bosis, and granted him a few more months of servitude.

Bosis maketh things perfectly clear.

16. In the end the House of common people, having debated for three years on the question of Brexodus, agreed to dissolve itself, and allow the children of Bri-tain to elect new leaders.

17. And Ber-cow vowed to speak no more. Although he was later heard speaking on the visions of Tele.

18. Thus there were four main tribes involved in the election: the Conservatites of Bosis, the Corbynites of Jeremiah (he who hated the children of Israel), the Liberated Democratites of Josephine, and the Scottites of the north, who worshipped a giant sturgeon.

19. So for forty days and forty nights the four tribes put forth their empty promises ("a camel in every home", "handmaidens to satisy your every wish", "a land flowing with milk and honey") to the children of Bri-tain. And the children of Bri-tain threw their words into the burning fiery furnace.

Bosis meeteth his adversaries, including the Count of Binface, at the bridge of Ux.

20. So finally, in the middle of the twelfth month, the people showed their wishes by writing a mighty "X" on the papers of ballot.

21. And, when the votes were counted, it was seen that Bosis had vanquished the Corbynites. Also, Josephine the Democratite was cast into the outer darkness, as were many other famous men, including Chukhas Ur-money and some of the big beasts.

22. Thus Bosis was granted five more years in which to leave the land of EUgypt. If he could.

Continued in Chapter 21.

What should Jesus have done?

In the old days, whenever we faced a dilemma, we would ask ourselves "What would Jesus do?"

Of course, this guidance is more useful in some situations than others: "We have run out of wine. What would Jesus do?" Well, we know the answer to that one, Jesus would have asked for some large pots, and made some more. However, this doesn't always work (I've tried it).

A common problem.

"This church has got a gift shop, selling selling picture postcards, bronze statues of Vincent Nichols, and copies of the Tablet. What would Jesus do?" Well, Jesus would have made a whip out of knotted cords and driven the whole lot out into the street. I haven't tried that one, so far.

But now we come to "What should Jesus have done?" and this is a hole that some quite well-known clerics are prepared to dig for themselves. Cardinal O'Malley, for example: "If I were founding a church, I’d love to have women priests. But Christ founded it, and what he has given us is something different." Oh, Jesus! If you'd only had Sean O'Malley to advise you! Probably You'd have bought Yourself a brown dressing-gown as well, and for the Last Supper You'd have had something more exciting than bread and wine! But it's too late now - we're stuck with Christianity, when O'Malleyanity would have been so much more fun!

Sean O'Malley. Not destined to found a church.

Then we have Giles Fraser batting for the Anglicans, who have just decided to create women bishops. "Hallelujah, the long wait for female bishops is over at last!" he squeals. He concludes by patronizing the poor souls in his church who hold "to my mind, reprehensible, views" on the ordination of women. What he means here is "Jesus got it wrong. His views are reprehensible. Only I, Giles Fraser, Guardian Correspondent, star of the Today programme, and Anglican vicar (yes, really) hold the key to this savage parade! I have already condemned Jesus's view that marriage is for one man and one woman only as 'bigoted', and now I am kicking Him on the priesthood question."

This is what an Anglican vicar looks like.

Look, guys. It's OK to bash bishops when they need it - after all, "The road to Hell is paved with the bones of priests and monks, and the skulls of bishops are the lamp posts that light the path," as St John Chrysostom pointed out. It's even OK to bash cardinals when they need it - most readers of this blog will agree that Cardinal Kasper is a fruitcake if ever there was one - and it's all right to admit that some popes are altogether brainier, wiser and more coherent than others. But when it comes to starting your prayers with "O Lord, here is a list of things you should have done better..." then perhaps there's something wrong somewhere.

St John Chrysostom - not often invited to bishops' parties.

1 Kings

Well, I've been a little busy recently doing blog repairs, but the Eccles Bible Project must go on. In particular, I am being telephoned at all hours of the day and night by a retired zoologist in Oxford, who is studying this course with great interest.

Mr Eccles cannot speak to you right now, Professor Dawkins.

"I'm bored, Eccles," says this zoologist, a modest chap who wishes to remain nameless. "Give me more spiritual nourishment, or I'll have to go back to spending all day on Twitter as follows:

Monday: Insult Catholics.
Tuesday: Insult Muslims.
Wednesday: Re-tweet sycophantic remarks saying how great I am.
Thursday:  Insult pro-lifers, opponents of SSM, anyone 
with any moral views.
Friday: Day of abstinence. Off Twitter. Working on new book 
More garbage. I'll think of a better title later.
Saturday: Regret insulting all Catholics; insult the Pope instead.
Sunday: Attend Church of [my name] and accept praise from grateful
worshippers.

So, let's get on with 1 Kings.

Or should it be "3 Kings"?

It's been pointed out to me that some Bibles used by Catholics - although not all - would call this "3 Kings" and the books of Samuel would be 1 Kings and 2 Kings. Well, whatever we call it, it does contain lots of historical stuff about Kings of Israel.

Solomon, son of David, is well-known: ♫ Zadok the priest and Nathan the prophet anoin-ted Sol-o-mo-on KING! ♫ - as Handel put it.

God offers Solomon a wish: Ask what thou wilt that I should give thee. Solomon turns down the obvious things - money, women, Jerusalem to win the cup ... and asks: Give therefore to thy servant an understanding heart, to judge thy people, and discern between good and evil.

THIS PLEASES GOD. So much so that Solomon ends up with lots of money and women as well.

Some of Solomon's 700 mothers-in-law.

Well, that's our bit of moral teaching out of the way. Solomon also builds a temple, which will survive 400 years until Nebuchadnezzar knocks it down to make way for a housing estate. More on that later.

We fast-forward to the death of Solomon the Wise, and the arrival on the scene of his son Rehoboam (or Roboam) the Unwise. His offer to the people is, frankly, not a great vote-winner: My father beat you with whips, but I will beat you with scorpions.

Actually, some of my customers do ask for the "scorpion" service.

For what it's worth, the old men had given better advice than this, but it was the young men who came up with this vote-loser.

So the kingdom is divided - Rehoboam is left with just two of the twelve tribes (in the south), while Jeroboam, a known trouble-maker, gets the other ten (in the north).

A short guide to Biblical characters.

The brand-name Israel goes with Jeroboam's kingdom, although in fact we should be just as interested in the "other one", which is Judah.

One of the most important people not yet mentioned is Elijah (Elias) the prophet, who takes on the rival prophets of Baal and wins. You may say that's not very difficult, really, as Baal is a made-up God, but it does help if you've got a good line to the real God when necessary. Nowadays there are very few people who worship Baal, even in Oxford.

Look, I can see you're fidgeting, Richard. I know it was you who was rustling those papers. And stop pulling Polly Toynbee's hair. Honestly, these Bible classes become harder and harder to control. Go and look up Jezebel, and write me an essay on what happened to her. Something to do with dogs, you'll find...

Jezebel, wife of Ahab, and another villain.

O.K. Class dismissed!

Bosco asks to be bitten

I asked my dere bruvver Bosco wot I shuold blogg on, as fings is a little quiet rihgt now, and he said "Blog this Eccles......BITE ME" (I is copyin his words verbattim).

It is a well known fact dat Bosco is gettin more acetic these days. He made some unsucessful attempts to morttify de flesh by consultin a dame who knows about whippin (see an earlier blogg), but all he ended up wiv was a year's supply of Sister Whippy's milky puddin. We is still eatin de horrid stuff.

Now Bosco is takin dis mortifyin de flesh fing more seriuosly, and when I asked him how I cuold help my luvvin bruvver, he said "BITE ME". Well, pussonally I doesnt go ruond bitin poeple, I leaves dat to de foobtall players, so I asked Anti Moly what to do, and she said "I'll bite im, de stupid clown." I wants to save Anti Moly and I don't fink saved poeple goes aruond biting dere nehpews, so we compromissed. I borrowed her spare pear of flase teef and left dem on Bosco's chair.

Bosco sat down on de teef and arose from his chair sayin "Fank you, Eccles, I is feelin much more spirritaul now." Sometimes I does fings dat reely please him.

De next idea I had was based on a little known probblem dat Anti Moly has wiv her hare. If she doesnt wash it in a good danndruf shammpoo she comes out in snakes (de doctor said it was called de Medussa synndrome). Dis is what she looked like last time she had dis hare conddition.

So I fuoght dat Anti Moly cuold let her hare grow and de snakes cuold bite Bosco, thus puriffyin his suol. But she refussed to do it, sayin it was too much trubble.

We rejeccted de idea of askin Anti's dog Cerberrus to bite Bosco, as last time it caught a nasty illness and had to go and see 3 vets. Also his girlfiend Camila Van Pyre aint on bitin terms wiv Bosco rihgt now, since she fuond out dat he is also chasin a dame called Hilda.

De probblem was solved in an unexpected way. Bosco was out in de fields dis evenin followin labms when a wolf turned up and bit him.

As you see if you looks carefully at my pitcher, Bosco has changed his appearrance. Maybe dis is God's way of showin him dat he is trully saved. What is strange is dat Bosco keeps goin outside to howl at de moon - or maybe he is singin a hynm dat goes "YOWWWW!" I cant find dat one in de Calumny Chappel Book of Hynms for Saved Poeple, maybe it is a Bapptist hynm.