The Book of Covidicus 17: The Sins of Hanoch

Continued from Chapter 16.

1. And now, Theophilus, I must break my rule of writing just one chapter for each month of these wondrous events: for in the sixth month of the second year there came a great shame upon the people of Bri-tain.

2. For Matthew of Hanoch, the trusted adviser of Bo-sis, was discovered in an amorous relation with a lady named Castel Sant'Angelo, who was not his wife.

The Sun shineth upon Matthew of Hanoch.

3. These deeds broke the great commandments, which Matthew had written out on stone tablets for all to obey on pain of death.

4. Thou shalt keep thy hands to thyself.

5. Thou shalt cover thy face at all times.

6. Thou shalt keep a distance of four cubits between thyself and any other person at all times.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. (Deleted at the request of Bo-sis.)

Bo-sis receiveth the commandments.

8. And the people spake out with great wrath saying, "I wished to visit my aged grandmother, but she hath spent the last 15 months sitting in a pool of hand sanitizer, and I have not been able even to embrace her."

9. "However, Matthew of Hanoch is able to perform the ancient rituals known as Kan Oodle in the Corridors of Power. He must go!"

10. And the people recalled that at the time of Brexodus, when ten brave men had fought to take over from May-sis as leader, one of those great men had been Matthew of Hanoch (nul points).

The ten disciples of May-sis. All are pure save one alone.

11. "Blessed are we," they said, "for we might have chosen a leader who was a lecherous adulterer. But instead we chose Bo-sis."

12. Then the people recalled the story of Neil, son of Fergus, who had been cast into the outer darkness by Matthew of Hanoch because of his inappropriate use of models.

13. But Bo-sis replied "I have the greatest confidence in Matthew of Hanoch. For he is a master of confidence tricks."

14. So at last the people of Bri-tain spake out with one voice: "MATTHEW OF HANOCH MUST GO!"

15. So he did.

"Bless me, Father, for I have breached the guidance."

Continued in Chapter 18.

Brexodus 19 - the return of Bosis

Continued from Chapter 18.

1. So Maysis had vowed that she would no longer lead the children of Bri-tain round in circles, looking for an exit from the land of EUgypt. Thus it became necessary to choose another leader.

Maysis raiseth her eyes to Heaven.

2. And ten brave men came forth and said "Let me rule over you."

3. These included names that were well known to the Conservatites, such as Bosis, Jeremiah the Hunter, Michael the Governor, and Sajidiah the secretary of homes; and, noisiest of all, Rorate the mighty walker.

4. This Rorate was wont to walk in the green fields, hoping that he might find people on whom he could drop down his thoughts.

Two pictures of Rorate.

5. But then the candidates disappeared one by one, as in the fabled book of Anima Christi, known as "Ten little Tories", which was known throughout the land of Bri-tain.

6. So finally there remained only Bosis and Jeremiah, and they were to be considered by the whole tribe of Conservatites.

7. Meanwhile, the Pharaoh of EUgypt, known as Juncker, wished to retire in order to spend his declining years with his wine cellar.

8. Thus there stepped forth a new female Pharaoh, Ursula of Lebanon, and she was chosen by means of a mystic process known as democracy. That is, a mighty voice spake out saying: "We proclaim Ursula the Queen of EUgypt. Like it or lump it."

9. And the high council of EUgypt made their decision: three hundred and eighty-three people voted to like the new queen, and three hundred and twenty-seven voted to lump her. And so she was elected.

Pharaoh Juncker offereth the new Queen the Sign of Peace.

10. At last, finally, the tribe of Conservatites decided who should lead them out of the land of EUgypt on the last day of October.

11. And the choice was Bosis.

Bosis descendeth from Heaven. Except that he getteth stuck.

12. Then the people expressed their delight by cheering, hissing, wailing, gnashing their teeth, and uttering angry tweets.

13. And Bosis spake out saying, "Crumbs! I say, chaps! What a lark, eh?" which, being translated means "I shall endeavour to serve you to the best of my humble abilities."

Contnued in Chapter 20.

Brexodus 18 - the end of May

Continued from Chapter 17.

1. Thus the twenty-ninth day of the third month arrived, and the waters of the Ref Sea parted; but lo! the children of Bri-tain did not depart from the land of EU-gypt as foretold by the prophets.

2. For May-sis was granted a delay unto the last day of October, a day known to the godly as the eve of all Hallows, and to the ungodly as the day of all pumpkins.

A high priest prepareth for Brexodus.

3. Thus the children of Bri-tain were told to take part in new elections to the high council of EU-gypt, and to mount upon their donkeys to visit the stations of poll.

4. And strange wonders were seen in the land, for the party that is called Brexodus won many votes, and there was a return of the plague of Farogs throughout the land; although the people were also inflicted with Cable-flies, and other pestilences.

5. And the Conservatites were deserted by all their supporters, and were greatly distressed.

A farog rejoiceth, while Anna the Chukkabug is less amused.

6. Now on the next day, while the people were still waiting for their votes to be counted, May-sis spake out with the first words she had ever spoken that delighted the children of Bri-tain.

7. "No longer shall I serve you as your leader. Instead, I shall follow that great priest Cam-aaron into the land flowing with milk, honey, speaking engagements, dinners of the chicken of rubber, and great rewards in the form of cash."

8. "Although I am not leaving just yet, for I wish to receive King Donald the Trump and feast with him one last time. For it annoyeth the Corbynites."

Finally the people see the back of May-sis.

9. Then there came a mighty rushing wind, which bore upon it dozens of men and women who wished to succeed May-sis as leader of the Conservatites.

10. The people saw the return of Bo-sis, together with the Raabi called Dominic, the Governor of Michael, Jeremiah the hunter, and many others, in number like unto the grains of sand on the beach.

11. For so many wise people wished to beat their heads against the wall of the house that is called Commons, even though they would lose their wits thereby.

Continued in Chapter 19.

Brexodus 17 - Maysis loseth another vote - or doth she?

Continued from Chapter 16

1. After her splendid defeat in the first month of the year, where those who said "Nay" outnumbered those who said "Yeah" by two hundred and thirty, Maysis returned to the courts of Pharaoh Juncker to talk again.

2. But there was little on the table, apart from several bottles of the finest wine.

3. However, after many nights' drinking together, Maysis and the Pharaoh came up with a new deal.

4. "It is not right that the children of Bri-tain should each donate half a kilogram of flesh to EUgypt," said Maysis, "and I have persuaded the Pharaoh to change that to one pound of flesh."

"Nor cut thou less nor more, But just a pound of flesh."

5. "Likewise, some of the other clauses in the deal were too strong, and I have persuaded the Pharaoh to change some full stops to colons, some colons to semi-colons, and some semi-colons to commas."

6. "However, the backstop remaineth a backstop, and not a back-colon."

7. So Maysis returned to the House of Common People and took another vote. And this time she was defeated by one hundred and forty-nine.

8. And Maysis rejoiced, saying, "Lo, I need only take three more votes on this matter, and the nay-sayers will have vanished like unto a thief in the night."

9. But Ber-cow, he who was the Squeaker in the House of Common People, said, "Nay, thou must try something else. For it would be a strange breach of precedent to vote again. In the House of Common People, only I am allowed strange breeches."

Ber-cow showeth his strange breeches.

10. And Maysis said, "We have booked a passage across the Red Sea for the twenty-ninth day of the third month. Seventy times seven times have I have said that we shall leave on that date. And so we shall. Or perhaps on another date."

11. And there was a great shout from the people, "We want the end of May!" For Maysis had lost the people's favour.

12. So Maysis returned once more to the courts of Juncker, to be told, "We want the end of May, too. But we may insist on April."

13. Thus the House of Common People prepared itself for yet more votes on how to proceed: they asked for a People's Vote, a Traitors' Vote, a Crooks' vote, a Maniacs' vote, a Liars' vote, a Lunatics' vote, and yet many more, so that all members of the House of Common People would be included.

14. And there arose a mighty petition, which attracted millions to sign it, including famous celebrities such as Brian Cox the actor, Jennifer Saunders the scientist, and Anthony Grayling the comedian.

15. And so popular was it that people from distant North Ko-rea and Af-ghani-stan rushed to sign it.

16. And finally there came a wave of bots to sign the petition, along with the puppets of Sock. Until finally the signatures outnumbered the people of Bri-tain one hundredfold.

Yet more signatures for the petition.

17. And all waited to see whether the House of Common People could agree on anything at all.

Continued in Chapter 18

Brexodus 16 - the 650 ways of leaving EUgypt

Continued from Chapter 15.

1. After her triumph against the hosts of Jacob Gogg-Magogg in the month of December, Maysis said privily to herself, "Thou hast done well in thy battle against the Conservatites, but now cometh a greater challenge."

2. Thus when the new year came, she went to the House of Common People, saying, "Behold a wondrous deal that hath been negotiated by the Pharaoh Juncker after tough discussions with his ministers, Don-ald Ivereigh-Tusk and Michael Bar-nier."

3. "And when they showed me the fruit of their negotiations, I signed at once, for they said there was no need to read it."

Maysis in EUgypt planneth a Backstab.

4. Thus the House of Common People voted on the deal proposed by the EUgyptians, as follows:

5. "Behold, we have a deal. Will those who think it is slightly silly, shout 'AYE!', and will those who think it is very silly, shout 'NO!'?"

6. And Lo! Maysis lost her vote, for the number of NO voters exceeded the number of AYE voters by eleven score and ten.

7. So Maysis spake out, saying "Shall we try this again with a House of Common People's vote?"

8. But the Corbynites were displeased, saying, "We have no confidence in thee, O Maysis." Thus there was indeed another vote, but this time Maysis escaped her doom.

Ber-cow the Speaker is given a tie of many colours as a sign of favour.

9. And there were many other votes in the House of Common People, after which it was agreed that there were six hundred and fifty different ways in which the children of Bri-tain might leave EUgypt, but each one was supported by precisely one person.

10. Meanwhile, the EUgyptians said "Let us launch a charm offensive against the people of Bri-tain."

11. So the great prophet Don-ald Ivereigh-Tusk spake out, to warn the people of a special place in Hell for those who wished to leave EUgypt without a deal. For he said unto them, "There shall be a wailing and gnashing of tusks."

12. Then Don-ald was joined in the charm offensive by another prophet, Guy Ver-Jehoshaphat, who said, "I doubt if Lucifer would welcome them, for they would divide Hell."

13. And this was the dawn of a new way of speaking, which is nowadays called diplomacy.

Don-ald and Guy discuss the special places of Hell.

14. However, the story endeth not there. For, as the people of Bri-tain tried to decide whether to leave without a deal, to leave with a bad deal, to remain in EUgypt, to vote again, or indeed to delay the 50th article, there arose a new leader, named Chukhas Ur-money.

15. Now Chukhas was joined by six other Labourites, who spake out to Cor-byn, saying "We wish to remain, so we are going to leave. Also, we do not wish to be confused with the Independence Party, so we shall call ourselves the Independent Party."

16. And soon many others flocked to Chukhas, from the Corbynites and also from the Conservatites.

17. Therefore, those who thought they knew what was going on, now discovered that they did not. And this included Maysis.

A mighty army ariseth.

Continued in Chapter 17.

Brexodus 15: Maysis winneth a vote

Continued from Chapter 14.

1. So Jacob Gogg-Magogg sought eight and forty men who would write letters against Maysis, the leader of the Con-serva-tites.

2. However, at first eight and forty men such men did not come forward, and Maysis returned to the courts of Juncker to arrange the terms under which the children of Bri-tain were to leave EU-gypt.

Jacob Gogg-Magogg prepareth to go into the wilderness.

3. However, there had arisen a grievous problem known as the Backstab, or, the Irish Question version 94, wherein the trade in milk and honey with the Irishites was to be governed.

4. And Maysis and Bar-nier (he who spake for Juncker when the Pharaoh had drunk too much of the wine that is called Sci-atica) differed over the conditions under which the Backstab might be used.

5. And being a skilled and experienced negotiator, Maysis agreed to everything that Bar-nier wished.

6. So it was clear that the Con-serva-tites had no chance of persuading the children of Bri-tain to accept the Backstab, especially as the Dup-ites of Arlene swore to fight against it.

7. And Jacob Gogg-Magogg cried out once more "Are there not eight and forty men who will write letters asking for Maysis to go?"

8. And this time there came many letters, although how many, and from whom, no man may know except the chairman of the mighty council that is called 1922.

Jacob delivereth many letters.

9. Thus the Con-serva-tites held a vote, under which there were two alternatives: that Maysis should remain, or that Maysis should leave.

10. And this time those that said "Remain" won the vote. So Maysis continued to lead the Con-serva-tites.

11. And Jacob Gogg-Magogg said privily, "Perhaps we should hold this vote again, for it is only by a People's Vote that Maysis may be deposed. For perchance many of the people who voted for her were not people."

12. It would be a grievous insult for any man to name names here, but many doubts had been expressed about Haman the money-changer, and Amber the worker and pensioner.

13. So Maysis returned to the courts of Juncker yet again, and spake also with the great leaders such as Mac-ron the yellow-shirted and Mer-kel of the Germanites.

"If thou rufflest my hair, I shall smite thee, O Pharaoh."

14. But their nay was nay, and no new agreement was reached.

15. Worse than this, the Pharaoh Juncker put down his bottle of Sci-atica and insulted Maysis, likening her unto Nebuchadnezzar; although he only managed to utter "Nebulous".

The world becometh Nebulous for Juncker.

16. And Maysis was wrathful with Juncker, and it seemed an agreement was further away than ever.

Continued in Chapter 16.

Brexodus 14: Maysis maketh a deal

Continued from Chapter 13

1. For four months after the departure of King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, the mighty leader May-sis continued to guide the children of Bri-tain.

2. And a new prophet was appointed, Dominus the Raabi, who was to speak with Michael Bar-Nier, the servant of Pharaoh Juncker of EUgypt.

May-sis performeth a dance to please the people.

3. So, as the winter approached, Maysis announced an agreement that would make everyone equally happy: that is, not at all.

4. First, the children of Bri-tain would stay exactly where they were, but would be told "Guess what? Thou hast left EU-gypt."

5. Next, there would be an end to the brutal chastisement with whips, which so grieved the people. Henceforth, the children of Britain would be chastised with scorpions.

St James of Bond suffereth chastisement from a scorpion.

6. For these blessings, as for many others, such as the throwing of the Irishites into the sea, the children of Bri-tain would pay nine and thirty baskets of precious stones.

7. But to the astonishment of May-sis, the people refused to accept that a new era of happiness was dawning.

8. First there were the Gray Lingites, the Adonais, and others, who spake out saying "Give us a People's Vote, for those who voted last time were not people, but mere serfs."

9. "And let us vote many times: let our Nay be Nay, and let our Yea be Nay as well."

10. Then there were the Corbynites who spake out, saying "We care not what happeneth, provided that we are given the keys to the Street of Downing."

11. And many of the advisers of May-sis fled in disarray, including Dominus the Raabi, who had still not determined what exactly he was supposed to be doing.

12. And May-sis sought for another adviser, and the lot fell upon St Stephen Bar-Clay, for he alone was slow off the mark while the others fled.

Finally, the voice of the Mogg is heard in the land.

13. So at last, there came the mighty voice of Jacob Gogg-Magogg, saying, "Well, actually, don't you know, mine honourable friend hath lost honour and I feel that, on balance, it is time to cast her into a deep pit filled with savage dogs."

14. Thus Gogg-Magogg wrote to the chairman of the mighty council that is called 1922, saying, "Alas, my confidence in May-sis is departed. Here is a short list of 300 people who could do a better job."

15. And May-sis waited to see how many more letters were sent to the council of 1922: for her fate depended on this.

Continued in Chapter 15.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 13

Continued from Chapter 12.

1. It came to pass that, two years after the historic day on which the children of Bri-tain had spurned the advice of Cam-aaron and voted to leave the land of EU-gypt, there was finally enacted the Law of May-sis, by which she could start the journey into the wilderness.

2. Indeed, the mighty lords and ladies, who had fought all the way to prevent the Law from passing, had given way. Yeah, even the Lords K-enoch and Man-delilah, who had received many riches from EU-gypt.

3. For the people had said, "Who needeth these lords, anyway? Shall we not cast them into the Red Sea?" Which was a good question.

4. Finally the Royal Assent was given by the all-powerful Queen herself, Elisheba*, who signed any laws that came her way.

* A gold star for anyone who knows who Elisheba was.

May-sis hath won. Or hath she?

5. Thus finally May-sis and her closest advisers, known as Cabinet, were ready to decide the exact manner of leaving EU-gypt.

6. So she summoned her ministers to a weekend in the mighty palace that is called Chequers.

7. And those who had read the stories of Agape Christi said "I know what happeneth next. Someone is murdered, and no man knoweth who did the deed."

8. However, what befell was even worse.

9. For May-sis produced her plan for the Brexodus, which was very simple:

10. The children of Bri-tain would leave the land of EU-gypt, but continue to obey its laws, pay taxes to the Pharaoh Juncker, and send slaves to work in the fields.

11. Indeed, this was to be a "very soft Brexodus", if not an "invisible Brexodus".

12. But many men were exceeding wrathful at the plan. Thus, two mighty counsellors, King David Davis and Bo-sis the son of John, decided to quit the council of May-sis.

Making a Bexodus and a Dexodus.

13. As they explained: "Our departure from thy Cabinet means that for two years thou shalt see no difference, and, when we do leave, we shall continue to serve as before."

14. But it was not to be, and King David and Bo-sis made a hard exit, and were forced to sit on the Benches of the Back, where no man's voice is ever heard.

15. And the Ukipites spake saying, "If ye leave not EU-gypt, we shall send another plague of Farogs; for they are not dead, but sleeping."

16. While some in the Toryite party cried once more, "Give us Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

17. And those who saw the plight of May-sis whispered amongst themselves, saying "She is now like unto the Manna that hath been baked too long in the rays of the sun."

Could this be the fate of May-sis, as it was of Cam-aaron?

Continued in Chapter 14

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 12

Continued from Part 11.

1. Six months had passed since May-sis sent her team of wise negotiators (Bo-sis, King David Davis, and some others whose names are justly forgotten) to dine with the Pharaoh Juncker.

2. Yet, after endless eating and drinking at the well-appointed table of Juncker, no agreement had been reached.

King David Davis pretends to know what is going on.

3. For, although the date was set on which the children of Bri-tain were to leave the land of EU-gypt, and many were waiting to cross the Red Sea, there were still questions to answer.

4. Should the children of Bri-tain remain in the Single Market, and thus return to EU-gypt every Saturday to buy and sell their produce?

5. For they could sell their rare foods such as tripe and onions, and buy frogs' legs and sauerkraut.

6. Or should they partake in the Customs Union, meaning that their traditional customs such as Morris Dancing and cricket might be combined with the customs of EU-gypt, such as the Can-can and bullfighting?

"Right, lads, the EU-gypt directive says we should do the Can-can next."

7. Then there was talk of hard borders and backstop plans, which nobody really understood, so that the people of Bri-tain said, "We never knew that it was so hard to flee the land of EU-gypt."

8. And many noble lords, who had been appointed to power by the ancient warlord Blair, voted to remain where they were, feasting on milk and honey.

9. Indeed, they said that the people should vote again, and keep on voting until they got the right answer.

10. Now even the High Priest Wel-by, custodian of the ancient religion of Eng-land, guardian of a box containing 39 wondrous articles, spake out, saying that EU-gypt was the best thing since sliced manna.

11. Finally, even King David Davis was so vexed that he threatened to resign his throne, although he could not give a precise date for leaving it.

12. And the people murmured saying, "This May-sis could not organize a wedding in a Cana brewery without running out of wine. Let us have Jacob Gogg-Magogg as our leader."

"May-sis hath not provided enough wine. Can you do something?"

13. "Or let us call an election and see if the Corbynites can do any better. The Abbot of Diane can organize our finances, and John, also known as Mc-Don-El, can form a lasting alliance with the Hamasites and Hezbollites."

14. Which at least showed that the people had not lost their sense of humour.

Continued in Chapter 13.

St Theresa of Downing Street

Catholic priests are not normally allowed to marry (and this includes Bishop Toribio Ticona, whom Pope Francis has just put on his "Raise this guy to the cardinalate" list, in error for his "Throw this guy to the dogs" list).

Thus there are very few of the rare breed known as "clergymen's daughters" in the Catholic Church; of course the Anglicans have plenty, and even some rare fish known as "clergywomen's daughters", who call their mother "father".

St Theresa (alias V. Nichols) shares a bottle of ketchup with a cleric (J. Etchingham).

Clergymen's daughters are often saintly creatures, and today we pay tribute to St Theresa of Downing Street. Her father would have been so proud of her, when she showed her support for same-sex "marriage". Those embarrassing bits in the Bible about homosexual acts being sinful, and marriage being an institution for a man and a woman, were long since discarded by the Church of England, which strives always to keep up with the latest fashions in morality. But there was more...

St Theresa expresses her support for King Herod.

As a clergyman's daughter, St Theresa is familiar with many Biblical characters, and she has always had a weakness for King Herod. "A real man," she drools, "who knew how to deal with children!" Thus she was delighted when Ireland decided to vote for mass infanticide, and she felt obliged to send her support. Good luck with explaining that to the DUP, her partners in government.

Of course, St Theresa is not the only party leader with this point of view. St Jeremy of Corbyn and St Vince of Cable would doubtless agree with her, if anyone cared for five minutes what they thought on any issue. How wonderful to see a Government of National Unity!

Let's finish with a happy picture of the Mays leaving a church.

An everyday Anglican scene: that awkward moment when nobody else turned up.

Pope cancels visit to Ireland

Following the Irish referendum on abortion, in which the main message (apart from "We think killing babies is OK") was "We hate Catholics", Pope Francis has decided to cancel his planned visit to Dublin this August.

Apparently, the visit was planned to coincide with concluding events of the World Meeting of Families. However it is clear that the Irish model of a family is not (as it used to be) mother, father, 8 children, and a pig (as recommended in Amoris Laetitia), but now simply a couple, possibly even same-sex, probably unmarried, and with no children whatsoever. So what's the point?

Leo Varadkar explains his policies for the family.

Ireland also suffers from a severe shortage of Catholics. The choice for the Pope lies between meeting people like Archbishop Diarmuid Martin the spineless ("the man who makes even Vincent Nichols look like a spiritual leader"), or Fr Tony Flannery the egocentric rebel and his Association of Catholic Priests ("the man who makes Fr Jack of Craggy Island look like a peaceful holy man").

One possibility is that Pope Francis will go to Belfast instead. There, the Protestants are Catholic, and the Catholics Protestant, at least when it comes to moral issues, and so the Holy Father may not be so unwelcome.

It's also possible that Francis will want to go to the mainland of Great Britain and meet Theresa May, although the old girl has also expressed her delight in the "success" of the Irish referendum. Unless the saintly Jacob Rees-Mogg is Prime Minister by August, which is about as likely as the saintly Cardinal Sarah becoming Pope by then.

Pope Francis meeting Theresa May.

Or maybe Pope Francis will go back to Chile in August. This may be a wise move as most of the Chilean Catholics are in Rome and out for his blood.

No, Pope Francis tells us that his best bet is a quiet week or two in a coastal resort such as Margate or Cromer. Fr Spadaro's got his eye on a lovely seaside cottage called "Dundictatin" which might just suit him...

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 11

Continued from Chapter 10

1. So it came to pass that, as the children of Bri-tain had agreed, more or less, May-sis began to speak with the Pharaoh Junck-er at a place called the Table of Negotiation.

The Table of Negotiation.

2. And Junck-er spake unto May-sis saying, "Ye must give us riches beyond the dreams of avarice before we allow ye to flee the land of EU-gypt."

3. "Yeah, ye must send us cargoes of ivory, and apes, and peacocks, sandalwood, cedarwood, and sweet white wine (especially this), and diamonds, emeralds, amethysts, topazes, cinnamon, and gold moidores. Oh, and platinum statues of Neil Kinnock and Peter Mandelson, lest we forget them."

4. And May-sis, who had also read a certain poem, said "Nay, the most we can offer thee is Tyne coal, road-rail, pig-lead, firewood, iron-ware, and cheap tin trays. Oh, and a cardboard cutout of King David Davis that is indistinguishable from the real thing."

5. Thus it was clear that the stay of May-sis at the Table of Negotiation might be a long one.

The Brexodus bill.

6. So some urged May-sis to walk away from the Table and head for the Red Sea, that the children of Bri-tain might take their chances elsewhere, amongst the Americanites, the Canadiantes, the Australianites, and even the North Koreanites of the land that is called La-la.

7. And others said, "May-sis is not the one to lead us out of EU-gypt, so let us have another leader. Maybe Bo-sis or King David Davis, or perhaps Jacob, he that is called Mogg."

8. And the Dup-ites came to the great Table, speaking of hard borders. And they asked whether, if May-sis parted the Red Sea, it would become a hard border.

9. And others asked whether any EU-gyptians among the people of Bri-tain would be allowed to stay, saying, "If they go, then the children of Bri-tain will starve. For how will they survive without people who can feed them on pizzas, and moussaka, and sauerkraut, and muesli, and the leg of the frog?"

Alas, the croaking of the frog may be heard no more in the land of Bri-tain.

10. "The children of Bri-tain will wander into the wilderness feeding only on what the Lord provideth; namely, fish and chips, the toad that dwelleth in the hole, and the pie that is made of shepherds."

11. Thus May-sis and the Pharaoh Junck-er drank together at the Table for many months, until finally agreement was reached.

12. Possibly.

Continued in Part 12.

How to be a Christian and a politician at the same time

Many readers have written to me along the following lines:

Dear Eccles, I have been selected as prospective Conservative/Labour/Liberal Democrat/Buckethead candidate for East Cheam (or it may be Walmington-on-Sea), but I am worried that my religious views will make it impossible for me to succeed. Strangely enough, I am one of those Christians who basically believe in God, Christ, Sin, Redemption, etc. Can you advise me?

This is tricky, but I will try and explain what you must do. Well, you could become a DUP MP, where religious principles are actively encouraged, but this may not be possible in an English region such as Much-Binding-in-the-Marsh. So another strategy is required.

Tim Farron MP takes part in a charismatic service.

I also get letters from Muslims saying that they want to be Mayor of London but happen to believe in killing the infidels in order to end up with 72 virgins in Paradise. I explain to them that this is not a problem, as nobody will dare question them on the details of their faith. If they happen to take the Koran seriously then the BBC, Guardian, and other left-wing media will simply congratulate themselves on their tolerance of diversity.

So, how should the ambitious Christian proceed? Well, take someone like Theresa May or Michael Gove as your model. Support same-sex marriage, don't stick your neck out on pro-life issues, and remember that ONE DAY, PRACTISING CHRISTIANITY WILL BE ILLEGAL AGAIN, AND YOU WILL NEED TO MAKE A STRONG NOT-GUILTY PLEA.

"Only joking, folks!" Theresa May pretends to be a Christian.

Of course you will be asked by religious experts such as little Owen Jones of the Guardian, "But you're a Christian. Didn't God destroy Sodom and Gomorrah in the Bible? Doesn't that mean you want to burn all gays?" Or maybe "You're a Christian, aren't you? You don't like dismembering babies? What kind of monster are you, denying a woman's right to choose!"

Luckily, we have the modern Catholic Church as our model here. Fr James Martin LGBTSJ is our teacher on matters of homosexuality, and we now know from this great man that the rainbow brigade are above criticism, and should be allowed to do whatever they want, with whomever they want, whenever they want, without any comments being made. If you have not brought up your kid to be a transgendered gay activist with an interest in bondage and doing naughty things with geese (any Jesuit college can provide details) by the age of 8, then YOU ARE A BIGOT.

Hey, I've just received an invitation from Fr James Martin!

Likewise, Pope Francis in his unparalleled wisdom has appointed "philosopher" Nigel Biggar - who doesn't think that babies are human - to the Pontifical Academy for Life. (Sorry, this is often a satirical blog, but that appears to be a FACT.) The remaining members of the PAL are not yet finalized, but we expect that Peter Sutcliffe the Yorkshire Ripper and Gerry Adams of the IRA will become influential members.

"Help! It's someone from the Pontifical Academy for Life!"

Which brings us neatly back to politics. Good luck with your career, and, if you are asked about your beliefs, give a light laugh and say "Oh, we don't worry too much about moral issues in the modern church!" It's the only way you'll succeed.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 10

Continued from Chapter 9

1. So Maysis took the advice of the prophets Comres, Mori and Yougov, and called an election, that she might defeat Jeremiah of the Corbynites and finally lead the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt.

Maysis seeketh advice from the Lord of Bucket-head.

2. For her counsellors had spoken unto her, saying, "Thou art a ghastly old trout, but surely Jeremiah is even worse?"

3. "For he hath friends among such as Gerald of the Adamites, who slay the widow and the orphan; not to mention many other Terrorites."

4. "Go forth and win. Thou canst not do worse than Cam-aaron, he who is now gone to a better place. Or at least, one that pays better."

Jeremiah goeth out to meet the Maronites.

5. So Maysis wrote an epistle, that is called Manifesto, in which she promised to be Strong and Stable.

6. Although she later changed her mind, especially when she sought to raise taxes upon the old and demented,

7. And Jeremiah wrote his own epistle, in which he promised wondrous gifts to the Many and not the Few.

8. At which the Few were exceeding wrathful, as they would have to pay for them, if anyone ever did.

9. Moreover, Jeremiah was aided by an abbot called Diane, known for her skill with numbers, who explained that she would appoint seventy-six million policemen to protect the children of Bri-tain.

10. That is, everyone in Bri-tain would henceforth be a policeman, and Diane would import a few million more from the land of I-sis to make up the numbers.

And the people of Bri-tain spake, saying, "Ave, ave, ave, what is all this, then?"

11. We need not speak long of other famous men, such as Farron of the Libdemites, he who abandoned his faith on learning that that following the Lord's commandments was a vote-loser.

12. Nor on the fate of the Ukipites, who had spoken for many years saying "We must leave EU-gypt."

13. For the reply came, "Yes, the 50th article is already triggered, and now all we need to know is, who shall go forth to drink the Pharaoh Juncker under the table?"

There cometh the only man who can drink more than Juncker.

14. At last the big day came, and the children of Bri-tain voted, saying "Alas, we hate the lot of you."

15. So Maysis, she who was hated slightly less than Jeremiah, remained as the leader.

16. But she spake sweet words unto the Dupites of Ire-land, saying, "Cleave unto me, for surely ye must hate Jeremiah and his Terrorite friends." And it was so.

17. And all the Corbynites spake out with one voice. saying, "But the Dupites hate Catholics!" And the reply came back, "Well, so do you!"

A Dupite banner (on loan from Cardinal Burke).

18. And the Corbynites spake out again, saying, "Yet the Dupites love not the marriage that is gay!" And the reply came back, "Neither do thy friends the Muslimites!"

19. At this the Corbynites despaired, saying, "The people have spoken, but they have not yet demonstrated in the streets, so the result is invalid."

20. And still the clock ticked on, towards the day when May-sis must send people forth to drink with Juncker.

Continued in Chapter 11.

"I did not meet the Forces of Darkness" claims Corbyn

There was further embarrassment for Jeremy Corbyn today over his dubious friendships, which apparently already include the IRA, Hamas, Hezbollah, and indeed almost any organization hating the UK. For it was claimed that Jezza had had amicable relationships with the Prince of Darkness and his minions.

Mephistopheles and Corbyn in negotiations.

Said Mr Corbyn, "No, I never met Mephistopheles, well, that is to say, yes we did have tea together, but we never negotiated the sale of my soul. You see, my adviser Diane Abbott had trouble getting to grips with the proposed financial arrangements. Anyway, all our discussions were aimed at promoting peace between the Forces of Good and the Forces of Evil. All right, I did go on a march in support of Satan, but I have a certain sympathy for him as a fallen angel; he tells me that he is excluded from Heaven by God, who is obviously a Tory, since He refuses to treat all people equally."

Was Jeremy Corbyn also an adviser to Stalin in the early 1950s?

Meanwhile, Theresa May is still expecting to win the General Election with her hard-hitting slogan "I may be a ghastly old bat, but at least I'm not Jeremy Corbyn."