This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Wednesday, 24 July 2019

The Catholic case for Nero

From America Magazine, edited by James Martin LGBTSJ.

Following our very popular article The Catholic Case for Communism, we have commissioned Dean Dettloff to write The Catholic Case for Nazism and The Catholic Case for the Rwandan Genocide, which are also bound to go down well with our readers. Today's piece explains why the Emperor Nero was not the villain that is usually claimed, and should certainly be canonized.

Nero as seen in Doctor Who

Nero: statesman, violinist, and LGBT icon.

Nero has had a bad press for his lack of ecumenicalism towards Christians, but we should not hold that against him. His execution of St Peter and St Paul might be interpreted as showing a certain hostility to Catholicism, but modern studies have shown that these Church fathers were greatly over-rated compared with more distinguished theologians such as Hans Küng, Massimo Faggioli, Cardinal Marx, and of course the Holy Father himself. We can be sure that when Nero went to the Pearly Gates, and found St Peter there waiting for him, the two greeted each other as old friends!

Peter and Paul

"Hey, our old mate Nero will be along soon!"

Apart from his controversial habit of putting people to death, Nero was known as a prominent member of the LGBT community, and one would have to be truly homophobic to criticise his incest and his relationship with a trans woman called Sporus. Moreover, his violin-playing was legendary. As Rome burned, he entertained the crowd with a performance of "Shine Jesus, Shine" in which they all joined in with the words "Blaze, Spirit, blaze, Set our hearts on fire!"

No, Nero was a warm-hearted Catholic, of the sort to whom we must build bridges. It is a scandal that people such as he could not preach at Mass.

© America Magazine.


  1. Is there a Catholic Case for Herod, Henry VIII, and Stalin?

    1. The Catholic case for Henry VIII begins with a footnote in Amoral License.

  2. Nero is the patron Saint of the LGBT and the world's most famous pyromaniac pervert. I think he tried to marry his horse and make it a Senator but the Senate thought it was a little extravagant and pushing the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.He also was very creative in environmental and cost cutting practices by using Christians as human torches to light up the Appian Way. This is now illegal and you still cannot marry your horse ( well not yet anyway.)

  3. "© America Magazine" -- that had me howling out loud! We thanks you, yes we do, for bringing us some humor (or 'humour', in Eng.) from the debris of our present modern church.