This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday 27 April 2020

All masses to be replaced by cartoons

After ticking off Catholics who object to church closures, sensitively labelling his flock as suffering from self-pity, Cardinal Vincent Nichols has announced the next stage in the transformation of the Catholic Church in England and Wales: from now on all livestreamed masses will be replaced by cartoons.

Cartoon Vin

A new cartoon character, Vin the Red.

"There will be several advantages," explained his Eminence. "There is no need for social isolation of our clergy, as cartoon characters can approach each other without catching any illnesses. Also, we can show the cartoons over and over again, and edit them as we wish."

Cardinal Dolan, who recently whispered "I thought we were skipping these boring things" during a Mass, is anxious to adopt the same policy in New York, especially as he has himself long been regarded as a cartoon character.

Fred Flintstone

"Dolans, meet the Dolans..."

It is clear that from now on churches will be competing to produce the most attractive cartoons. In the past, when the faithful had to get up and travel to a Mass, the choice was often rather limited. Now that we can dip into masses from Rome, London, New York, Paris, Beijing no not Beijing, the Amazon Jungle, ... whenever we wish, and sometimes switch from one to the other whenever we reach a "boring thing", the possibilities are endless.

Demon Jim

Count Jimbo welcomes us to his Horror Mass.

Naturally, there is no need for the priests represented in the cartoons to be human. Many people prefer to watch lovable furry creatures like kittens, rabbits, or Cardinal Marx. We conclude with a scene from The Sign of Peace, where the animator may just have gone a little too far.

Tom and Jerry

Fr Thomas prepares to say the Agnus Dei.

Thanks to for some of the pictures. I won't say which.


  1. Hilarious, a one-two punch to Dolan and Marx!

    This is your pal Odile

  2. Heck, my bishop hasn't moved from his mansion in a month. He posts "letters" on the diocese website 4/20 and 4/24.

    They already ARE cartoons, if you have not already noticed?!

  3. I think you've been incredibly unkind to Fred Flintstone.

  4. I am still a bit dumb-founded by Dolan's remark. I hope it was a happy Easter for him! Thank you, Eccles, for all of the news I missed recently!

  5. First human thing he's uttered in New York. It was one of thirty-seven homespun prayers of the faithful.

    I actually almost felt a pang of pity for him as the righteous leapt to pillory. Having sat through Novus Ordo liturgies for social duty to fulfil on occasion, that is sure to be a whince moment, lije ducking the aforesaid 'sign of peace'. Arming with a frying pan would be most satisfying.

  6. Yabba dabba do! Or jabba Papa don't...

  7. Ever wonder why the Flintstones celebrated a Christmas episode?