This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday, 7 April 2020

Cardinal Pell is back!

Haters of the Catholic Church were up in arms today, after the news that the High Court of Australia had unanimously quashed Cardinal Pell's conviction for crimes that were physically impossible.

Ronnie Barker

Cardinal Pell walks free.

"It's a sad day for Australian justice, if judges are going to start looking at the evidence, rather than simply saying 'He's a Catholic, he must be guilty,'" said one critic.

Another was equally outspoken. "A principle of Australian law is that we recruit judges and juries from all walks of life - the insane, the drunk, the stupid, the bigoted, and the crooked. What is the world coming to if we allow the case to be decided by seven judges who can spot that witnesses are making up silly stories that don't even make sense?"


"We sentence Cardinal Pell to have custard poured down his trousers."

Said one of the original jury that convicted Cardinal Pell: "Durrrr, I talk to the trees, that's why they take me away..." Another added, "I'm a teapot, you know."

As Pell walked free today, he commented "Oh no, not again!" on being told that he was now under "lock down" to avoid the spread of the Coronavirus. However, in his new cell he can at least say Mass, and is allowed to pray without being interrupted with cries of "What do you think you're doing, cobber? Get off your knees, you 'orrible little man!"

Meanwhile, there is panic in the Vatican at the news that PELL IS BACK - AND HE'S ANGRY. As George Pell was finally prepared to sort out those Vatican finances, there were a rush to the computers to delete incriminating files, a bonfire of receipts and invoices, and sounds of Cardinals practising the magic phrase "The money was just resting in my account, ready to be moved on."

Pope Francis and cricket bat

Pope Francis confuses the issue by writing a cheque on a cricket bat.

Late news: there will be an even better miracle this Sunday when Someone who was dead returns and causes severe embarrassment to the wicked. No spoilers!


  1. I suggest that a worldwide "Strictly Come Justice" show might be the answer. The public would phone or text in their verdict and over-rule the panel of judges however experienced.

  2. I wrote an open letter to the dear holy man on my humble donkey blog and a handwritten copy in the post to him, long ago. Then I received a shocking glimpse of the spitefulness of the heathen in that rather burnt land, in the harridan form of one Margaret Butterworth. A self-described "regular pilgrim to Santiago." She insisted on sending gleeful comments to my blog when some new setback plagued the warm-hearted and human soul, George Pell. A man with whom I only enjoyed two entertaining conversations over beer in Rome, by virtue of being introduced by Dominic – my pool mate and Pell’s candidate for holy orders – in the Beda College. (Neither of us proceeded to the second year and my hot tip to seminarians is that better pool players receive worse philosophy grades.)

    Tonight I shall be writing two letters: (1) the spiritauly nourishin’ one to Cardinal George Pell which will be most holy, and sensitively written; and (2) a far less angel-watched-over but more enjoyable epistle to deere Margaret, who may be a “regular pilgrim” among tarot readers and Palestinian scarf wearers who clutter the holy Catholic road to the burial place of the holy Saint James the Great but I shall definitively pronounce unsav’d. And let her take the hit for the rest of the cads too.

  3. I love that Cardinal Pell said when the news broke that the charges were quashed he heard a cheer go through the prison and he could hear his fellow inmates in the neighbouring cells cheering for him. Funny as ever, dear abrovver Eccles. You can't beat Ronnie Barker and custardy pants.

    1. That's wonderful to hear. The ordinary, decent criminals are more honest than the sanctimonious, self-righteous liberals who instigated this monstrous conviction.

      Also, Mark Weinstein, the dissenting judge in that abominanable Appeal Court, deserves our gratitude, God bless him.