This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 13 April 2020

You are old, Father Francis

For those who can't be bothered to wade through what is described - by Dr Austin Powers - as the most important interview since Scalfarius interviewed Jesus, we present a poetical version of that interview (with the preliminary remarks such as "Pleased to meet you, International Man of Mystery!" omitted).

Austen Ivereigh, international Man of Mystery.

"You are old, Father Francis," the small man said,
    "You never scold people, or grumble;
Now you live in a cupboard and feed on stale bread —
    What made you so awfully humble?"

"In my youth," Father Francis replied to the gnome,
    "Dictating was my wish and hope;
I've lived all my life as the saints did in Rome
    To get myself chosen as Pope."
"You are old," said the gnome, "and the faithful cry out,
    That you're known for your orthodox preaching;
Crystal-clear and profound, ruling out any doubt —
    What made you so expert at teaching?"

"In my youth," said the pope, grinning with nonchalance,
    "The Jesuits took me in hand;
I learned that no question has just one response —
    All answers are equally grand!"

"You are old," said the gnome, "and through synods you sit
    Praising dear Pachamama, our queen;
And yet fascists cry out it's against holy writ —
    How dare they all say it's obscene?"

"In my youth," said Pope Francis, "I trained as a priest,
    And learned that all faiths were the same,
Praising pagan religions, from greatest to least;
    So now why should I get the blame?"
"You are old," said the gnome, "and were hardly renowned
    For knowing the facts about China;
Yet you've made all their Catholics flee underground —
    Could any solution be finer?"

"I have answered three questions, and that is enough,"
    Said the pontiff; "don't give me such crap!
Do you think I can listen all day to such stuff?
    Be off, or I'll give you a slap!"
(With humble apologies to Lewis Carroll.)


  1. I do forget he IS old. This was very
    good. PappaSlappa, Austen the gnome 🤣🤣

  2. Ah Lewis Carroll..

    He thought he saw a Argument
    That proved he was the Pope:
    He looked again, and found it was
    A Bar of Mottled Soap.
    'A fact so dread,' he faintly said,
    'Extinguishes all hope!'

  3. Eccles we all know You're saved,now you need to come back and save Catholic Twitter. Things have broken down so much, Taylor Marshall and Tim Gordon are publicly squabbling about SSPX, people are accusing 16 yr old rape victims unpardonable names, and people are losing their faith. COME BACK, and bring back the grace. New accounts can be built up quickly, hint hint

    1. Here's a tip. Follow @bruveccles (although Twitter may zap that as well).

  4. You did Lewis Carroll proud! He'd have enjoyed this immensely, from my humble perspective.

  5. Almost better than the original, bruvver dearest! Lewis would have given his right arm (well, ok, his quill pen anyway) to have penned such witty verses

  6. This is so sharp, it cuts....ouch.

  7. I don't think any apologies to Lewis Carroll are required: had he lived in these weird times he would be in the Anglican Ordinariate and reading your blog. Unlike anti-Moly lookalike, Margaret Butterworth. Since I asked the harridan in Australia if she might apologize to Cardinal Pell for the sake of her own soul, now that she had been shown up as a foul besmircher and a member of a lynch mob that was plain wrong, she did not reply. Then things on my computer immediately started going badly wonky, which has never happened to me before. Luckily, the "informatica" shops are allowed to open in the present "Estado de Alarma" in Spain and the technician responded to my urgent repair job quickly as he already knows I'm coordinating COVID-19 volunteers here, counselling isolated people and providing translations in English. (Frankly it is a war zone here, and having my computer hacked was the last thing I needed in a 12-hour day - also with a good friend on the phone terrified his daughter was dying; a senior medic on the emergency ward opf our local hospital, on life support!) The computer was repaired in 90 minutes. The guy made no charge: "¡Cuidate!" look after yourself and home I went. It was dangerous to even go out (at 69 and also with asthma I am advised not to go out at all.) We are all working as a big team here in Spain. Unlike Australia it seems. Now my computer is fine but my Hotmail was hacked and destroyed yesterday. You'd think with their country burning, they'd be asking the Good Cardinal for his prayers and forgiveness, not trying to destroy his supporters for speaking up for him. Abandoning Hotmail now, and shutting the account down, while on the phone to an 80-year-old British veteran who is alone and needs some shopping done for him. "Don't worry, mate: I'll sort it out for you. Just got to contact 150 people and give them a new email address... Then I'll see who is available."