This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 5 April 2021

The Balham police go church-raiding

Scene 1: Balham Police Station. Inspector Thugg is directing his officers.

Thugg: Well done, team. You really put those Polish Catholics in their place. Holding a service of religion on Good Friday! If they wanted to meet, why couldn't they have just torn down a few statues or looted some shops, like normal people? Then we'd have left them alone.

Police invading a church

Bad vestments.

Sergeant Bludgeon: What next, Guv? (Editor's note: all sergeants call their bosses "Guv" as a result of watching too many television serials.)

Thugg: Go out into the world and spread the Good News, Bludgeon! Go and find another church to trash.

Constable Bonehead: We passed something called Grand Mosque on the way back. Will that do?

Thugg: I guess so. Didn't Pope Francis say that Muslims were just like Christians, only richer? You won't meet any trouble. Off you go!

Bonehead: Any chance of some food before we go?

Thugg: Pick up a bacon sandwich from the canteen. You can eat it when you get to the mosque.

Muslim dancing

Liturgical dancing.

Scene 2: At the Mosque. Inside, Imam Hamza is explaining some juicy bits of the Koran.

Bonehead: Oi, Sarge, there's a pile of shoes here. Should we take off our size 14s as well?

Bludgeon: No, Doris, we'll need them if there's any trouble. Remember, go for the vicar first.

Imam Hamza: And now, my brothers, let us offer each other the sign of war.


Hamza: Infidel! Heretic!

Bonehead: Fancy some of my bacon sandwich, Vicar?

Bludgeon: Not now, Constable. Imam Mohammed Ali Floatslikeabutterfly Hamza, alias Fred Nargs, you are charged that on the evening of April 2nd, alias Good Friday, you did do something or other and we'll decide what it was when we get back to the station.

Hamza: Boys, you know what to do!

Two altar-servers with scimitars drive the police out into the street.

Hamza: Thank you, lads. And now our next hymn, Shine, Mohammed, Shine!


  1. Bit of a Terry Pratchet tone to this one. Wot with all that Bludgeon and coppers and wot all. Sorry Im a yank.

    1. Sorry but it's your own fault for not speaking proper like wot we do...

  2. The Ransom of White Chief

    Gov. White Chief Whitless had long held hostage the law-abiding, long-suffering citizens of Michigan, running roughshod over their God-given rights. So it was no surprise when an inside gang got in on the game.

    The notorious Hole in the Head gang led by Sec of State Butch Benson & pol pardner The Trans-Dance Kid hatched a plan.
    But before Butch could begin, she was challenged in an attempted coup by Harvey who brought a knife to a no-rules groin-stompin’ fight to the finish.

    That settled, Butch explained her scheme. “Look, Gov. Whitless has not given up hope of being Kamala’s VP pardner when Biden bites the dust.
    Whitless wants us to kidnap her from her vacation cottage, hold her hostage until Top Gang rides to her rescue, ransoms her for $2M, and gets herself tapped as Kamala’s VP-elect.”

    The Trans-Dance Kid grinned. “Yup, you just keep thinkin’, Butch. That’s what yer good at.”

    Harvey limped over to ask, “Damsel in distress dodge sounds kinda sexist, don’t it?”

    Butch chortled, “Not when this dame does it.”

    Harvey aqueaked, “What’ll we do when we fail?”

    Butch laughed, “We’ll blame it all on a backwoods Michigan militia, then steal everyone’s guns, and rig every recall vote.”

    A masked rider was sent out to deliver the first of 3 ransom notes: We’ve got Whitey Whitless. Tell her hub to pay $2M or he’ll never see her again.

    Meanwhile, back at the Hole in the Head Ranch...
    Time passed & Gov Whitless began to chide her co-conspirators. “I hate staying in this hell-hole. I’ve gone a whole week without destroying a single small business, wrecking every church on the range, or just scaring the populace Whitless.”

    Just then, Gruesome ‘News’ Newsom rode in to say. “Gov’s hub just sent a ransom response. Says here: You can keep her. Hasta La Vista, Baby.”

    Butch hastily scribbled a second ransom note: If the MI Legislature doesn’t pay up, we’re gonna blow up the Mackinac Bridge and hold hostage the entire state until everyone is jabbed with a vaccine passport. Tell Kamala: Whitless is willing & waiting to be her VP.

    Time passed & News Newsom rode in with the second ransom response. “More gruesome news. MI legislature won’t authorize a single cent. They say they never negotiate with liturgists & terrorists. Jen Psarkasm says she’ll circle back re Kamala.”

    The Trans-Dance Kid drawled, “So...seems Gov-hub, Kamala, & the MI Legislature won’t pony up. Meanwhile, Michiganders are taking up a collection for the Gov’s going-away party. Looks like we’re the ones gonna pay, cuz we’re stuck with Whitless.”

    Gov. Whitless went whiter with fury. “Well, that beats all, you bunch of brainless bureaucrats! If ya’ll don’t meet my demands I’ll scweam & scweam & scweam!! And you know I can!”

    Butch scribbled his final ransom note: We’ll pay you whatever you want to take Whitless off our hands. Dropping her plus payment at the border. She’s all yours. Adios.

    Butch Benson & The Trans-Dance Kid were last seen riding off into the sunset. News Newsome reports from prison that the outlaws were reportedly heading for Bolivia or possibly Argentina to team up with the notorious international Bergoglio Gang.

    Moral of the story:
    The best laid schemes o’ mice & mosque-masked gangs gang aft agley,
    And leave us nought but grief and pain for promis’d joy.

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