This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Monday, 30 March 2020

Eccles is excommunicated

As a faithful worshipper at the Church of Twitter (founder: Pope Jack), I take part in its services several times a day, offering the sign of peace (or, more usually, engaging in pointless bickering) with fellow-worshippers. Thus I was very distressed on Saturday to be told "Thine account is suspended, and thou mayst no longer share in our worship."

Fr Jack

Pope Jack.

Although I knew that I must be a great sinner, worse even than those who wish death on Coronavirus sufferers such as Boris Johnson, those who swear all the time, the promoters of abortion, or those with rainbow flags on their profile, I was not told which of the unwritten laws I had broken.

Yet, WE ARE ALL SINNERS. But is this not the age of mercy? After discernment and accompaniment, may I not be readmitted into full communion with Twitter? Isn't Cardinal Marx looking into my case?

Save Eccles

Can Eccles be saved?

Still, it would be good to know exactly what I did. Here are those I have offended most recently:

Bishops who tell people to stop fasting, 
Christopher Lambkin, 
The Washington Post,
Popes who accuse others of idolatory, 
The Diocese of Middlesbrough, 
Greater Manchester Police,
The chair of the University of Warwick Labour Society, 
Alexandria Occasional-Cortex, 
The president of the Austrian Caritas, 
Bishop Mario Grinch, 
St Greta of Thunderbird...
Lots of good smiting there, but was any of this wrong?

Meanwhile, I am appealing (but you knew that). While waiting for judgement, I can still dip into the spiritual nourishment that is Twitter, and it must be a bit like turning up to one's own funeral (with the Dies Irae bit omitted). Thanks to those who put in some kind words.

As Hilaire Belloc nearly put it:

"When I am dead, I hope it may be said, 'His sins were scarlet, but his tweets were read.'"


  1. Eccles we miss you. The campaign to bring you back is in full force. I will.attempt to post your blog for you. Keep laughing, beloved friend

  2. Hope this works, keep smiling

  3. You crack me up. "Alexandria Occasional-Cortex." Love you, Bruvver. Hope you're back to Twitter soon!!!

    1. I love that name. This is my favorite name for her. I share it far and wide. :-)

  4. My original Twitter account has been waiting for an appeal since October, for noting LeBron James was a 'whore' of the Peoples Republic of China for criticizing an NBA club executive who thought free speech in Hong Kong was a good thing. I refused to remove it, and await review. Hate speech, supposedly.

  5. Same computer, secondary email address, different browser which doesn't have the same cookies, and I returned. People are filing appeals in the canon courts of Pope Jack on your behalf, I don't know if I was even missed when I was excommunicated.

  6. Fight the man, Bruvver.
    Get up a petition-- you know there will be luminaries aplenty falling over themselves to sign it, from Mons Roche to DT. Even Bosco would. Pater Martin SJ will run the PR campaign in its favor!

  7. I just got a reply from Jack and he said "Just calm down dear and have a cupcake."

  8. Initiate a rival service to be called 'cheep'?

  9. aaaahhhh, Eccles....
    I joined 'twitty' about seven years ago but could never actually force myself to 'twit'. I get emails regularly that twitty wants me back but I can't /won't go back to where I have never been and choose not to be.
    Lately I have been reading about the wholesale censoring of non-liberal ideas and statements on the site and I am glad I never got into the habit.
    I'd actually quite but if I did I suspect they would sell the information I foolishly gave them in the first place to pornographers and communist/terrorist kidnappers.
    Keep up your good works and while I understand "twitter" has become a necessary social-interaction tool for those who have a internet business I pity you all that dependence on the "good will" of satan.

  10. Eccles we need you. Please come back to twitter. Where do I sign so your tweets can be 'read' again.

    1. There haven't been any new tweets since Saturday. I am still expecting a response to my Dubia from Pope Jack.

  11. Jack is a very small man. He is easily frightened.

  12. Glad you're not sick. Was afraid you were

  13. Pope Jack Sprat abides no fact
    Eccles? To truth he leans
    And so between the two of them
    They split the Twitter clean.

  14. Not much to smile at on twit. Hurry back.