Fr Thomas Reese SJ decides to forgive God

As "inspired" by this.

I forgive God. I hope others can too.

By Fr Thomas Reese LGBTSJ.

I see God as a holy but flawed individual who did the best He was capable of.

I first met God in 1994 when I had been a Jesuit priest for 20 years. We Jesuits are well-known for our many achievements in the realms of science, but it is only rarely that we turn our attention to religion. For example, there are the medieval scientists Jacobus Martinus, who was the first person to build a rainbow bridge; Jorgeus Bergoglius, the engineer who worked on rigidity; and Arturus Sosus, who invented the tape-recorder. So it was quite a surprise for me when I first learnt that it was possible to be a Jesuit and also to believe in God.

At the end of my first prayer, I asked for God's blessing — because I sensed I was in the presence of a divine being. But I also knew I was in the presence of a creator who, as Judge Eternal, had done irreparable harm to the church. There were scores of theologians, professors and priests who had been led to believe that they had sinned in some way, generally by disobeying Divine Commandments.

Controversial propaganda, used to attack my friends.

God's problem was that He treated theologians as if they were graduate students who needed correction and guidance. As a result, my last question to the Lord was, "Do you ever worry that you may be judging too much?"

He laughed and responded, "What a silly little man you are."

My own difficulties with God began shortly after I became editor of America Magazine, a journal of propaganda published by U.S. Jesuits. I wanted to make America a journal of criticism, explaining where God was wrong, and why the Bible should be rejected.

For years we had to contend with adverse reactions from God. Not just lightning strikes on the office of America, a voice thundering REPENT! down the chimney, plagues of boils and frogs, but even criticisms from self-styled authorities such as Pope Benedict.

The America offices.

I tried to make America the top journal of dissent, inviting moderate Catholics such as Cardinal Kasper to tell us where the Church had gone wrong, and even asking Cardinal Burke along so that other contributors could mock him point out where he was wrong.

However, it was clear that God was unhappy with the magazine, and it was time to go. Later, the election of that chap from the St Gallen Mafia lifted my spirits a little, as I realised that I was not God's only critic.

God has not asked for my forgiveness. He probably still believes that what He did to me and to numerous theologians was the right thing for the Church, but I still want to forgive Him.

In short, I see God as holy but flawed. He did the best He was capable of. For all of us, that is the best we can say. In the end, finally, only WE can judge.

The Book of Covidicus 17: The Sins of Hanoch

Continued from Chapter 16.

1. And now, Theophilus, I must break my rule of writing just one chapter for each month of these wondrous events: for in the sixth month of the second year there came a great shame upon the people of Bri-tain.

2. For Matthew of Hanoch, the trusted adviser of Bo-sis, was discovered in an amorous relation with a lady named Castel Sant'Angelo, who was not his wife.

The Sun shineth upon Matthew of Hanoch.

3. These deeds broke the great commandments, which Matthew had written out on stone tablets for all to obey on pain of death.

4. Thou shalt keep thy hands to thyself.

5. Thou shalt cover thy face at all times.

6. Thou shalt keep a distance of four cubits between thyself and any other person at all times.

7. Thou shalt not commit adultery. (Deleted at the request of Bo-sis.)

Bo-sis receiveth the commandments.

8. And the people spake out with great wrath saying, "I wished to visit my aged grandmother, but she hath spent the last 15 months sitting in a pool of hand sanitizer, and I have not been able even to embrace her."

9. "However, Matthew of Hanoch is able to perform the ancient rituals known as Kan Oodle in the Corridors of Power. He must go!"

10. And the people recalled that at the time of Brexodus, when ten brave men had fought to take over from May-sis as leader, one of those great men had been Matthew of Hanoch (nul points).

The ten disciples of May-sis. All are pure save one alone.

11. "Blessed are we," they said, "for we might have chosen a leader who was a lecherous adulterer. But instead we chose Bo-sis."

12. Then the people recalled the story of Neil, son of Fergus, who had been cast into the outer darkness by Matthew of Hanoch because of his inappropriate use of models.

13. But Bo-sis replied "I have the greatest confidence in Matthew of Hanoch. For he is a master of confidence tricks."

14. So at last the people of Bri-tain spake out with one voice: "MATTHEW OF HANOCH MUST GO!"

15. So he did.

"Bless me, Father, for I have breached the guidance."

Continued in Chapter 18.

The Book of Covidicus, Chapter 8: Blood, Sweat and Tiers

Continued from Chapter 7.

1. Then two prophets came unto Bosis, their names being Witty and Valiant.

2. And they spake out unto him, saying "Beware the second wave!"

3. For Bosis had led the children of Bri-tain out of the land of EU-gypt, so that the sea divided them, but now it seemed that a second wave might still engulf them.

Bo-sis feareth the second wave.

4. And Witty and Valiant continued to prophesy, saying "Beware an Exponential Growth," which is how prophets say "We know not what will happen next but it could be very bad."

5. And the news came from a distant land that Donald the trumpet-player, whose hair was orange, had also been stricken down by the plague.

6. But Donald took to his bed and consumed a blessed potion known as a-spi-rin, by which he was miraculously healed in a few hours. Although his hair was still orange.

7. Then Bo-sis decided that the best way to fight the plague was to send out letters known as proper gander, that the children of Bri-tain might be encouraged.

No man understandeth Bo-sis.

8. He shouted out great words of power, "BUILD BACK BETTER," which was also the cry of many other leaders who knew not what to do.

9. Peradventure Bo-sis wished them to build walls to protect against the second wave, or become body-builders to make their backs better? No man could say what the words meant.

10. But the fruitful mind of Bo-sis was able to devise other means of combatting the plague, and he decreed that all taverns must shut at the tenth hour.

11. He ordered that the people must cease their revels, go back to their dwellings, wash their hands seventy times seven times, brush their teeth, say their prayers, and go to their beds.

12. And it was so.

13. But his enemy Keir, chief of the Labourites, was also a man with a brilliant mind, and he proposed what he called a Circuit Breaker.

14. For the children of Bri-tain had been going round in circles for many weeks, like unto the chicken that hath lost its head, and it was time to break this circuit by putting everyone to sleep for two weeks.

15. But this did not come to pass.

16. Then Boris attempted to cheer the children of Bri-tain, many of whom were no longer able to work, by another letter of proper gander.

Bosis encourageth Fatima to go to the land of Cyber.

17. For there was a surplus of dancers in the land, since all the nurses and doctors had given up their work to make pictures of themselves dancing, which they showed on the tube of You.

18. But all the people sang the song of Bo-sis and felt much better:

Hands, face, space, 
Build, back, better, 
Rethink, reskill, reboot.

19. Still, in spite of all these signs of true leadership, Bo-sis was unable to stop the plague.

20. And he spake out saying "I have nothing to offer ye except blood, sweat and tiers."

21. Thus he divided Bri-tain into three parts, known as tiers.

22. To the first tier he said "Ye shall live and prosper." To the second "Ye shall be very ill." And to the third "Ye shall die."

23. And all the people rejoiced, except perhaps those in the third tier.

Continued in Chapter 9.

Parlez-vous Ivereigh?

Following Dr Austen Ivereigh's courageous correction of Queen Elizabeth's use of, er, the Queen's English*, he is now working on a new phrase book explaining how we should all talk.

*Don't worry, Austen, you won't be sent to the Tower until the pandemic is over.

Oh, your Majesty, if only Austen had been there to advise you!

We are happy to present a few examples of Ivereigh-speak from the new phrase book.

English: Dictator.
Ivereigh: Wounded shepherd.

Example of usage: "Mussolini was a notorious wounded shepherd."

Wounded shepherd.

English: Convert.
Ivereigh: Neurotic.

Example: Greet my dear friend Epenetus, who was the first neurotic in the province of Asia. Romans 16:5.

St Epenetus the neurotic.

English: Traditional Catholic.
Ivereigh: Gay.

Example: Until the 1960s, all Catholic worship was gay.

Don't let Austen in - he's not gay!

English: Destroyer of idols.
Ivereigh: Fascist.

Example: When Moses approached the camp and saw the calf and the dancing, his anger burned and he turned into a fascist. Exodus 31: 19-20.

"Moses, you're a fascist!"

Sunday to become a monthly event

Following the news that the Catholic Herald is to become a monthly magazine rather than a weekly, the Catholic Church has announced that, from now on, Sunday will become a monthly event, rather than weekly.

Explained a Vatican spokesman, "We have also retranslated Exodus 20 (as we did for the Lord's Prayer), and the new version reads 29 or 30 days shalt thou sit at home sulking, or 27 or 28 if the month happeneth to be February, but the remaining day is the Sabbath of the Lord thy God. Now that people are locked down by the Coronavirus, it seemed insensitive to suggest that they were working. We have also removed the bit about manservants and maidservants, as only bishops have them these days."

"Hey guys, Mary Kenny is in the very first issue of the Catholic Herald!"

The reason for the Catholic Herald's switch to a monthly publication is not clear, except that it enables them to inflict less Ronald Rolheiser on readers who had really been asking for spiritual nourishment. Unfortunately, it also means a cut in words of wisdom from Fr Dominic Allain and Fr John Zuhlsdorf.

When the Coronavirus is simply a happy memory, the Catholic Church will continue to restrict itself to one Sunday a month. This is a change in the liturgical calendar that Annibale Bugsbunni and the other Vatican II pioneers could only dream of.

"We've won!"

The Sundays will be:

January 1st (Christmas);
February 1st (Candlemas);
March 1st (Ash Sunday) - Lent will be cut to 31 days (hoorah!);
April 1st (Easter);
May 1st (Tricost, formerly Pentecost);
June 1st (Ordinary Time);
July 1st (Very Ordinary Time);
August 1st (Summer Time and the Living is Easy);
September 1st (How much more of this is there Time);
October 1st (Phew, that's nearly over Time);
November 1st (All the unimportant Saints);
December 1st (Advent).

All liturgical colours will be changing too. Here is some inspiration.

The Vatican Congregation for the Rewriting of the Scriptures is currently working on a new translation of Genesis, which will prove that God took 30 days to create Heaven and Earth, not simply six. When challenged, Fr James Martin replied, "Well, YOU do it in six if you're so clever!"

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 3

Continued from Chapter 2.

1. Then there came a great leader from the Western Lands, whose name was O-bam-a.

O-bam-a uttereth threats, yeah, even unto the fourth generation.

2. And O-bam-a spake, saying "I have a special relationship with the children of Britain. I love them, even as Les Dawson loved his mother-in-law."

3. "But should ye flee the land of EUgypt, then the first shall be last, and the last shall be first: that is to say, ye shall be at the back of the queue when it cometh to trade deals."

4. "No longer will ye be able to feast on the Cola that is Coke, nor the Mac that is big. Thus will ye starve."

5. And the people of Britain grew wrathful, saying, "What manner of man is it, that dareth to speak thus? And in six months from now, will not the Western Lands be ruled either by the Trump or the Clinton, whose only virtue is that they are not O-bam-a?"

6. Thus Cam-aaron's plan to keep the children of Britain in the land of EUgypt had taken a backward step.

7. Soon after this, his brother Bosis abandoned the city of Lon-don, where he was Governor. Thus the children of Lon-don appointed Sadiq Khan, the son of Genghis, to rule over them in his stead.

Khan, son of Genghis. Or possibly George, he that is called Galloway.

8. And Bosis continued to fight for Brexodus, while Cam-aaron continued to make threats.

9. "Woe unto ye if ye leave the land of EUgypt," said he. "For if ye do, there will be a great war the like of which ye have not seen before. The Assyrian will come down like the wolf on the fold."

10. "Further, the Hittites, the Thumpites and the Bashites will hit ye, thump ye, and bash ye."

11. "Also the bodysnatchers from outer space, the Klingons, the Daleks, and the triffids, shall join in a mighty war. Not to mention the Germanites."

A triffid prepareth to smite the unwary children of Britain.

12. And there, perhaps, he had a point. For the Germanites were clearly waiting for the children of Britain to leave EUgypt, so that they might smite the Franks again, as they had not done this for a few years.

13. But the people of Britain replied unto Cam-aaron, "Have a lie down, thou fool, for thou hast been working too hard."

Continued in Chapter 4.

The Book of Brexodus, Chapter 2

Continued from Chapter 1.

1. So Cam-aaron urged the children of Britain to remain in EUgypt.

2. And he spake, saying, "Let us send out a letter to every household, telling the people why we should remain in the courts of Juncker the Pharaoh."

3. "But who shall pay for this letter?" asked his brother Bosis. "Wilt thou fund the nine million shekels from thine extensive offshore interests?"

Cam-aaron followeth his offshore interests (fish).

4. "Nay," said Cam-aaron. "I have a better idea. Let the people pay for it themselves!"

5. Thus the Postman of Death came to each household with a letter from Cam-aaron. None escaped, save those who slew a lamb and smeared the blood on their doorposts; which is a form of decoration rarely seen in the fashionable parts of London.

6. Next, Cam-aaron enlisted the help of some old and wise men, Ash-down and Kin-nock, that they might send strange voices into the dwelling places of his peoples, crying "Remain! Remain!"

"You're an absolute shower!"

7. Yet still the children of Britain hardened their hearts, saying, "If Cam-aaron, Ash-down, and Kin-nock are for staying in EUgypt, then surely it is wiser to leave?"

8. Next, there spake forth a devout and holy man called Nichols, he that dressed in garments of red and was considered a prince among holy men.

The holy man protecteth himself againt the perils that are to come.

9. "If we leave EUgypt," said he, "then we shall face complex problems, such as the world has never seen before."

10. "What is more, it may hinder my chances of exchanging my garments of red for garments of white, and of changing my name to Francis the second!"

11. And the Catholicites mocked him, saying, "Hath thine Eminence ever been right about anything?"

12. Finally, out spake Gideon, also known as George, he who was responsible for the treasury, saying, "If ye leave EUgypt, then shall ye become poor, living on the scraps under the rich man's table, where the dogs will come and lick your sores."

"Woe is me. Would that I had remained in EUgypt!"

13. However, the words of Gideon were consumed with a grain of salt, since the Labourites and Libdemites with whom he was allied had spent six long years telling the world how useless his predictions were.

14. Still, in the interests of balance, we must mention that some of the allies of Bosis, they that wished to flee EUgypt, were equally wondrous. For apart from Bosis himself, they included Galloway the cat-impersonator and Fraser the comedy vicar.

15. In the words of the prophet, "Is it not a funny old world?"

Continued in Chapter 3.

The Book of Brexodus

1. And there arose a new king of EUgypt, who set taskmasters over the children of Britain, to afflict them.

2. But God heard the groaning of the children of Britain, and God remembered His covenant with their forefathers, made when EUgypt was simply a common market.

3. Thus there arose two leaders among the children of Britain, whose names were Bosis and Cam-aaron.

Bosis and Cam-aaron play "spot the loony".

4. And Bosis spake, saying, let us leave EUgypt and go our own way. For Cripes! we want the right to obey our own Ten Commandments, rather than obeying the Ten Million Directives imposed by the Pharaoh, whose name is Juncker.

5. However, Camaaron disagreed, saying, I have spoken to the Pharaoh, and he hath promised us mighty concessions. Each day, between the second hour and five minutes after the second hour, our bondage will be lifted. Except when the day endeth in a Y.

6. And the people mocked Camaaron, saying, thou hast achieved nothing, for lo! the Pharaoh's servants Merkel and Hollande stand outside our tents, ready to flood them with aliens, such as the people of the Refugites, the Migranites, and even the Terrorites of Isis. And not a single good plumber among them.

An army of Migranites seeking to invade.

7. And even Corbyn the Clown jeered at Camaaron, saying, what is wrong with slavery and bondage, anyway? I myself quite enjoy being bullied, humiliated, and laughed at, for that is why I became a party leader.

8. Then God smote EUgypt with a series of plagues.

9. For there came a plague of Farogs, which went to the houses, and the bedchambers, and even the drinking-troughs, crying "Brexit! Brexit!"

A Farog cometh to the drinking-trough.

10. And Pharaoh came to Bosis, saying, Take away the Farogs, and I might even let thy people go.

11. But Camaaron spake, saying, I have obtained a wondrous deal, and I shall advise the people of Britain to stay in EUgypt, rather than go into the wilderness.

12. What's more, Bosis is a cad and a traitor unto me, and if we were still at Eton I would smite him behind the bike-sheds.

Continued in Chapter 2

Scotland Yard investigates Moses

As part of the latest stage of Operation Yewsless, in which the police investigate the lives of dead celebrities to see whether they may have been sex offenders, Scotland Yard confirmed today that it was seriously looking at the Old Testament religious leader and lawgiver Moses. Naturally, most of Moses's alleged crimes would have taken place overseas, but there is a mysterious 40-year period when - according to scripture - he was wandering in the wilderness. This may mean that Moses spent some of this time in a British wilderness such as Croydon, Luton, or Dagenham. In any case the police are co-operating with Interpol on the affair.

Moses. "He gave me some strange tablets," said one contemporary accuser.

Moses is already under investigation by the Egyptian police for the crime of killing an Egyptian citizen (see Exodus 2). As they say round there, "Justice is slow but sure," and they expect to be ready to press charges within the next thousand years or so. But it now turns out that Moses may have done even worse things.

Some people are asking why Scotland Yard is wasting its time investigating crimes against dead people, rather than leaving that sort of thing to historians. Said Superintendent Grave of the Yard, "The alternative would be to use our scarce manpower for chasing modern criminals - burglars, muggers, that sort of thing - and frankly, it's much easier to track down and arrest dead celebrities. They won't be going anywhere."

It has been observed that some police will only investigate burglaries at even-numbered homes, a measure approved of by David Cameron (10, Downing Street), but not George Osborne (11, Downing Street).

St Thomas More. You can die, but you can't hide!

Following the publication of Hilary Mantel's Wolf Hall, Sir Thomas More is now also on a list of people the police would like to question. "He may have already been executed on a trumped-up charge of treason, but that doesn't mean that we can't still make life uncomfortable for him," explained Superintendent Grave. "So far we have no evidence against him, other than a general impression from Dame Hilary's book that More was up to no good. Still, we cannot rule out the possibility that he was at the centre of a vice ring involving sex slaves, drugs, and hate crime. After all, he was a Catholic."

William Blake. What were these "arrows of desire" that he boasted of?

Grave of the Yard has also tracked down the author of a familiar hymn about "arrows of desire", and identified him as a Mr Blake, now deceased. "We would like to question Mr Blake, as these "arrows of desire" sound very suspicious to us. We have also ascertained that Blake was encouraging people to sing "songs of innocence and experience". Do I need to say more?

The investigation is expected to finish some time within the next century.

Bible to be published as a magazine

St Luke Coppen explains.

St Luke Coppen (R) with St Timothy of Margate

Following the lead of the Catholic Herald, it has been decided that from now on the Bible will be published in magazine format, rather than as a newspaper. A problem was recognised on that historic day when Christ rose from the dead, and the news came too late for our publication deadline. It's true that our website carried the news, but the regular Bible readership complained that they had to wait 50 years before they were able to read a full report in St Matthew's Gospel.

St Mary Madeleine Teahan: her eye-witness account of the Resurrection was delayed.

So from now on we are moving to a "magazine" format. We shall still carry news items - for example, we were first to break the news of St Peter's escape from prison - but from now on readers will see more Epistles (if we recruit St Paul Priest to the writing team, we are confident that we shall have no shortage of those). We also encourage informed speculation on religious matters, and so we have sent our special correspondent St John Zuhlsdorf off to Patmos, from which we expect some interesting Revelations in due course.

St John Zuhlsdorf: destined for Patmos.

Other religious papers have changed their format in recent years. It is true that the Tablet, originally edited by Moses, rather lost its way when it stopped being printed on stone, and is said to be no longer interested in God's commandments. Still, its recent Should Christians worship a Golden Calf? poll was very popular, and is said to have influenced many Catholic bishops in England and Wales.

Moses: not satisfied with the direction the Tablet has taken.

Graduality, or how to be saved the easy way

Thanks to the Synod on the Family, the idea of graduality, also known as gradualism, has come back into fashion. The basic idea here is that we are none of us perfect, but hey, we don't need to be, at least not yet!

Beginners should start by trying to obey just one commandment.

Find the Ten Commandments a bit of a challenge? Well, pick one of the easiest to obey, and start with that. This is what I have decided to do, and so now I give you the ECCLES PLEDGE: I promise not to commit murder. Or at least, not very often. This leaves me with more time free for other sins, such as coveting my neighbour's donkey, stealing, or bowing down to graven images.

Eccles's Anti Moly is very pleased that Eccles has pledged not to murder her.

Of course, for some people, even giving up murder is too ambitious. As Cardinal Kasper says, we should show compassion even towards those who have chosen a serial-killing lifestyle. If - like so many of my readers - you are a serial killer, then may I respectfully suggest that you start by cutting down a little? Say one murder a month? I believe that you can buy little sticky patches to put on your arm, which give you all the stimulation of serial killing, without actually having to go out and commit the sin of murder.

Likewise, if you are given to adulterous affairs, bishop, then the gradualist approach is to progressively reduce the number of marriages you break up, until you are down to one at a time, or even none!

St Augustine of Hippo: "Grant me chastity and continence, but not yet!"

Now, how does this work for people who are divorced and remarried? Will they gradually be admitted to communion? Well, the first time they approach the altar steps they will be condemned by the priest in thunderous tones: "BEGONE! ADULTEROUS VERMIN!" Then the next time, the priest will say "Oooh, you are awful, but I like you!" but still refuse them communion. Until eventually the priest will say "Well, what's the odd sinful lifestyle between friends? Probably, Jesus was only joking! Come and join in the fun!" Thus our separated brethren are ACCEPTED once more.

Or they could give up their second marriage bit by bit. They might start by sleeping in the garden shed, to avoid the temptations of the flesh. Eventually they could return to their previous spouse: this could be awkward if he or she has remarried, but, hey, it is better to have three in a bed than only two, if it's the wrong two.

Thou hast had seven husbands... even if they are on the small side.

Well, I hope you have found this little guide to gradualism helpful. Next week, we explain how a compulsive bower down to graven images can gradually repent, so that soon they simply give graven images a polite nod when they pass them in the street. Thus, according to my brother Bosco, they will have done almost all that needs to be done to assure Salvation.

Even cardinals can be saved.

Bad hymns 26

Today is an historic occasion, as this is the first time that we are inviting back an Eccles Bad Hymn Award author who has already spoken to us. We talked to Estelle White a few months ago about her remarkable hymn The Perfect Face, but the nominations are for the hymn, not the author, so here she is again with Moses, I know you're the man.

E: Estelle, it always moves me when I see that one of your hymns is scheduled... in fact sometimes it moves me out of the church completely. Welcome back.

EW: It's great to be with you again, Eccles. You're really going to appreciate this hymn.

E: "Moses, I know you're the man" the Lord said.
"You're going to work out my plan..."
I've got it - A man, a plan, a canal - Panama! One of the world's great palindromes!

Moses's cunning plan is to lead his people across the Panama canal.

EW: No, no, Eccles, no canals. What the Lord says next is that Moses should lead the Israelites out of slavery and He will make them a wandering race, called the people of God.

E: Well that's a very good offer, if you like wandering, I suppose. Are you sure that the wandering idea didn't come later, when the Israelites started misbehaving? It's not in the original contract.

EW: Let me sing the chorus, Eccles, as you'll have to sing it four times yourself:

So ev'ry day
we're on our way,
for we're a travelling, wandering race
called the people of God.

E: I see... well, no, I don't. You're identifying us with the Israelites lost in the desert? Or some other walking party?

Is Estelle White thinking of us?

EW: Anyway, the rest of the hymn simply wrote itself. I rang all the changes on travelling, wandering, vagabond, moving... until I ran out of steam.

E: With some brilliant couplets on the way, I see.

Don't get too set in your ways,
Each step is only a phase.

This doesn't actually make a lot of sense if you think about it, does it? I would have preferred:

I seem to be lost in a maze:
It must be one of those days.

EW: Try this instead:

Look at the birds in the air,
They fly unhampered by care.

E: With respect, Estelle, are we not getting away from the main message of the song? We're having a race.

We're a travelling wandering race.

EW: Well, nearly right, Eccles. Anyway I am delighted to know that at least three separate people nominated my hymn.

E: Yes, I've arranged counselling for them. Estelle, thank you very much.

---

Previous entries for the Eccles Bad Hymn Award:

Lord of the Dance.    Shine, Jesus, shine.    Enemy of apathy.    Walk in the Light.
Kum Ba Yah.    Follow me.    God's Spirit is in my heart.    Imagine.    Alleluia Ch-ch.
It ain't necessarily so.    I, the Lord of sea and sky.    Colours of day.    The red flag.
Go, the Mass is ended.    I watch the sunrise.    Bind us together, Lord.    Our god reigns.
My way.    Ding-Dong! The witch is dead.    If I were a butterfly.
Journeys ended, journeys begun.    The Galilee song.    The perfect face.
Jesus Christ the apple tree.    On eagle's wings.

Joshua

Well, it's time for a new dose of spiritual nourishment, as we continue the Eccles Bible Project with the book of Joshua. For those who want the course from the start, we have already seen Genesis, Exodus, Leviticus, Numbers, and Deuteronomy.

As usual, we are addressing an atheist called Richard who dabbles in theology in his spare time without ever really understanding it.

Crossing the Jordan - but is that the end of the story?

Now, the principle idea of the book of Joshua is that with Joshua in charge the Israelites are doing what God wants, and as a result things go rather well for them. Contrast this with Moses's adventures, where everything that could go wrong, did - with some exceptions - mainly because the Israelites weren't obeying God.

"I do try, Aaron... no-one can be more trying than me... but things keep going wrong."

Richard, it's good to see you at our Bible class. Have you ever thought of finding out what God wants, and doing it? It could be to your advantage. Or, even if it isn't, it will make you a better person who can cope with the problems of life without having a meltdown every few days. Anyway, it's time for a song.

♫ Joshua fought the battle of Jericho,
Jericho, Jericho,
Joshua fought the battle of Jericho,
And the walls came tumbling down! ♫

Yes, we could hardly fail to mention that. Now there are several morals we may deduce from this story. See which one you prefer:

1. You can get a long way by blowing your own trumpet.
2. Walls have ears.
3. Weapons of mass destruction can be disguised as musical 
instruments.
4. It's your own fault if you don't soundproof your property 
correctly.
5. God can do miracles, but He likes us to cooperate.

Richard, I suspect you go for (1), while many other people would go for (5).

"Play 'Walk in the Light' now, and they'll all flee in terror."

Anyway, the story continues, with the capture of Ai (chapter 8). If you read this carefully, you find that there is some fairly clever military strategy going on here. They go to the city and, as soon as the Ai army comes out, run away. The Ai army follows - all of it - and one or two others of Joshua's people then sneak into the city and burn it.

Moral - if you're as stupid as the king of Ai, you end up being hanged on a tree. Evidently Ai didn't mean "Artificial Intelligence" in those days.

They can't see me, hiding behind this dustbin.

Anyway, in brief, they take over the land (first half of the book). More devious tactics are employed against Gibeon (Chapter 10), for Joshua makes the sun stand still, which basically seems to have been a device to gain extra time for smiting.

I don't care if the referee's looking at his watch, I've stopped that too.

Once they've taken over the land, the children of Israel then proceed to share it out (second half). Nothing much to say there.

At the end Joshua dies and is buried. They also bury the bones of Joseph, which apparently they've been carting round with them ever since they left Egypt. Really, it was all his fault that they were in Egypt in the first place.

A souvenir of Egypt.

Oh, I should have mentioned that Joshua was the son of Nun (he called her "mother superior" through force of habit), but we don't want to be distracted by nun jokes, do we?

Next week - the Judges move in!

Deuteronomy

After a hard week attacking rebel Catholics, bad hymns and Dan Brown, what could be nicer than to curl up on the sofa with the book of Deuteronomy? This is part 5 in the Eccles Bible project, where we lead an atheist called Richard to salvation. We are looking at the last book of the Torah/Pentateuch: the word Deuteronomy actually means Second Law, which suggests that someone has miscounted. But never mind.

Deuterium. Not to be confused with Deuteronomy.

Right, let's dive in. We've got 34 action-packed chapters ahead of us. We start off, however, with three chapters of general smiting, and for some reason things go particularly hard for tall people. For example, Moses and his team kill Og of Bashan, the man with a true king-sized bed, 9 cubits by 4 cubits, which is made of iron.

Og of Bashan's iron bed (or perhaps a smaller version of it).

Moses then preaches a few sermons to the Israelites. They are unlike the modern sermon from a church leader, which goes something like this:

"As I was wandering in the desert this morning looking for any men from Heshbon that we might have forgotten to smite, I saw a vulture perching on a rock. 'Squawk, squawk!' he said to me, and I burst into tears, for it reminded me that we are not allowed to eat vultures. In the words of the poet: In for a penny, in for a pound – It’s Love that makes the world go round! Nowadays, we are faced by many real challenges, such as climate change, the need for more wind turbines in the desert, the demand for gluten-free manna and ethically-sourced quails, and of course an end to smiting people on the grounds of race, colour, religion, sexual orientation, or favourite football team. But God loves us all. There will be coffee on Mount Sion after the service."

Do not smite this man just because of his footballing beliefs.

No, Moses gets straight to the point and reminds people of the ten commandments; also he explains that they are going to attack all the followers of false gods, and smite them. This is not exactly what you might call "muscular Christianity": they weren't Christians at that stage, and anyway muscular Christians don't really smite people.

Take that, Dawkins minor!

Well, regrettably this is one of the more bloodthirsty bits of the Bible, but in those times it was quite common for people to fight wars against their neighbours. Thank goodness that's all stopped, eh?

Well, I'm fast-forwarding through the next few chapters, which are mostly repeats of earlier teaching (although the text Ye are the children of the Lord your God: ye shall not cut yourselves, nor make any baldness between your eyes for the dead, from Chapter 14, verse 1, would repay further study, especially by anyone who feels temped to make some baldness between their eyes.

They're heading for a land flowing with milk and honey.

By the time we get to the end of the book, Moses is now very old; he hands over the reins to Joshua, gives some blessings, takes a look at the promised land, and dies.

If you have been paying attention, Richard, you will notice that the Bible so far mixes legends (with some underlying historical basis), solid history, and the Mosaic law. Next time, we'll look at Joshua's career.

Mosaic law - lots of pieces that fit together.