This is me, Eccles

This is me, Eccles
This is me, Eccles

Tuesday 16 November 2021

Arthur Roche for Pope!

As seen on the "Where's Peter?" blog.

Pope Francis has done a wonderful job in his eight years as Vice-God - he's never put a foot wrong. Even the death of Fra' Matthew Festing this week has only reminded us of one of Francis's early achievements, the conquering of the Sovereign Order of Malta, a diplomatic triumph similar to Vladimir Putin's annexation of parts of Ukraine.

But all good things must come to an end, and, although it is probable that Francis, as a superhuman being, is actually immortal (unlike Festing, ha ha), we should have a pope-in-waiting in case he leaves us, possibly by direct Assumption into Heaven.

WPI hagiography

Uncle Arthur gets our vote!

Alas, the St Gallen Mafia - which gave us our wonderful Argentinian pope - is in disarray, with some members dead, others senile, and others in hiding from the police. Who will take their place? Well, we have it on the highest authority that Blase Cupich will be starting up a St Valentine Mafia (named after the Chicago Mafia's most famous massacre), and is gathering together a group of like-minded people, each too ludicrous to be himself a serious contender for the papacy. "Dancing" Tagle, "Uncle Wilt" Gregory, and "Nighty-Night" Tobin are all expected to participate, with "Real Estate" Becciu as treasurer, and Austen Ivereigh as secretary, dogsbody, and maker of tea.

Already one name is springing out of the woodwork - Arthur Wensleydale Boycott Roche, the bluff former ice-skater* from Yorkshire. The man who told us that the traditional Mass was abrogated, even though several popes had said it wasn't. A man who will GET HIS OWN WAY.

* According to Damian Thompson.

sunken ice-skater

Eventually Uncle Arthur realised that he should retire from ice-skating.

Uncle Arthur will be a worthy person to run the Vatican. It is true that after the magnificence of Hinsley Hall, the stately pleasure-dome he occupied when bishop of Leeds, he may find the place a little cramped. But he is prepared to make such sacrifices.

But so far the great man is not even a cardinal. What is Pope Francis playing at? Aren't you sick of the old buffer sometimes? CURSES, WHAT AM I SAYING?

Roche in beanie hat

Pope Arthur will not wear the traditional zucchetto.


  1. God save the Church if that happens. He made a mess when Bishop of Leeds in the UK so maybe he will be promoted to the level of his incompetence.

  2. The Pachapapa is now preaching against any post-covid return to normality in response to this challenge.

    Build Back Better : “This is why we need a new way out; we must work together to emerge better than before,” he said ...

  3. On this Roche I will build my church...
    Sorry, couldn't resist.

  4. The sad part is that - as Christopher Buckley said - we are living in the post-satirical age… After almost nine years of Amoris la Pachamama and Traditio in Custodiam, why *couldn’t* the next pope be a dim-witted, toque-wearing tyke whose episcopal motto might as well be “Bureaucratus Mediocres”? Sorry, this is all too plausible… after a papacy like this one what are we to expect - Pius XIII? Eccles, you are just going to have to work longer and harder if you intend to keep coming up with believable satire ;-)

  5. Imitationis the best form of flattery, especially when it's this good :